The Epic Tale of Philip “Rear Admiral Fantasy” Larimer II

The Epic Tale of Philip “Rear Admiral Fantasy” Larimer II

Or… How to Sink Your Own Ship Without Ever Serving

The fine, upstanding folks at MilitaryPhony sent us their work on this Philip Dexter Larimer II fella.

Meet Philip Dexter Larimer II, a 48-year-old Kansas man who apparently watched one too many Navy movies and thought, “You know what? I could totally be Tom Cruise, but with MORE imaginary medals!”

The Claims Hall of Fame

Our hero Philip decided to go absolutely bonkers with his military fantasy résumé:

Military Edition:

• Rear Admiral (because why settle for Lieutenant when you can skip straight to the executive suite?)
• 30 years of active duty (impressive commitment to a job he never had)
• JSOC, DEVGRU, NAVSPECWAR Groups ONE and TWO (collecting special ops units like Pokémon cards)
• Four Purple Hearts (apparently got hurt A LOT in his imagination)
• Congressional Medal of Honor (might as well throw in the kitchen sink)
• POW status (prisoner of his own wild fantasies)

Academic Edition:

• MIT Nuclear Science Professor (because regular lying isn’t enough – let’s add NUCLEAR lying)
• Director of multiple fancy-sounding departments at MIT

The Investigation: When Reality Crashes the Party

The fun-loving folks at Military Phonies decided to fact-check Philip’s naval adventure novel, and oh boy, did they find some plot holes:

• BUD/S Training Database & SEAL Team Records: “Philip who? Never heard of him.”
• National Personnel Center Records: “We’ve got nothing. This man is a military ghost!”

• Department of the Navy (DoN): “We found two things: 1) Jack and 2) Squat.”

• DoD Manpower Data Center: “We’ve got nothing from 1992 to 2018. Nothing, I tell ya!”

The DD-214 Comedy Hour

Philip apparently provided his own DD-214 (military discharge papers), which listed an “Achievement Medal with Four Purple Hearts.” That’s like saying you won an Oscar with Four Emmys attached – it’s not how awards work, my dude!

The USAA Insurance Debacle

In a legal dispute over an insurance claim, USAA wrote Mr. Larimer a letter indicating several issues related to his eligibility, as well as the DD-214 that he provided, allegedly the same one supplied above. USAA only serves people connected with the military and their relatives.

Although they started the letter with “Dear Admiral Larimer”…

Recent Plot Twist: The Law Gets Involved

SOURCE: https://kansas.arrests.org/Arrests/Philip_Larimer_64375446/

Just to add some spice to this already delicious story, Philip got arrested in May 2025 for:

• Reckless stalking
• Violating a protection order

Because apparently, when you’re done pretending to be a war hero, the next logical step is… allegedly bothering people in real life.

The Bottom Line

Philip Larimer II: A man so dedicated to fiction, he turned his entire life into a military thriller novel – except he forgot to actually join the military first. It’s like claiming to be a professional chef while never having set foot in a kitchen, or better yet, claiming to be a submarine captain while being afraid of bathtubs.

Pro Tip from Philip’s Adventure: If you’re going to fabricate a military career, maybe don’t claim EVERYTHING. Pick a lane, my guy. You can’t be a SEAL, an Admiral, a POW, AND a nuclear scientist. That’s not impressive – that’s just poor editing.

The End (Or is it? Stay tuned for Philip’s next adventure: “How I Became an Astronaut Without Leaving Kansas”)