Guilt vs. Regret
Guilt Vs. Regret
Dictionary.com definitions:
Guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong,etc., whether real or imagined.
Regret: to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)
Many of us struggle with survivors guilt in the wake of a loss of a brother or sister in arms. We may question ourselves, our actions, or our lack of actions. This can manifest it’s way into depression if not addressed.
So let’s address it shall we?
Personally, I struggle with guilt all the time. I compulsively and constantly apologize. I’m at times ashamed of myself and my actions and this can quickly evolve into self loathing and a lot more pain and depression than it’s worth, or the actual guilt should cause.
One of the ways I’ve been able to assuage my guilt is to consciously categorize it as regret. I’m regretful of my decisions and lack of action in specific situations. What if I had spoke up and cautioned an EOD tech about a secondary power source and victim operated switch being inside a command wire IED? What if I reminded him that we’ve ran a few hoax calls in the last few weeks and the enemy is watching us at all times? Would he and Doc still be alive? What if I was there that day on call and not my roommate through training and an all around great role model to me? What if I had been tougher and not been at a doctor’s appointment in the green zone instead of in Ramadi with my team? Would his career not have ended prematurely because of his wounds? Mine did anyway, might as well have been on that day… I digress.
I can sit here and allow this guilt to manifest into depression or I can turn it into regret. I can allow myself to be guilty; if and only if, I fail to modify my behavior. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result then why should I allow myself to become depressed because of guilt? Those guys don’t want me to feel guilty. They knew what they were doing and I’m creating this shit myself and letting it drag me down. I can be regretful instead.
More to follow. -Kilo
Category: Veteran Health Care
Many years ago a fellow jump master student failed to follow proper procedure for actions in the aircraft and as a result was killed when his reserve parachute was activated in the aircraft jump door while his static line was hooked up to the anchor line cable. As a result he was violently pulled from the aircraft and the opening shock of his main parachute acting against his reserve caused both parachutes to fail. He streamers in to Sicily drop zone a died. We still don’t know (we were never told) what exactly killed him- the violence of the exit, the opening shock, or the landing. At any rate, we were all laughing at him when it happened, because falling out of the jump door during clearance procedures was not uncommon but resulted in an automatic drop from the class. It was sort of a running jock that the black hats would just throw you’re grade sheet out after you. They offered us a one of a kind deal: Because of the trauma, we could drop from the class and renter within a year with no penalty. Division mental health came in and told us that we would probably experience a wide range of emotion, that survivors guilt was natural, and that we should seek mental health counseling if we need it. Then a chaplain came in and blew our minds. He said ‘I just graduated from jump master school a few weeks ago. This isn’t about God or faith, but leadership and competence. The jump master that died failed to follow procedure. He paid for it with his life. He knew that what he was doing was dangerous, but he did it anyway because he was a leader that wanted to take care of Soldiers. As a leader in an airborne unit, it is your job to accept responsibility for safely guiding Soldiers through an inherently dangerous procedure. If you fail to follow procedure, they could pay for your incompetence with their liives. If you can’t accept that, then leave now and don’t come back.’ No one dropped. The… Read more »
What if? Thats a fun game to play…for about a minute. What if men like you and I didn’t have the balls to step up and answer the call of duty? What if nobody else did either?
The price we pay for stepping into harms way is death or living with the memory of those who have. I live with those memories so others don’t have to live with the memories of far worse things.
“What if” is just a form of mental masturbation. Nothing really wrong with doing it from time to time. Unless of course we start doing little else but jerking off all day.
Regret is our reward for jumping into things most intuitively run from. I still jerk off from time to time…I just try not to do it in public.
My mother has always said, “Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving, so give it away.” We make choices in light of the situation at the time. Regret is the guilt we don’t give away and it leads to the what if game. If you now you did your best, it’s all you’ve got. Go with that!!
What if….what if I had been home the night my parents were robbed and stabbed instead of out with friends. What if I’d been home the night my brother slipped down the stairs and died? Would I have heard the noise and been able to get an ambulance in time to stop the brain bleed? What if I had told my friend I wanted him to stay the rest of the weekend even though he wanted to head home? Would he still have died in traffic? What if I had gone with friends that Christmas Eve and taken my truck instead of them driving their shitty old jeep would they not have died in a rollover? You can think about this shit all you want and it will make you crazy(ier) or you can realize that the simple reality of our existence is this, it’s really fucking fragile. We go through life every day most of us not realizing the difference between living and dying just doing normal everyday shit is razor thin…had a kid working at a shop where we ran two ton rolls of paper. He failed to secure the lifting rod properly when raising the roll of paper to the back of the press the roll fell and pressed him flat and dead instantly…here one second gone the next. Had a guy run to the rest room before we grabbed lunch, he had a heart attack in the shitter and was dead when I went to see what was taking in him so long. That’s just civilian life stuff that has happened. When you choose a military job you increase the danger level by factors of ten, when you choose a military job involving combat arms figure the danger goes up by factors of hundreds…the difference between life and death becomes thinner than a razor’s edge. The biggest illusion we have is that we are ever completely safe. You are never completely safe. We had a family sleeping soundly when their house detonated due to an undetected gas leak into their walls that sparked from an electrical… Read more »
On of the hardest lessons to learn is that we are barely in control of our own actions and have no real control over anyone else’s. Trying to accept responsibility for a bad choice someone else makes is not just futile, but foolish.
Kilo I’ve read and re-read your post hoping to find a way to express what is in my heart. My heart, that breaks when I read your words, words I’ve heard from too many from this and previous wars. First I am, as always, in awe of the other’s responses. The wisdom and compassion, understanding and advice here is remarkable. And accurate. And right. I am a mom, a Gold Star mom, and I promise you I understand the guilt and the regret and the struggle to find a way to navigate this treacherous path. As the others have said, guilt is not appropriate and regret is dangerous; both lead to the dead ends of what if, and worse, why. You chose a dangerous job, the military. You went to war. In war men die. Good and bad, they die. They didn’t die because they were good or bad, and you didn’t live because you were good or bad. It just doesn’t work that way. There are no should haves, and there can be no what ifs. Both assume the illusion of control, a folly in life and a particular folly in war. You say that you could have done some things different and that may have changed the outcomes. But it may not have, or may not have necessarily changed it for the better. No matter what, you did not set the bomb, lay the charge, fire the gun. That means you were not and could not ultimately be in control. You were not and could not be responsible. The enemy did that. The enemy is responsible. And those that died are responsible because they chose to do what they did. Just like you and all the rest, to go to war. This is not blaming the fallen, because that has a negative connotation. The only judgement or blame goes to the enemy that required you, and they, to go to war. The what ifs and whys also places responsibility for an omniscience only available in hindsight. Of course you would have, of course if only…but that’s not possible.… Read more »
Thank you, sincerely. This helps more than I can articulate at the moment.