William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
Hey you narcissistic fromunda stain William Derek Church…Did you give your cousin the Uniform and UNEARNED Medals back yet?
No? are you wanting more fame? We can make that happen….
Here ya go you fucked up sparklepony…
William Derek Church
William Derek Church
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((Goooooogle-Foolicious))
Welcome to the Dark Side TC, the force is strong in this one. We still need to see the tattoos
William Derek Church makes me look downright skinny.
Hey BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY William Derek Church! What on earth would possess you to be so mind-bogglingly stupid?
Do you even know the significance of that Purple Heart you are besmirching with your fried spam cover gelatinous lips drooling all over it?
No? Do you think its just a pretty sparkly decoration to use for dress up?
Here let me give you a lesson you fat fucking shit ball…
The Purple Heart is a United States military decoration awarded in the name of the President to those wounded or killed, while serving!
NO ONE and I mean absolutely NO ONE wants to be given this medal you frigging DANCING CHUBTOAD William Derek Church…Give it back! Give the whole gawd friggin clown suit back…You are an insult to all who wear the uniform and especially to those that have received this much unwanted medal…
William Derek Church
William Derek Church
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illiam Derek Church
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William Derek Church is his own political district, marked on a map.
((heehee)) I love Chris Kluwe and all you guys here at TAH….you have improved my insulting ability tremendously..lol
The only reason why William Derek Church doesn’t have Ranger tattoo’s is because he is too poor!
Shit derek I looked at your house above! CUT THE GRASS!
Who built your house? Abraham Lincoln?
Get the furniture off the front porch!
You are embarrassing!
Happy Valentines Day by the way!
When William Derek Church goes to all-you-can-eat restaurants, they notify each other by Twitter and close for the night an hour before he gets there.
On the other hand, it takes him an hour to get from his car in the parking lot to the front door, so there is no panic when the words gets out.
RGR 4-78: In your spare time, bop on over to this album of mine. It will remind you of that quaint resort in the Florida Panhandle. Yep, that one with the scenic walk in the woods, where you can wade in the babbling brook. And that boat ride, that beautiful boat ride across Santa Rosa Sound. And those long uninterupted naps of 10 minutes or so.
Aaaaaah, Camp Rudder. Not quite Camp DeRussy, but it was a camp.
https://www.facebook.com/frankie.cee.7/media_set?set=a.2193376389059.2107858.1086639350&type=3
D’you guys know about those KFC coupons that show up in the Sunday papers? So does William Derek Church. The 12-pc meal is a snack. The 16pc meal is his lunch.
There is always a major war at the Church house over who gets to go for the takeout, because when either of them gets home with no chicken the excuse is that ‘they were out’.
When the tunnels on I 40 in NC they tie a rope around him and drag him thru
Tunnels need to be cleaned it should say
@1523 Enigma4you Wish I had a buck for every time I drove those tunnels on I-40.
Church is a meatgazer. Thanks again, Green Thumb.
@1518 Just because people are poor, that doesn’t mean they can’t pick up their yard.
I think I got that from Lewis Grizzard, God rest his soul.
@1525 I loved his stuff, I read all of his book. Shoot Low boys they’re riding shetlan ponnies was great
Just did a Google Maps street level view on the old Church homestead. Love the dead vehicles and rusty tin roof. You’re doing wonders with the place guys. Now I grew up under tin roofs but they were always painted when needed, as well as the house. May have been too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash, but one way or the other, it looked good all the time. My daddy was a real military man and everything had to be in his words, “A-1”. All they need are a couple of old fridges sitting in the yard to use for tool boxes. (That’s an old southern shanty-house favorite I remember well.)
@1516, Ex-PH2, His ass is SO BIG, it has its own Zip Code!!
Willie and Kiaya…
We just wuvvvvvvs you..
Hey, derek the fatboy, how’s your chest doing on this fine Valentine’s evening. With AQI putting six AK rounds into there and Landstuhl having to put a metal plate there, you’re one hardcore warrior. Just don’t let kiayla crawl onto your chest, she may cave in your chest, if not your couch…
I just sent him some Valentine’s day love with this:
” Church:
Hiding under the bed will not make this go away! I told you that I want a reply from you about your reason for the photos, and also that I want you to surrender every damned piece of unearned Ranger paraphernalia that you have. Every. Damned. Piece. Of. Ranger. Paraphernalia. That. You. Have. Take it to either your wife’s inlaws, (I doubt that you have the guts to do that, you obese coward.), or to a Bonified Veteran’s Service Organization such as a VFW or American Legion post. Do it!
Have you read the latest on you at “This Ain’t Hell” Blog? You damned sure should be reading. You wanted fame when you put that uniform on. You got it, but don’t expect any glory. Get off your lazy, permanently unemployed ass and do something.
What are you telling your father and mother about this? You do realize that very soon, they too will be informed of this blog post, the Topix Lenoir, the Craigslist, and the upcoming TV coverage, don’t you?
Get busy.
Frankie Cee”
@1520 Frankly Opinionated, I can’t see the album, I don’t have a facebook account. Maybe someday.
I went back for a visit in 82 it looked a lot different from a non participant point of view.
I don’t seem to remember any babbling brooks, just lots of brown water. Except during prep for Santa Rosa, even in March the salt water is great compared to the swamp.
Hehehehe. But, but, but, RGR 4-78, I am trying to paint a pretty picture, sorta like an Army recruiter. Ooops, I think I threw up in my mouth a little with the recruiter comparison.
I’m guessing he knows we’re not buying the story he “donated” those tents he calls uniforms?
My Valentine’s Day contribution:
@Army ATC, NICE STEAL! I would say “Here’s your lollipop, but I had NO idea of where to send it, and I was hungry, so I ate it for you!!
@Sparks, as Curly woulda said it, “NYYYUKnyuknyuknyuk!!”
Well Church must have fallen, SC and NC just had a 4.6 mag earthquake
@1536.
With Church its a relatively newly dipped and sampled Turd Pop.
Here’s to Church (and Phildo):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gcj34XixuYg
F’in’ Jammin’…..
@1526 – I remember when he and Dave Barry wrote regular newspaper columns, and my local paper carried them both. Two very different humorists, but I loved both of ’em.
@1537, Enigma, that, or he/it farted and there was NO WAY to control the shockwave traveling through his copious amounts of body fat.
@ 1529 … that video was hilarious!
Still have not received those uniforms or any communication. They do have our address, Kiaya’s mom mailed us a Christmas card. So I guess it is just plain hiding.
Oh, and dont knock the old rusted truck in their yard from the Google Earth picture. Dont you know, he will build that one from the ground up too!!!!!
Posting #s here is a no go. If someone wants to play dumb and prank call the douche let them find the nuber by themselves, Telephone harassment, as well as constant e-mail spamming or threatening snail mail is frowned on, no matter how much of a shitbag this guy is. A publicforum like this and topix isnt, as its free speech ABOUT him, not TO a place where he has a reasonable right of privacy.
I think Church was trying to do something by letting himself getting so obese and not staying in shape,,, I never saw a servicemember go on light duty or a professonial Athlete go on the disabled list for “pulled fat”.
Anyone from the Lenoir mafia have a video of his wedding ceremony? I would like to see when his battle buddy, Will Chamberlain, proposed the toast in his role as best man. William Derek Church would have excused himself, probably by saying he had to drop a deuce (which should have given him a 45 minute alibi), rush out behind the dumpster and change into his Will Chamberlain disguise, then return to the reception and give his best man speech. Just like Peter Brady did when he had a date with the hot chick from school and the niece of his Dads boss on the same night. In both cases, hilarity ensued.
Anyone on this blog that says William Derek Church is out of shape is a damned liar. For your information, round happens to be a shape.
@1543, J. O.D., another stunt freeloading slugs like him/it pull is to achieve a body weight of 350 pounds or more, which qualifies them for SSI Disability payments.
Hack, I don’t think I ever referred to him/it as “out of shape”, but I’m certain that I’ve labeled him as a sniveling, slovenly, disgustingly corpulent waste of flesh and oxygen!!
hey now you guys.. Rotundo Warrior is indeed in shape…Round is a shape…heehe
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Ooooh Gooooogle snap! lol
How about Y’all sending this lowlife, william derek church, an e-mail expressing your thoughts on his still claiming Ranger, as in the header to his gmail correspondence. And please, if you do, please mention me, Frankie Cee, so that he can see that I will not relent.
His e-mail address is: wdchurch76@gmail.com
And the header to his e-mail is as shown here:
from: Ranger wdchurch76@gmail.com
reply-to: Ranger
to: Frankie Cee
date: Fri, Feb 14, 2014 at 7:03 PM
subject: RE: This is not going away!
mailed-by: gmail.com
signed-by: gmail.com
AND FROM HIS MESSAGE YOU CAN SEE THAT HE IS CONTINUING THE CHARADE:
“No thanks. I’m done with this. Stop your harassment. “
Thanks, People. Your participation is appreciated.
http://www.ncdhhs.gov/dss/faq/faq_ind.htm
I’m not saying anything specific, I’m just sayin…
Just did my morning drop on Lenoir Topix. Heartwarming to see the local participation, so fatass can’t pretend it’s not happening. I still demand a 1 seed for William, or the brackets are rigged!!!
Whoever seeds the tourney needs to make sure they bring up William Derek Church ‘s “service record” he posted and the threats he made to bury people under the Darby Queen.
@1552.
Or do you mean the “Dairy Queen?”
Left some love over on Topix..
Here’s some more..
William Derek Church
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@1542 Jackie
@1507 Sparks
Do you remember (I think it was called) Air Force uniform combination 5? It was 1505’s cut off at the knees, knee socks, low quarter shoes, and flight cap. It was legal to wear based upon the base commander’s approval up to 1976.
William Derek Church aka Waddlin’ Willy, the Round Ranger, or just fatass POS. How was your Valentines Day? Did you and your cow have fun at the local Golden Corral?
Army ATC, William Derek Church and his blushing bride decided to take a well deserved excursion to relieve the stress of his bestest buddy in the, Will Chamberlain, dying in a skydiving accident. So, they pooled their EBT cards and signed up for an adventure with The Stunning Agency.
http://tsagency.info/site/mobile?url=http%3A%2F%2Ftsagency.info%2FAbout_TSA.html#2577
Yes, they are back. I really enjoyed the description of the staff being trained in marital arts.
Hack: the URL seems to have vanished into the ozone.
What the hell is a Darby Queen?
LMAO!
LOL I was thinking the same thing. What is a Darby Queen…