William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
@656 – You mean like this one?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lul-Y8vSr0I
*Doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind!*
@659: During the afternoon thread re: Cody X-Box Commando, Hondo recommended the “song” you just linked, although I would throw in Shat’s version of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” for good measure…
Free Willy
The last time William Church sand a melody, I can only imagine that he had a 10 inch microphone in his hand.
sang
Just a little recap ;
1. Failure in the Army National Guard ( Still waiting on the PAO Response )
2. Failure as a Husband 1st time ( Divorce )
3. Failure as a Youth Prison Guard ( I guess the kids were too tough for him )
4. Failure as an EMT / Paramedic No License info Both National & State. Probably couldnt pass a National Registry Test.
5. Failure as a Man, unemployed last 5 years or so.
6. Working on Failure 2 as a Husband Now that his wife knows how full of shit he is..
I’ll stop here for now as I know I can add to the list, but I’ll cut him some slack.. Maybe should cut the waste band on his pants to give him even more slack.
Church–your ass is so fucking fat, when you walk across the room, the radio skips.
The SIRIUS-XM radio, that is.
@664.
“Failure as a Youth Prison Guard”.
Or he was touching them.
Hondo with those Limericks, you should have been a Navy Chief.
William Derek Church is so fat, when he goes to the beach, people try to push him back in the water.
William Derek Church is so fat, when he gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
William Derek Church is so fat, he can’t tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle.
William Derek Church is so fat his bathtub has stretch marks.
William Derek Church is so fat, he has double chins all the way down to his stomach.
William Derek Church is so fat, he doesn’t get on a see-saw, he gets on a catapult.
William Derek Church is so fat, I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side.
William Derek Church is so fat, when he’s ready for sex, he looks like a butterball turkey with the pop-up timer sticking out.
William Derek Church is so fat, he can pinch an inch on his forehead.
http://www.just-one-liners.com/category/appearance/fat
William Derek Church is so ugly, he could make an onion cry.
William Derek Church so fat, if he walks in corduroy pants he’d catch his thighs on fire.
Hey I think Fat Fucks Facebook is back up …
https://www.facebook.com/Ssgtsniper?fref=ts
William Derek Church is SO STUPID, he once Rode the #5 bus twice to make up for missing the #10, and he blamed the people of TAH because he didn’t get where he needed to go!
Church and his bride are white trash, plain and simple.
@671
Yep
And he is still rockin the “spec ops” pics and “retired military” status
Combat Historian@656, don’t go disparaging William Shatner. He did a duet with Joe Jackson on an album about three years back.
I came across that album in a used CD store, and purchased it just for the Joe Jackson song. I told the clerk that I was just buying it for the JJ tune. He said “We don’t judge here.” True story.
I was going to post a link to his picture with the 82nd Hat and E-6 pin on, but one of the kids are in the picture and they have nothing to do with his being a Douche Nozzle. How ever Big Foot Lives!
Under employment he lists Caldwell EMS probably should post a link to this on there page so they can see what a Great X Employee they have !
William Church is so fat, he has live handles on his neck.
That line was a Hack Stone original first used back in 1991 to describe neighbor’s wife in 29 Palms.
He has love handles on his neck. Damn this phone!
@#671: If it is at that link, he has already blocked me. I cannot open it.
Hint: When one is not “friended” with a page holder, he cannot leave comments. BUT; if one chooses to “share” a picture from that person’s page/album, he can make comments on it, that get back to the page holder. That is how I have been able to have chat sessions with both of the tubs.
Just sayin’
@660 – Shat describes William Shatner’s “singing” perfectly!
@674: This fucker is determined to rock his lies, I’ll give him that…
@675: I won’t judge either 🙂
Since its 2142hrs I’ll assume Matt kept his word. I hope you didn’t pay too much for just that one song, Hack. lol.
Still rocking the lies… pathological lying asshole.
Republished his facebook and his sockpuppet schizo “Will Chamberlain” account where he talks to himself.
They’re so White Trash, they think “Deliverance” is a love song.
Is that a POW pin the Round Ranger is wearing in this picture?
Plus, what kind of turd wears pin on rank on his ball cap?
Story. Not song. Stupid beer…
@685 – Don’t go blaming innocent beer, it’s not the beer’s fault that William Derek Church (Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing) enraged you so much that you typed in the wrong word!
Man, William Derek Church (Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing) is so ugly, when he was born, the doctor slapped his mom!
@682 – you bet. Emails were sent, plus I included the SSDI folks too, just in case. I think I’m going to forward said email to the EMS and LLE folks in his hometown, just because I’m a giant dick with short-man’s syndrome.
Looks like Church’s wife is moving up in the world bagging a retired SSG… It appears her ex is Retired Specialist Christopher Lee Beheler,991st Transportation Company, Salisbury, NC. Fourth paragraph down on the orbit.
http://theonefeather.com/2013/03/tony-earl-taylor-obituary/
I just sent this link to everyone on his friend’s list on toolbook. 🙂
Fatboy is hanging out here: https://www.facebook.com/Ssgtsniper
He still doesn’t know how to “spell” staff sergeant. And now he’s a “sniper”, too. Seriously? Well, he wasn’t an E-6 or a sniper. POS poser.
@598 No apology from the Fat Ssgtsniper as of 2055 Pacific.
Good Lord, here he is talking to himself as Will Chamberlain!
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=374815485934848&set=a.139973472752385.35810.100002192006064&type=3&theater
Pathetic motherfucker
On the Topix forum his wife’s ex-father-in-law (Rick) said he fessed up to her that he was a bullshitter. Wonder how well that’s going over. He’s got some gnarly pictures of himself on the facebook page with him sporting SSG chevrons and the 82nd patch on a ball cap. Unfortunately he’s holding a kid so I don’t want to put that one up.
@693
I just read this – un fucking believable! And plus – if will chamberlain is a fictional character he made up… Why has will friends? Who befriends someone that does not exist, besides the 90% club sluts in his list, there seem to be genuine people. Crazy town!!
I found this on his FB:
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[img
–Guy
Oops … wrong tags
–ghp
This stuffed dumpling is having a sock puppet conversation with himself about certing as a HALO jumper??
You could pallet drop this tub of krispy kreme byproduct with a dozen cargo ‘chutes, and he would still burn in like a meteor…they would feel the impact on every continent on the globe.
Where would this land beluga even find a harness to fit his corpulent girth??
I don’t think even the Budweiser Clydesdale Horse team has anything that could wrap around his “Jabba the Hut” physique without the benefit of multiple ratchet straps and numerous warning signs posted 300 meters out in the event of a catastrophic failure….the fragmentation could take out small vehicles and unprotected bystanders.
I go away for a day and this thing explodes like Paul Wickre after a Taco Time dinner.
What, if I might ask while skimming 700 posts, brought this on?
@700—I’m not really sure. But have you checked out the Cody Stermer thread lately? Now that one’s interesting 😉
So he came clean to the queen, I wonder how she feels about that, especially with what she has posted here. Now he needs to apologize to the rest of the world especially the Veterans.
@696: Well, he hasn’t come on here and come clean, yet. The lying pile of monkey nuts needs to do so RFN.
Flagwaver: the dumbass came here and attempted to defend his bogus claims. So allegedly did his wifey (though that may also have been him as a sockpuppet).
Poking the leopard with a broomstick usually doesn’t usually work out that well when one does so after walking into the leopard’s cage. (smile)
His wife confronted him about it and he came clean to her she left him last night her ex has the kids and yes his Facebook is back up and running.
Damn, no Army retirement check for her to sponge off of; Kiaya must be pissed…
He is still sporting the retired military status on his face book .. He needs to loose the SsgtSniper tag in his Link, not sure how he will do that. He is still a sack of smashed assholes though.. He needs to post a Public apology, not only here but on his Facebook page as well!
I am sure his wife is devastated, and I cant blame her for trying to initially defend him, a post from her would go along way here.