The Cottonelle asswiping system
Apparently I have been living under a rock, because I’ve never seen these commercials:
Now that I have seen them though (am home with the wife today) I have been sent into a sub-psychotic rage.
When did they change the rules on how you wipe your ass? For as long as I have been alive it was paper, or wipe, not both. The Chinese invented shit paper in the 6th century, and it has served us well for the next 1400 years, and now Cottonelle wants to lead some sort of asswipe revolution?? No sir! No sir!
My wife thinks I am being ridiculous, but I’ve been forced to wipe with a cardboard MRE box, leaves, the radio portion of a CTT manual, a sock, and T Shirts. In fact, at Fort Polk one time in the box the shit suck truck didn’t make it in to clear out portojohns, and we started using strips of T-Shirts. I walked out of that FTX with 6 Haynes T-Shirt Necklaces.
Back at basic training I had a bunch of PR Guard guys in my unit. When the Drill Sergeant asked at 30 AG (before we went downrange) if we needed anything, one of the guys (Zapata was his name) said we needed sheets of paper. The Drill Sergeant said we wouldn’t take notes until we got downrange at our training unit (D 1-19 INF). Exasperated, Zapata says, “not sheets of paper, sheet paper” while making a wiping motion.
For brave men like Zapata, I will not yield to this commercial pressure. If there is one immutable truth that 12 years of infantry has taught me, it is that paper and wipe is redundant and wasteful. For shame Cottonelle, for shame!
UPDATE: Heh!
Category: Politics
@50 If he misses he could use the wipes on the seat…..that way it keeps everybody happy…
MRE hand wipes are not a recommended alternative.
Unless unintentionally cauterizing the roids.
When sharing this newfound info with the troops, “I saw it on the internet” is not an effective method of dodging the truth.
Especially while still hyperventilating.
Calf pockets on the ACU are a perfect fit for wet wipe travel packs.
Bifocals case in the other.
@31 We had a Marine Recon vent inboard through the flush ball valve. I guess he didn’t notice the sign and the bubbles in the bowl.
One of my brother electricians blew SAN 1 on himself on two separate occasions while he was on board. Our boat also blew SAN 4 all over the dry dock (and topside) in Holy Loch during a refit.
You guys seem to be rather obssessed with fecal removal systems.
They’re very important to you.
Did any of you talk to your moms about her potty training methods and what she said when you peed on the carpet, or
tried to put the poo back in your diapers?
Just asking.
Esteemed Ladies and gentlemen,
Last year while collecting alligator eggs out in the middle of Lake Jesup, FL I was overcome with the urge. Being a fine former Marine I decided to relive myself on some tussock. With no TP available I had to use clorox wipes, we kept them on the airboat to clean our hands after digging through gator nests. (The sows tend to defecate on the nests to make the vegetation they build them with decompose and keep the eggs warm, but also full of all kinds of happy diseases.) It burnt like an SOB but, my my rear was lemony fresh and disease free!
Just watched the last one.
I have been attempting to get the wife to try a Kindle thru similar approach.
Will be modifying the plan.
You guys are freaking me out.
@57 I’ll remind you that this was one of TSO’s posts.
You think this was a bad TSO post? Just wait until he hears that the Pats traded Danny Woodhead to the Chargers.
Two in one week. He’ll be in here in full meltdown mode lamenting that his bromance with Tom Brady might be coming to a premature end.
And if UMass doesn’t make the NIT, he’ll REALLY be upset.
@59, son of a bitch.
I hadn’t seen it yet. Holy shit.
UMASS will make the NIT, not worried. Even if/when they lose tonight.
Dammit. I loved woodhead.
NHSparky: gotta give TSO a hat-tip for the second video, though.
There are some things electronics simply ain’t never gonna replace. (smile)
“Naming it” refers to something quite different to my generation…
Paper? What’s the matter with you guys, don’t you know how to use the three seashells?
I think this is a hilarious post, AND I STILL think that Bubblehead Ray @24 WINS the responses. Thank God I wasn’t drinking something when I read his comment! Although I have to admit that Twist @28 got it right about vets and bodily functions. Huzzah!
Y’All Know Your Shit:
This is a really crappy post, hehehehe. And the comments are shitty.
Keep em coming.
@65. I agree. They really stink. Whatever happened to the courtesy flush?
DISGUSTING STORY ALERT
So, there we were on JO detail. If a guy spends more than 5 mins. in a stall after 9:00 p.m., the special JO detail is dispatched to ruin his self lovefest. One night, a guy heads into the latrine drunk as a skunk. Five or so minutes later, the JO detail goes in–only to find the SOB keeled over unconscious, pants around his ankle, with a fat turd hanging from his butt. We could have sold tickets.
I saw the second video … I hate my wife’s iPad … and I have a great idea!
@67 – AirCav — I laughed so hard the cat fell off the cat tree!
About 10 years ago my Argentine brother-in-law gave my wife and I a bidet for Christmas gift (odd gift, I know) and I love the thing. Not only does it wake you up in the morning, but it also gets the job done better than any paper product ever could. Just use a little TP to pat yourself dry, and you’ll leave the house knowing that you bum is as fresh as a Patagonian breeze.
@ 70 …. seriously? If it is French it ain’t going between my legs … one exception … a young Brigitte Bardot maybe!
# Air Cav … thanks for the warm cuddly story!
@71, It’s made in Italy. It’s attached the side of the toilet. Push a little handle and it pops out, turn a knob and it squirts straight up. You control the pressure. Never thought I’d like it, but It’s great. Keeps my wife fresh as a daisy, too….I think I’ve said enough.
@ Ringo … # 71 was me. OK … Italian … no use for them either! Enjoy the butt crack shower thingy!
Every day.
@74, And you enjoy your cardboard, leaves and old newspapers.
Gotta disagree with you here TSO. I’m happy that wet wipes are now readily available on store shelves. I became a fan of the two tier system in Afghanistan (before the proliferation of hot shower facilities and portajohns).
Now, there are no wet wipes on the market that can compare to “Joey wipes,” but the Cottonelle (and competitors) wet wipes will certainly not plug up the lines like Joey Wipes which were more like a disposable wash cloth.
TSO, I won’t argue to make you use both, if you don’t argue to take away my decision to do so. Having used many of the same alternatives in many of the same places you have, I appreciate this little luxury in life.
This is OT but I thought it might interest you:
Endocannabinoids A Video
There are more cannabinoid receptors in the body than any other receptor type.
The endocannabinoid system is a major regulator in the body implicated in almost all diseases including cancer.