Of beef jerky, Brussels Sprouts and Alicia Silverstone’s body
When one of you retards signed me up to receive “Out” magazine at home, I laughed.
When the ACLU set up shop outside my front door yesterday, I chuckled. I tried to talk to the poor moron solicting funds, and then I laughed.
Now today I have PETA in front of my office handing out flyers. Seriously, which of you assclowns is trying to drive me nuts?
The pamphlet in question is entitled “Vegetarian Starter Kit: Everything you need to eat right for your health, for animals, and for the Earth.” So, as I sit back to drink my Nesquik reduced fat Strawberry Milk (where does one find strawberry cows?), eat some beef jerky and gummy worms (yes, my actual lunch today) let me share with you some quotes from actual celebrities who know things WAY better than I could. But, just in case they are fallible, I will also put up my first gut response.
By opening this guide, you’ve just taken the first step toward one of the best choices that you can make for yourself, animals, and the planet. The pages that follow are packed with important information, tips, and recipes to help you establish eating habits that you’ll feel great about.
It’s easy to live and let live, and this guide will show you how. Dig in!
These gummy worms taste nothing like worms. I wonder what this cow thought when someone was yanking on her teats? Damn this jerky is good.
Casey Affleck: “I don’t eat meat or any other animal products…because they’re unhealthy and they’re the product of a violent and inhumane industry.”
Who the hell is Casey Affleck?
Constance Marie: “I stopped eating meat … when I was working on the movie Selena. During the shoot, I had to hold a chicken for five hours—if you hold it and feel its little heart beating for hours, you just can’t think about eating it.”
Well. I’d say that is bad news for lesbians. BTW- Who the hell is Constance Marie?
Alicia Silverstone: “Since I’ve gone vegetarian, my body has never felt better and my taste buds have been opened up to a whole new world. It’s one of the most rewarding choices I’ve ever made and I invite you to join me in living a healthy, cruelty-free lifestyle.”
Never felt better eh? I’ll be the judge of how your body feels. I’d like to invite you to do something as well, but since it involves leather, a ball gag and a ping pong paddle, maybe I’ll just email it to you.
Kristen Bell: “I have always been an animal lover. I had a hard time disassociating the animals I cuddled with—dogs and cats, for example—from the animals on my plate, and I never really cared for the taste of meat. I always loved my Brussels sprouts!”
I’m not normally one to judge, but you seem kinda hot to be getting it on with animals. And what were dogs and cats doing on your plate? Did you ever have something on your plate that just sat up and licked it’s butt one day? Is “Brussels Sprouts” a euphimism like dogs having lipstick?
Carrie Underwood: “I do it because I really love animals and [killing animals for meat] just makes me sad.”
*Blink * Blink *
How is it you have managed to live this long without stabing yourself in the eye with a spork?
Joaquin Phoenix: “Animal rights is a part of my everyday life. When you live by example, you create a certain level of awareness. Friends of mine, people I have never discussed animal rights or vegetarianism with, are adopting vegetarian habits because they see it.”
Heh. Oh wait, you were serious? What the hell is an animal right? Yeah, maybe you should stick to rap dude.
Russell Simmons: “Chickens raised for food today are covered in excrement, they’re diseased, and they’re drugged up with all sorts of toxins that you are ingesting if you eat chickens. One recent study found that chicken flesh in this country has four times as much arsenic—yes, arsenic, the poison (which is used in the drugs the chickens are given) as any other meat … I have been a vegan for many years.”
You’ve totally got the recipe all screwed up. You roll the breasts in aresenic, THEN you smother in a layer of excrement before adding another layer of toxins. If you are feeling really froggy, you can crush some Flinstones chewables on the outside which makes a good coating. Sort of a “Chicken Cordon Chew.”
Anyway, whoever is sending these asshats to my office, please stop.
Category: Politics
Sorry, dude, but I’m laughing with you, not at you. This sounds like a little JD classmate prank (or possibly a group of buddies from the military, because I know they are not above such Tom Foolery).
hint: we signed a guy up for the local GLBT advocacy group. He started getting phone calls and mail solicitations from every leftwing organization you can think of. I especially liked the blue bumpersticker with the yellow equal sign on it that he received in the mail from the “human rights” section of the GLBT group.
What’s gotten into you guys today…..first, Claymore’s missive on an intercepted conference call and now this. I gotta get something to clean the pop off of my monitor, IT is gonna hate me when turn this laptop in.
OMFG
Pamela Anderson;
“Chickens, pigs, and other animals? They are interesting individuals with personality and intelligence”
Maybe you should eat some so that you too can become an interesting individual with personality, intelligence, and maybe even talent!!!
Covered in excrement, diseased, and drugged up with all sorts of toxins? That sounds a lot like the Vibe party after the BET Awards…thanks…I’m here all week, dawg…try the chicken finger platter…
I had a hard time disassociating the animals I cuddled with—dogs and cats, for example—from the animals on my plate
Yeah, I can identify with this. The Vietnamese place up the road was shut down by the Health Department. The calico pho was off the chain, man.
“Who the hell is Casey Affleck?”
Surprised you don’t know. Don’t you ever see those cute insurance commercials with the duck?
It’s a Lie
we all know Alicia eats Meat………..:P
Animals rights: They have the right to be braised barbecued,or deep fried. Should they give up those rights they will be smothered in onions and served with a cream sauce.
And since I’ve cut back on smoking due to higher taxes, meat tastes even better.
Hmmm… so my plan is working? Well, sorta.
I wished I’d signed you up for ‘Out’, and I wish I’d thought of those other things. You haven’t issued a fatwa on me for months.
Still, some lurker here must have functional ESP; so beware TSO, beware.
“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”
— Robert A. Heinlein
Take that you lawyer!
Got all that my mind meld friend? I suspect it’s Caroline.
Have you ever wondered if animals have discussions about human rights? And if they do do they invite humans to attend? Nothing I would like better then to sit down with a pride of lions to discuss their grievousness concerning meat eaters.
Ain’t that right Siegfried?.. Siegfried?.. Roy? Anybody ?
“I had to hold a chicken for five hours—if you hold it and feel its little heart beating for hours, you just can’t think about eating it.””
I raised chickens for three years in FFA.(won Grand Champion in my senior year) I promise you that I had no such thoughts at all. It seems nether do they, because if they get a taste of blood, the will attack and eat the flesh off of the birds that die. That is a reason that you have to cull the batch of those that have genetic faults, such as not being able to stand and fend for themselves.
That there was some good eating. Some of the better birds weighed in about 10 pounds.
Hey guys……….whoever filled out his membership app. to NAMBLA better get on the phone.
Sporkmaster said: I raised chickens for three years in FFA.
There it is! And well done with the Grand Champion thing.
TSO probably never chased a headless chicken around. I DO suspect he’s a city boy.
But then… He’s a wannabe lawyer.
The good thing is that with proper prompting he might eat another lawyer… Kinda interesting concept that.
Imagine the debate? Ya’ll fill in the blanks. I’m having toooo much fun.
Sean, she LIKES meat, she doesn’t eat it.
Talk about animal rights, the local radio station had a PETA moron on this a.m., she was telling us all how fish grieve over their lost playmates. One of the hosts asked, how can you tell, you can’t see them cry underwater. I thought I’d ruined my keyboard, for sure.
And Casey Affleck isn’t near as smart as the Aflac duck.
TSO is certainly NOT a city boy. Not even remotely close. About 3 hours from any city. I grew up a town away from the town that Norman Rockwell based all his paintings on. We had 5 towns in my HS and I graduated in a class of 72.
TSO said: TSO is certainly NOT a city boy.
’72 huh? At one point you claimed to be ‘dead head’? That will be the topic when next we meet. Look up Electric Koolaid Acid test. I met Jerry in ’67, again at Woodstock in ’69.
All that aside, have you ever eaten a chicken that YOU killed?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4s0nzsU1Wg
Honestly… I think too much of TSO to keep this up. I’ll drop it without prejudice <— lawyer talk.
To all and sundry… been out drinking beer and driving my Kubota for the last few hours.
“Chicken Cordon Chew.”
ROFLMAO!!
I belong to PETA: People who Eat Tasty Animals.
If vegetarianism is such a great deal, why do they spend so much effort to make the shi..er, cra..uh, stuff taste like meat?
And why are so many vegatarians caught up in meatless ferver about it? Hey it’s a choice like any other. I won’t pee on your alfalfa sprouts if you won’t pee on my hamburger, deal?
Never felt better eh? I’ll be the judge of how your body feels. I’d like to invite you to do something as well, but since it involves leather, a ball gag and a ping pong paddle, maybe I’ll just email it to you.
You owe me a new monitor AND keyboard. The ones I currently have are covered in a mixture of Dunkin Donuts Regular Blend (two cream, two Sweet N’ Lows).
BTW–did you not get the restraining order from her yet? No, not THAT one. The one on the little piece of paper. Hmmmm..maybe I’ll just have to give a ring to the boys over at Code Pink, NOW, ANSWER, and have them throw in Bwaney Fwank in a pair of assless chaps for good measure to drop by your shop. Nothing like getting the weekend started off on the right foot!
Well at least we know Russell Simmons won’t be eating chicken with his watermelon.