William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
@503, Yes Tank,
Actually Senior Master Sergeant. (E-8)
Aerial Port.
Box kicker, Label Licker, Pallet pusher and Passenger herder.
/No I was NOT a farking LOADMASTER!!! 🙂
Hondo,
I can hear them now, “We shoulda left those brownies alone.”
Tank Boy,
Woohoo!! Do I get a prize?
ATC, I think unanimous acclaim will declare you get the first vote in the next tourney.
Chip, been herded by Air Force guys and gals plenty of times! We Marines herd well!
@ #507: Thus was my experience – Marines herd much easier than Army troopers. With Marines, telling them where to go, sometimes spelling the words for them, was all that was needed. With the Army, we had to speak slowly, spell the words AND draw pictures for them.
Tank Boy,
Works for me. My vote will be for this utter waste of humanity, the Round Ranger.
OWB: isn’t 63+ years a bit long to hold a grudge over being told it was time to move out of the Army’s house? (smile)
ATC- I’m with you. I don’t see anyone else coming along and topping this guy.
Naw, Hondo. I will always be in the Army’s house. It’s what my family has done for many generations. (However, I only have documentation on that back to the War of the Roses.)
Funny, though. I ended up, with family approval, going USAF, while an uncle became staff at the USAF Academy after his Army career. We aren’t quite sure what happened to my cousin who became a Marine!
OWB: knew there was something I liked about you, lady – even if you did end up wearing those funny-looking upside down stripes.
By the way: my late father did too. (smile)
Tank Boy,
I was a long time lurker here. I can’t remember anyone outted here who reached the level of asshattery that this douchebag has.
Let me amend that last post. I can’t remember anyone in recent memory. There have been some real characters outted here.
@476: I did get a field promotion from E-3 to E-4. I was in the field when the orders came through and the Task Force Commander decided to pin it on me, after messing with me a little bit, first.
So, yeah, it could happen……………….not to him, but it could happen to someone that is actually in the military.
@485 2/17 Air Cav: I apologize for the personal soap opera, I have known this family for a great many years and I am getting way to personal. Please accept my apology.
Thanks, Hondo! Cuz and I discovered that sometimes having family spread out across the services comes in handy. Mostly, I was able to use his position to accentuate mine, but still, it worked out well for the Marines, too. Especially very early one morning when a hysterical mother called me because she had just gotten a call from her Marine son, who she did not yet know officially had been injured in the sandbox. Yep, the informal comm system worked well and I was able to assure her of some details within a few hours.
btw, it was wonderful to be at the airport when he stepped off the airplane coming home after they finally got him patched up.
On a completely other note:
I’m mostly on my Ipad or phone here and it is making me crazy to scroll 500+ comments down to read the newest funny shit on this blog. (Not to mention the monkeyboy phildo thread where my phone could not even load the 1000+ comments without crashing)
Does anyone know a shortcut or is there any way to install a “jump to bottom” button on TAH. Keep in mind for mobile devices – i kinda know how to operate a desktop pc.
Thanks and keep on slapping our ranger pinata here
@517, OldTrooper, I actually got TWO field promotions. I got my skeeter wings pinned on when I was in the dust bowl at NTC, and I got my sham shield pinned on while out in the field as well.
@#518 Mommaluv: You are not getting “too Personal” here, ma’am. Anyway that we can expose this poser, any poser is good to go with us. Seldom do we find that military fakery is their only bad trait. It could be defined as a genuine community service, and we thank you for your input. Please keep it coming. And yes, I am taking it upon myself to “speak for everyone”, and those that don’t agree will make themselves known. We appreciate having someone a bit closer to the fire than most of us are.
And “Happy New Year” to you, Ma’am.
@518: Ma’am, that is certainly understandable, as you appear to have been witness to a lot of the hurt and crap that has emanated from this malignant crazy couple, and you wanted to inform the folks here about it. Thank you also for understanding 2/17 Air Cav’s perspective and the need to keep this matter primarily about military stolen valor and fraud, especially since this is a military-oriented blog. God Bless you and yours…
@518. There is no need to apologize to me. I understand well how this stuff goes. Others are of a different mind regarding the information you shared and they are as entitled to their view as I am of mine. This isn’t my website. I’m just a commenter, too. No hard feelings.
@496 yes, @522 and @523 Thank You for understanding as well, and with this post my identity will probably be revealed, I have kept my mouth shut for many years about his so called service, much more to keep his ex from having to deal with the aftermath of crap he would bestow upon her, but here is another reason that it is so personal to me…My spouse is retired US Army, with multiple tours to Iraq and Afghanistan, so yes it does really get personal for me.. Derek this is for you: Finally, how dare you ever disgrace the many men and women whom have served faithfully, some giving their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan in defense of our Nation. As an Army Corp Volunteer, I have spent hours consoling spouses and families whom lost loved ones overseas, or working with them as they support their soldier whom came home honestly wounded and struggled to put the pieces of their lives back together. I have worked with many military families whom just struggled day in and day out with the pressures of back to back deployments and the pressures of a military lifestyle. I have talked with soldiers of whom had to do the unthinkable, make decisions that they would never have normally made for the safety of their team, to look the enemy in the eye and know that it was them or me, and having to take that persons life, some of whom were only children. I may have been just a military spouse volunteer for most of my life and served alongside my soldier day in and day out, waiting the endless days and nights for just one glimpse of their safety, one phone call, one letter, just anything to know. I sat by his side as he cried from the things he has had to do to survive and to have a POS like you pretend… SAD!!! You wouldn’t have lasted a day doing what these brave men and women have done and many still continue to do. I will pray for you that God… Read more »
@525 This was meant to come from me.. Didn’t realize my spouse had started to comment and didn’t. Sorry for any confusion…
It seems some of the local folks over at the Lenoir news forum linked at the top have made the connection as they know William’s father. It’s almost like watching footage of the 500 pounders dropping out of the B-17 bomb bay, knowing there would be explosions to follow….Does it feel that way to you, William Derek Church? Do you have that feeling of the impending explosion of the carefully weaved lie you call your life? The only sympathy I have is for your children. No child should have to suffer learning their father is a pos fraud, as your’s will one day soon.
mommaluv75, very, very well said.
@#518 Mommaluv: and 522 and 523.
Piling on with facts and details are always welcome here as long as they are honest and truthful and can guide us to a better understanding of the situation and the depth of the behavior, particularly as many have already said, when it goes way beyond claiming “Super Sekret Squirrel Mega Hero” status.
/Generally for those that post here, until you give us cause to feel otherwise, you are always welcome here.
mommaluv75: what TankBoy said. You nailed it.
Anyone who has ever been in a car skidding uncontrollably, either on wet pavement or ice, knows just how Willie the Whale here probably feels now. He now realizes the impact is rapidly approaching, he did it to himself by being an idiot – and there’s not a damn thing he can do to about it.
Enjoy your upcoming 15 minutes of hometown fame, Willie-boy. You certainly “earned” it.
To the tune of “The Green Berets”
On his head
a flat Beret,
his uniform
in disarray.
To dough-nuts,
he’s a danger,
That’s who we call
The Round Ranger…
My first musical spoof, whadda y’all think?
“Nice beat, easy to dance to – I’d give it a 7, Dick.” (smile)
Seriously, Proud Infidel – not bad at all.
(For those not old enough to remember it, the reference is to Dick Clark and American Bandstand.)
As Elvis would have said, “Thank-yuh, thank-yuh ver’ much!”.
I think he left the building in 1977, amigo. (smile)
Okay I guess I was looking at it from an Air Force perspective. We’re not going to promote someone from E5 to E6 either because of battlefield heroics or due to replace another E6 that was killed. Given his wild stories, I think that is what Mega Church was implying.
I’m still bothered by the disgraceful behavior by this Fat Bastard, using a Ranger beret to make himself look like a Sharpei.
It is grossly insulting both to Rangers of the 75th and to Sharpeis.
@525: Ma’am, I concur with the others; very well said and straight from the heart…
I checked back with the Lenoir Forum and when I refreshed it, the “Local Hero” page is gone.
Do I have to create a profile and join? I didn’t earlier.
ghp
@538
We will have to recreate a page
@538
Done
http://www.topix.com/forum/city/lenoir-nc
Some new photos have hit the web:
http://www.google.com/search?q=family+guy+peter+griffin+husband+father…brother&prmd=ivns&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=GtHNUr3JPJTNkAfAw4CAAw&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ
Mommaluv
YES at one point in time my daughter was close with Kiaya
I thank Beheler is a E-3 not sure
O4E, thanks for the refresh on the Lenoir site. Would that be you I saw on there from a little south of Traverse City? If the fat bastard had put half the energy into his time in the reserves as he has into posing and hiding from the results of his posing, he’d be an F&^%ing general by now. Also, thanks, I had to wipe down my wife’s laptop after I spit coffee on it when I saw your link. He really does have more than a passing resemblance to the family guy.
This douche has so many nicknames, it’s hard to pick a favorite for the tourney. I’m partial to “Waddlin’ Willie” myself. It just has such a nice discriptive ring to it.
Fat dick….
If you really aren’t disgusted enough at this triple-chinned piece of shit try taking a gander at the 75th Ranger Face Book page. You know the same guys he claimed he was going to have kick everyone’s ass.
Their posts are mostly tributes to their fallen comrades who died earning that purple heart that donut boy is sporting to boost his ego.
No offense TAH crowd, but this thread is getting stretched.
Just like this clown’s two-hole.
Dude is weak and has nothing.
Just toss him aside (not unlike an empty Busch Light can) and move on.
Seed him high.
Turd.
I live in Lenoir and have about 800 Facebook friends can I post a link to this website on my page?
Sure, M. Speagle, knock yourself out.
Thank you sir. Shit like this disgusts me.
TankBoy, were you ever at 1st Tracks? I was in the comm maintenance there from May 1984 – 1986.Any chance we crossed paths?
Hack.Stone-I was. I was in Delta Tracks, then went with them to Fuji and to Lejeune when tank UDP started. I got back there in 87. Yeah, we crossed paths. At the Fuji steam house, the Texan, and on base at Shaky Jake’s across from the Bn CP!
@546 Seadog
Works for me, though I do like the idea of a Round Ranger, William Tell Overture thing, eg: “Ho-ho, jelly O’s, Away!” with complementary animated cartoon of him rampaging through a warehouse full of Krispy Kreme donuts.
I’m more partial to a variation of the C-130 song:
C-130 rolling down the strip,
SSG Church on a one way trip.
Stand up, donuts, shuffle to the door,
Jump right out while eating some more.
And if his chute don’t open wide,
he’ll be first in the Burger King line.
forking and a stuffing,
eating and a grazing.
Ain’t it just thrilling,
Getting paid for eating.
I can hear fatbody Pyle “apologizing” now…
No, I didn’t. Honest… I ran out of gas. I… I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!
Yeah, not so much. At least when Belushi did it, it was funny.
12 hours, and not so much as a peep. And no, I wouldn’t regard what he said as an apology.
Matter of fact, that was about as useless as a shit-flavored lollipop, Pyle. Try again. Oh, and after you get out of jail for all the shit you’ve pulled, stick your head between your legs, and kiss your own ass.
Then I might consider the matter closed. Until then, pretend this bag of dicks are just cinnamon twist donuts or something.
@ #554: Eeeeeewwwwwww. Gee thanks. Now, how do I get rid of the pic in my head of him bursting into the local Krispy Kreme, bouncing folks left and right to get to the line of fresh, hot, sugary puffs of donut goodness? Oh, the humanity!