The great BYU war on masturbation
Um, what?
My Mom said it would make me go blind. I now have 20/400 vision, so joke is on her. I can almost see my hairy palm.
I had to have a swim test a few weeks ago at the doctors office, and it was the only test I had ever studied for 30 years. (I passed) But can we agree that the war analogy here is misplaced? VT Woody and Sniper were fighting this horrible war mere feet from my bunk in Afghanistan.
Category: Politics
Wow…..just wow…
It’s like watching Curling in the Winter Olympics. We all do it, just admit it and you’ll be a better man for it.
Yeah TSO….
I watch Winter Olympic Curling….
http://www.canada.com/cms/binary/8130442.jpg
I am man enough to admit it…….I rode a moped….
Two words: PATROL SOCK.
http://s3-media3.ak.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/U0doPASoIp2CFmnMU5VpfA/l.jpg
And if someone more HTML savvy wants to put this one up–this place was an “adult bookstore” near where I used to live in CA. They have other shirts, and next time I’m there I might just pick up one or three.
I guess BYU’s film department stopped collecting costume uniforms around oh say, WWII.
I watch curling and I’m not ashamed to admit it.
When it comes to the subject at (in) hand, there are only two kinds of guys in two categories:
1. Left handers and right handers.
2. Those that do and those that lie.
I thought the young man’s roommate had that, “hey, can I touch you”, look about him.
I think I’m going to be a Poser Veteran from the war on Maturbataion.
Im going to get the Blue Ball Medal and Non Hand to gland campaign ribbon with 3 gold stars for the 15th Award.
Im going to sit near the Campus at BYU and brag about my eagle -like vision. And tell war stories,,,
” So there we were, just me and my buddy one eyed Willie” The enemy walked by some young Asian Chick with a School girl skirt on,,,, I tried to warn Willie but he jumped straight up and was staring at her. I wanted to choke him and slap him and knock him down, but that’s not the correct procedure. I had to escort him to the deconatamination center and throw him in an ice cold shower. When we came back I put up a picture of Margaret Thatcher to block out the Asian Girl, My buddie willie fell asleep against two sand bags, I would continue watching over him”
And thats how I saved our country, baby jesus and all the puppies during the War on Masturbation
FFS get that kid a hooker already…
Is it just me or does the “wounded soldier” look like he’s in the middle of a nut out there? And worse, the guy watching him is like “I need to go over there and help that guy” like, maybe holding the napkin for him or something.
I mean, I’ve heard of battle buddies and all but if that is your “wound” you better be screaming “MEDIC! Really, really HOT MEDIC with and AWESOME RACK” because I sure as shit am not coming to help.
I suppose when you put your fate in the hands of a magical man in the heavens who dictates what is and what is not a “sin” it should not come as a real surprise that some of the more zealous members of the herd get lost in the tracking down and rooting out all the sins they commit in their own mind from their fellow man….
At times like this I remember this line….
“religion is a lift in your shoe, man. If you need it, cool. Just don’t make me wear your shoes if I don’t want ’em and we don’t have to go down and nail lifts onto the native’s feet! “
So it’s OK for women to do it, but not men?
@10 I’ve heard it put another way.
Religion is like a penis. It is fine to be proud of your penis, it is ok to use your penis. It is not ok to pull your penis out in front of others and wave it around, and it sure as hell isnt ok to try to force it down their throats…
I am also reminded of the Father Guido Sarducci line about paying for your sins…
’til the day you die. And then… they pay you. God and his-a helpers. You know, they bring-a in all of this money, and then… God goes over all-a of-a your sins. And ou get FINED. You know, it’s like, uh… like, maybe like stealing a car’s like $400. Murder is… maybe, you know, the worst — it’s like $50,000. And masturbation… eh, maybe, you know, like twenty-five, thirty-five cents. You know. That’s-a cheap sin. You know, but-a for a lot of people, you know, it can amount up
As to the religious aspect, “let him who has a free hand, cast the first stone”. 😀
In boot camp they didn’t camp they didn’t yell “drop your c@cks and grab your socks” in the morning just to be funny.
@11 GunzRunner, it’s just that you can’t always tell when a woman “is”. Thus the “bicycle smile” and such. But for us poor guys it is way too obvious when we “are” and all we get from a bicycle is a set of sore nuts.
When I was in A-stan, I had a t-shirt that, by the end of deployment, I could not only lean against a wall but lay across two benches and use it as a card table.
TSO: BYU is a religious college run by the Mormon Church. If I recall correctly, they also ban alcohol consumption and have a pretty strict honor code. I understand they also regularly kick out students for violating both the alcohol ban and the honor code.
Given that, this video doesn’t surprise me particularly. Their place, their rules. Not rules I find realistic, but hey – they didn’t ask me.
Don’t like the rules, go to Utah or Utah State instead. Attendance ain’t compulsory.
@15 Sniper, YOU my friend, are da MAN! That is some fine, military precision, whackin’ off there! Kudos.
Sparks: if you’re getting sore from the bike seat, you need to adjust the seat, amigo. Or get a gel-filled touring saddle.
Try pointing the front of the seat down very slightly. (smile)
I had a LOT of time on my hands, Sparky. And that is ALL I wanted on them.
@18 Hondo thanks. I am going out this morning to the bike shop for a gel seat. I already tilted the front down and it is much better.
@19 The Sniper. Goes to prove a point. You leave a troop to himself too long…and this stuff happens. Did to me anyway. By the way I hated button front fatigues. Envied the slobs that got the zippers.
The Sniper: agreed, amigo.
In a combat zone, boredom is good – and excitement is way the hell overrated.
I know it’s terribly immature of me to laugh myself into near hysterics over this film.
The earnest, but ambiguous, script, read in SUCH an earnest, and sympathetic – nay, pathos-ridden – tone of voice by the narrator, all contributed to my perception of this as something conceived (dare I say that?) by either psulie-o the uncoolie-o or Dumbass Witllessandwandering, until I realized it was the Mormons, at it again.
Then I fell off my chair laughing.
I am still laughing.
And I do watch curling.
Still laughing.
“It’s my soap, and it’s my dick, and I’ll wash it any way I want.” If a woman has freedom of choice, then so do we. I will choose satisfaction over frustration every time.
@15 The Sniper,
Whatever starchy product you were using would have been awesome for our woodland BDUs during the 1990s. The canned spray stuff from the PX was always prone to theft from roommates; additionally, your stuff sounds like it needs to be marketed on the fact that others, more than likely, will not steal it.
I had to magnify this discussion to 150% to read it… now if you will ecuse me I have to goshave my palm.
@23 Roger…right ON! Or “left” on for those “different kinda feelin’s”. 😀
– War on Masturbation –
This is one war I don’t mind protesting! I think I’ll get a Circle of friends together, you know to sing “Kum by you” with and teach those Jerks a thing or 5. (that’s how you protest isn’t it?)
Sparks: de nada. In the southwest, biking was my primary form of aerobic exercise (knee issues). Learned a thing or two about how to keep “Ralph and friends” reasonably happy while cycling.
Package numbness can be an issue if the saddle isn’t well padded, though. Wasn’t ever a huge problem for me, but I rarely rode more than an hour or so straight. Could have been otherwise.
I’ll be soooo damn glad when I get back to a place where I can cycle again without risking life/limb dealing with an excess of fools.
Who watches pr0n with the door open? When I was in Iraq nobody even tried to hide that fact. Everyone would just walk to the shitter carrying their laptop.
@29 Twister, no laptops or computers in my day. Just a finely honed imagination and an over filled “spank bank” in my head.
Anyone think this thread could get “outa hand”? Not on my end. In fact I am with rb325th. I better go shave and put on my readers.
Well doesn’t that just BEAT all. I hope BYU can get a good grip on this situation, or they could wind up holding the bag in a bad situation.
I don’t give a damn about their code; I find it extremely offensive that they would belittle the sacrifices of men on the battlefield by equating it with boxing the clown. How full of themselves are these morons? Next time one of them comes to my door, which should be any time now since their semi-annual door knocking/recruiting charge is due, is going to get an earful about this bullshit.
Oh, and nice use of an SKS in their stupid video. If running one off is considered a huge problem in this world, we have some serious trouble ahead.
TSO: didn’t the Boo monitor this at El Cid? Or that was before your time there.
I think this thread may have just given birth to the quickly-stuttered, nervous explanation at gunpoint that “I swear to God I was just starching her shirt.”
@33 Thank you Old Trooper. Gives me some traction for their next visit to my door.
I remember as a young man when the embarrassment of getting caught…vanished. Because the troop who caught me was heading to the same “private place” for the same thing. That’s the only reason why they all said, “aw shit!”. The only one who ever said different was the Sergeant. He would yell something like, “don’t you have something to be cleanin’ or policin’ up right now!” To which I always thought, “that’s what I been doin’ Sergeant”.
@35 The Sniper. LMAO on that! Thanks.
OldTrooper, if the Mormons do come to your door, make sure you forget to zip your pants up when you answer it.
You can tell it’s them. They’ll have a bible in one hand and a canned ham in the other.
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Old Tanker: I agree with your sentimaet, but to be fair the ones knocking on your door are young, haven’t gone to college yet, and had nothing to do with this abortion of a video.
YGBSM.
Whoever came up with the analogy is a bozo.
Words fail me.
@39: Yeah, but they have note pads and can write, so they can take it back to their supervisor. Then, if the supervisor would like to have a sit down and a glass of milk (I don’t drink coffee and I doubt they would want a coldie), I can inform them of the same thing. Point being; if they are knocking on my door, peddling their religion as representatives of said religion, then they had better be prepared to get an earful about the actions of those up at the top of their religion.
The reason I hated latrine duty?
Turd stains…meh.
Shaving cream, beard on the sinks and mirrors…so what.
Urinal cakes…probably taste okay on a bagel to some.
But…dried “coffee creamer” on porcelain and tile, has to be damn near CHISELED off!
I loved being in prototype in Idaho. For one, I got the door knocks from missionaries about my age nearly daily. Second, when I get done off a 12-hour night shift, I’m not really full of the love of Jesus.
But it was kind of interesting seeing the look on their faces when I greeted them at the door at 8 am on a Saturday morning with a beer in my hand and a couple of empties on the counter behind me.
Plus, just substitute “Mormon” for “Baptist” and you’ve got the same jokes.
All this sexy talk is making me blush.
@7 Just an Old Dog….
Damn this blog needs a “like” button…I haven’t stopped laughing for 15 minutes!
I am not even going to ask what kind of ammo they are using in this “war”…..
@44 Master Chief. First, thanks for all you, your team, and your department did in giving us a good and secured SB48! I can’t imagine the long hours and months of prep work it took to do what you do. Hat’s off to you!
Second, I doubt after 32 years in the Navy, ANYTHING could make you blush. But I’ll take your word for it as the honorable man you are. 😀
Sparks. Rog that!
GunzRunner… add that to the list of things it’s cool for a woman to do but anathema for a man to performn. Think of most of the insults you call a guy – “jerk-off”, “cocksucker” etc. which are admirable traits in a woman but not so much for a guy. Homosex will get a guy’s ass kisked… and a woman watched on the various porn channels. There’s a double standard, for sure. (To which allI can say is: Thank God there is!)
on the religion front – we had to break our lease due to a PCS in 1981… apartment pricks took our damage deposit even though we showed them our orders. In retaliation, when Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up during the pack-out, my wife acted like we were moving in and not out – and told them she was really really INTERESTED in JW, and to not let her husband turn them away – we figure the next tenants were probably fighting off JW visits for the next six months. And hopefully bitching at the apartment office the whole time