Gold Star Mother’s Day

Gold Star Mother’s Day is observed in the United States on the last Sunday of September each year. It is a day for people to recognize and honor those who have lost a son or daughter while serving the United States Armed Forces. Today is that day.

One of our own, Only Army Mom, is a Gold Star Mother. She is active in that community, and we are honored and humbled when she comments here. Today she is giving a speech- I won’t say where to guard her privacy- and is incredibly generous in forwarding her thoughts to us.

A word of caution. While she starts with expected background, and the meaning of being part of the Gold Star Family, for that is what it is; be very glad her ire is not directed at you.

Gold Stars and Politics

Only Army Mom

For the past several weeks, statements about how President Trump hates the military, disrespects veterans and dishonors The Fallen and Gold Star families are getting air time once again. This seems to be because Sunday, September 27 is Gold Star Mothers Day, and because we are in the midst of the most contentious election cycle most of us can remember. And of course, the Presidential debate on Tuesday is a factor as well.

Regardless of the why, it is time to share some advice that I cannot strongly enough recommend.

Do not politicize the Gold Star.

If you’d care to argue or challenge me, bring it. But you better pack a lunch.

Let me explain a few things to you about this community of Gold Stars to which I belong. Everyone knows the military if it can be said to lean, does so slightly to the Right. But neither the military nor veteran community are a monolithic voting bloc. Still, those who choose to serve generally come from – or develop while in the military – a certain mindset and character; they have some common experiences, some common reference points. Focusing on this is how many make the mistake of believing military service equates with a singular set of perspectives on social and political issues.

So, there is some evidence to support a statement about the military and veteran world views leaning ever so slightly Right. But, to extend that thinking to include assumptions about the families of those who serve is an unwarranted and unsupported extrapolation. That includes the Gold Star families.

This community only has second-hand common reference points, our loved ones’ service, and their death while wearing the Uniform of that service. In nearly all other respects, getting the Gold Star community to agree about nearly anything is like herding cats with a hula-hoop.

This is why the nearly universally respected and honored rule about not politicizing the Gold Star is so significant. And why those who break this rule face extreme ostracization from the community.

This community plays a critical, often literally life-saving role for its members. The significance of being able to relate the most horrific moments of life to a room full of people who understand without a word being spoken cannot be overstated. Loss of this community, loss of this connection can be devastating.

Fear of this consequence is not the only, or even primary, reason for the prohibition against politicizing the Gold Star. Simply put, there is no such thing as a Democrat or Republican Gold Star because there is no such thing as a Democrat or Republican Soldier, Sailor, Marine, Airman or Coastie.

The Gold Star Lapel Pin is a military decoration bestowed upon the family members of those who had that blank check cashed. We did nothing to earn this recognition. It has come to us through the service and sacrifice of our loved ones and as such, we are honor-bound to respect and uphold the principles which it represents. This includes respect for Uniform Code of Military Justice under which our loved ones lived and died. Their headstones and memorials contain a lot of information about who they were, but political affiliation is notably, intentionally, rightfully, absent.

Perhaps the only other nearly universally held opinions within the Gold Star community relate to how we wish the rest of society view us. We want people to understand that the price of their freedom has been paid with the blood of our loved ones. And, this price continues to be paid by the life-long, never-ending grief of the families.

Another widely agreed upon sentiment is, we would rather you know nothing about us, not know we exist, than to use us as political pawns. Or, use the headstones of our loved ones as elevated bully pulpits from which to beat on your opponents. We’ve all seen too many examples of this, from the politicians who use the wake and funeral services of The Fallen as a photo op, or those who insert themselves into a private, family tragedy to raise their political profile and pander for votes.

Those within the community who use the Gold Star as a cudgel with which to strike a political blow and then as a shield when criticized for doing so are viewed as having committed among the worst offenses possible. Another even more shameful and inexcusable act is to claim the sacrifice of your loved one as your own sacrifice. Again, we did nothing the parents and loved ones of everyone who has ever worn the uniform of our Nation has not done. We are not Abraham on the mountain, because rest assured if we were, our loved ones would be here. To claim their sacrifice as your own is to dishonor the one you claim to honor.

Still, we are not an unforgiving, rigid community that demands adherence to an unwritten set of rules. We realize that most who are called Gold Star had no idea what that term meant before they became one. We understand grief is a singular experience in that everyone goes through it differently. From hard experience, the Gold Star community have become subject matter experts on this topic.

Because of this knowledge, there is an automatic grace granted to the newest members of the club none wanted to join. We remember the insane circus we were thrust into, and how the unrelenting glare of the media’s klieg lights blinded us. So, we tend to respond with tolerance and grace. We know that whatever is being said or done at this point is less a statement of character and more a functional inability to filter the outcry of grief.

This grace period generally lasts about a year, which I call Year Zero. We encourage taking this time before any decisions – including choosing to publicly speak or express an opinion. We also know from hard experience that those who do not take this time in the beginning will be forced to sooner or later, and too often as a result of a catastrophic personal crash and burn.

When this happens because another used the private grief of one of our members, our wrath is unending. Making enemies of those who have lost – and survived – the worst thing a human being can endure is not wise.

Which brings us back to current headlines and the nonsense dribbling out of the mouths of politicians and pundits.

If your proof this president hates the military, veterans, The Fallen or Gold Stars includes any reference to media reports about supposed journalism that quotes anonymous sources, or the intentional and despicable twisting of appropriate words of condolences, shut up. The words military, veteran, The Fallen and Gold Star are tainted for having passed through your mouth.

The facts invalidate your accusation. What’s more, your repeating those smears, half-truths and flat out lies bolsters the opposite position and exposes the weakness and desperation of the side you mistakenly believe you’re elevating.

If you are a member of one of those named groups and you repeat these proven falsehoods, you are an object lesson – just because someone is a …fill in the blank… doesn’t mean they are honorable or worthy of the respect the title would otherwise afford.

If you are a politician and are counting on the ignorance of the voting public, you exemplify everything wrong with our political system. The fact that you court a rise in polls based on public ignorance is the most telling feature of your platform.

Finally, as I have repeatedly said, Gold Stars do not use their honorific title for political purposes. However, I also said, and mean wholeheartedly, that to court the wrath of those who have survived that which would destroy most is not wise. Gold Stars are quiet but our collective voice on this topic would drown out the trumpets of Gabriel.

Category: Guest Post, Reality Check