William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
Gamewell? That’s where my soon to be father-in-law lives. And, ahem, he’s a retired USAF Master Sergeant! He doesn’t do internet so I’ll have to use snail mail.
So they’re guilty of welfare fraud. No one is surprised. As has been mentioned by many people here, SV is just a symptom of something more criminal. I never could understand the mindset of fat, lazy thieves like WIlliam Derek Church.
I wonder if William Derek Church went to the Food Stamp Office with this Ranger Shirt on
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201762186671513&set=a.1919664866442.2096649.1086639350&type=1&theater
Representing Rangers in Gamewell!
I wonder of Church is thinking that the slow down in posts about him this afternoon means that the storm has passed?
@1360 MPSSG – Remember Brother, like Valor Thieves, not all who claim the Name of Christ are legit. One may usually discern the truth by their words and conduct.
And I would like to add my thanks for forwarding this to TAH. This crap needs to stop.
I’m long time lurker (2 plus years) and this is my first time posting. I’ve never really had anything intelligent to add but I have to tell you about my conversation with my dad.
Guys like this makes me sick. I told my dad about him and he told me about a friend of his who, as he put it, was a “guest” of the Vietnam government. And then he told me he was also a “guest” of the Korean Government. I couldn’t believe it. I told him to look him up on http://www.pownetwork.org/h1.htm and, shockingly, couldn’t find him. He won’t give me his name, I think because he knows I’ll send it to you guys.
Wasn’t there a pilot who was shot down and captured by the Germans? Then shot down in the Pacific and captured by the Japanese?
My two cents (finally).
@1365, they are posting in the other thread about the disgustingly obese Derek and Kiaya Church
http://valorguardians.com/blog/?p=39765
So.. plenty of press for the valor thief!
It’s OK, Michael. We can probably trust your Dad’s gut on whether anything more need be done on that one. You might want to consider advising him to talk with his friend about how difficult it can be on families when obituaries are shown to be incorrect, though.
But that is your call.
Dear Churchie Poo,
Valentines is coming up and I was wondering how the blissful 3 month old marriage to the miss piggy esque Kiaya Louise Beheler Church?
Was it the fairy tale that both of you imagined?
Was it stress free wedded bliss?
Those wedding memories of you in your costume, I am sure she holds dear.
So what may you get the misses for valentines?
I have a few ideas:
1. Drop about 100 pounds and lose the huge gut and double chin.
2. Come clean and admit you a liar and all around piece shit. Turn over the costumes.
I wish you 2 lovebirds a blissful time and hope that your valentines is an awesome time.
Maybe take your wife down to the “Darby Queen” and get her something to make her fatter. While you are there, look at the wanted posters of the “Lenoir Liar” on the walls.
Enjoy yourself!
Was thinking that the perfect gift, suitable for ANY occasion, would be to get a job! But then, what would he do? Maybe rent himself out as a steam roller?
Steam Roller!
HAHAHAHA
William Derek Church is so fat and I have told so many fat jokes … Every useful joke has been used.
William Derek “Blobosaurus” Church the roly-poly Round Ranger and his Missus, Kiayla, “The Dependapottamus”, ENJOY YOUR FAME, you’ve earned every bit of it, and I’m sure there’s MORE TO COME! Hey fatso, in that pic of you in the green shirt, where did you steal that cord on your left shoulder from, a JROTC or some kid’s HS Marching Band uniform?
Yall have grossed me out forever on listening to the Steamroller Blues by James Taylor.
I hope that SNAP hammers their ass. Greedy assholes. Sounds like a case of welfare fraud. From what I hear the kids pretty much have to fend for themselves as far as getting things to eat around the household. She looks like the type to park her ass on the couch shoveling twinkies down her craw and tell the kid to make themselves a peanut butter sandwich if they say tey are hungry.
If anything positive comes out of this it will be the kids go back to their dad or to another relative.
I also heard Church has ALWAYS been a pig-headed fuck.
I’m not saying anyone should lay a hand on him, but if he took a selfie with a claymore I wouldn’t lose any sleep.
The newlyweds have already made plans for Valentine’s Day:
http://www.cnsnews.com/mrctv-blog/dan-joseph/have-you-made-your-valentines-day-reservations-mcdonalds-yet
You stay classy, William Derek Church.
Dear Churchie Poo,
Someone the Thisain’thell thread suggested a way for your unemployed obese self to make a few dollars for your honey on Valentines day.
We suggest you rent yourself out as a steam roller!
The thought of you Rolling around Gamewell/Lenoir in your full ROTC garb as a freelance Steamroller, crushing everything in sight is amazing!
It’s like one of those Japanese Godzilla movies!
Please remove the Purple Heart before yous start your roll!
This could be a new career and a great way to enhance your natural talent of being mordiby obese.
I know the last month of your marriage has been wedded bliss.
I wish you 2 lovebirds nothing but the best on Valentines day.
http://valorguardians.com/blog/?attachment_id=39766
So apparently in the above picture, posters are saying that William Derek Church has mixed JROTC awards and Army awards on the same uniform, so that he looks like some sort of Audie Murphy.
Whatever kid Church stole those JROTC awards from must be pissed off.
Imagine coming in after school, someone has pryed their way into your window, smelled all your dirty underware, ate 6 sticks of butter, sexually assualted your family pet, then opened your closet and took the JROTC awards off of your neatly pressed high school uniform. The kid must be pissed.
William Derek Church “The Lenoir Liar” “The Round Ranger” “The Human Steam Roller”
Leaves a wake of grease and valor theft whereever he goes.
Army Medic, you on a roll now!
@1375: That song’s pretty appropriate, though, don’t you think?
William Derek Church: “A Hefty Hunk of Steamin’ Junk”
It’s looking like he may have even bought some of those commemorative medals from Medals of America. They all look real purdy you know, and it’s an easy way to double, or even triple your collection of shiny things to impress women with.
William Derek Church is soooooo fat he wears Levis 1002’s….
IT’S ONLY A RUMOR, thus I can offer NO proof AS TO whether it’s truth or a lie, but here it is:
(BS NEWS NETWORK) A Husband and Wife living near Lenoir, NC returned from a night out together to discover that their house had been burglarized and ransacked. Some of the clues AS TO who the perpetrator(s) were:
1)NO JUNK FOOD whatsoever was left in the house.
2)Drinking straws were found in the toilet bowl
3)Their housecat was sexually molested and possibly pregnant!
4)ANYTHING even closely resembling US Military Awards and Decorations was missing from the house, including a shoulder cord from their Son’s Junior High School Marching band uniform!!
Remember, IT’S ONLY A RUMOR, but any idea who the “perp” could be if it was a true story? >:-D
He is so fat that when he jumped for joy after awarding himself a medal for eating a bigmac in record time with out also biting his finger he got stuck
Proud Infidel,
That is the news. There were also 4 sticks of butter missing.
Church did not steal the uniform of the JROTC student, because it wasn’t XXXXXXL like he wears.
Also, he sniffed all of ther dirty underwear. The Churches were enraged because the family didn’t have their normal staple of food, which is Kraft Macroni and cheese, Mountain Dew, Pizza Rolls and Marshmallows.
He is SOOOO fat, he puts mayonaise on his asprin…
@1384 Proud my man! You’re rockin’ it today!
By the way Army Medical, being from down south and I hate to admit that this ass hole is from my dearly, beloved home star of North Carolina, the going diet for folks like them is “an RC Cola and a Moon Pie”. All….Day…..Long!!!
By the way Proud Infidel, since Master Chief accused me of being a “post whore” You know, I mean you know…I’m gonna beat ya to the 1400 stop!
Working
On
It
Right
Now!
In 5
4
He is so fat that his mug shot will need to be done from the space station
Dang, Sparks, you’re determined to get that 1400, aren’t you?
BTW, fatboy church needs to stay away from those Hooter Girls. Once those young ladies find out that fatboy is a fake, they will no doubt kick the living shit out of our favorite rotund rotisserie boy…
He is so fat that when he and his wife have sex it reads on the richter scale
snipe 1400 who
1400!
Sparks, you okay, buddy? You disappeared after 1396…
Wow comment 1402 at time stamp 1402 to CH I bow to your use of the randomness of the universe. You are the master.
It seems that Churchs go to when in a corner had been to threaten people with his “Army Buddies” I am trying to pull some documentation on this
He is sooo fat that when he was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave him ten years to live.
He is so fat that he was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed him for the New World.
He is so fat that his cereal bowl came with a lifeguard
He is so fat that his belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
I was trying to hit 1400. I mean I REALLY wanted it. But, I think blog software limits the number of posts to a thread from one IP address to a set number over a given period of time. That is what I think.
But there will be other threads and other days….as long as Proud Infidel isn’t watching too closely!
Even though the valor of 1400 was “stolen” from me by my own brother, E-6 type, 1 ea. 
It is to keep dickweed, “post whores”, as Master Chief calls me, from sandbagging the thread.
I gotta stop anyway and watch the “Walking Dead” and “Justified” episodes I missed.
He’s so fat he eats his Spam, cold, outa the can, with a spoon so he doesn’t miss any of the gelatinous goo at the bottom.
I’m not great at fat jokes.
He is so fat he has to iron his clothes in the driveway….
He is so fat the last time he went to the beach, Greenpeace tried to drag him back into the water….