Captain Kaye; Best phony story ever
OK, this raises the bar for all of our phonies. The UK’s Mirror reports that there’s this fellow known as Captain Kaye who is telling his story of being posted on the planet Mars for seventeen years as part of the Earth Defense Force. His job was to protect Earthlings living on the planet from indigenous Martians;
In testimony released to ExoNews TV, Captain Kaye said he was trained to fly three different types of space fighters and three bombers.
He added that training took place on a secret moon base called Lunar Operations Command, Saturn’s moon Titan, and in deep space.
Captain Kaye says he retired after a 20 year tour of duty, describing a retirement ceremony on the moon that he claims was presided over by VIPs including ex-Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.
So there you go, prospective phonies, you’re going to have to up your game if you want to win next year’s tournament. But, I’m going to need a ruling on interplanetary phoniness from the judges. This story does give pause for a particular phony who was worried that we were going to hunt him down with Space Nazis.
Category: Phony soldiers
I see Run-DMC also has a British cousin named “One-DMF”. Although in this one, the “D” in the cousin’s name may well stand for “Daft” . . . .
Zing! lol
It must be a subordinate command to the 1st Earth BN (http://www.firstearthbattalion.org/).
If anyone is interested in the back story about the 1st Earth BN and Jim Channon, it is worth looking into. LTC(R) Channon spoke to my SAMS class. Have of the stuff that he came up with was incredible, half was pure lunacy. He has cracked the code on how to make gobs of money as a hippy, though.
Okay….I checked out that website…what the hell was I just looking at?
I remember reading about that crap years ago! Wasn’t there a test-run done with the Special Forces? Ninja Psychic Warriors?
Far out, man!
Channon was an infantry LTC in Vietnam. Post Vietnam, when the Army was doing some self assessment, Channon was chosen to look into some of the “alternate” religious and social philosophies floating around at the time and try to figure out applications for the Army. While the Army was paying him to hang out with hippies all over the world, he pretty much went full native. One of his big paradigm shifts was that the Army should start using weapons for humanitarian efforts (one of the examples that he gave us was to use bombs to create waterways into deserts). He was also involved in the beginnings of remote viewing. In 2006, he was making most of his money doing hippy versions of group retreats and conferences in places like the Australian outback for some senior members of top companies.
IIRC, these were the “Men who stare at goats” guys…
I don’t think it is fair to lump the Earth Bound Phonies in with the Interstellar Ones. Maybe there should be 2 categories.
Another guy who served honorably, but for some reason loads his resume with BS.
He should have been proud of being a space shuttle door-gunner.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL +1000
John D…ROTFLMAO! Thanks.
DAMNIT! I WAS GOING TO POST THAT!
APOLLO DOOR GUNNERS RULE!!
It’s an honorable MOS. The chicks really dig it, too.
That SOB! He was sworn to SECRECY!!!
And I was just about to spend my summer vacation on the rippling shors of Ligeia Mare.
I can’t believe that asshat gave away our secret location on the Magic Island. The party we were planing for Summer Solstice is just getting underway and we only have enough room for six in our ethaneboat.
He just had to go and do that, didn’t he?
Next we’ll hear him brag about the brothels on Zophor 6, *OOP!* me and MY big mouth!!
As long as you don’t tell ’em your the piano player, things ought to go aokay. 😎
It’s just a cover story. He is really doing research for the next edition of the Guide. I saw him he had a towel and a tablet with the Words Dont Panic written on the cover in large friendly letters.
Damn I miss Douglas
I see no problem here!
LEGIT!
2 LEGIT 2 QUIT 🙂
Rumor has it that KBR runs the DFAC on Titan.
Better KBR than Supreme…..
They lost the contract to FLUOR. NASA does pump out the porta-johns, which is a real bitch given the low gravity.
Ummm, sorry Chip. No offense meant… this NASA, not your NASA.
https://www.facebook.com/nasaincfan/posts/260067127349998
No offense taken GD.
You know about space shuttle door gunners?
Yeah well as a retired USAF Aerial Porter I’ve been trained as an Interstellar Spacecraft Lav Truck Operator. I can suck blue goo in zero G and not get it all over everything and everybody.
THAT takes talent.
I salute your talent.
I salute your talent as well. Hey, NASA (Turkish) is always looking for the best and brightest shit pumpers. Right now they are desperate for a senior manager to cover the outer part of our galaxy. You might express and interest on their facebook page. It would look awesome on a resume!
So why haven’t you stuck that pipe up the asshole of the Earth (D.C.) and sucked all the turds out of it ???
You’re gonna need a bigger shuttle though. Maybe you could get one of those Super Star Destroyers left over from the Empire after Puke Flyswatter kicked their asses !!!
It’s really the green space bean… another Spacer POG
This dude is old news.
Fartbongo has him beat by DECADES
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/45878146/ns/technology_and_science-space/t/conspiracy-theory-obama-went-mars-teen/#.U6l4iRCiW5I
2 “chrononauts” — Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings have come forth and named President Obama as one of their own, along with the current head of DARPA, Regina Dugan.
He was part of a time travel program developed by DARPA in the 1970s code-named Project Pegasus. He and Stillings claim that both Obama and Dugan were in their “Mars training class” at California’s College of the Siskiyous in 1980, part of a group of 10 young adults chosen to travel to Mars via a top-secret teleportation “jump room.”
“I was there first!”
~John Carter (of Mars)
With Funky King Faust and the Knights of the Oingo Boingo.
Shit and here I thought global warming was the greatest threat to our national security. Good thing we have harden warriors dedicated to beating back those pesky aliens.
Phony? No way. It’s high time these fellows received international recognition. To paraphrase Joe Biden, the fact that we have not been attacked by Martians in the past 17 years that Captain Kaye has been posted on Mars is proof positive of the captain’s brilliant defense strategy.
Should have sent Joe to the retirement ceremony – one way of course.
We do indeed have something on the surface of Mars doing work. More geologist than door-kicker though:
http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/news/news.php?release=2014-199
tm…We’ll always need door kickers on Mars. Saw it in a Schwarzenegger movie. Apparently, things are dicier up there than we know. Since were sending Kerry to talk pretty to the Iraqis, can we send him to Mars now? One way.
Jonn- given that there may well be more of these former ‘argonauts’ out there, I suggest that we have 2 classes for the running: Interstellar and Terrestrial.
Then, as back when AFL and NFL merged and fought for the supreme title, we could have a final featuring winner of each class, for the title of ‘Galaxy’.
I wish Lorne Greene were still alive. Love to see him hand out the awards in a space suit…
Let this be a lesson in the dangers of recreational mushrooms…..
Psilocin and psilocybin will get you every time. This guy needs to just start licking those psychedelic African frogs and lay off the ‘shrooms.
And maybe not so much Pink Floyd whilst he’s trippin’.
Eggs…Man…I still love my Pink Floyd. It is a tripper, sliding board though.
“There is no dark side in the moon, really. Matter of fact, it’s all dark.”
Eggs…Love that cut! But I love all Pink Floyd. That’s one of my favorite, lay back tunes.
Sparks: actually, as I recall that’s technically not part of any tracks on Dark Side of the Moon. That was on the “run out” groove after “Eclipse’s” fade-out.
The phrase was from an interview with Abbey Road Studios doorman Gerry O’Driscoll (it’s O’Driscoll’s voice on the album). That was the first part of his answer to the question, “What is the Dark Side of the Moon?” The last part of his answer, which was not used on DSotM, was, “The only thing that makes it look light is the sun.”
FWIW: DSotM is more than 41 years old now. The fact that it still sounds as good as it does shows that Alan Parsons did one helluva job engineering it.
Hondo…Yes you are correct. I just always refer to the album name. Incorrectly I might add.
Like Frank Zappa’s “Makes it’s own sauce” from Joe’s Garage? Not really a fade out, but in the background.
Eggs: not really. The phrase “makes its own sauce” is a recognized part of the lyrics to both “Joe’s Garage” and “Crew Slut” from Zappa’s album Joe’s Garage.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank+zappa/joes+garage_20056735.html
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/frankzappa/crewslut.html
In contrast, the excerpts from interviews used as spoken sound effects on DSotM are not usually credited as lyrics to any of the songs on DSotM. In the case of O’Driscoll’s “There is no dark side in the moon, really. Matter of fact, it’s all dark”, was the last sound on the album and was actually on the old vinyl album’s “run out” groove.
Hondo…You are the Music Man!
You mean the Rocky Mountain Spotted Toad? It’s native to the Western US.
Proud…Those too. The African ones were found in retirement homes in Florida decades ago, initially as pets. Seems the old folks learned if they licked the warts on their backs they secreted a hallucinogenic substance that gave them a great high. When it was discovered, they were taken away. I say if you are left to the rest of your life in a retirement home, get your kicks where you can.
Damn it boy! We missed those ‘shrooms during the barracks raid! Sumnuvabiotch!
Only TAH brings us the very best phonies.
This one is awesome.
I was CPT Kaye’s navigator…..
It made me think back to high school trig classes “Mrs Jones, I’m never going to use this stuff in real life so why do I have to learn it?”
I really should’ve paid attention instead of cruising to a “D”. Getting to Titan was a stone bitch.
Trying to get a no foam latte at LOC was next to impossible.
Stacy0311…That’s it man! Game over! I’m rattin’ you out to space command at my next pick up! Man you crossed the line giving up your secret shit! But, I have to admit, a good cup of Joe was planets away. Those little green turds tried but Martian Chicory is just not coffee. 😀
Chicory won’t grow on Mars, Sparks. Those were roasted Martian rabbit pellets. (smile)
Hondo…LMAO “Martian rabbit pellets”! That’s a classic and I’m stealing it too. Without asking.
What a loser! 17 years active duty and only made it to Captain in the USMC ? You’d think Mars duty would be “career enhancing”.
What I want to know is how he stayed a captain so long without being “upped-or-outed.”
NavCWORet…My thoughts too. I mean the reenlistment bonuses must have been sky high for that duty.
Mars is worse than Guam.
But at least he knew how to add fuel to the tank and didn’t run out. You ever try to sue the shit out of a super secret squirrel rocket fighter manufacturer? Cast iron bitch, and you can’t blame it on the bushes cause there aren’t any on Mars.
Least none that I’ve ever seen.
Maybe he caught something from one of the legendary brothels on Zophor 6?
Ya never know – especially if he ever hooked up with Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore from Eroticon 3.
(RIP, Douglas Adams. We hardly knew ye.)
I wondered how long it would take to get a HHGttG reference on this one!
DUDE, what happens on Zophor 6 STAYS ON ZOPHOR 6!!! The rumors about the cyber-gals, yeah, they’re cleaned in between customers, but *COUGH, HACK*, I can’t remember anything else about them right now *wink*!
OH, and the Zophorian Habkook, *WHOOOOT!!*.
I would joke that this guy’s MOS was space shuttle door gunner, but since he actually was a space shuttle door gunner the joke would be rendered moot. I will give a hearty LOL anyhow.
Damn, Kaye just blew the cover off Col. Straker’s SHADO organization; who the hell’s gonna defend us from the UFO aliens now ???
I wonder what Martian nooky is like. 17 years? He must know.
here ‘ya go
Brothel scene! LMAO!
I believe him !!!
I was kidnapped back in 1974 by the Interstellar Space Command and after training at this place they call Ft. Puke I was sent to the ice planet Hoth. They made me wear these ugly green clothes and snowshoe all over Hoth to protect the Interstellar Pipeline that ran from Hoth to Tattooine and supplied energy fuels for Joeboo the Hust. I had to wear white clothes that didn’t keep us warm, carry this blaster thing they called a 203 and watch out for these other aliens they called Rooskies !!!
I never saw a Rooskie and the pipeline is still there and working great thanks to my guard duty !!!
And yet he is more believable than most of the phonies I’ve seen on this site.
Ok…this guy’s story makes me wonder how I can improve my own false history. I think Captain Kaye maybe onto something. At least my arrival in Beslan on Sept. 5, 2004 requires as large a logical leap as this guy’s fake story. That’s points for me, right?
Sincerely
John “Faker 6” Giduck
At least this guy is original.
Was this one of the programs quietly shut down because it unfairly targeted aliens?
I heard it was rayciss…8-)
Dammit! I thought being a Apollo bombardier was high speed. This guy is a definite badass. I wonder if he’ll write a book detailing any run-ins with the Venusians. Those bastards are tough. They even fart guided plasma rockets.
Holy hopping horse shit!
When I wrote my sci-fi novels about secret space forces, I didn’t really take into consideration what would happen when/if people retired (generally, they were usually blown up/eaten/dissected/blown out into space).
With this guy’s story, I have a great idea to add another couple of chapters to my next book dealing with someone who actually got out!
Unfortunately, his story is as believable as a government-created 9/11. You can’t have thousands of people all keep their mouths shut at the same time for so long. Not talking about the “starfighter heroes,” either. I mean the contractors, logistics people, admin types, medical, etc.
Hang on gang, there is a dark side to this guy. I ran my eyes over some of the titles of his webcam interviews. there seems to be kiddie porn and other kinky sex. This could bring some FBI types to your house. Joe
This guy was also the leader of the CSAR unit that went to rescue Major Tom when something went wrong (You guys do know that reference, right? 😀 ).
Yup. But Major Tom couldn’t hear me.
“Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on, Check ignition and may God’s love be with you”.
Like Bowie too.
Have it in vinyl too.
Saw him on “The Serious Moonlight Tour” 1983 @ The Capital Centre (now long gone). Great show.
Eggs…I envy you now!
Don’t be too envious, my brother snagged all my vinyl years ago.
Sparks – for you:
Ex-PH2…Thank you very much! Love this one too. I also have this on vinyl still, though I don’t play vinyl much anymore. I save them and use my CDs. Thank you again!
What I’d give for The Serious Moonlight DVD
After viewing this video I had to look up the Fame (Stick It) video…
I saw him in the Glass Spider tour. Wore my red shoes so that I could dance. Sat in the second row of the balcony. Spotlight was flying around, so I waved at Bowie and Bowie waved back. 😛
Enjoyed the show. Came away nearly deaf, but had a good time.
Ex-PH2 Awesome!
What you guys don’t know! There really are Martians, except they call themselves The Old Ones. Robert Heinlein knew all about them, the Martians and the Mars cabbages, too, because when Jim and Frank bolted from North Colony boarding school, they took Willis with them and ran into Gekko, one of The Old Ones. And Willis, being a Martian roundhead, repeated – I should say dictated – the entire story to Robert Heinlein while his lovely wife Jenny typed it up, word for word.
And here’s a shot of the Magic Island on Titan, since Kaye already let the roundhead out of the bag:
http://www.foxnews.com/science/2014/06/23/mysterious-magic-island-unveiled-as-saturn-moon-warms/
That’s the last time I let him have any of my kiwi salsa, too. Loaded with vodka – the man was tanked when he told that story.
Ex-PH2, are you SURE he didn’t indulge in some Zophorian Habkook before he did that?
Could be both, Proud. Alcohol, kiwis and haboobs – er, habkoobs, don’t mix too well.
Worst case scenario was he got lost and stopped off at Triton, up there near Youranus, thinking it was Titan. But it wasn’t. I see the Big Blue Storm on Neptune has finally stopped. Can you imagine spending an entire summer Under The Rains of Neptune? (Bullard’s Ballad, I’ve forgotten the lyrics.)
Ladies……..
You might want to get checked for space herpes.
This dude should hang out with The Order of Oddfellows and Toney.
Oh! I get it. T.O.O.T.
Sorry, it’s after supper and my mind is on my backlog.
I haven’t gone through all of the comments yet, so hopefully nobody has beaten me to the punch. Without further ado……
So, when he called home, it was literally a MARS call. (You younger whipper-snappers may not get that joke)
And, being stationed there 17 years, I am sure that he met some of the local population. Any chance that he brought a Star Wars Bride back with him?
Hack Stone…You’re the first! I haven’t thought of the MARS calls in decades! Thanks for the memories my man. 😀
My only experience with MARS was the sheets that they had at the Schabb USO, and every few months we would send one of our comm Marines to work in that little cinderblock building with the big ass antenna. I think a MARS-Gram was the birthday message that the Chaplain made you send to your Grandmother on her birthday.
Got it,Hack. Ran a MARS, spent more nights there than anywhere relaying calls base commander parked in the chair next to me…No, you guys! I wasn’t in trouble. Heh!
Wow. Great posts, everyone. Thanks for the laughs. From Cylons to space herpes, the creativity here is LOL funny and just what I needed at the end of a long day.
Does anyone know if CPT Kaye was in the recon element for Santa Claus’ attempt to conquer the Martians?
It was those supa secret squirrel peniscellan shots that cure space herpes, Doc. Researching that particular recon mission now…LOL!
Ex-PH2, I’m sure he was a regular customer in the famous brothels of Zophor 6!!
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is a Christmas Eve tradition at Stately Stone Manor. That would be the MST3K version. I highly recommend it. Now, everyone sing along….. Hooray for Captain Kaye.
Actually, I did some research on Martian sex practices and, well, it’s not pretty. Also, there’s a risk that you ought to know about. It’s called dickdeath. That’s right. Get the bug and, within 10 days, it just falls off. So, either our boy abstained for 17 years, got lucky, or he has no use for urinals any longer.
We could take up a collection and get him a She-Wee, then.
Sadly this dudes BS is more believable than a lot of them
Good to see you around, again.
Check out Thomas “Turd” Bolling on the search engine here.
A live one.
Yeah, but did his Aliens have psychic abilities?…….Yeah, I guess not. I’m not impressed. BTW, if anyone is feeling generous I could use some money placed in my comissary account. I’m running low on toothpaste and deodorant, and I need some new flip-flops for the shower.
Cool.
But did he run a security company on Mars?
Nation, International, Galactic and Interstellar security.
Turd Bolling did.
And did his misappropriate the Martian government for taxpayer dollars to line his pockets?
Galactic-Points Logistics.
Commander Phil Monkress did.
GeeTee, he’s one of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Not the one who call himself Starlord – remember him? (Who?)