William Derek Church; the Round Ranger

I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;

I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.

And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.

Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
Thank goodness, three posts on a row! I am FREE I tell you, I am FREE!!! Watch your women and kids now folks. He’s OUT!!!
He’s so fat he fell over and broke his leg and gravy came out.
@1403: Enigma, thank you…I do indeed bow to the random inevitability of this fine Universe…
Sparks @1388
“an RC Cola and a Moon Pie”.
I was born at Ft. Benning and my family line is from Columbus Georgia. My ggrandfather — a pharmacist — was approached by John Pemberton (Coca Cola), but did not go into business with because he disagreed with putting cocaine in drinks. Anyway, growing up at Benning and Bragg … “RC Cola and Moonpie” was a treat to consume on the front stoop.
Ahhhhh …. fond memories. Royal Crown Cola!
–ghp
@1415 ghp95134 I was raised in the mountains of North Carolina. I loved those RC Colas and Moon Pies. Plus Black Cow Suckers, like a Big Daddy but made with molasses instead of caramel. Bigger for five cents too.
Per my post in 1408 the thread was shifted so it looks like Enigma4you scammed my 1400, not E-6 type, 1 ea. Sorry E-6.
Turd Burner Church is so FAT his wife needs a piece of chalk to hug him.
The Turd Burner is so FAT that he has a picture of his Dick on a Milk carton.
derek church is so FAT that when the Hooter Girls saw the “RANGER” on his t-shirt, they thought it meant he was a free-ranging porker…
The only reason William Derek Church would donate blood is for the free donuts.
He is so fat the Chinese are planning to land a remote rover on him to see if they can find intelligent life
OK … LISTEN UP!
No more fat jokes about William Derek Church!
It is time for some fun with Kiaya Louise Church.
Here is a 6 minute bit well worth your time.
This is what Church Doesn’t Understand. http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/feb/13/what-storm-sentries-tomb-unknown-soldier-still-sta/
HE could never understand
@1411. Posey, the last time Superfatass went to the beach, Greenpissers dragged him SO FAR out in the water he got harpooned by a boatload of Japanese tourists!
@Sparks, meh, I was asleep getting ready for yet another night shift!
Dang. I hadn’t thought of the guards at the Tomb. It must be brutal right now.
Thanks for the link and the reminder, Enigma.
Wish I could be there for the “Parade.” Take pics and video if you can.
DAMN! I wanted 1400, but 1500 will be mine! Ohh yes, it’s gonna happen!
William Derek Church sucks so bad, he makes a black hole look like an amateur!
William Derek Church sucks so bad, I’m going to send his wanted poster via certified mail to his parents first thing in the morning! Ohh wait, that’s not a joke, that’s true…
So did you read that article about the Old Guard, fatboy? These are real men and women of Honor, of which you are most definitel NOT!!!
@1424 Enigma4you Thank you for the reminder and video of the Tomb and the honorable soldiers who stand guard…no matter what.
Ok guys
http://hickory.craigslist.org/rnr/4332636237.html
Help keeping this going would be great
@1430 Enigma4you…way to go my man. Love the Craigslist touch!
When I look at Turd Boy Church I think of burned rubber and Vasoline.
Enigma4you put a free counter on the ad so we see how many view the poster
Posted it in Fayetville
http://fayetteville.craigslist.org/rnr/4332728770.html
You should post your craigslist ad in the men looking for men section!~
Or maybe “Steamroller for hire – William Derek Church”
Hey Enigma
Interested in
making a facebook group like someone did with Jay Kerwin?
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Veterans-Against-Jay-Kerwin-Of-Bootcamp-La/199380340269568
I dont do facebook. Someone else feel free to do that page
So, what is his latest excuse for not turning over the uniforms? He claimed that he dropped them off at a surplus store. Not sure why, unless he would like for some other morbidly obese poser to use them.
@1435, AM, great idea, where do we start?
Well Its Valentines day and Just to let you know you cesspool of DNA that has the name of William Derek Church I am in a foul mood.
You see I spoke with my son last night. Since the Navy announced it yesterday I can say something more. He deploys tomorrow with HSM 70 on the Philippine Sea (CG-58. We have been playing Phone Tag all week. Unlike your poser ass he was working 18 Plus hour days so he and 7000 other fine young men and women can leave their home and loves one to go out in harms way to protect your freedoms. We did a Conference call with my Friend Colleen, Her son is in Afghanistan, for the second time. He really did get the Purple Heart. You know the one like you pretend to have.
How fucking dare you? Now your are all butt hurt and hiding. I bet you are saying they keep picking on me. Well you fat fuck you are the one that started this when you put on the Uniform that you HAVE NO RIGHT TO WEAR. You are not even worthy to cast your gaze on anyone that wears the uniform of any nation.
So just to make sure you know, I am personally going to do everything I can legally to make sure you are exposed for the coward you are. I am going to make sure that you never again dishonor our service men and women.
I told my son last night when we talked that the Job that he and every other person in uniform is more important than any other job anyone in this nation has, and that is the truth. What you dont get that by there very existence they keep us free. Our freedoms set the standard that the rest of the world craves.
Happy Valentines day.
“”He’s so fat he eats his Spam, cold, outa the can, with a spoon so he doesn’t miss any of the gelatinous goo at the bottom. “”
Reminds me of the old C-rat pork slices when I had to eat them cold, nasty, nasty, nasty.
william derek church, AKA willy the one eyed wonder worm, if you are reading this turn in your clown suits you dumpter sized miscreant.
Dear Churchie Poo,
Today is a day for lovers. What are you and Kiaya planning today?
What can one obese, unemployed, liar give another?
I hope the last three months have been wedded bliss and you 2 lovebirds make a lovenest on a bed full of Cheetos and pork rinds.
Like one huge bed full of gelatinous fat.
Maybe she can reminisce about the wonderful time she had at your wedding, where you wore a costume. You could have wore the costume of a clown or a magician, but instead you decided to wear you “Ranger Costume”.
While you are riding around gamewell to the Darby Queen in your Camaro with the T-Tops, with your obese bride next to you showing enormous amounts of camel toe in whatever she is wearing, notice the people around you. They are laughing!
You have been exposed! You are now known as “the Round Ranger’ “The Lenoir Liar” and “the Fat Jobless Poser”.
Eat our asses.
I hope you silly gooses have a fun day~!
Well, it’s obvious that William Derek Church wore that uniform and military decorations to gain some attention. Congratulations, mission accomplished. You can bitch and moan how all of this unwanted attention is affecting your family, but remember, you were the one the one that chose to wear the uniform; you were the one that came here threatening people; you were the one that provided that lame ass timeline; and you were the one that said he turned the uniform over to a surplus store, but offered no proof. Your family must be very proud of you, since you have managed to accomplish so little in your lifetime. I would say that you made your bed, you lie in it, but from what has been reported via the Lenoir grapevine, housekeeping isn’t in the vocabulary of Mr. & Mrs. William Derek Church.
OK so I was looking again at the piss ant dough boi, The medal in the middle, Did we ever ID it? I think its a Texas Guard Ass. Medal
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a6/Former_Texas_State_Guard_Association_Medal.svg
TO ALL OF YOU wishing William Derek Church the roly-poly Round Ranger and his corpulent Dependopottamus Missus a Happy Valentine’s Day, LET ME JOIN YOU in doing so myself!! I am ABSOLUTELY certain that “El Globbo” has gone ALL over town spending just enough Food Stamps at every corner store he could in order to get the 99 cents of change at each transaction so he can treat his Bride RIGHT, getting her a $2.50 bottle of Ripple Blanc to supplement the FINEST box of flavored wine he could find as well, along with their FAVORITE Hors D’ouerves, Potted Meat Food Product on saltine crackers that were ON SALE at their nearest Dollar Store!!
Hey William Derek Church the roly-poly Round Ranger, I think I have a prospective job for you and your… whatever that allegedly female critter is, it’s not really *GASP!* work, and it involves Carnival Life! You and your cow can lease yourselves out on the carnie circuit and be a freakshow exhibit, I can see it now,… “LADIIIIES AND GENTLEMEN, COME SEE THE SPECTACLE YOURSELF, WILLIAM DEREK AND KAILYA CHURCH, THE HUMAN AMOEBAE!!! Admission to walk through the exhibit and see them is $5, pay at the door, please! *PSST!* Go away, kid, you bother me!”.
Yes, that is the correct plural spelling, one Amoeba, two or more are Amoebae, like cactus and cacti,… NO, I DID NOT include that for the TAH crowd, I just ASSume that Lardo is still lurking, and I wonder if either he or his pet Dependopottamus even made it to the fifth grade before they dropped out of school to start freeloading!!
Anyway, Mr.(?) Church, I will tell you right now, your lying, sniveling corpulence, that I might have already applied for the trademark and copyright to the title I mentioned, so FORGET about stealing the idea!! OH, and I WILL charge a Royalty for using my (possibly)Copyrighted exhibit name!!
If anyone knows William Derek Church’s Ex-wife, have her show up here and dish dirt on him.
Let’s just totally embarrass this jackass!
@1440 RGR 4-78 I was partial to the “Ham and Motherfuckers’ myself. Being from the south. I could always trade something for another can of those, so I ate pretty good, enough anyway.
Good times, good times.
@1439 Enigma4you. Just know brother, that your son and all his ship’s complement are in my prayers for God’s blessings of safety under way, peace, safe travel and coming home healthy. Thank your son for serving from an old veteran.
Sparks,
This humorous tidbit is for you. On my very first morning breakfast at the Fort Benning replacement, right before Infantry OSUT, we brand spanking new recruits were getting our morning chow. I was so sleepy eyed that when I was ordering my stuff and I looked at some whitish gooey stuff and told the cook “I’ll take some of that there ‘mash potato.” All the line cooks stopped serving breakfast and stared at me and one of the lead cooks said something to the nature of “Boy, you ain’t from around here – are you?” The cooks laughed as well as some of the other new recruits. I took my grits and moved on. By the way, my mom never made grits – growing up, we just ate the buttered corn straight off the cob.
@1440 RGR 4-78 – Roger on the charlie rat pork slices (cold) – gnarly. Can’t understand the complaints I have read about MRE’s. They seem like gourmet cuisine compared to cold charlie rats.
@1448 Brownwolf I am laughing with you brother! I love grits, they were a stick to the ribs, hot breakfast my momma sent us off to school with many a morning.
My story, I was hungry as heel this particular day and when I hit the mess hall I smelled something great! So I get to the line and I see southern style, beef steak slices in gravy. I asked for a double helping but no go. Anyway I sit down get my tray all arranged in proper military order and dig in! What though to my surprise…it was…LIVER!!! I hate liver with a purple passion. Never could stand the stuff. The chef has not been born that could cook liver in ANY way I would eat. I could not get that mealy nasty liver taste out of my mouth until the next meal. I washed it down with coffee, milk, water, everything I could find to no avail.
Almost as funny as the mid 70’s when the Air Force was all about “Race Relations” and all that crap. The mess hall decided to have a “soul food” day. Now I have eaten chitlins growing up and prepared properly, cleaned, cut in short pieces, boiled to soften then DEEP fried with a lot of batter they are okay. Especially since when we slaughtered hogs nothing got away except the “squeel” and we would have eaten that if we could have. But not one of my favorites. The mess hall had chitlins laying in the hot serving pan, BOILED, ONLY, they looked like well, pig guts laying there. I just shook my head. Not even the soul brothers doing the dap all the time would eat em.
Any of you other guys remember the days when all the soul brothers were doing the “dap” all the time? You know those five minute fist, wrist arm bump thingies which they swore ALL had a super secret meaning that only a “brother” could understand. It was a black thang, they said.
@1449 OldSoldier 54 I am with you there. I never had the new MREs but from what I hear about them they have more to offer than the old C-Rats or MCIs as they were labeled on the boxes though we still called them Charlie Rats. The problem I had was the common complaint of most all guys…cold C-Rats were hard to get down sometimes.
@1448: Brownwolf, since I grew up in Hawaii, I had no idea what grits were. When I was at Fort Benning OSUT eating morning chow at the mess hall, I just assumed the grits were cream of wheat and went straight for the eggs and SOS…
BTW, “Happy Valentine’s Day” to our lazy fat fuck phony poser and his fat homewrecker of a wife in Lenoir, NC; yeah, you know who you are…
The c-rat entree I really really hated: eggs and ham; totally disgusting…
Sparks,
The thing I miss the most from the Army were the biscuits & gravy and omelletes (with ham, cheese, and veggies) almost every other morning. My wife has those gluten allergies were she is allergic to anything with wheat in it or on it, which means I can’t eat a lot of stuff around her unless I’m an ass and eat something covered in wheat when she is not around. MRE horror stories – I probably have the thread killer!
Sparks: re Dapping. C130 on final to a Bragg DZ. Red Light on. Standing-up. BN CO in the door checking for DZ smoke. PFC Snuffy behind the CO turned around to dap with his buddy. Once dap finished, he started turning back to the rear…did not place hand over reserve D-Handle. Left D-Handle attached to buddies equipment. Pilot chute pops and enters slip stream. PFC Snuffy leaves the aircraft at about 150MPH bouncing off BN CO…who is bruised and pissed. PFC Snuffy had a LOT of Extra-Duty in the months that followed. All for a Dap.
I’ll go with cold C-rat pork slices for $1000, Alex – even Tabasco couldn’t make ’em edible.
I think everyone like what changes better than what they first had…. I thought MREs were a hell of a step up from Cs, and my Dad swore Cs were ‘way better than Ks. Rumor had it when they were introducing MREs when I was in that they actually taste-tested MREs and picked the winners instead of just picking the low bids.
@1454 Brownwolf My favorite was Midnight Chow. 2 eggs over easy, bacon, sausage links, hashbrowns and on another plate SOS. I was young and lean then and could eat anything. I would go back through the line for seconds and THIRDS. Since it was Midnight Chow, not many people and they gave you all you wanted. Good times, good times!
By the way William Derek Church, since you were not in long enough to have enjoyed “military field cuisine” you would have loved it. Looking at your fat ass now I KNOW you have never missed a meal. That goes for your big, fat wifey too.
Here’s a health and weight loss tip. If you guys would cut back to only, just say…a couple of pork roasts a day, you could lop off 70, 80 pounds in no time.
@1453 Combat Historian,
Here is a joke – okay, I am not trying to be offensive – if it is offensive the mods can just delete this entry.
So, one day Buckwheat from The Little Rascals (Our Gang) converts to Islam – What does he change his name to?
Answer: Kareem of Wheat. You probably need to enunciate it out loud to get it.
Sparks,
I miss those sausage links with eggs! I guess we’re going to have breakfast for dinner tonight. Already getting hungry for stuff – I haven’t had in ages….
@Sparks #1450: Any of you other guys remember the days when all the soul brothers were doing the “dap” all the time?
“Rap n’ Dap” … yah, I remember that silly stuff.
Re:grits … Well, I was born at Ft. Benning and raised there, Ft. Bragg, Ft. Polk, etc. …. had them for breakfast way before I ever hit basic.
–ghp
@1458: he he he he