William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
Okay, so I had to look up what “dap” is or was. After looking online, I kind of remember it from that silly movie “I’m Gonna Git Ya Sucka!”
Church, William Derek
DOB 30 Oct 1976
Burke County, NC
YOU KNOW you’ve been eating MRE’s when your turd hits the bottom of a slit trench or a “Poop Coop” with a solid *THUD!*!
I ETS’ed AD in the early 90’s when the “Omelet with Ham” MRE would cause fist fights, the loser had to eat it or go hungry!!
#1500 is a comin’, HEEERE, CHIK, CHIK, CHIK!!!…
*Meat cleaver raised in strike position…*
Corned Beef Rash reminded me of the pink-colored Alpo dog food we sometimes fed to our black lab. I would have eaten my dogs dry kibble over some of those early 1990s MREs.
@1464.
And that smell from the MRE’s.
Phew!
Beef Franks!
@1467 Green Thumb,
We were flying in a C130 for a training exercise and the pilots were performing some plane maneuvers something called “map of the earth,” please correct me if I am off on that term. So, the aircraft is flopping and bopping right over the tree-tops and some of us are getting a little nauseated from the pilots’ maverick flying. Our platoon RTO starts loosing it and reaches for the first baggie he can find and it happens to be one of those MRE heater bags! Holy fucking shitbird in the sky! He barfs chunks into that bag and the moisture from his vomit activates the heating elements inside the bag – he is cooking his own vomit!!! The smell and the nausea from all the up & down movement causes a chain reaction of vomiting and massive wreching.
The pilots, I don’t think they knew the gravity of the situation, were doing their high-fives with each other when someone threw-up!
Now, that was one smell I want to forget!
@ 1469 Brownwolf…
Being an aerial porter, C-130s already smelled like vomit. (Cause they’re all so old)
Nothing like piling on.
That is some funny shit right there that is….
Oh and BW…I believe the term is Nap-of-the-earth (abbreviated NOE) ….” is a type of very low-altitude flight course used by military aircraft to avoid enemy detection and attack in a high-threat environment.”
I must have been hungry this morning when I started all this culinary dispatch.
I found all of the C-rats edible if you had time for a heat tab, and a little tabasco, but then again I was always hungry.
My favorite was the LRRP rations, they were freeze dried and quite tasty, and were much lighter in your ruck, just didn’t get them as often as the c-rats.
The other nice thing about the LRRP’s was if you were restricted to 1 meal a day you could take a handful dry and eat it and drink lots of water to stave off hunger and make your ration last longer.
I guess for me it was all about hunger, even the light green powered eggs and soggy bacon served as a hot meal in the field out of the mermite (sp) cans was wonderful if it had been a while since you had ate.
Mess hall chow was great. The only time in my life I ever ate liver and liked it was after a long bus ride (from lostinthewods)and arrival at Benning about 0200 hrs. But, once again I was really hungry.
BREAK
“derick the dumpster” you lieing, fat, bowl of quivering lard, turn in the clown suits to your wife’s cousin in law and your life will instantly start to get better, I promise.
@1470 ChipNASA,
Thanks for the info on NOE (nap-of-the-earth). I guess us Army Infantry guys are somewhat deaf to certain words/phrases.
I faintly remember the sweet sickly smell of the jet fuel when traveling by military plane.
Thanks again for that info, I promise that I’ll try to remember NOE not MOE.
Here’s some VD love for Pigalicious the Rotund Warrior and his Hippomatatomousy wifey poo…
William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church Fat Jokes William Derek Church William Derek Church William Derek Church
“”I must have been hungry this morning when I started all this culinary dispatch.””
My bad, it was post 1409 and Sparks that started the discourse about green eggs and ham.
Thank you Sparks, fond memories,,,,,now, not so much then.
BREAK
“derick the dumpster we are waiting, be a man for once in your life and do right by your family.
@1472. BW…The only “MOE” around here is little Billy Derek “No Dick” Church and his orchestra.
I worked C-130s, C-141s (My favs), C-5s (puke), C-17s, KC-10s, KC-135s, L-1011s, C-9 medivacs, C-21 Lears, Air Force 1 & 2 (with only with the active duty guys as escorts) and lots of the C-40 Boeings for State and the Congress critters.
I’ve seen just about everything cargo wise you can imagine.
Seeing as how were the guys to load the aircraft, we could put on just about anything we wanted.
No shit story…We had been specifically tasked by the pentagon to support a huge JCS deployment exercise as the first Reserve unit to do it solo for 6 weeks. We broke up our unit into 3 teams to do our two week annual tour between El Paso (Biggs Army Airfield) and Roswell International Air Center.
Since we had such a lovely time in the American Southwest, one of the guys in my squadron went to a local shop and purchased a lovely saguaro cactus to bring back for his yard in the DC area.
The sight of a 6 foot cactus palletized in the back of our C-141 with many cargo straps on its arms and body holding it steady is one of my best…”NO really some dumbass really did that” stories….
@1475 ChipNASA,
Yeah, someone by the name of William Derek Church needs to trip on his fat and land face first into the saguaro cactus.
Wow, you helped me think of a fat joke, finally!
William Derek Church is so fat that he trips on his own fat! (Google Hit)
William Derek Church is so fat that his fat has it’s OWN fat.
Fat Squared? No Fat ROUND!!
This William Derek Church thread is almost catching up to the Daniel Bernath thread! Off by about ~120 posts.
Who is with Team Church and who is with Team Bernath?
The Bernath thread will explode once the NavyTimes link pops up.
William Derek Church is so fat that they coined the nickname “Big Army” because of his fatness.
Okay I had to step away for a moment so lots to respond to.
@1455 SJ I wasn’t Airborne but did civilian skydive in my younger days. That young PFC’s “DAP” should have cost him a stripe and stockade time, just for the at risk factors. He got off light I’d say.
@1458 Brownwolf LMAO at Kareem of Wheat!
@1465 Proud Infidel…the race is on!
@1470 ChipNasa Every C-130 Herc I ever rode on smelled that way.
@1471 RGR 4-78 I think dentists invented the “John Wayne Cookie” just to keep them in business. They could be real tooth chippers if they got any dryer than they already came out of the package. Had to work up a lot of spit or take a swig from the canteen and hold it in my cheek BEFORE putting in mouth.
By the way guys…Willian Derek Church makes the “Fat Bastard” from the Austin Powers movies look SMALL and SLIM!
You Guys should send this to the local Armories, and the FD
National Guard: Contact
1535 Beecher Anderson Rd
Lenoir, NC 28645
(828) 758-8260
National Guard Contact
411 Kirksey Dr
Morganton, NC 28655
(828) 437-0746
National Guard Contact
1251 8th St NE
Hickory, NC
(828) 328-2377
Gamewell Fire Dept Contact
2806 Morganton Blvd SW,
Lenoir, NC 28645
(828) 758-2581
And here:
Hartland Baptist Church
3730 Hartland Rd,
Morganton, NC 28655
(828) 437-8940
@ Sparks
Thanks again, I had forgotten about the JWBars, if you had canned peaches, you could bust up the JWB and mix it in for a sugar overload when wet and cold.
BREAK
Be a man and think of your childrens wellfare before your own derick, really being a Father instead of playing “make believe dad” is very rewarding, I promise, I have been a member of the Faithful Father frat for many years.
@1469 I have flown NOE many many times, and thank God we did not have MRE Heater bags back then… I can just picture it in my mind.
Now had Waddlin Wilie the Wotund Wanger ever actually passed Infantry, and gone to Airborne School, I am guessing they would had to heavy drop his fat ass out like they do HUMVEEs and other heavy equipment. I remember a fuel bladder that was heavy dropped burning in on one jump, damn thing exploded… I kind of imagine that would be Willie, as the chute fails and he just burns on in and turns into a big ole ball of liquid exploding out over the DZ turning it into one big HAZMAT zone.
Or call the prick….
http://www.whitepages.com/name/William-D-Church/Lenoir-NC/3rvd9cs
William D Church Age: 35-39
Phone numbers
828-754-2797
828-758-9745
Address
3367 Playmore Beach Rd
Lenoir, NC 28645-8507
@1474 RGR 4-78 “It’s trlue, it’s trlue”, as my grandfather would say in his Scottish brogue.
Proud…I am watching…and waiting…
re: WDC phone numbers
Charlie, that personal info may not be a good idea. We’re walking a fine line here.
Have flown NOE many times in Huheys and Blackhawks at Campbell. Blackhawks were GREAT — taking negative-G’s, our rucks would “float” up; and once, while taking a negative-G side-slip (or whatever it’s called), my platoon sergeant began falling out of the door — but I grabbed his LBE and prevented his loss. (YES! it can happen.) He went off status the next day.
His falling out would not have happened in a Huhey because the centrifugal force keeps you welded to the A/C’s floor.
Anyway, loved those NOEs … especially night flights.
–ghp
@1482 Charlie, while I feel ya on this, I think I have to agree with OldSoldier54. Personal phone calls to anyone not involved back in Lenoir, takes it to a whole other kind of ugly. I am afraid it would put TAH on the wrong side of this issue. So far we have held the line in just telling the truth and the truth has been more than enough for Church to deal with. If calls are made, well, let’s just say I think it would put us in a bad light and perhaps open a can of worms we couldn’t easily close. Not without costing Jonn in Admin and legal a lot of headaches. I think Church himself has given us tons more than we ever needed to deal with him.
Charlie, this is just my one and only humble opinion. I can’t tell anyone else what to do or not. I do thank you for your input and desire to make Church do right by what he has done. Thanks for standing with us Charlie.
Testing…am I on the air?
I’ll try that again…testing, testing 1, 2, 3, testing. Over.
My browser refresh is running slowly. Not sure if I am getting through.
@1475 Chip. Fatass Church wouldn’t be “MOE”. That boy’s so grossly fat he would need a new designation, “MOM,” Minute of Mile.
Way in the late 70’s I and another soldier were tasked with setting up and maintaining a Tac NDB during REFORGER. Not wanting to eat cold C’s, I showed him a little trick taught me by a crusty old MSG. Poked a hole in the top of the can, place it in the middle of the empty C rat box, and light all 4 corners of the box. Once it’s burned down, you have a nice warm can of pork patties, beans n weenies, or whatever. I didn’t pay much attention to what the young PFC was doing until I started hearing some ominous pops. He had forgotten to ventilate the top of the can and it was ready to explode. I kicked it into the woods where it exploded, raining bean and weenie shrapnel all over the German forest.
William Derek Church, you fatass neverwas, turn in your clown suits and all other military related stuff you have and didn’t earn. Admit your lies.
Anyone out there copy?
Yep, still here.
William Derek Church (Google hit!!)
Yes, William Derek Church, it has gone on far too long. Hide out or not, the time is coming when you will have to face the music and pay the piper. It will not be fun for you and the wife but then again, that is exactly how YOU have chosen the outcome to be. Sad, truly sad when it could have gone away so very long ago. All by your choice.
William Derek Church
I am just sad about this.
William Derek Church sucks balls.
But now I’m Happy!!!!!!!! 1500
William Derek is a fat fuck.
William Derek Church wears a clown suit.
Dadgumit!!! Thank you ArmyATC. I was robbed I tell ya, I was robbed! :D4
neaner, neaner, neaner!!!!!
Woohoo!!!! 1500 on the fat fuck Church hit parade!!!
@1505 ArmyATC well played!
By the way, back in the day I had a set of Air Force uniforms called “1505’s”. What a coincidence. The things I remember sometimes that I hadn’t thought of in DECADES.
Sparks,I could not agree more.
This guy is a tool, we know it, he knows it, his parents, wife and kids know it. At this point half the state of NC knows it.
We have been exercising our Freedom of Speech. What we have not done is taken away his freedom of choice. If he come here or to any of the other sites or replies in anyway it was by his choice. Now I know for a fact he has my personal Email as well as phone number, he is free to call me or contact me, if he does I will reply.
This guy is scared out of his wits. He has been outed and humiliated. I think if the whole truth ever comes out the uniform is long gone. He wants to move on and forget about this. The problem is is he is let off the hook he will only wait then do this crap again. It osculates. Time after time we see someone who gets caught lays low for awhile then is back bigger and worse than before.
AJ Dicken is a great example. He started small and learned from him mistakes. Leatherby, that guy has been pulling this crap for years and hurting good guys doing it, he gets a slap on the wrist and moves on.
If that address is correct, Street View shows it to be a dump.
Well post whoring not included this has to be one of the biggest threads ever.
Old soldier 54 everything I posted is public info. Easily found on the inter webs.
Whitepages.com for Addy.
Family search.com for his DOB.
Google for local guard units, and FD.
I’m 1,438 miles from Lenoir…. but just a click away from Intel.