2014 Blue Falcon Stolen Valor North Regionals

1 Seed v. 16

1) Dennis Chevalier, Seven Wives and Counting, Valor Thief

CLAIM: LTC, US Air Force, Pilot
TRUTH: PFC, Texas State Militia, 20 Glorious Days in Texas National Guard

I’m coming up with the Chevalier Rule which posits that if you just shut the eff up when you get caught lying, people will forget in about 20 minutes, but when you decide to fight out your lies, you live in infamy. Case in point, this jackass. He’s a 1 seed for one reason and one reason only, he decided the best course of action was to team up with an insane lawyer and a drunken sky diving clown to take on TAH. And he’s turned into a cultural phenomena. Chevalier Rule #2 is that when you have 6 ex-wives, keep your nose clean.

16) Rowdy Anderson, Masculine, Sexy side of Phony SEALS, Valor Thief

CLAIM: “Former underwaterdimalishion at U.S. Navy” and a SEAL
TRUTH: Got all his awards from a printer at Kinko’s.

His Afghanistan Campaign Medal certificate was issued in 1996 – so he must’ve been on deep recon five years before 9-11-2001. I’m thinking he was very popular on Man Boy Love nights. That picture creeps me out so bad I can’t even begin to write more on this guy.

8 Seed v. 9

8) Larry Sims, Take this Job and Shove It, Embellisher/Valor Thief

CLAIM: Captain and then Lt Col in the 101st, CIB, Jump Wings with two stars
TRUTH: Five week Basic Training Washout.

This cat kind of cracks me up. This is the basic timeline. Gets job, claims CPT. We post, someone Googles from his work, dude gets fired. Dude gets new job, claims new rank (LTC) and someone again Googles. Lawyer for Job 2 sends us cease and desist. We invite him to fornicate with a cactus. Job researches, finds out he lied about other shit, fires him.

Look out Tampa, you’re about to have a Brigadier General get a job and hold it for about a week and a half.

9) Mark Tiemann

CLAIM: Just look at the picture.
TRUTH: Seven years a Marine, discharged as SGT.

It took 2 years to track this guy down, and he’s the size of Jupiter. Probably had enough magnetic field built up we could have just dropped a Navy Cross and followed it to his uniform.

I found video of him at BUDS:

5 Seed v. 12

5) Nikko De’Lozada, 118 lies in 18 minutes, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Again, 118 lies in 18 minutes.
TRUTH: See below.

Easy one to write, just watch:

12) Paul Benevente, Geordi La Forge’s Caucasian Cousin, Embellisher

CLAIM: Ranger/Engineer Officer
TRUTH: 5+ years as a SPC 4 electrician

I used to have a buddy that legit thought it was racist that the only black people on the Enterprise were either blind, or serving drinks. Didn’t keep him from watching every show with me at like 3am after his shift as a DJ at Hennessey (5263 M Street in Georgetown) and again reminding me that STNG was racist. Anyway, what the hell is an Engineer Officer in the Army? Do they have them? What exactly do they do?  Is it just the 12A’s?  Do they do electrical stuff?  I thought they destroyed berms?

Why would you piss away a good career with an idiotic Facebook post and LinkedIn profile? I just don’t get it.

4 Seed v. 13

4) Otto Gimbl, dude got a busted grill, Embellisher

CLAIM: Combat wounded OIF/OEF Veteran with PTSD
TRUTH: 15 month chump busted when he failed a piss test. Does have a NDSM though.

I said I wouldn’t put links in here, but you really need to go over to Scotty’s to get more on this guy. He’s rocking the lie, getting free service dogs, made it on FoxNews, and promptly looked down the News Babes shirt when she went to pet the dog. You can’t hate on that last part, but what a shitbag.

These doofusi (doofusses?) piss me off with getting service animals. I wish that dog would just one day take a chomp out of his testicle, and when the animal control shows up, in my magical world the dog stands on his back legs and says “What did you expect, this SOB is a valor stealing douchetool.” Then he runs off and humps Jessica Rabbit.

13) Jay Kerwin, Suns out, Guns out, Bios out, Embellisher

CLAIM: SEAL, AF Pararescue
TRUTH: Unknown, but backtracking like a biyatch on his claims. Allegedly did time at Leavenworth for ‘roids.

I don’t actually know the story on this one because Shipley apparently took down the video, but dude has disclaimer up that: “Disclaimer: Jay Kerwin is not a military officer nor has he ever been. Additionally, any reference made by third parties online or in the media to Jay being a member of the U.S. Navy or a Navy SEAL is inaccurate.”

I totally empathize because the same sort of shit happened to me. Somehow third parties online started the rumor that I was actually Ron Jeremy’s penis double. I tried and tried and tried to correct it, but that shit still shows up. FWIW, Ron is like a mini-golf pencil compared to me. It’s like a baby’s arm clutching an apple.

2 Seed v. 15

2) James Korfhage, Threats Schmets, get in your car already, Embellisher

CLAIM: Army Ranger
TRUTH: 21 Days at basic.

Another easy write up, because here he is threatening to kill Jonn and torture his family.

I’d love to tell you that this guy pissed me off because I worry about Jonn. But that’s a total lie. I actually hope this silly son of a bitch shows up at Jonn’s house. Because 2 days later I will file to get the FOIA recording of the 911 call.

Operator: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Jonn: Hi, I have some shitbag bleeding out at the end of my driveway, and he just won’t stop crying.
Operator: Did you hit him with your car?
Jonn: Well, not at first. First it was 5.56 to the kneecaps, and then 357 to the testicles. Then I hit him with the truck, twice, but the guy just won’t die. I need someone to take him away before he assumes room temperature and attracts birds. Oh, and thanks to the police for ignoring his threatening phone calls, this has been an awesome Christmas.

15) James Waldby, Built like a Snowman, Embellisher

CLAIM: 3rd Ranger Batt
TRUTH: Nice fake DD214 dick, 13 months total, out as PV1
I believe Peter Griffin said it best:

7 Seed v. 10

7) Thomas Bolling, Noyes Strikes Again, Valor Thief

CLAIM: SEAL
TRUTH: No
How is it that for 3 days I’ve been spelling Dan Noyes’ name wrong, and none of you asshats told me? I only realized it last night.

Love the Top Secret Defense. Among all of them, that’s my favorite.

 

10) Ron White, The Ninja, not the comedian, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Photographer attached to SEAL Team 2

TRUTH: Who the hell knows. I’m just not into ninjas. Sure, the outfits are cool, but all that leaping around and shit would wreak havoc on my knees.

6 Seed v. 11

6) Joe Weeks, Favored Son of Malta, Embellisher

CLAIM: Silver Star in Nicaragua as a PJ.
TRUTH: 2 years AF, security specialist.

 

and

 

11) Christine Mullen, Faster than a speeding missile, Embellisher

CLAIM: PTSD, found a boot with a foot in it, raped by 6 different commanders.
TRUTH: Yeah, no. Problem sailor, “one night she got into a drunkin stunptor and assulted one of her Staff NCO’s. She then tried to claim that the Senior Staff NCO had raped her. The investigation proved this false.”

Again, this chick claims to have outrun a missile. On a flight deck. Fired from a plane about 30 feet away. I’ve got just the man for her.

3 Seed v. 14

3) Amy/Joel Kleyla, Swollen Valor, Embellisher

CLAIM: SEAL, Female
TRUTH: SEABEE, Twig and berries may have been harvested.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw Amy Joel. It was 1977, and I was 7. It was Thanksgiving, and settled in to watch TV. And there she was, being led behind Snoopy in the Macy’s parade by 196 people trying to keep her from floating away. Wait, this thing lives in Indy?

 

14) Robert Lawton, Shat on my honorable career, Embellisher

CLAIM: Purple Heart, present at Beirut bombing.

TRUTH: Incredible career that does not include a purple heart or being in Beirut during the bombing.

Honestly, this is just inexplicable. I’m completely befuddled. The guy’s actual record is one that any rational human being would be proud of. But not good enough for Bob. This may be the most damning thing I’ve said, but I just feel bad for him. He’s one of those people who is incapable of any pride.

VOTE:

Category: Politics