The Great Fudge Fiasco
I am a lot of things, 2 of those things are a pretty good cook and a lover of all things chocolate.
I enjoy cooking, so just a little while ago I decided to make homemade fudge. I’m pretty sure the kitchen now qualifies as a disaster area, I may have to call in a hazmat team.
Amid all the carnage is a 9 inch by 9 inch pan that contains something that is almost completely unlike fudge. The truth is it’s unlike anything I have ever seen before. I do believe that God wanted fudge at some point billions of years ago and made the same mess I did tonight, when he tossed it became the primordial ooze.
At one point in making this ooze tonight I had something that was very much like lava. The pan boiled over and hit the burner, I had flaming lava. I kept at it and pretty soon I had boiling flaming lava. During this madness I looked at the stove and remember thinking that I may be able to get it clean with a power washer. I read the hershey website and the comments and they all agree that I didn’t get it hot enough. Well hell it must be the stove, Its a GE but it does not have that optional surface of the sun setting or the pits of hell setting that is so well known on the newer models. The website also says things like “When the boil recedes” I remeber that point it was about the same time I had the fire extinguisher in one hand and the phone in the other getting ready to call 911. I was still at this point foolishly thinking that it would turn out ok.
As the smoke cleared and my eyes stopped watering I could see the remains of the pot. The top of the stove was coated in a protective layer of chocolate as well as the burner. The drip pan looks like some that spent 10,00o years in a tar pit and Im thinking its about time for a new stove anyway, this one is over a year old… But I still think I can save the fudge.
The directions say to toss in the butter and the vanilla at this point so I do. They also say to let it cool to 110 degrees. Oddly enough that is the exact same amount of time it takes to research the price and availability of a new stove as well as make a real effort at cleaning the old one.
Then I am to stir this hot mess with a wooded spoon until it thickens and starts to loose its gloss, who are they kidding? Gordon Ramsey and Martha Stewarts love child that contained the reincarnated spirit of Julia Child couldn’t save this little bit of hell on earth. But I did it anyway. I need some new wooden spoons, mine are now coated in the ooze, Its the damndest thing that crap hardened on the stove, the burner, the drip pan, the pan its self and the spoon but will not harden in the 9×9 pan.
In all fairness to Hershey and little old women everywhere I am sure this is a fantastic recipe. I will at some point try it again. There is some exaggeration in the above post. I never had a phone ready to dial 911. I am not going to have to replace the stove, however I did consider it. I will have to get new drip pans and possibly a new burner. They are coated in hard chocolate. The spoons are a lost cause. I may have invented a new industrial sealant/adhesive.
As a comparison, A few years ago I home hot salt blued a pistol. I used red devil drain cleaner and distilled water in a old stainless steel pot. I did it just to see of it would work and it did. The pistol came out great. That mixture was so volatile that any organic material it touched either melted or burst into flame. I was more worried about the Fudge lava that I ever was the blueing mix.
I am going to post the recipe below. The tips in italics are mine
Ingredients
- 3 cups sugar
- 2/3 cup HERSHEY’S Cocoa or HERSHEY’S SPECIAL DARK Cocoa
- 1/8 teaspoon salt
- 1-1/2 cups milk This should read whole milk
- 1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions
1. Line 8-or 9-inch square pan with foil, extending foil over edges of pan. Butter foil. I knew I was screwed when I has problems at this step.
2. Mix sugar, cocoa and salt in heavy 4-quart saucepan When they say heavy they mean it, Think reactor vessel or may an old locomotive boiler; stir in milk. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture comes to full rolling boil This is where it start to go wrong, I strongly recommend a fireproof suit and increasing the home owners coverage . Boil, without stirring, until mixture reaches 234°F on candy thermometer or until small amount of mixture dropped into very cold water, forms a soft ball which flattens when removed from water. (Bulb of candy thermometer should not rest on bottom of saucepan.) By this time you have the above mentioned lava, NORAD has detected a possible missile launch in the kitchen and you have to get close to the Devils Diarrhea in the pot to test it.
3. Remove from heat. Add butter and vanilla. DO NOT STIR. Cool at room temperature to 110°F (lukewarm). Beat with wooden spoon until fudge thickens and just begins to lose some of its gloss. Quickly spread in prepared pan; cool completely. Cut into squares. Store in tightly covered container at room temperature. About 64 pieces or 1-3/4 pounds. Well This is bullshit. Make a Dr. Appt to have your rotator cuff repaired and get in good with a Coven of Witches because I’m pretty sure they are the only ones who can make this stuff.
NOTE: For best results, do not double this recipe. This is one of our most requested recipes, but also one of our most difficult. The directions must be followed exactly. Beat too little and the fudge is too soft. Beat too long and it becomes hard and sugary. Go out and buy fudge
Category: Who knows
Currently up with insomnia before calculus class; your post made me giggle almost indecently. While I am not a chocoholic (didn’t get the gene for it), I cook on a regular basis for one, and have had some real doozies fail to come out in the past. For spoons, let me recommend Tovolo silicone-headed mixing spoons. The handles are metal but not a problem as long as you don’t rest them on hot metal, and they clean up beautifully even after substantial abuse. For pots… well, I’d use an enameled dutch oven for the pot, and instead of buttered foil, parchment paper is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
The real trick with fudge is pretty much the same as with caramel; you’re trying to set off a controlled chemical reaction (the Maillard reaction, to be specific) by applying extreme heat to the sugar but at the same time keeping it from burning. Like with most controlled chemical reactions, the ‘control’ part is a nebulous concept that only improves with practice, and even with practice you can end up with interesting works of modern and post-modern art masquerading as failed food.
Oh – fun facts 1 and 2. Fun fact #1: the kind of cocoa powder you use in fudge matters, as ‘dutched’ cocoa powder will not only taste different but also behave differently because it has a neutral pH. Un-dutched has a higher acidity and has a more intense flavor (the dutching process does away with a lot of flavonols. Fun fact #2: when substituting cinnamon for cocoa powder in a cake recipe, using a 1 to 1 substitution will result in probable failure as cinnamon is not absorbent the way cocoa powder is. When making a layered Viennese coffee cake, I learned this the hard way: the un-cinnamoned layers baked just fine, but the cinnamon layers were gooey and raw and the entire thing fell apart when trying to turn it out onto a plate.
Thanks for the tips! Being a kitchen neophyte, I need all the help I can get.
Shalom.
Quite welcome and shalom! I used to get called upon by my friends for help on a regular basis. As we’ve scattered, the requests have grown fewer and fainter (and the internet more prevalent with answers) and I find I miss it.
I cheat a lot and use a kit with all the ingredients included, avoiding having to measure anything except my patience. My first experience with fudge was an utter disaster as the pan I was using absolutely sucked for it. Instead of the flaming lava above, I had almost instantaneous hardening in the pan itself.
I am getting better at it, and maybe if I ever get some really good pans or the dutch oven, I will try it from scratch again.
I make a mean “Buckeye” though… kind of hard to screw those up too bad.
I consulted the local expert – my wife. One thing she has discovered is the construction of the saucepan. It really has to be heavy duty. A thinner metal saucepan results in the fudge really burning on the bottom before the overall temp comes up to the required amount. Even so, the heavy aluminum pan she uses still gets a little burned stuff on the bottom.
When I mentioned the rotator cuff comment my wife got a good laugh.
Interesting!
Reminds me of an early chocolate disaster. My Dad was a chocoholic, and I seem to have inherited that gene. Decades ago when cake mixes were still a novelty, making a German Chocolate cake seemed like a good idea even without a mix for it. I was young enough to need some supervision in the kitchen, but not a hovering parent.
All was going well. Cake was in the oven and the topping was made. (Don’t think they were making canned frosting yet.) But, when baking time was up, the “cake” was more like a thick pudding. Left it in another 5 minutes with little change.
After a family meeting, it was decided that leaving it in any longer was useless. We let it cool, then put on the topping. It was delicious! But not cake.
More like fudge.
There is no such thing as a “chocoholic”, OWB. There are only (1) those who are sane and (2) those whose affliction will not let them enjoy good chocolate. (smile)
Gotcha!
Truly, truly. We must always pray for those less fortunate, that they may be delivered from their malady.
🙂
Here’s a solution to your fudge problem that will benefit more than one person.
Buy the fudge from this company.
http://fantabulousfudge.com/
They have a wide variety of stuff like that, they are an American company located in Michigan, and they offer a wide variety of chocolate and chocolate-covered sweet treats.
Call them.
Save your stove and your dignity.
I forgot this part: if you are making a candy that requires boiling and sugar, use a double boiler.
A double boiler is a saucepan partly full of water with another, smaller saucepan set into it. The boiling water keeps the sugar, and in this case, chocolate, out of near-direct contact with the burner’s heat. All stovetop burners have hot spots, and in this case, you want even heating.
If you don’t follow this method, you can definitely count on burned sugar, hardened, concretelike candy and a massive, prolonged cleanup that will make you wish you hadn’t started.
USE A DOUBLE BOILER. You can still find them for the kitchen, or you can use your available stuff.
Range Kleen has a double boiler/steamer set (3 pieces) at Target for about $40.
http://www.target.com/p/range-kleen-double-boiler-steamer-insert-set-silver-3-quart/-/A-12271668#prodSlot=_1_1
There are also double boiler inserts which will fit a range of pot/pan sizes and can be used for making candy, melting chocolate, etc. I have http://www.kingarthurflour.com/shop/items/double-boiler which I like particularly because it has cups marked on the inside of those graduated rings.
Go out and buy fudge
Indeed my friend I am quite fortunate to have some local companies devoted to creating this delicate concoction and I never spend a minute worrying about making my own when I can, apparently, save my stove and my sanity by giving them about $6 for a pound with a wide variety of options.
I should point out that your advice also works quite well for Cannolis and for Chocolate Mousse Cake….some things should be explored and some things are best left to the experts.
I’m fantastic with a grill or making solid indoor cooked meals, but I have found I don’t have the patience or small motor acuity for pastries and desserts.
You want a nice juicy ribeye? I’m your guy, you want chocolate flowers adorning your raspberry creme cake? Find a pro cuz I’m out.
NH Sparky – you are advantaged, there is a GREAT fudge shop in Bristol and I believ another in Manchester, ya lucky bahstid!
Good. God.
FOOL PROOF FUDGE:
–Lightly greased 9 x9 inch pan.
–One bag hershey’s semi-sweet or dark morsels.
–One can sweetened condensed milk
–One cup chopped walnuts (optional)
Put the bag of hershey’s morsels in the pan on medium low heat. fold the sweetened condensed milk into the morsels, and stir gently while the morsels melt. Add your walnuts, and pour the mixture into your pan. Put the pan into the refrigerator for one hour. Take the pan out, cut the fudge to desired sizes, and remove about half of the fudge to a plate. Separate the fudge in the pan, place a trimmed piece of wax paper on top of the fudge left in the pan, and put the rest of the fudge back in the pan, on top of the wax paper, separated so they don’t stick together. Cover the pan and put it back in the refrigerator. Fudge will be firm and ready to eat in a couple of hours.
Just so there is no confusion, it should read:
“…morsels in A POT on medium heat…” You’re not using the same pan that you greased and that is put in the refrigerator with the mixture.
I do the same thing with the microwave only I add a quarter stick of butter to it. Best to use some creamy Wisconsin butter like the Land’o’Lakes brand available at you local Walmart.
Grease a glass 8″ pan with butter and put the 1&1/2 bags of chips and butter stick in.
Heat the chips and butter for 3 minutes on high in the microwave.
Stir in the sweetened condensed milk.
Add another 3 minutes in the microwave or until completely melted nice and gooey.
Stir in the nuts with a wooden spoon and place in the refrigerator for a couple of hours.
Cover with wax or parchment paper and cut into squares or strips and enjoy it. Lasts about a week in a covered dish in the fridge.
Easy, cheap and delicious.
My general rule is that I don’t even attempt to make candy. My mother was a true wizard in the kitchen, and even though she made perfect candy, she hated it — as E4U found out, it’s a chemical reaction looking for a superfund site. A friend of mine had me over one day and made this in front of me to show me how easy it was. To date, it’s the only candy I make. I buy anything else, most particularly peanut brittle.
Oh, E4U! Back AWAY from the peanut brittle recipe!!! 😉
As a lover of all things fudge (particularly home made peanut-butter fudge) the easiest way to acquire fudge is the local Amish roadside stand.
There’s also plenty of other home made goodies to select. Stuff liked chow-chow relish, corn relish, pickles, fresh vegetables and fruits, and occasionally, if I’m there early enough and they’re not sold out, breads and pies.
I forgot to mention, this is funny as hell !!! Thanks for the laugh Enigma4 !!!
Huh…….
I read the headline….
The Great Fudge Fiasco
and I figured it had to involve Psul/Paulmer, Phildo/Bernutsky/LoNgRanGe41Schlurper/Cheese Slayer.
Funny, about that…..
/someone had to say it. 😀 😀
Made me laugh.
ChipNASA, with them it would be “The FudgePACKING Fiasco”
I figure that any place that sells cheese, also sells sausage and most also sells fudge.
But I do love chocolate covered caramels, which Sanders in Michigan makes.
http://www.sanderscandy.com/Dark-Chocolate-Sea-Salt-Caramels-p/25270-p.htm
They aren’t cheap, but then, neither is anything that is really good.
Since I switched to a ketogenic lifestyle over a year ago, I’ve improved my cooking and baking skills by 1000 (and I was a pretty good cook before) since if I want to eat anything except meat and veggies, I have to make it myself.
There’s a bit of a learning curve, but there’s almost nothing I can’t recreate with almond flour, coconut flour, whey protein, stevia, and erythritol (natural sweetener).
Fortunately, chocolate is naturally low carb and a superfood or I don’t know how I’d stick to this way of eating. As it is, we eat sooo much better now, my husband is loving it. He is the dishwasher who cleans up after my many creations.
Last week’s dessert was Pumpkin Chocolate Brownie Cheesecake, the week before it was Lime Bars, and this week is Tiramisu made with chocolate pound cake. I’ve also made a variety of cookies, candies, and yes, fudge.
I have to say that I would have never been able to do it without the many fabulous food bloggers out there who develop such divine recipes. I have hundreds that I still have to try including Snickers bars, Thin Mints, Payday bars, and Twix bars.
I highly recommend this way of eating. We eat fabulous food, are never left hungry, have lots of energy, yet have lost a lot of weight and improved our biomarkers into the excellent category. We are in our early 50s and neither of us is on any medication or has any health issues.
It’s having your cake and eating it too!
Wife and I started with the Whole 30 on 16JAN, Paleo after that, went full on Keto in late March.
Blood glucose (tested in early June) was the lowest it’s been since they started (about 15 years ago?) testing me for it – 86. All other metabolic markers also improved significantly.
At this rate, by next Spring I might be close to how I was when I got out of the Army in ’75.
Thanks for all the tips and comments.
I had to be on a Job site at 6am this morning and Just got back to the dwelling. 7 PM
I wrote the post about 2 am, I decided to make the fudge about 7 pm. I had the kitchen mostly clean by midnight last night.
It had me giggling, too.
🙂
I’m going to try this in December using Callebaut chocolate and Erythritol, instead.
HH6 and all female relatives ALL concur on the double boiler thing.