The Cottonelle asswiping system
Apparently I have been living under a rock, because I’ve never seen these commercials:
Now that I have seen them though (am home with the wife today) I have been sent into a sub-psychotic rage.
When did they change the rules on how you wipe your ass? For as long as I have been alive it was paper, or wipe, not both. The Chinese invented shit paper in the 6th century, and it has served us well for the next 1400 years, and now Cottonelle wants to lead some sort of asswipe revolution?? No sir! No sir!
My wife thinks I am being ridiculous, but I’ve been forced to wipe with a cardboard MRE box, leaves, the radio portion of a CTT manual, a sock, and T Shirts. In fact, at Fort Polk one time in the box the shit suck truck didn’t make it in to clear out portojohns, and we started using strips of T-Shirts. I walked out of that FTX with 6 Haynes T-Shirt Necklaces.
Back at basic training I had a bunch of PR Guard guys in my unit. When the Drill Sergeant asked at 30 AG (before we went downrange) if we needed anything, one of the guys (Zapata was his name) said we needed sheets of paper. The Drill Sergeant said we wouldn’t take notes until we got downrange at our training unit (D 1-19 INF). Exasperated, Zapata says, “not sheets of paper, sheet paper” while making a wiping motion.
For brave men like Zapata, I will not yield to this commercial pressure. If there is one immutable truth that 12 years of infantry has taught me, it is that paper and wipe is redundant and wasteful. For shame Cottonelle, for shame!
UPDATE: Heh!
Category: Politics
OK, I call BS on needing to use all 6 T-Shirts when you were on FTX. Everybody knows MREs stop you up like a cork!
Paper in cantonment, wipes in the field. There is no other way.
Actually, back then we had one of those cook trailer things, with the walls that came down to make a floor. I forget what they were called.
I remember specifically one cook mistook 1 tablespoon of salt for 1 cup of salt in meatballs.
(BrownneckGaitor, do you remember that? It was the chick Jason Pitt was “Dating”.)
As someone who has a septic system versus town sewer, the wipes SUCK. NONE of them are degradable in the septic tank. Found that out last time I had the tank pumped down. As soon as I saw them in the secondary tank, all use of wipes ceased in the house, which of course didn’t sit well at all with the wimmenfolk.
As the daughter asked, “What about monkey butt?”
Wipe better was my retort. Oh well. I managed to live without. Hell, after 2 boats and a tender using “Roses TP”, aka John Wayne Toilet Paper–It’s Rough! It’s Tough! And it won’t take shit off NOBODY! I think Charmin is the shit.
I tell me wife all the time that I want my paper hard and rough, or as I call it “digging paper.”
As per the Cottonelle challenge, I have named my process:
“Dirty Ass No More, It Smells Like a Dozen Roses”
So you can KMRIA with pleasure!
NHSparky, TSO: Rough? Try Italian TP. It works to smooth paint and polish metal – without Brasso. (smile)
“I have been sent into a sub-psychotic rage.” Welcome. We’ve been expecting you for some time.
So, can’t get it up? Have vaginal itch? Wanna watch two apparently gay guys arguing over breakfast? Wanna see a seductress in her undies? Hollywood? No, just TV commercials nowadays. It’s embarrassing to watch TV–especially when others are present.
Good timing AC, I am listening to Hoda and Kathy Lee talking about how they have “landing strips.”
I’m going to go throw up now.
Yup, it’s a Friday…..
I do remember the salt balls.
Army cooks, death from within…
Maybe I need the wipes…..my youngest plugs the toilet with excessive amounts of TP. He pulls a string of shit tickets off there like the damn prize tickets coming out of those machines at Dave and Busters….come to think of it, maybe I’ll force him to wipe with those….
TSO, you use the wipes and then one wipe with paper for the drying cycle. At least that’s what my pops does. Says he doesn’t like walking out and feeling moist.
Dry toilet paper is just nasty. It doesn’t get you clean and can be rough as a cob. You might as well just use your hand. Oh, wait, some folks do.
Once you go wet, you will never go back. Since we are not civilized enough in this country to have bidets, wet toilet paper is the next best thing.
Frequent use of the Cottonelle, by the way, is irritating. Something about their formula, maybe too much alcohol. Preparation H wipes are more expensive, but very soothing on the 60-year-old bunghole.
We can update the old outhouse cob rule … “use a brown one, then use a white one to see if you need another brown one.” Now it’s … “use some dry paper, then use some wet paper (or a fancy wipe) to see if you need some more dry paper.”
Get up on that wave. You won’t be sorry.
During Basic training our DI came and gave instruction on wiping with one square of TP….as Follows….”
GRAB one square of paper, Fold in Half….Fold in half again to make a small square….NO NOT LENGTHWISE DUMBASSES!!! SQUARES!!! NOW, find the corner where all 4 sides meet and then tear a SMALL CURVED piece out of that square…..DO NOT LOSE THAT SMALL PIECE!!! UNFOLD.
IF done correctly you should now have a TP square with a circular hole in the middle and a small circle of TP that used to be in that hole. INSERT over your FINGER! SLIDE DOWN TO BASE OF YOUR FINGER. COMMENCE TO WIPING WITH YOUR FINGER. Slide paper up finger and Clean off finger of your nasty leavings!! Dispose of Paper. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Take the small circle you tore out of the hole and CLEAN UNDER YOUR FINGERNAIL, anddddd YOU’RE DONE!. TAH DAH!!!
(waits to see how many of you go and take a square of paper and try this exercise
)
CV,
What you want is John Wayne (or Chuck Norris) TP.
Rough, tough and takes no shit from anyone.
The trailer kitchen thingy as you refer to it, is called a MKT. Mobile Kitchen Trailer. And they usually serve T-rats from those. Those were the big tin can looking things with relatively soupy style meals like Sloppy Joes, chili, etc.
Which Polk trip was that? Prior to AFG or Prior to Bosnia?
MKT, yes, I was actually googling to figure out what the hell that thing was called.
This was prior to Bosnia. We had 1SG Dancy at the time, and he would take a vehicle and leave the box to go back and poop. It was honestly the grossest thing I ever saw.
Wet wipers? How damned sissified. Anyone who feels that he must wipe with a wet one is not fit to run/slog the swamps with me. Scott or Northern are the best. Most economical, and they do a pretty damned good job of cleaning the mess.
Wet wipers, so very nearly ghey……
@4 Sparky: Wimmenfolk don’t like monkey-butt. Find a small, lidded bucket, put a small trash can liner in it, use Lysol or if you have it, a small scoop of cat-litter in the bottom (odor control), and let your wimmen-folk use the wipes to clean up after wiping with paper. The paper goes in the toilet, the wipes in the bucket. Change it out about every second or third day. No more wimmen with monkey-butt, and no clogged septic system.
Yes, this is from personal experience.
Attention on deck! I will advise all of you asswipes on what to use and how to use it.
Sparky: Monkey butt? Send your kid to Ace Hardware. The Monkey Butt salve is up by the cash register. If it isn’t there, ask for it, or use spray Bactine.
Corn cobs replace leaves when leaves are not available, but corn husks are better, once you knock the dirt off of them. Find a recently-combined cornfield and do some emergency collecting. (Combined means harvested, for non-farm personnel.)
Copies of the Sears & Roebuck Catalog from 1953 are suitable sources of personal wiping solutions. Use one page. If insufficient, use another. Make sure you put lime in the outhouse. Bucket’s just inside the door. And kill the damned spiders while you’re at it, will ya? One of them crawled over my leg this morning. The size of a Volkswagen.
Toilet paper is no longer referred to as toilet paper. It is now bath tissue, per weenies who are afraid of bodily functions.
Aldi carries its own brand of toilet paper, 18 double rolls for $6.99. It is rough, tough, takes a pounding, makes great cat toys, and does not clog my drains. 18 double rolls will last one perons 36 days.
That is all. For now, anyway.
Holy crap … it IS FRIDAY.
BTW … I AM wearing a KILT at work today.
Most don’t get it and won’t explain!
This will add to my ass wiping pleasure!
It is amazing the things we learn here at TAH!
PN, I would only add that choosing a smallish bucket and lining it with one of those pesky grocery bags (color coordinated with the bathroom, of course) is quite effective. If you keep a shaker of bicarb nearby, a dusting will assist in odor control.
Or so I’ve heard.
PN, OWB, powdered charcoal will also work to control unpleasant smells, as will a dish of vinegar.
Vinegar, among other things, will clear an entire two bedroom apartment of the leftover smells from a large and noisy Starfleet wetting-down party (yes, I was promoted and threw an appropriate party).
It is equally effective in eliminating catbox odors when left in a saucer near the catbox. It quickly cleared the air of my late Sparkle Plenty’s business.
Likewise, an open jar of vinegar on a shelf in the outhouse will do a fair job of reducing the scent of roses coming through the potty holes.
I recently, accidentally found a new method. I bought a stick deodorant the other day, and the instructions said “Remove cap and push up bottom”
I can hardly walk, but my ass smells wonderful now.
@24 Crude but effective. ROFLMAO!!!
@1, Every grunt knows that MREs stop you up, but once you break the seal it’s game on.
Guys, put the toilet paper away and go get your self a bottle of Listerine and a bottle of Milk Mag. First, you all have a real dirty mouth that needs cleaning, and most of all your all full of SHIT
Only two types of people have a discussion on dropping a deuce; vets and 3rd grade boys.
Bubblehead Ray should win a prize for his answer!
Naomi: your opinion is noted. In all likelihood it will be ignored.
Twist: Ranger Rhino and Devil Dog from “The Damn Few” concur.
Trust a bubblehead to come up with the perfect asspaper/shit joke. I know, I know–call him a boomerfag, but call him at home.
Ray/nucsnipe/3364/bobo–can you imagine these grunts using a shitter on a boat, ESPECIALLY if the boat is at PD and they’re blowing versus pumping sanitaries?
“Yeah, yeah, just pull that long green handle back towards you. Nah, don’t worry about that ‘Blowing Sanitaries’ sign on the door. Yeah, I’ll be right over here…”
Sparky, I can only imagine one of you buoyant types take one with only one cheek planted on an E-tool.
1000 sheet rolls of Scott or whatever generic house brand is available in your area works great. Softer than math paper (the old school beige with wood chips kind) from when I was a kid, but just as durable….
If you need wipes, buy wipes.
Cottonelle is trying to sell product, like everybody else on TV. I always find it interesting that when it comes to television violence the executives will always testify to congress that television can’t influence anyone to do anything. These very same executives will then tell manufacturers like Cottonelle, that television can get anyone to buy any product at any time with just enough exposure…..
Stay fresh 4ssed my friends….
Dang i started using the wipes after picking up that small green Ranger book before PLDC. To the extent both were available, I employed the two prong attack though.
Using only the paper makes you a biohazard.
I’ll show my ignorance of “head” operations, NHSparky. Suction or backblast under those conditions? (smile)
Sparky, just throw wipes in the bathroom trash can and empty it out frequently. That’ll solve your septic woes and kept the ladies of the house happy.
Being a Husband and Daddy of two girls, I get exposed to a fair mount of things I would otherwise have never seen…..
And this is one of those good ones-we use both now (and I do mean “we”-myself included). The ones from Costco are biodegradable (pro tip: if you look for wipes, unless it says it’s safe for sewage/septic systems, it isn’t). But there are ones that are out there, and commies or not, the ones from Costco are cheaper and you get more of them.
Anyway….TP for the initial…bulldozing, then the wipes for the finesse mopping up. It simply leaves everything…cleaner. Noticeably so.
Shrug-it is what it is.
And I still have my man card bitches!
@35-Hondo-Well, if you get a row of grunts using the head on a submarine, it might look a bit like the fountain at the Bellagio.
But I ain’t cleaning it up. Think 700# air used to pressurize those sanitaries. Oh, then it’s vented inboard.
Ahh yes, the MKT, my first Active Duty station was Korea with 2nd ID, and after my first few months, I convinced the next batch of “new Joes” we got from boot camp that it was the “Field Unit Kitchen”. They went around the AO looking for the “F*K”, and once they found out who taught them that, I had to do some serious pushups for that prank!
Corncobs make a nice backup in the right situations. I was part of the Civil War Battle of Springfield reenactment in TN a few years ago, and we were camped in a cornfield. I knew there would be a paper shortage, so I took some cobs with me to the “poop coops” they had there, and lo and behold, there was a Yankee Ossifer telling his boys to use as little paper as possible and leave some for the Women. Being there as a “Reb”, I couldn’t help saying “YOU bluebellies take the cake, a real man would use a few of these, and leave ALL the paper for the Women!” and I did!
I know this grunt trying to use the shitter on a submarine would be like a dog trying to do math.
@40 You aren’t getting this grunt in a pressurized can under the water without some sort of anesthesia or restraint system…..
When I enlisted it was a joint service enlistment center, and the Navy recruiter told me I scored really well (upper 90s) on the testing. He suggested sub service, I told him there was zero chance of that happening. I did not want to be trapped like a rat in a tube for months on end…
I have a good friend who was a sub service guy, and I have the utmost respect for that duty. But there’s no f$cking way that stuff is for me….
NHSparky: thanks. From the description I was guessing “backblast” vice suction, but didn’t know. So I asked.
Read a description once of a really big guy or gal who was using an airline toilet when it malfunctioned. Allegedly, they got stuck pretty tightly when the plane’s toilet vented to the outside unexpectedly and the cabin pressure took over.
Not sure I’m buying that, but it made a pretty entertaining story. (smile)
Have any of you even given consideration to what it’s like to do this on the space station?
Naw, I didn’t think so.
Zero-G defectatory procedures…. ;P
Keep swamp ass away:
1. Eat your fiber and drink enough H2O.
2. Make your own wipe solution: Take empty dish soap bottle, and add 1 or 2 tablespoon liquid dish soap to 32 oz water. Keep on hand to moisten TP for proper cleaning.
3. Apply dusting of Ammens or Mexsana medicated corn starch powder. Regular ole corn starch works well too. Got really fed up w/ monkey butt in basic training many years ago…found this cured that problem ever since.
My wife says men use to much toilet paper and having John Wayne 800 grit to wipe with makes men slow down on the toilet paper shortage.
Dang, Feminist! Next thang ya know I’ll be forced to raise the seat before I pee!
@45 – You mean….you pee like a girl now?
Just grab the big rolls from the barracks
There are three things I never skimp on:
1) Drawers
2) Socks
3) TP…and that includes wipes.
My wife says men use to much toilet paper
Yer fuckin kidding me, right?
Next thing you know she’ll be telling you they’re better drivers too!
Ex-PH2: nah. Obsidian simply means he hits the target even though he’s not sitting and firing point-blank. (smile)