William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
So, there it is, front and center on the TV screen, the Purple Heart, accompanied by appropriate background music. Fade to stills of combat and then a few of our wounded, some in hospital, others not. Voice says, “These are a few of the men who received the Purple Heart.” (Stop music and simultaneously and slowly zoom out from the Purple Heart on Church’s chest.) Overvoice says, “And one who did not–but wears it anyway–and that’s got some Veterans and families of Purple Heart recipients fuming. Meet William Derek Church…”
Anyway, that’s what I’d like to see on the local news.
Maybe Church will go out for another jump this weekend. I am hoping for a HALI (High Altitude Low Impact). I hear that there is an Honorary CPO with a pilots license that can take him up.
Drudge Report has a link to a story with the headline “Pentagon To Launch Blimps In US”. Does this mean that William Derek Church is being recalled to active duty?
can’t wait to see what happens to obese Private First Class Church
@960 Hack – I believe the proper acronym is HAGI (High Altitude Ground Impact). 😀
We’ll have confirmation that he performed the jump by the Richter Scale readings that his impact will generate. I predict something in the 6.0 to 7.0 range.
Hack.Stone, Marine_7002: I believe the preferred term is HANO – “High Altitude No Opening”. (smile)
There might be a cargo parachute or two that would carry his weight but…
HAHI – High Altitude Halarious Impact
MCPO: MOAI – “Mother Of All Impacts”
We could always go nuevo …
HAFP – High Altitude Flattened Pig
ASS – Accelaration Stops Suddenly JUMP
ELHDNF – Extra Large Harness Does Not Fit Jump
Did he get thrown out of the TPTHOA yet?
Or perhaps TPTHRA.
Poor Willie the Wanker.
His Rotundity is in for some serious Shame, but combine stupidity and stubbornness and, gasoline, meet fire.
@973.
“Rotunidity”.
I love it!
Always down for original thought, words and comments.
@964 Hondo, It should be LANO, Low Altitude No Opening. Because no poor aircraft should have to haul that fatass to a higher altitude than is necessary to throw this worthless clown out. Just think of the fuel savings alone. And no community should have to suffer from the off the Richter scale earthquake that would ensue from dropping that porcine turd from altitude.
SHIT…Splat High Impacting Target
NHSparky, I’m sure he’s FULL of Special High Intensity Training, and he’s told us so!! Any more word from that fatassed disgrace to humanity lately? This bloated porcine turd and Daniel A. Bernath THE FAKE CPO need to be touted as an example of how the People of TAH are NOT to be messed with!!
He has sock puppets posting on the local news Topix site. Closing in on 300 posts now. The locals have been chiming in with further info. He is now the Laughing Stock of Lenoir!
http://www.topix.com/forum/city/lenoir-nc/TB2PJRL4TODJE8GLG/p14
ArmyATC: all true. But the folks above were referring to a high-altitude exit, so I thought I’d stay in context.
Anything above about 1000′ AGL should work quite well. That should allow him to reach at least 90% of terminal velocity for an individual in free-fall in air, or roughly 110 MPH – more, if he’s in other than a maximum-drag (flat, face-down or flat, face-up) position.
Church you are like a pesky pecker gnat that annoys my dog in the summer time. Come clean asshole…….
I can’t believe he is known as a bully in his parts. Who would seriously be afraid of this obese Private First Class / Non combat serving turd?
@ 981 – Me too. Size be damned. That’s why God gave us equalizers. Fighting fair is for the ring, or Hollywood movies.
When William Derek Church said that he was shot six times in the chest while in “Bagdad”, he meant Bagdad CA, not Baghdad Iraq. It must have something to do with a meth deal gone bad.
And, closing in on 1000 comments.
I just left William Derek Church some love at the Lenoir Topix site. I was comment 284 this time. See it all here, and Puleeze leave the man some love. It seems that we are all he has; well except for a lie supporting wife, and his own industrial sized bag of fabrications.
http://www.topix.com/forum/city/lenoir-nc/TB2PJRL4TODJE8GLG
I guess I must be dense because I keep asking myself the same question:
What woman would marry that?
Maybe a made-to-order bride?
William Derek Church.
YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT! YOU WANNA BE FUCKING RETARD!
Remove those pics from Facebook and make an apology for being a non-combat Soldier and wearing that Purple Heart.
Come clean or we will ruin you.
}
We are never!,… EVER going away!
I left Cupcake my morning love on the Topix Site. Post 291 over there lists what he needs to do, but as of yet nothing. I expect Channel 3 to be looking in to Fat Ass to get his War Heroic story hehehe What a LIAR and COWARD not to mention a FAT FUCK !
I think Willie is mad at me, Sock Pupets are posting on Topix. Of course he is the Number 1 hit on Google right now and lets keep it that way. Public Ridicule is the best medicine for these Ass Hats !!
Heads up, Y’all. As we go looking for ways to reach this Rotundimonious Bastard, we may stumble across someone similarly named. I just found one, located in Washington State, and want y’all to know that this is just an innocent person afflicted with having the same first name as Waddlin’ Willie’s middle name. This Derek Church has a facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/derek.church.56 ;
I looked him over and consider him to be 100% the innocent bystander. End of message.
FranklyO, I just left a nugget on the topix thread, I hope it elicits another sockpuppet hit, I’d enjoy giving him a slapdown or three myself! AS TO William Derek Church the Round Ranger,if he’s as real as he claims to be, then he needs to “diddly-bop” on down to Ft. Benning, GA to attend an Annual Ranger Rendezvous wearing that laughable excuse of a uniform, and see how long he remains pain-free while doing so!!
*LURK* – 1
*LURK* – 2
*Lurk*-3
Sorry Proud Infidel, just kidding…it’s all yours.
Hey Frankly O – I left a good one on the topix thread, I hope it triggers a sockpuppet hit, I would enjoy giving a slapdown to that lard-‘tard!
*LURK – 4!!
*LURK* – 5
A
*LURK* – 6
Little
*LURK* – 7
HA! GOT IT!!!
You da man Proud Infidel!
Hey, I CAN do something right every now and then, can’t I?
Absolutely Proud! Keep up the good cause.
Late “LURK”
*NYAAAAAHAHAHAHA!* I got the #1000, ans William Derek Church the Round ranger is getting more famous by the minute, I just left him a suggestion on the Topix thread AS TO where and when he could wear that comedic excuse of a uniform if he’s as real as he/it claims to be, the fat, lyin’ bucket of pig snot!
As to, as to, to wit, to wit.
The Round ranger says …
“As to the allegations, the alligators will never prove anything.
To wit and regarding the uniform, they ain’t my pants!
For more pacifics regarding this issue, see my pubic retaliations representative.”