William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
This video is posted in honor of the one and only William Derek Church:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
Let’s just say this is a special gift from me to you.
Your name will always be associated to this video!
Carry on!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_CS5v5K46E
William Derek Church
598 just won the internet.
Oh … no … I have been flagged for moderation!
No, Chief, you had a bunch of links in your comment that triggered one of my spam finders.
Master Chief,
You should be FLOGGED for posting that brain damaging video link.
#590: I am an EMT in NYS, but not on a national list. Not all EMTs/Paramedics are on the National List. You may want to check his STATE records. He Has to be at least on that list (if this is one of the truths you may find, but I doubt it)
I know Jonn … I am just keeping up my image “that they are always picking on the Irish.”
Chip … here to serve!
@607. Good stuff but how’s the veal there?
@ MPCO
Re: video. I started to lose my lunch and had to turn it off at 45 secs. Please don’t… oops there went the lunch!
MCPO, I just spewed coffee out my nose! Thank you very much !
I sent an e-mail to the PAO for the NC Army Guard, I’ll post any replies I get here ! Sent it from my AKO account so they should respond.
Here it is again, *NEW AND IMPROVED!!*
A musical tribute to William Derek Church,THE ROUND RANGER!
To the tune of “The Green Berets”:
On his head,
a flat Beret,
his uniform
in disarray
to doughnuts,
he’s a danger,
he’s who we call
THE ROUND RANGER!
Everywhere,
he spouts his lie,
he gets squished
just like a fly,
He really thinks
he’s a danger,
but he’s just
THE ROUND RANGER!
Feeding from
the public trough,
until he chokes,
then he’ll cough,
he really thinks
he’s a danger,
he’s only
THE ROUND RANGER!
He really claims
his past is sealed,
His story
has been peeled,
He pretends
he’s a danger,
He’s who we call
THE ROUND RANGER!!
He needs to wear a striped outfit so people can tell if he’s walking or rolling down the street! His scars are NOT from battle, they’re from his last trip to the beach. Once there, some Greenpeace hippies hauled him so far out in the water, he got harpooned!
In the spirit of “Yo Momma so fat” jokes
Yo Willie Church so fat
The Drill Sergeant told him to haul ass and he had to make two trips…
William Derek Church is so fat…
It looks like he swallowed a giant beach ball!! AHAHAH….Wait, that’s true..
William Derek Church is so fat, the National Association for the Advancement of Fat People (NAAFP) denied his application for membership because … HE IS TOO FAT!
William Derek Church is so fat, he got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.
William Derek Church is so fat, not even Dora can explore him
William Derek Church is so fat, Mount Everest tried to climb him.
William Derek Church is so fat, black holes fear him.
Yo..Willie of the Long Pants so fat
His neck looks like a package of hot dogs
William Derek Church is so fat, when he visited a local liposuctionist for treatment, he was turned away because they did not have two 500 gallon sludge containers on hand.
More gross than funny … But you get the point.
And, one from back in my day:
He is so fat that the wrinkles on his neck make him screw his steel pot on.
(Actual claim we made on one of our older squad leaders, “S/Sgt Thread Head Fred Battles”, ’60s era, when the E-6 was written as S/SSG, not of the era when The Round Mound of Poundcakes would have used it.
William Derek Church is so fat, while scarfing down an all you can eat sea food platter dinner (with free soda refills) at Red Lobster, a local fisherman accidently harpooned him citing, “Aye, me’s thinks I had the trophy I have dreamnt of all of me life, laddy.”
@608
Y.
G.
B.
S.
M.
!!!!!
Words fail me.
@612 Chip: Not only flogged, but keelhauled around the fleet. Chief, getting yourself pulled over all those damn barnacles is gonna HURT.
@ Marine … Here to serve.
And your right, I thought twice for about a second on that video. It was perfect. Because quite frankly it can be used either for him or the wife.
We do need to come up with his tournament name.
So far (that I remember) I’ve heard:
William Longpants
(Obviously) The Round Ranger
The Sharpei
My suggestions:
William “The Donut Destroyer” Church
Moby Church
Porker 6
@628 Can’t disagree with that, I have to admit.
My brain cells that store those images are still in shock. They may never recover.
@608 Um, Master Chief, I just clicked on that video and I am now terribly afraid. Afraid I will see that guy in real life or worse…in my dreams tonight! Eye and mind bleach applied and now I will puncture my eardrums for sureties sake!
“Waddlin’ Willie Longpants” kinda says it all.
@632 I’m good with that OWB.
I like Moby Church (sub-titled: Bag of Dicks) … That is where I was at with Red Lobster reference.
WAIT: Moby Bag of Dicks!
@634 Master Chief, we can’t call him a grunt, we can’t call him a jarhead, we can’t call him a flyboy, so what’s left…what’s the name…what do we call those guys, you know… the ones on boats, they’re…um, um, um, I forget now! 😀
Really and truly just kidding around with you Master Chief, honestly! 😀 😀 😀 Please no harm, no blood, no foul.
@635 Dammit, Sparks, don’t poke the (nautical) bear. Or he’ll inflict another video on us.
Okay, apologies all around to my Navy brothers and sisters. 😀 The last thing I want or need is Master Chief or Ex-PH2 on my ass.
Apparently some at home call him “Waddlin Willie”… I think a little modification is in order..
Waddlin Willie the Wotund Wanger (say it like Elmer Fudd)
@636 Roger that!
A “Ranger” friend of mine just hit it head on with:
He is a lister bag with legs.
Yo Willie Church so fat that when the Drill Sergeant told him to do 10 chin-ups, Church said, “You don’t mean each chin–that’s all together, right?”
_______________________________________________________
The Church Lament
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
I can’t see my dick at all;
And when it’s time for me to piss,
I gotta sit on down or else I’ll miss.
@641 When he does sit down he has to use his namesake, an “ass gasket”. Defined by Webster’s, the Sparks’ Edition, as the paper toilet seat covers you find in public restrooms.
Or as the dispensers around here get graffitied, “Free Mexican Shirts” or “Free Cowboy Hats”. 😀 😀
(I posted something similar on another thread when I remembered the term from decades ago and made myself laugh all over again.)
I don’t know any fat jokes but here is my contribution to the ongoing humor, as of late. Tar and feather me later.
Chuck Norris is so strong that he can rub two ice cubes together and start a fire. TADA!
Is she really still defending him?
Please Ms. Church have you ever met the guys your husband says he served with in combat? If not how come? Why wouldn’t someone who’s life he supposedly saved come to his wedding? Lemme guess your man said his buddies were deployed didn’t he?
I am sorry to break it to you but its because they don’t exist. He’s made up multiple facebutt profiles with the sole purpose of deceiving you and everyone else. He carries on conversations with himself of shit sake. That is sick behavior. Please look at the situation from the outside and run as fast as you can from this guy.
**for shit sake
Welp, looks like I gots some emails to write.
Why? Because fuck you William Derek Church. That’s why.
William Church’s favorite war film is Pork Chop Hill.
William Church practices safe snacks; He always uses a condiment.
While going through training, William Church was not on the Weight Control Program. He was on the Weight Out Of Control Program.
BTW all you Dickweeds,
This compilations of satirical retorts (I like the Mirror Limerick) is enough to cause this guy and his beast of a wife to regret what they have done …
Nah!
Carry on!
He strikes me as the type of poofer that sucks meaty Johnsons for beer money but does not even drink.
Know what I mean?
When I told William Derek Church (Gooooooogle Hit) that it was chilly outside, he went and got a spoon!
MSGRetired wanted me to post this as a warning to Mr. Church;
“Be Afraid Willie be very Afraid”
No shit, William Derek Church (Ding, another Gooooooogle hit) is so fat, he sweats gravy!
A Limerick Quad for Round Ranger and Wifey
There once was an ass from Lenior
Who had trouble with every door
His ass was so wide
Even when he did ride
That it always dragged on every floor.
His wifey was nearly as big
And she squealed just as much as a pig
While defending her mate
From our well-deserved hate
For her hubby’s valor-stealing gig.
The two of them though they were grand
And on mountains of lies they did stand
Truly foul lies and screed
But at least they can’t breed
‘Cause he can’t find his d**k with both hands!
Now to these two we say our goodbyes
While we tell all we know of their lies
Their reputations now sh!t
They can just live with it
And we leave them all covered in flies.
I’m going to date myself here and betray my “hood” roots, but the hell with it. Here goes nothing…..
William Derek Church is so fat, he uses a VCR for a beeper!
Bing, another Gooooooogle hit (see what I did there) 😉
Thanks Jonn
Gee ” Nations most Military Friendly State ” But then again I already knew that from the 5 years I spent at Ft Bragg.
To really screw with them, we need to get William Shatner to serenade them with his “music” every day and night until they cry Uncle…
Dedicated to the Church’s…….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdwuiyO7hOU&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I think I’ll just leave this here. 😉
*Lights fuse and runs away with his fingers in his ears*