The trip home
It’s been 3 years since I made the selfish choice to end my life. Through self medicating with alcohol and other ego driven behaviors I destroyed my life and burned bridges with people who loved me. I had a plan and was actively pursuing it. The best woman I’ve ever met came home from work to find me bawling uncontrollably and I told her I just couldn’t do it anymore and I left.
I called a friend and he told me to come over. I instead went out drinking trying to have a good time. It didn’t work of course and I found myself intoxicated and driving to his house a few hours later.
I called Z and WT roommates and close friends of mine. Both were asleep. Not wanting to wake them up (they would have but I felt guilty imposing on them, foolishness) and I left to carry out my plan. I was driving to my father in laws farm where my guns were kept out of the house and away from my daughter and I was pulled over after making an illegal “U” turn.
The police officers did their jobs, exceptionally well and it’s because of them and their actions that I’m alive to write this today. They were both vets and I opened up and was honest with them. They took me to the VA and I was hospitalized for 8 days. I got out and kept self medicating. I tried therapy but I never quit the booze until one day that amazing woman came home and said it was best if I moved in with Z and WT.
I couldn’t argue, I had no legs to stand on and she was trying to save my life and protect my child. A lot has happened in the last 3 years and some change since I stopped writing here. I will tell the story of my recovery and hopefully inspire someone else through their own road and on their own path.
We don’t talk about this enough and we’re losing friends and brothers and sisters every day to these struggles. The three pronged approach to treating PTSD is sleep, diet (meaning everything you put in your body not just food), and exercise. I’ll try to keep my posts brief and organize my thoughts but dyslexia and severe ADD hamper these efforts.
I’m not seeking attention or a cry for help and I will do my best to protect the anonymity of those close to me while telling my story. I have more motivation now than I ever have and have no intention of taking my life or risking it unnecessarily any longer. The children of suicide victims are three times as likely to carry out suicide themselves. This is a cost I cannot afford. I wish you all wealth in spirit and love and good health. More to follow -Kilo
Category: Veteran Health Care
Keep the faith and press on.
Turning to Jesus can aliviate a lot of this depression, can also give direction, protection and help in all kinds of circumstances…try it, or continue to live in the dregs! imho
why not cry for help? its just us. i want you here just for the fact that your shit is in the woods already and now we have a straight up friend. any time you thinklyou need a drink call me 7622415050
Damn glad to hear you’re doing better now. And extremely glad those cops were in the right place at the right time.
It’s been a few years now since I lost two friends this way, in two separate incidents, one of whom I might have been able to stop had that day gone slightly differently. It haunts me still, and that brought me to my lowest point ever, and it was the first time I could understand the feeling at a visceral level.
I’m not a shrink nor a vet, so I could be speaking entirely out of my ass on this one, but I’m inclined to think that the more people who talk about reaching those lows, and then bouncing back, the better chance we give people who hit those lows and feel lost, thinking nobody could relate to what they’re dealing with. Good on you for sharing, and here’s to hoping you grow stronger day by day, and your story helps others.
“… but I’m inclined to think that the more people who talk about reaching those lows…”
I agree.
Kilo, I’m praying for you and your family.
Never give up, never feel like your are an imposition on your friends. Your buddies want to be there for you.
We all hit lows. I was at a point one time when suicide was very attractive – but because of my family and friends I never got that near to doing it.
Hang in there, and give it all to God. He can pull you through.
Good on you. I’m looking forward to hearing of your journey.
I’ll pass on the particulars and wish you the very best. The fact of the matter is that whatever your particulars, it’s a tale repeated daily. The names change, the endings change (recovery, jail, prison, or slab) but the story is a constant. Tell it. There is always one person, at least, who will say, “He’s talking about me.” And that’s how it works. Sometimes, one hour at a time.
Very much like my own story. Don’t give up,never lose hope, and share it with others. God bless.
You’re going to help so many by sharing and talking about this! This Friday I attend the funeral of a Veteran who didn’t find a way out of the darkness. May you find peace, and a renewal as you continue forward for you and the ones who love you…proud of and for you. Thank you.
Glad you’re still with us, Kilo. Looking forward to learning about your journey.
There are a hell of a lot of folks who care about you–many more than you know. Please stay on course to talk to people who you know and think of your kids. I want to hear more from you. Semper Fi!
I’ve said this here before and it has worked for others.
When you’re at your wit’s end, when there is no hope and you plan on taking your life:
GO STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, OUT OF TRAFFIC, UNTIL THE COPS COME FOR YOU. SPILL YOUR GUTS AND GET YOUR HELP.
‘It’ will get better. It will. There is no shame in asking for help. Remarkable what those VA MH professionals and those in the civilian sector can do. There are all kinds of gee whiz drugs available.
STAND IN THE FUCKING STREET.
The only contribution I want to make to this discussion is that if you are watching a friend who is suicidal (or whom you think is), be careful-the symptoms can be tricky. Just because they seem happy it does not mean that the crisis has passed. I once knew a young man who had been a student of mine. He shot himself and his parents found him. They were shocked because he seemed so happy right at the end, but another friend-who works as a therapist-explained that part to me: the young man was happy because he had reached a decision and that had brought him some relief. His parents still cannot accept that he killed himself.
Another red flag is when those thinking of suicide begin to give away their possessions. A sense of euphoria can set in, a peace. Red flag.
So true. I had a Soldier who received counseling for depression and everyone missed the signs when he appeared to suddenly turn the corner and seemed happy once again.
What we didn’t know was that he had finally made his decision at was at peace with it.
Found out later he gave away many things that were important to him before he acted.
I wish I had taken an ACE class beforehand, might have understood the signs he was giving us.
Kilo, you are going to touch and save more lives than you’ll ever know.
God bless you.
Stand strong and let it out. We’re here to listen and help if we can. You’ve taken the first and most difficult step. Our prayers are with you.
What everyone else has posted. I’m glad that the officers were there and knew what to do. But, I’m also glad that you knew what to do. Stay strong.
” I’m glad that the officers were there and knew what to do.”
Amen.
I am a police officer. I’ve investigated more suicides by so many different methods than I can remember. Sometimes I know the backstory, most times I don’t. I’ve gotten hardened to it. And I feel an anger at the deceased for such a a selfish act that places me in a position to break the hearts of their loved ones. I hate waking people up in the middle of the night and doing that. My anger is easy, mainly because I don’t know the deceased. I just know I had to clean them up, lift them, see them, smell them, and meet their families. I’m a veteran and would do anything to prevent anyone from suicide. It has immediate and life long consequences. It’s such a terrible thing. I am in awe that you have shared this with us, a bunch of veterans and strangers. I wish you luck. This is a difficult row to hoe. Feel free to reach out to me, if you want. I can probably answer questions you have considered, and maybe not. I am a father of two and consider that my greatest life accomplishment. A work in progress. Their lives are my priority. It seems it is the same for you. I often wonder at how my priorities are forever changed. What I need is less important than what they need. A difficult marriage takes second place to a stable home for the kids. I suck it up and drive on. As have you, apparently. And that is your strength. That is the hand hold you need to rise up. Alcohol is a sirens song I know well. It is not as strong a bond as children. Please email me or ask for my number if you want. It is up to you. I am a stranger. Perhaps that is best, as you won’t feel guilty about waking me up. I’m a cop, we get calls in the middle of the night anyway! I am a 90s veteran. I served in Haiti. I was stationed in the 7th light infantry division and the 10th… Read more »
Planet – Thanks for what you have offered Kilo.
What part of 7th ID were you? I was in 2/9 from 89 – 92. Just wondering if maybe we crossed paths as light fighters.
Take care
I appreciate it brother. I’m well on my way to recovery and am so far out of the dark I feel compelled to share how it happened. You too are in my thoughts and if you ever need an ear I’m here for you as well. Pm your contact info to the admin address and we can exchange numbers. The only good thing about severe insomnia (I average 2.5-3 hours a night) is that I’m always available myself to help and lend an ear. I never struggle for things to say so even if you want to hear more I’m always willing to be honest and share what’s inside. Letting it out has been amazingly helpful and I’m blessed to have some incredible people in my life.
Been there, done that, Kilo.
I am overjoyed that you made it through the morass and darkness to find some Light.
Charlie Mike, Brother. I, also, will be praying for you.
Shalom
Hang in there brother. My late brother’s story was similar to yours but unfortunately it ended with a SWAT team and a bunch of unanswered questions for those he left behind. Just know that all here are pulling for you and we hope you continue on the path to getting better.
Thank you for sharing.
I stopped drinking more than 10 years ago, and it was the best decision ever. Alcohol is a depressant, in addition to all the other negative health impacts, there likely isn’t anything worse than drinking for someone with depression or PTSD. Life has its ups and downs, and for many of us alcohol only makes the downs worse.
Glad you’re here, happy you are writing, and blogging can also help with recovery (from what I’ve been told) 🙂
Good stuff, Kilo. Your words will touch so many in such positive ways. Thank you.
Leave no man behind, Kilo. We are here, and we HEAR you. Some of us have different experiences- me–no combat, but we can all help if you want it! Much love to you and your wonderful woman, and friends. You got this and we’ve got you…honest and true.
One step, one day at a time!
Keep up the good fight, brother.
‘Not dead, can’t quit’.
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Kilo, Thank You for opening your heart and sharing this.
Less than two years ago, I buried my brother because he made the decision of taking his life. He never gave any indication he was unhappy; there were no warning signs-in fact, he “overpreached” God, Jesus and the Bible for years and even in his suicide note, all he talked about was going to Heaven to be away from “this evil world.”
When doing an invetory of his home, I was shocked to discover bottles of hard liquor that he obviously drank to ease whatever emotional pain he was suffering. His survivors were his siblings and widowed mother. He served our country in the National Guard, but never saw combat.
I’m now a firm believer that just as some of us are born with genetic problems, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer and hiccups of the brain, i.e. mental illness. Unfortunately, the word “mental illness” has carried a bad stigma for a long time. But it is an illness, just as the other physical afflictions I mentioned above.
You are brave and have addressed and attacked your situation with proper care. I salute you. I can’t bring back back the past, but I wished my brother was brave to address his demons, whatever they were, because to this day, I still don’t know or understand why he took his life after depicting most of his adult life that Jesus was his Number 1 priority in life. Suicide is “not painless” because it impacts those that knew that person. Thank you again for sharing your story. You are an inspiration.You helped eased an emotional pain that I am still dealing and trying to understand in order to heal and move on. Thank you again.
Kilo, stay strong brother, been there myself, god bless.
Kilo, and anyone else reading:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
We are here. I’ve had phone calls to and from people here who have never met me in my lowest days. And I will do whatever needs done to help a brother or sister get the help they (and at time, all of us) need.
One day at a time, Kilo. One day at a time.
I am so glad that you found your way out if that pit of hell. I was there for most of the last four years I was in the Guard, after coming home in 2006. I gutted it out for as long as I could, before seeking help in 2008. The meds I ended up on ended my time in service by making me non-deployable…but it all worked out for the best. Godspeed to you.
The comments here fill my heart in a way that I’m unfamiliar with despite the amazing and exceptional people I’ve come in contact with and that have become my friends and family.
I live in Hawaii now, where the majority of us come from all over the world similar to the military. I’ve found my Ohana (family) and my inner peace with myself and whatever evil forces were dragging me down.
I’m not a spiritual man currently, I was raised to be an altar boy by devout catholics, christian in high school but have eventually grown bitter to the fear that has been preached about stories of eternal hellfire and damnation. I simply can’t put faith into miracle mongering and tales of exorcisms. Man has tainted the image of god and religion has created (in my opinion) far more problems than it has solved. But I do believe in a higher power and possibly fate.
Personally, I’ve taught my subordinates that nothing is coincidental, that everything happens for a reason, and it is this reason that we must ask the 5 Ws and How. For WHATEVER reason there is, I’m still here, still able to work and still improving and fighting through each and every day with some incredible people inspiring me and propelling me forward.
Thank you sincerely for all the love and support, but this is not just for me and my path. This is for all of us. We have all thought about it at least once but for most it’s quickly stamped out. Being military we probably all know or have experienced it ourselves at a deeply personal level. I’ve lost more friends to suicide than combat and that’s a sobering fact that we all need to confront. One is too many. Get help, get better and stay the course. Love and appreciate you all -Kilo
Stay strong, my friend.
Kill, I’m in Honolulu. Drop me an email and we’ll contact.
Kilo,sorry about the wrong name. Stupid spellchesck. ?
Wilco. My instagram is drahcir7285 if you want to message on there. Otherwise pm the admin address on here and we can link up. Thanks for reaching out. Always great to make new friends and if you get beyond judgement and prejudice anyone you meet can be a friend! Positivity and putting forth effort towards positivity are changing my life.
“Man has tainted the image of god …”
So true, so very, very true. Alas …
Kilo, will keep you in my prayers.
Keep your chin up and continue to fight not only for yourself, but also those that love and care for you.
If we could just boil down this essence and bottle it we would be rich in gold and spirt.
Been around those parts myself. It never gets ‘easy’, just a new shade of tolerable. When I am fortunate enough to stop and truly assess how fortunate I am to still be here, to have the skill and ability to help my fellow Service Members, life just seems a little bit more special.
These are our rewards, hard work, fidelity, perseverance until one day we will conquer the scourge of Veterans leaving this exsistance before their time.
Kilo, thank you for this…and that.
A thank you to all you crazy bastards!
Keep putting your thoughts into written word. It can help immensely. Keep up the good fight one day at a time, Kilo. I wish you peace, Bro.
One minute at a time becomes one hour at a time, which becomes one day at a time.
You have every reason to keep going for another minute, another hour, another day.
You may find solace in writing, in poetry, in art, in some creative endeavor that is yours and only yours. Or you may find solace in simply watching the sun come up in the morning and setting at night.
Watch the sunrise. Watch the geese migrating. Watch the seasons change. At some point, that black hole you’ve been facing will dwindle to nothing.
One minute, one day, one week, one month at a time. Hang in there.
“Watch the sunrise. Watch the geese migrating. Watch the seasons change. At some point, that black hole you’ve been facing will dwindle to nothing.”
Exactly. There are some amazing things in this world. We just have to open our eyes to them.
I got sober in the middle of a sea tour. I had already made 3 or 4 deployments TAD while I was still drinking. I was all over the Pacific and in many, many ports. The only thing I saw were bars.
After I got sober, when I was in port, I went on tons of tours. They were great and the people I met were amazing.
And one more thing, Ex-PH2. The things you describe are what I think of as the “quiet miracles.” They are everywhere. Absolutely everywhere.
To me, the quiet miracles are the most powerful thing on this earth.
“They are everywhere. Absolutely everywhere.” If you have eyes to see.
He is far most involved in His Creation than too many realize, IMO.
One day at a time, Kilo… good to hear from you and best wishes and prayers that you continue to fight the good fight
This is going to be a bit “out there”, but I have always marched to a different drummer, mainly the one of my choice. Sure, going against the grain every so often tends to occasionally isolate you from those of the group set mentality. Those of you who attended any college while maintaining a totally independent mindset know well the term “GDI” and the “Oh, he’s (or She’s) not one of us!” Often one’s first introduction to the sheople line of thinking and the potential need to join and fit in to be accepted. For several years now I have been attending Group, having been in two different ones. In both there were always three of four who could never seem to get hold of civility in their own home, often complaining about how miserable they were. Most of those I sensed suicidal thoughts as they were waiting for their life to end, the final chapters being the hell that would cause them to welcome death as peace, be it by natural occurrence or by their own hand. Can’t say I didn’t have compassion for those, but in asking, all answered that they had no interests in life, nothing to cause them to get up eagerly every morning, nothing in general to keep them busy. Of course that included none with hobbies. Now I’m no shrink, but simply just another vet who finds plenty to do with my life every day. Always behind, for that matter, wishing I had at least ten more good productive years to get things done. I stay busy because I do that which I enjoy. In simple terms, I have a REASON for getting up every morning. Of all those referenced above, not one is happily married (what a shocker!). Older I get the more I realize sometimes you are better off living alone than being miserable playing house. Some of the stories these guys tell really make me wonder why they remain in a relationship that is so chaos filled. If you aren’t happily married, then make yourself happily divorced! Plenty of couples I… Read more »
Thank you sincerely for the advice. One of the big changes I’ve made was just as you said, find a hobby. For me it’s getting outside and doing anything. Also sweating and burning a minimum of 600 calories a day tracked by my Apple Watch. I skate board, READ, now write, run, hike, study for SEC+, watch Ted Talks and learn something new every day.
It’s changed my whole outlook and feels great!!! I routinely ask new friends what gets them out of bed in the morning? What keeps them awake at night? You can learn so much and start a really deep conversation with those two questions. Great minds think alike brother!
Thanks to my God, I am 32 years sober. The first few years were a fucking nightmare, mostly because of my stubbornness, but with the help of AA and some great friends, I got my head out of my ass and made some real changes.
The world was a very, very black place as I came out of my alcoholic stupor. I was like you many times, wondering if it was all worth the “bullshit.” (HINT: it’s worth the bullshit).
It ain’t perfect, but it’s a hell of a lot better than waking up in a gutter puking my guts out.
Keep at it, Kilo. I don’t know how far along you are in your journey, but no matter what you’ve got brothers and sisters out there who are there for you.
Mustang Cryppie…good for you man. Those of us who have never had an alcohol monkey on our back still appreciate a person who has been there and beaten the odds. It’s inspiring stories like yours that really motivate people such as Kilo to make a change knowing the bright side of life is with reach after all. Thanks for sharing.
Jarhead, thanks for the kind words.
I just remember what my first sponsor told me:
“In order to keep it, you have to give it away.”
Truer words never said. I am still pigheaded many times, but I do realize that I am never happier than when I am helping others.
Kilo, good hearing from you. I look forward to hearing more. Keep up the good work. Semper Fi
Best of luck, amigo. One day at a time.
If things get rough, reach out. Someone here will be more than willing to listen.
As Hondo says, one day at a time. Move your left foot forward, then the right…you just gotta keep marching and not quit….God Bless…
A good friend told me that life can be like a ruck march, you may not reach the end but you can take it a mile at a time. Wise words from a great influence and role model.
Too often people in recovery programs spend most of their time worrying about not doing the don’ts in life. Don’t do this and don’t do that. Don’t act this way or that.
If you become so busy doing the do’s, you don’t really have much time to worry about not doing the don’ts.
It’s nice to have something other than ourselves to blame for bad decisions and or actions. PTSD, Alcoholism, drugs, blah, blah, blah. Truth is…we all fuck up things.
Bottom line is when people get sick and tired of being sick and tired they will do something about it and not a moment before that.
Stay busy living because we will all assume room temperature soon enough. Dying in a puddle of my own piss is not in my future.
Absolutely. I say we’re all just cells in the end. I’ve found fulfillment by trying to be the best father I can be. I didn’t know what that entailed but part of it was quitting drinking. Now it’s listening to my body and moderation. You don’t have to drink the whole bar or the whole bottle or even the whole glass if you don’t want to. I can quit at will and for the first time feel as if I truly have self control. It’s a very odd feeling but I’m not motivated by fear any longer and I don’t really have too many fears now to be honest. Great response, thanks brother.
Stay busy living because we will all assume room temperature soon enough. Dying in a puddle of my own piss is not in my future.
There you go stealing my words again Hardin….but you’re right if you sit around waiting to die oddly enough it seems you will usually sooner than later.
I couldn’t agree more about the keeping busy part, the more you do and the busier you are the less time you have to sit and decay.
When I go I want it to be doing something instead of sitting and waiting for it. I want to be living right up until the moment I die. Too many guys my age fucked their health to the point where they’re already dead they are just managing their existence until death catches up. I’m heavier than I want to be, I’m working on that but I can still run I still lift weights and I can still sail my boat…all of those I intend to do until I can’t.
I disagree with Mr. Mellenamp, if you choose to really live the thrill of living goes on all your life.
I’m a reserve LEO, a veteran and I have a close family member who is a recovering addict. This person’s addiction has been a big part of my life for many years. If I can possibly offer any advice or be of any use to you, please contact me. Get my info from Jonn. That goes for the rest of you; we don’t need to lose anyone this way.
Anytime you need to talk Kilo I’m here brother if you want to email me ill send you my cell you can call
Press on, brother… you just got the grandkids an extra hug tonight.
All the best Kilo. Glad to hear you are on the road to a good future and I wish you the greatest success. We are here.
Now this is awesome.