William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
Nevermind, googled it and see it was Derek talking tough.
@1556 Dennis No I am sorry I never saw a uniform with shorts during my stint. At least not by any Commander I served under. We had the pickle suit for usual duty. For dressier it was the khaki 1505s or the blue 1550s (1550s were long or short sleeve light blue shirt with blue dress trousers, long sleeve with tie, short sleeve with white tee shirt open collar) There was also a winter long sleeve dark blue shirt like the trousers and with a tie. More dress than that was the class A uniform with the dress blouse. I probably wouldn’t have opted for the shorts because they would have fallen into the dressier class. I preferred the good old pickle suit. We could take our shirts off when in the shop working which made them cooler and they had the permanent press, wash and wear you could buy so no heavily starched, stand ’em up in the corner fatigue pants. Hope that helped though it didn’t really answer your question. There are other Air Force types on here and maybe they remember them. Off hand I would say places like Florida or the Canal Zone is where you would have seen shorts.
You know I Googled Darby Queen. No such thing in or around Lenoir or in North Carolina that I can find.
Now the funny thing is if you Google Darby Queen, link after link goes to TAH and the Round Ranger, William Derek Church!
He’s even made into the restaurant search results!!!
Hey Churchie Poo,
I hope you had a wonderful valentines with your fat obese wife.
What did the churches do yesterday?
Did you take her McDonalds?
I hope that for her present you cleaned up that shitty white house with all the inside furniture, outside.
But you probably didn’t, because you are fucking lazy as shit.
With that gut you have, I bet you also have huge problems with penile erectile dysfunction.
You are basically sitting there, unemployed, a failure at everything. Your house looks like a hovel, it looks like a shitpit.
You have failed at everything in your life. Except eating. You have often thought you could out eat the Japanese competitive eater that can eat 20 hotdogs in 60 seconds.
Finally you marry someone younger, and you can finally stop masterbating… because of your 50 inch waist.. your penis stops working.
Here she comes into the bed, fresh from eating chicken wings and wiping her hands on her swollen obese body. She is lathered up in Chicken grease, netter known as “Lenoir Lotion” and begging for Ranger Cock.
And Wee Little Willie is functioning.
Must suck to having nothing working in the household.
Derek- not working
Kiaya – not working..
And now the damn penis is as broken down as the cars parked in front of that hovel you call a house.
Even the penis is unemployed..
With the Churchie Poo Penis not working, I think there might be problems at the Church hovel/shitpit.
Hey Derek, why not get a job?
I mean a REAL JOB.
Not clogging toilets because of the amount of cheese you eat.
I mean really FUCKING WORKING?!
What is keeping you unemployed?
Laziness? The Flaccid Penis? What is it?
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church
William Derek Church
William Derek Church
William Derek Church
The Darby Queen is a nickname for an obstacle course at Ranger School .. I think he was trying to say he could out do us at the Obstacle Course.
I doubt he could even get to Ft Benning, dont think they will take his out of state food stamps for his lunch, oh and he cant get on base anyway..
Can you see him doing this http://youtu.be/ISniSFW0uFo
I doubt he can do the slide at the play ground, too high, too steep, and too many stairs for him to climb.
Spread the word through a few more facebook pages today, with that new pic of him that surfaced with him in the Shirt Sleeved shirt. I posted his “record” that he posted on here,,,,, Hes not getting any love.
I tried to work through his own people to get him to come clean. He is too “proud” ( translation incredibly pigheaded) to admit he was wrong.
Fuck both him and his tag-chasing bovine bride. Sideways,With a frozen catfish.
@ 1561 and 1562, the Darby Queen is a rather large confidence/ obstacle course that is completed during the Ranger Course.
Disreguard post 1570 I see the question had been answered by MSGTRETIRED. Thank you.
My computer often does not show the most recent posts until after I have posted.
I hate being a redundency.
Hey Most Sparkly Chub Toad William Derek Church!
Here’s some lovely reading for you..
http://www.stripes.com/news/people-lying-about-military-service-face-new-peril-1.224154
Enjoy!
@1568 MSGRetired…I see now why I saw references to Rangers when I Googled, Darby Queen. Intermixed with the Derek Church links. Thank you Sergeant for the video too. That is impressive!
Heads up, Y’all:
If anyone is so inclined, He has his own personal postcards, with his very own Wanted Poster embossed on the backside. For the rockbottom low price of 8 Bucks, you can grab an 8 pack of these, ready for you to put an address and a nice message on the front side.
See the postcards here:
http://www.cafepress.com/frankopinions/11086588
Hey, fatboy church, so you want to smoke out some real vets at the Darby Queen? You’re so fat and sorry you probably fall off the StairMaster if you try to use it. So you said a haji put six rounds into you in “Bagdad”? I actually served in Baghdad in 06-07 while you were eating jellydonuts in Lenoir. Fuck you, you fat sack of shit, and turn in that fucked-up uniform of yours…
And oh BTW, while I was serving in Iraq, I had real friends and colleagues there who earned the Purple Heart, including three who died to earn it. You are a posering fuck-off who got you PH through a mail-order catalog. Turn in that fake award and others as well, you fucking slug…
@1575
Combat historian where were you at and who were you with. I was with the 1132nd MP at FOB Rustamiyah. Were you close to there
Every day William Derek Church runs an obstacle course. He runs (haphazardly) through the maze of discarded furniture in his front yard to his car while avoiding eye contact with his neighbors, who all happen to be pointing and laughing at him.
Combat Historian, MPSSG.. I was in Mosul 144th MP Co 06/07…
*facepalm*. Why didn’t I remember this MUCH sooner? One place I used to work for was well known for its preference of hiring ex-convicts for tax breaks. Once I divulged that I was former AD Army one now former coworker there kept asking me “Why didn’t you ‘play crazy’ and get that crazy money when you got out?”, referring to the pension that accompanies a Psych Discharge. He’d brag to me about his Cousin who “Has it going on, he played crazy and gets free money now!”
William Derek Church the roly-poly Round Ranger admitted he was Discharged for psychiatric reasons, and that is a popular scam among freeloaders, maybe he enlisted with the intention of getting a psycho discharge with dollar signs in his eyes?
MPSSG and MSG Retired: I was the MNF-I Command Historian during 06-07. I worked out of MNF-I HQs/CMD GP at Al Faw Palace at Camp Victory. As the MNF-I Command Historian, I provided historical coverage to MNF-I operations at Victory and the IZ and MND-Baghdad. I also served as the MNSTC-I historian, since MNSTC-I did not have its own historian. When working with MNSTC-I, I worked out of Phoenix Base and the Iraqi MoD and MoI in the IZ.
William Derek Church is so fat and lazy his “stairmaster” is actually an escalator. He was the kind of lazy ass that would use a Bicycle pump to blow up his bubble gum.
Hack.stone
That was a hilarious post about the Derek Church Obstacle course. Just getting to his car around a maze of broken down cars and furniture and lamps in shit strewn across his yard must be a workout!
Would anyone like to take up a collection to fix the flaccid Church Penis?
I figure we could start a go fund me account for him. I am sure he is struggling with erections, based on the fact that his abdomen is almost 60 inches around.
Anyways, I figure we would use the proceeds from the go fund me to buy
1. 2 Popsicle sticks
2. a roll of tape.
Ms. Kiaya Louise Church could put 2 Popsicle sticks on the sides of the shaft and use the tape to make a cast, so that ole’ churchie poo has an erect member?
I thin it’s worth it to provide harmony for these 2 lovebirds.
Think about it. It’s an American Love Story.
Girl meets boy
Boy joins military and trains hard.
Girl gets fat.
Girl cheats on boy with “Fake Soldier”
Girl leaves real Soldier for “Fake Obese Wanna Bee”
Girl Marries obese pig in his full “Costume of ROTC Awards and fake medals”
Girl moves into small white hovel with broken down cars and knee high grass.
Girl gets frustrated Churchie Poo Penis is flaccid.
Fashions 2 Popsicle sticks and tape together to please herself.
It’s an awesome love story that will win Picture of the year!
William Derek Church. We are never relenting.
Your father should get some registered mail this week. It’s just a matter of time until the investigative reporters come by! Don’t believe us? See Charles Gregory Banks.
Goodbye you no good bastard.
William Derek Church. You should look closely at this site. See all the other phonies and frauds who came after you. You are even a failure at being a phony.
MSGRetired, I was in Mosul until July of 06. I lived at Al Kindi. 2-1 IN 172nd SBCT.
Hey Fat Boy, yes you WILLIAM DEREK CHURCH, you MEGA CLASS PATHETIC LOSER; read the comments here. See how people who’ve actually “been there,done that”, have a brotherhood? Something you can only dream about.
We aren’t picking on you because you are obese, fat, overweight. Hell, most of us here have “Fat Friends”. But they differ from you in that they are honest, they work, and they don’t steal valor, or another man’s woman. We are only pointing out that you are a fat, lazy, worthless, valor stealing, woman grabbing, usless piece of shit. If you were on the other end of the weight spectrum, we would be calling you a skinny, lazy, worthless, valor stealing, woman grabbing, usless piece of shit.
You have yet to render an apology. You have half assed admitted your guilt, but not an apology.
We. will. not. stop.
A sock puppet posted at http://www.topix.com/forum/city/lenoir-nc/TNGEBD20QNGRBHOG7/p9#lastPost that William Derek Church posted a apology on his Facebook page. That simply isn’t true. Of note though, his wife isn’t listed on his FB page and hers is MIA. Wonder if she finally got sick of his shit and dumped his slovenly ass.
https://www.facebook.com/JAKK.12612?fref=ts
Nope no apology, just the flowers he stole at the cemetery.
@1586 Twist
Thats cool man !! I went to Al Kindi quite a bit. We use to bring the Iraqi Police up there to use the range. We actually used it quite a bit as well. We were Opcon to 2nd ID for about 90 days, then 2/7 1st Cav came in and we were Opcon to them as well. Is it crazy to say I miss that shit !!
Someone emailed me and said that William Derek Church went to the
Blue Moose Coffee Lodge in Lenoir today and clogged up their toilet.
I’m serious.
It was an employee that read about him on Topix.
She said that came in and clogged up the toilet in their bathroom.
So .. he probably needs to add
Blue Moose Coffee Lodge to his apology list.
Church you are despicable.
Quit eating so dammed much that the local toilets can’t process your shit.
So add violating plumbing codes to his list of offenses?
Closing on another milestone. My Spidey senses tell me that William Derek Church will be making his local television debut this week. Congratulations, WDC, you are the Howard Stern of military posers. You rocketed to number one on the Internet, now, it’s on to television.
@1591…….it can now be told Church is a Colossal fossil with a unplugged ossil.
William Derek Church is so fat, recently NASA and the US Geological Survey determined he has his OWN gravitational force.
1600 is up for grabs!
@1591.
Funny.
WDC is a beached whale, and he can’t bail!!
WEC’s ass is SO FAT, he HAS TO BE CAREFUL when he farts, it could cause a shockwave throughout his body!!
*WHOOOOT!* 1600!! William Derek Church the roly-poly Round Ranger will soon have company in his doghouse!
@1590 MSGRetired & @1586 Twist, Commanded MiTT 912 in Baghdad 06, my oldest son was in 4/23rd when you guys got extended and moved down to Bahgdad, My Iraqis supported the 23rd in Adamya district. Crazy to take break and walk down thru an alley during a clearing Op to remind my son to call his mom.
So I sent Wotund Willie and email asking him to turn the ASU’s and Medals in. He said that he and his wife took off all the medals and got rid of both the medals and uniform. I asked for proof but he has yet to provide that. He also stated that he sent a letter of apology to my unit. I’ll check with my rear det commander and see what’s what about that. He’s also said that he’s tired of all the threats and intimidation, however I only recall him and Kaiya being the ones attempting to threaten or intimidate folk…but what do I know. Anyways we’ll see what’s what soon enough. On a lighter note when the investigative reporter does pay him a visit for the Love of God will somebody please email me the link or share it to my facebook. my email is romeo-bravo-romeo-tango-kilo-yankee-sierra at yahoo dot com. thanks all.
When those real Soldiers come to Lenoir for that lunch William Derek Church promised, they better get the royal treatment. WDC may have to dig deep down in his couch cushions if he is expecting to be able to afford to feed them Macaroni AND Cheese.
How come nobody has made the link between William Derek Church and Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon’s Vacation yet? The resemblance and lifestyles are uncanny.
William Derek Church: “I don’t know why the call it Hamburger Helper; it tastes perfectly fine all by itself.”
Hell, he’ll also have to finagle with his local food bank fore some extra ramen noodles, as well as try to con his way into getting an extra five pound block of cheese from the welfare office!!
And he’ll have
fun, fun, fun
till his daddy takes
his t-bone awaaaay!
Come on derick, nobody buys that lame ass crap you keep telling about disposal of your clown suits.
You need to do right by your family and turn those abominations in.
@ 1606. It should have been RGR 4-78 says.
WILLIAM DEREK CHURCH is fast becoming Internationally famous, as well as very well known around Lenoir, Hickory, Fayetteville, Charlotte, and other local communities. In checking IP hits this morning, I have had visits from as nearby as the “Lenoir Memorial Hospital”, and as far away as England, Canada, even Australia, and over 30 of the states here in the US.
The longer you dance around this, the deeper your name will be engraved as the fool that you are.
You have NOT made an apology to the veterans here at This Ain’t Hell whom you and your lyin’ ass wife chose to disparage, nor to me. You have offered no proof that you no longer have the uniforms, medals, badges, patches or other paraphernalia that you have so disgustingly shown.
You have officially made my list of
MEGA CLASS PATHETIC LOSERS.
MY BAD, Frankly O, I thought you’d done that earlier in this thread! Nonetheless, you have made it official that he’s in the same classification as Psul, Phildo,Banks,…
Anyone have an idea of what William Derek Church paid for all of that bling and what is alleged to be a uniform? For someone who has had no income for several years, and by all accounts seems to be surviving through government assistance and money that is supposed to go for his wife’s children, he sure has his priorities out of whack. Yeah, the kids will go to bed hungry tonight, but at least William Derek Church will have the respect of his community. (That last line was facetious in case you sarcasm recognition software is disabled)
I want him to admit he is not a Sniper, Ranger, Combat Soldier.. etc.
To simply apologize is not enough.