“Bullsh!t! Put Yer Bullsh!t Stories Right Heah . . . . “
Some folks seem to want an open thread today so they can swap “No Sh!t” (wink, wink) stories. Well, here ya go.
Pile it as high and deep as yer lil’ hearts’ desire. (smile)
Category: Administrative
No shit, there I was at the PX knee deep in deepandapotomusses run over by the larger hoofasauruses for a clearance sale in the womans “big and bodacious” section…..
Not only was I driving this load I also took the photo to boot.
http://i.imgur.com/9BprAMs.jpg
@2. That’s my freakin’ luggage, dammit! How the hell did you lose it?
Back in the day of the single-blade razor, I was flying home and had it and a few other things in a small bag. I pointed out to the boarding-check guy that it was in there so he didn’t get cut when he reached in. (This, obviously, was in the pre-super duper airline security days and when one could actiually smoke on airliners. Some of you can’t believe that, probably.) Anyway, he says, “Thanks.” I say, “I’ll get it.” I reach in, wince, curse softly, and out comes my bloody hand from which is hanging the razor.
@3 2/17 Air Cav
Our Motto for AMC (Or MAC or MATS for you real old timers)
“We *never* lose your luggage, I know *exactly* where I sent it.
Funny story time….working MAC/AMC Passenger Service with active duty guys….some officer saunters up to the counter and immediately starts with the “Do you know who I am attitude”…. he pisses off the counter agent, then the Supervisor and then just about everyone else demanding VIP status and also being GUARANTEED a seat on the aircraft when he was not a duty traveler….
As we were trained, we were always professional.
The active duty guy turns to me when the Captain was away from the desk and said “Look under the counter…” I said…”OK” …..He said…”See that box of colored ribbons there?” I said…”Yeah” …
He said…”This Week’s color is Purple…Take a purple ribbon and tie it on all of the nice Captain’s bags.” I did as I was told.
I thought that “Well, he’s going to get special VIP treatment for that!!”…and so he did….as I was out back building the baggage pallet later I saw the captain’s bags come out on the conveyer and the active duty guys and I were just throwing bags and the other Sergeant says..Oh Look…** Purple Ribbon ** and he set the bags off to the side.
I started to put them on top at the end of the pallet thinking “Last on First Off” but Noooooo. The Sergeant stopped me and then threw the bags on the tug and headed off in another direction.
He came back and I asked where he went with the bags. Maybe he had to take them the Loadmaster or the Air Crew or something special. I was trying to figure out their procedures so I didn’t screw up. he turned to me and said….
“Nah…..dumpster.”
/true story.
No shit so there I was
A high speed young Specialist recently turned 54B (NBC) from 11H stationed in Hawaii.. A PFC 54B and myself got voluntold we were going to going to go support the I Corps Warfighter exercise that was going on.
We reported in and got shuffled to the “red cell” and sat down behind a computer representing the North Korean Chemical assets. A Major gave us a brief class on how the system works and hurriedly went on about his way. The problem was he didn’t tell us what NOT to do (which should have been not to touch or do anything)
NBC = Nuclear Bio Chem = No Body Cares. What harm can a couple of lower ranking EMs do?
By this time the blue force was moving from the defense into the offense with of course devastating results to the NORKs.
So..using “my assets” I started laying down scunion on every APOD, BSA, and port I could range.
You could watch on the master screen as the offensive ground to am abrupt halt as spare parts, fuel, ammunition and replacements..by now covered in persistent chemical agents..could no longer be delivered.
A Colonel storms in and loudly ask who the f*ck was using chemicals. We raised our hands and he told us we were finished and not to touch anything again.
They had to reset the whole scenario. No NBC weapons were used again and of course we were victorious.
So that is the story of how I shut down the I nearly shutdown the I Corps Warfighter Exercise.
“So that is the story of how I shut down the I nearly shutdown the I Corps Warfighter Exercise”
Should be “So that is the story of how I nearly shutdown the I Corps Warfighter Exercise”
Trying to do two things at once
Before the pre-9/11 days, I re-enlisted for Alaska and I was on my way there on orders. Anyway, I had a lay over at the Seattle airport and I am not sure if I was at fault because I really don’t like sitting down and waiting for a flight so “apparently” I was walking up and down the airport looking at shops, bookstores, fast food, whatever when I was approached by six security guards. Like out of a western movie, three guards approached me from the left and three from the right out of my field of vision. A slow moving tumbleweed would have been appropriate at this moment in time. All six of those guards came into my field of vision and blocked my movement. One of them proceeded to ask me questions. I think/believe he asked “What are you doing here?”, “Where are you going?”, “Who are you traveling with?” Etc… Furthermore, I think I told the guy that I was on my way to my new army base in Alaska and the guy proceeded to ask me for my military identification which I then produced and showed him. After he eyeballed my card, he muttered something to the other five guys and they backed off and they went-off in different directions. The main guy, I can’t remember his name, claimed that he was once also stationed in Alaska and he shook my hand and walked away.
To this day, I’m still not really sure why that happened. Maybe, I was just wandering around instead of sitting down, or because I was traveling alone, or because I don’t look, walk, talk, or act like someone from Seattle. Who knows???
There I was, also at SEA, when a bunch of police types came onto the aircraft (I was flying back to Germany, if memory serves) and they took all the military personnel off the plane (Maybe 10 of us)… into a room and searched us.
This was in 74 or 75, if memory serves.
Have no idea why… nothing was found… the flight was delayed an hour.
In 1978 I used to give back my US military supplied airline tickets and turn them in to receive standby tickets…this put some cash in my pockets and allowed me a little time to enjoy the airport…flying between Ft Benning and Ft Dix my standby became a first class seat when some businessmen didn’t show for their flight…i enjoyed the first class upgrade immensely and being a good looking in shape 11B I had a great time talking to the flight attendants….
When I woke up I realized I hadn’t gone home with the blonde 28 year old flight attendant but her early 40s blonde co-worker…and I realized at that moment I would have an affinity for older women for some time afterwards….
No shit, there I was, Monkerssy to the right of me, Cockeron to my other left, as the door to the space shuttle opened. The air was so thin we wouldn’t have survivied if it hadn’t been so laden with estrogen from those two blood drinking baby making machines. I think they could tell I was nervous, this was my first HANO (high alititude no opening) jump, but they just accepted it with the calm mockery of man-children who’s legends were so great they couldn’t be contained within their own minds.
As we waited for the door gunner, Rude (who’s cover ID was that of a badass criminal doing hard time upstate somewhere) to give us the go signal, I wondered what our mission would be. All I could tell you was that we’d be landing in a hot LZ in one of the many oceans and that I’d only be read in, as made our decent…
Speaking of “Monkerssy to the right of me, Cockeron to my other left”….what ever happened to this nimrods and Psul?
SJ They didn’t make it back from the mission.
There I was, at Shannon Airport on my way home from AFG in early ’07, making my second trip through the long line of USAF troops and what I seem to recall were 1st Cav troopers (USAF here). I had bought two pints of Guinness on my first trip through the line, and immediately got back in line while double fisting delicious fresh Guinness. By the time I was finishing my second beer, I was the second person in line at the bar again. The knucklehead in front of me was some useless AF MSgt who took way too long considering what he wanted before asking the bartender if they had Coors light. Bartender looks at the MSgt like he has purple horns growing out of his head. Bartender then smiles, looks over the MSgt’s shoulder at me, and asks me what I want. I put my two empty pints on the bar, say “two more Guinness,” pay in cash, and push past the MSgt who still has no idea why the entire line is laughing at him.
True story.
@5… I once worked for a CMSgt that became an insufferable pr!ck as he got closer to retiring and leaving the PI. He got so bad, that when he left, I called a buddy at TMO and had his stuff sent to Thailand. I wonder if he ever got it back…
#12, stay tuned, maybe our lawyer will let us tell you the story soon.
Didn’t see this personally, so I can’t say if it’s live . . . or Memorex. (smile) Either way, it’s a good story.
In the early 1980s, Camp Red Cloud – some 10-12 km or so north of downtown Seoul, near Uijongbu, Korea – was HQ for the Combined Field Army (ROK/US). (The 2nd Infantry Division HQ was then at Camp Casey.) The CG at the time was a US Army 3-star.
A new hillside command bunker had recently been built for the HQ. It had a PA system so that announcements could be heard throughout the bunker.
Originally there were working speakers in virtually every room, including the CG’s conference room/briefing area. However, that only lasted for a short while.
Seems the CG was getting a briefing one day when a voice made an announcement on the PA system. That voice blew into the microphone twice to test the audio, then announced, in heavily-accented English: “Snack truck outside. Snack truck outside.”
The speaker in the CG’s conference room was reportedly disconnected the next day. (smile)
Ocean Venture ’84 Roosevelt Roads, Puerto Rico consisted of 5 days of live fire and field excercises there and on Vieques Island and then for some unkown reason another 5 days of leaving the 3/25th Abn Infantry alone on the naval Base with all those Marines, US Navy, and of all things a British Destroyer in port… very first night in the O Club, packed to the walls with the very same mix when someone, somewhere in a false Brit accent declares that the Queen’s a whore… It rippled slowly but then quickly across the crew of that British destroyers ears and lips before the chairs and fist began to fly. The SP’s and MPs had a fun night.
We were told that we were in the future no longer welcme to return to the Island of Puerto Rico, but more to the point that we would never return to Roosevelt Roads. We still stayed the ramainder of the week harrassing the Navy and Marines. Good times.
During my last trip to AFG a couple years ago I had to regularly take a C-130 from Kandahar to Herat. They had a civilian-style terminal at the airfield for the fixed-wing transports and made you go through a metal detector and X-ray your stuff. I was badgered by this british contractor working the machine that I had to put my knives in my palletized luggage. I couldn’t carry them on the plane. He said this as serious as you can imagine while I stood there in front of him in body armor, M4, M9, and well over 300 rounds of ammo strapped to my sides. One of my coworkers got the third degree from him a couple weeks later for having a decorative knife he bought on the economy in his pocket.
SO FAR I WOULD SAY THE WHOLE BUNCH OF YOU ARE FULL OF S#!T, NOW LET ME TELL YOU JUST HOW IT WAS (SMILE) “IT WAS THE MONTH BEFORE CHRISTMAS” etc.
That’s my story and I’m stivking to it.
Sam
I used to work on the CIWS (little R2-D2 looking systems) on an amphibious assault ship. We were steaming around the Gulf during DS/DS. I think this was towards the end of our deployment. The system has a beautiful M61A1 Vulcan gatling gun that I absolutely LOVED maintaining and I’m not even joking. An engineering marvel, IMHO. There are two campaths for the ammo to follow through the gun, “clearing” and “firing”. We were at condition 3 so the system was fully loaded and the clearing sector holdback tool was removed. When cycled, the ammo would pass through the firing campath and bad things would happen to whatever was at the other end of the flight path. They system also had a nifty little test program called “STIM” that would inject a fake target signal into the radar system. The computer would then prosecute that false target as if it were a real threat. If in Anti-aircraft Auto mode, the system would autonomously command the gun to fire. In AAW Manual, the system would require the operator to “push the button”. We would use this test to great effect during port visits with the CSHT and dummy ammo loaded. People waiting in line to come aboard absolutely loved watching that gun move. We were pulling into one of the ME ports, I want to say Muscat, but I guess it could have been Aden. Truthfully, whereever this was, I never set foot off the ship so I don’t have any reason to remember. Anyway, we were steaming past occupied buildings. I walk into the Aft Launch Control Room (we also had BPDMS onboard) and FC2 is sitting at the control panel. I notice two things. The mount elevation and azimuth position indicators are moving. The mount is in AAW Auto. All I could get out of my mouth was, “Live ammo!” Only saw FC2 move so fast one other time. He hit the main breaker and shut down the entire mount in about a half a microsecond. After restarting the system we were relieved to discover that the system had… Read more »
You guys are such blowhards.
I hung out in the Continuum with Q. The Polaroid is in m desk drawer.
@15 Seadog. I also worked at TMO before I became an Aerial Porter so I know about losing HHG shipments like that.
My boss here at NASA told me 2 stories about the PI.
One day he walked in to his office building and then had to walk next door to use the phone to call the SPs. Apparently someone had broken in to the TMO office and stolen *Everything*….Every. Thing. Bare tile floors.
Second time (apparently this was in the 1980s as well, some black market guys got on to Clark AB and then get to the Fire Department and hot wired a firetruck, they all jumped on and hit the sirens and lights. Apparently the SPs heard about this and radioed ahead and started blocking traffic on base……the guys drove right out the front gate at top speed lights and sirens going.
One other TMO story that happened to us at Kadena in Okinawa…..we get a message again, from Clark in the PI.
We had packed a CONEX wall to wall and floor to ceiling with commissary supplies….and then sent it to the port at Naha to go to the PI by sealift.
We get an emergency message about two weeks later and we had to block out a C-5 for BX and commissary supplies. Apparently the black market guys had hijacked the CONEX and secretly broken all the locks and seals on it and emptied it out leaving only the wooden skids.
We had to airlift Baby Formula, Diapers, Toilet Paper etc because the BX and Commissary shelves were practically bare.
There I was, 4 knuckles deep and I realized I was in love.
#2 No you didn’t, I did with an old instamatic camera while piloting the LEM (lunar excursion module for you younger folks)
We can tell multiple stories?
Same ship. Same FC2. My division was responsible for manning the phone and distance line during underway replenishments.
We were resupplying from a ship that had females aboard. In fact a female was on deck manning their end of the P&D line. FC2 sees her and notes that the person manning the other vessel’s sound-powered phone is a male. “Who’s the charlie uniform november”…you can probably guess where this is going.
About a minute later we hear our CO over the 1MC, “P&D line phone operator, report to the bridge immediately.” FC2 would have done well to remember that the bridges of both ships also had sound-powered phones connected through the line. Just so happened that the person on their bridge, like their P&D handler, was a female. FC2 somehow remained an E-5.
Told to me before I joined: an ex-AF guy I knew who had been an SP when he was in Vietnam somehow pissed off the base commander. So when he should have been processing out of country back to the world, he was stuck on work details instead. One of them was to seed the commandant’s lawn….. so he went to the quartermaster, and instead of a bag of grass seed basically bought a bit of every kind of seed. He figured he was a civilian about two weeks before the mix of tomatoes, corn, flowers, pot, grass, etc. started coming out.
@26, remember me? I was your Door Gunner!! OH, how I LOVED that M666 Plasma Gun!!
@23 + 24. The fire truck story is mostly true. It was a Filipino firefighter employed by the base. He claimed it was a “mutual aid” call for downtown. When I left in 1990, it was still at Manila international airport.
I was there from ’84 to ’90. And the commissary would run out of stuff all the time. One month, toilet paper. The next, it was diapers. In ’87, there was a base wide strike of local employees. The shut the gates. Since I worked at camp O’Donnell, and lived on base, I couldn’t go to my normal work site. They had me work in the commissary stocking shelves. We found so much product squirreled away it was nuts. There were no real shortages if it had made it to the shelves. It was being hidden for eventual redistribution downtown.
1989, first time I took leave after getting to my first boat, took a MAC flight to PI via Okinawa and took 3 days getting there.
After I did my 10 days there, I said screw it and got a one-way commercial from Manila to Honolulu.
On the Victory Liner bus from Subic to Manila, there seemed to be a lot more than the usual “agitators” around the downtown and airport areas, and the security guards were NOT in a joking mood.
By the time we landed in Honolulu, news was that there was a coup against Aquino in progress. Missed getting caught up in it by less than 12 hours.
@31. After the ouster of Marcos, we had a coup attempt every 6 months. Whether you wanted one, or not.
Phu loi, 1971. Setting in the mess hall eating chow. Huey pilot comes in looking for a crew. I went. Turns out pilot is going down to Saigon to pick up his round eye date. Totally unauthorized flight. Coming back after pickup I’m setting in the gunners well drinking champagne out of a red cross cup provided by pilots date. Gotta love those army rotor pilots
Two Words for Seadog and NHSparky……
Nipa Hut & Angeles City
/never been there…I took my leave in Seoul and Osan. I heard stories though…boy could I tell you guys stories from the 18th TFW at Kadena.
This one was told to me by my father. Back in the 30’s he was assigned as Shore Patrol Officer for a destroyer squadron port call in Hilo, Hawaii. There were nine houses of ill repute in town and he was instructed to put a corpsman in each to ensure that pro kits were available, and in use.
There were eight destroyers in the squadron, and each had a single corpsman, so he placed those 8 in the houses closest to the docks. In the final house, which was somewhat out in the boonies, he stationed the squadron dental tech.
Comes the last evening of the port visit and he is making his rounds. He walks into the place in the boonies and there is his dental tech on top of a good looking wahini on a couch in the parlor. The dental tech hears the door open and looks up and leaps to attention and says, “Sir, I was only checking her teeth!”
The old man, who was a stickler for regulations, told me that he just couldn’t burn a man who could think that fast.
@32–good point, but I remember hearing later that was the most serious one put up by the Marcos supporters. IIRC, that was the one which had American air power keeping everyone’s heads down.
Angeles City…oy. Most of the time I went to PI, we went to a bar run by a retired submariner called Island Girls out in Bo. Baretto. Only if we were particularly brave (or drunk) did we venture out to Subic City.
There I was, hard charging HM3 working the MED/SURG officers’ ward at Naval Regional Medical Center GLAKES, back when they still had officer and enlisted wards.
40-bed ward (every bed occupied), one nurse, 4 corpsmen. The LPO was an HM1 who had a couple of tours in Nam under his belt and he knew WTF was what.
We had an Army Major (reserve COE) from Ft. Sheridan (hernia repair) who was making our life miserable by laying on his call device every 30 seconds to have someone come in to do everything from adjust his TV to taking dictation for his daily diary. The ward nurse was a timid little JG who snapped to every time he whimpered, but the HM1 told him to STFU so we could take care of the really sick people.
Well, Major Dickcheese decided he was going to put the HM1 on report and called the NOD (at 0300). The NOD, who a) was an 0-6, and b) was a Korean and Vietnam War veteran, listened patiently whilst he went through his extended whine. Then she blistered him with a 90-second getright session that left him in tears. About an hour later, the surgical resident shows up to give him a “scrotal harness”, which turns out to be exactly what your warped minds think it is.
That prick didn’t open his piehole the rest of the time he was on the ward. The attending physician extended his inpatient stay for two days just so the NOD could give him a ward assignment to twist bedpans out from underneath the retired 0-7 who weighed 365 lbs and had a prolapsed rectum.
Ward Justice, we called it. Meted out with extreme prejudice.
There I was in the Mekong on a Swift Boat fighting off enemy hoards and at the same time rescuing everyone. I got a Purple Heart. J. Kerry.
I do not mean to beat a dead horse, but I can think of no bigger bullshit artists that the current administration and Opie Carney, who says the figures on enrollment in obamacare are ‘selected, cherry-picked leaks from Republicans’ (a quote) and that low enrollment (248 after a month) is a ‘dog bites man’ story. ‘On Nov. 1, we don’t expect those numbers to be very high. And we never did,’ he said….
So after I nearly fell off my chair laughing, I wondered if he’s drinking on the job, or just sniffing glue.
Like I said, not beating a dead horse, but your space shuttle door gunner can’t hold a candle to this complete disconnect from reality.
Also, Opie ought to be told before he spouts this crap that you can’t out-bullshit an old bullshitter.
And FTR, I do love your sea stories. They make my day.
I’m trying to remember the one someone told me at Great Lakes about a raggedy chief, some hot meat and a broken reefer. That one was a while back.
@36… That coup was entertaining, to say the least. Since nothing has ever been publicly acknowledged, that’s all I’ll say. Other than Clark was hopping.
@39. Yes, but he is a paid, professional bullshitter. His degree from godless Yale is in Russian and he was Time’s Moscow correspondent. So, there is no doubt he is adept at both propoganda (he learned from the best in Moscow!) and good, old fashioned, I-can’t-believe-he-just-said-that bullshit.
@42 – Acknowledged.
Well, this an open thread so I want to mention that I am doing my part to screw that healthcare.gov site by simply using it. I have contributed about 50 visits there since Oct 1 and I’m job security for whoever has to amass the feedback, which is available for three comments session before you’re cut off. I see that at least six people have actually gotten healthcare from the site and that they are now pushing the 800 number so that one can be confused by a live person and not merely a website. I tried to enroll but never made it through. No, I’m not eligible but I thought it might be fun to go deeper. Whatever I can do to help it fail, I’m willing to put in the time.
About the LAX shooting. Guy got well inside the terminal with a rifle. It appears that one TSA agent was killed so now the TSA are being called “brave men and women” who are protecting us. Well, tie me up and call me doggie. And all this time I though TSA agents were just a bunch of assholes bothering people for a living. Now they’re our heroes. I don’t think so.
There I was, off the coast of Drambuie (w/ NH Sparky)….
Over Macho Grande, Jorge?
No, I don’t think I’ll ever get over Macho Grande.
There are times I wish I could show people “that video” when they say, “You were just on a submarine.”
THAT, boys and girls, was a serious “no shitter.”
LOL… ain’t that the truth…
This is no shit, (USAF 75-83) I was an aircraft MAINT spec with the 379th FMS, we get a RED BALL call bomber (B 52) having engine problems, the start cart was inop, job control called our shop, we reported to the bomber. We had to push start the bird so it could do its mission. = )
Like the farmers out here in Iowa will Say “THE BULL CAN STAY, BUT THE SHIT HAS TO GO”
NO Shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam