2012 Ballduster McSoulpatch Stolen Valor Finals: Day 1. Jonathon Sharkey versus Jake Diliberto
And then there was two.
VOTE is HERE, for info on the candidates, it is below.
While others shout of war’s disaster.
Oh, we won’t give in,
Let’s go living in the past.
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Top 10 Facts about each candidate:
SHARKEY:
1. Has Special Forces Sniper Tattoo on his right forearm, April Tattoo on his rightbicep and Satanic Pentagram with Vampyre Wings on his right Shoulder, Dragon Tattoo on his left forearm and Triple Moon Tattoo on his left bicep.
2. “If I was President when the US Navy Seals went after bin Laden, I would have lead the military operation. That’s the difference between a Combat Arms Veteran and a civilian. I know not only how to draw up a military attack, but, lead the attack to complete success.”
3. He stalked a young chick: She told police that “in a desperate attempt” to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger.”
4. Jonathon Sharkey – who also goes by the name Rocky Flash – was sentenced at Marion County Court to two years in prison after threatening to murder Judge David Certo and his family.”
5. But, no, he’s a wonderful guy….“In the same breath, all the good things I do for people, is because I want to… Not because a Bible, minister or Jesus tells me to. My good deeds are done from my heart.”
6. This explains his fetish for the fatties….”There are sanguinarian vampires, which are blood feeders, which I am. I only feed on female or like cow or pig blood. I prefer cow over pig,” he said.
7. Absolutely the worst Elvis impersonator to ever live. (Plus the interview sucks equally bad.)
8. If I had PACER, I would tell you about his lawsuit against the Governor of Indiana:
| Appellees: | MITCH DANIELS, In his official capacity of Governor of the State of Indiana and GREG ZOELLER |
| Plaintiff – Appellant: | JONATHON SHARKEY, In his official capacity as King of the Vampyre Nation |
9. Also likes to fake credentials: “Jonathon Sharkey said that he has a Ph.D. in Political Science from Southern Christian University in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Although there was (they’ve since changed their name) a Southern Christian University in Montgomery, Alabama, there’s never been one in Lake Charles.
10. Worst Actor EVER.
DILIBERTO:
1. Lists favorite quotes as passages from the Bible, and then this not-so-Biblical inspiration: “you dont wont to be dancing horizontally and getting rust on the tools when you could have used dong bags!!!” -Tom Skalkos.
2. While every Marine is an Infantryman, not every infantryman can peel potatoes while his men go into battle after he himself got out of it by engaging in improper acts.
3. Thinks that Afghanistan can be fixed by Iran, Saudi Arabia and Pakistan: “The Pakistani people have a vested interest in not destabilizing their own country, so they’ll help out,” he explained. “Iran is being plagued with the heroin trade, [so] they have a vested interest in securing their borders and destroying the poppy fields. Saudi Arabia … there’s not a country that loves their Islamic brothers more than them.”
4. Admitted what we knew already: “I want to tell u I have something in my head– but u both know it is empty…”
5. Claims to be a Conservative/Republican, then advocates that Ron Paul run as an independent candidate to ruin the Republican chances.
6. Blogging at the bastion of Conservative Republicanism, Russia Today, Jake Diliberto says President Obama cannot control the Pentagon, making him unfit for office.
7. His Linked-In profile sets out his vast military career: While performing US Marine duties in Operations Enduring Freedom (2001) and Iraqi Freedom 2003, I basic duties of Marines, in addition I performed security task forces, patrols, and continued training exercises, and basic Counter Insurgency Operations. While in Iraq, I worked with existing Police forces and trained them
8. His DD214 doth protest very much.
9. And from the “They Must Have Moved Tora Bora to Pheonix File”: Jake Diliberto knows what it’s like to be afraid and unsure of the future. The Marine served in Iraq and in the Tora Bora mountains of Afghanistan. He watched his best friend die from a bullet wound.
10. And he doesn’t even flinch as Larry King asserts he is an Iraq and Afghanistan vet, even though he knows full well that isn’t true:
Category: Politics
Somebody owes me 2 minutes and 49 seconds for that Sharkey interview. That drivel alone should get that tool the title.
This was an easier choice for me than Sharkey vs Mailman would have been. Sharkey is a lock for the win now.
I went with the dildoberto. Had to.
I came to this day leaning heavily toward Sharkey. I changed my mind after deciding that Diliberto’s the bigger douche. Sharkey is a little man with a huge Walter Mitty complex. No one really takes him seriously. Diliberto on the other hand, has connived and lied in order to be on the national stage. To me, Diliberto is the bigger thief and the real danger. He is the epitome of why stolen valor should be against the law.
Nice Tull reference in the post, I saw them in ’75 or ’76 in Hartford CT….that was before I was aware that Ian Andersen had the ability to be a serious tool.
Can I start a write in campaign for Gunny Driveway? I still think he’s a contender!
@4: Agreed, 100%! I think the average person on the street would find Diliberto’s lies believable, but anyone who believes any of Sharkey’s BS would have to be almost as crazy as he is.
Diliberto is the bigger douche,I went with his bitchassness, STOP THE BITCHASSNESS!
Well, I see we will pick up where we left off. It’s already tied at 25 votes per.
Tie breaker, make them fight to the death!
@ 6 … If it is a tie …. bring GUNNY DRIVEWAY back in the fight! I voted for Dildirt.
I went with disgusting. You guys can figure it out.
Has DiLiberto ever responded to any of this or otherwise tried to counter it? I don’t recall seeing anything like that in any of the posts about him. Or does he just continue to go about his business and double down?
Good thing DiLiberto has Sharkey and Ronad to class things up for him!
This is a post from an earlier thread but I believe it is applicable here as well:
The real danger with The Dildo is that if you did not know any better, you would take him seriously as many unknowing citizens have. That being said, these same uninformed citizens could potentially draw assumptions or conclusions about the military, the war, SOP’s, protocols, rules, etc by what this fuck has told them.
Sharkey, on the other hand, cannot act the part, look the part, talk the part, walk the part and so forth. I mean, in all honestly, could you look at the man and give him credence in a discussion about the military or anything else for that matter (minus gay porn or Dungeons and Dragons)?
Fool vs tool. This is a tough choice. Luckily for me, I have a coin that I can use to decide the loser that I will vote for.
*flips coin*
Dammit, it landed on its edge. Looks like I just have to vote for the one I want to beat with a 2×4 more.
Yes, because E-3’s peeling potatoes have such a strategic view of what’s going on in the real world…
My apologies, Sir Elton, Mr. Taupin. But this one just fit.
Won’t Let the Shark Go Down on Me
They won’t buy no more of my bullshit
All my falsehoods . . . all have come to light
I’m growing puzzled, now CNN won’t call me
Frozen here, no money friends or life
Too late to save my reputation
I took a chance I lied and built a life
But you found out, and now my name is Dildo
I’m so fake, to call me “prick” just ain’t right
Won’t let the Shark go down on me
Although I lied like hell, you simply just cannot blame me
I’ll not allow a fragment of the truth to wander free
I won’t lose this tourney, won’t have the Shark going down on me
I can’t find, any good deployment lies
But listen up, I’ll tell you how to feel
Don’t discard me just because I’m such a tool
But those lies I told oh they’re enough to make pigs squeal
Won’t let the Shark go down on me
Although I lied like hell, you simply just cannot blame me
I’ll not allow a fragment of the truth to wander free
I won’t lose this tourney, won’t have the Shark going down on me
Go Dildo-man. Thrust home!
@17.
That was funny.
This is just tough.
One hand Sharkey is just bat shit nuts. You got to give it to a guy that just believes to fervently in what he does. This dude is just nuts. That alone is awesome and deserves the tiara of craziness.
Dilly on the other….well…throwing Marine Corps honor in the trash, spitting on it, dumping his half eaten nachos on top, pulling his pants down pissing all over it, while not even putting a bag in the can? Words can’t even express this.
It’s going to be a tough call.
I went with Teh Crazy ™.
dildo FTW. I have to go with who in his portrayals of heroic Marine which he used to get covereage, and interviews based on his supposed combat experience. All the while espousing some pretty douchetastic bullshit.
Sharkey is nuts, no doubt about it and should probably be put away and fed a constant does of thorazine… but dildo wins.
I have to go with Dildoberto. Sharkey is just a freak..while Dildoberto is a manipulative piece of shit and has caused much more damage than turds like Sharkey.
Dildoberto 2012!
Nicki: which one – “full-blown batshit” or “like a fox”?
@17. Very nice
Going with Diliberto, since he went on National (Basic Cable) TV and lied his ass off to undermine the war effort.
Let’s see,
The pseudo-intellectual vs the SF vampire.
I had to go with the pseudo-intellectual on this one. Maybe he will write us a 250,000 dissertation on why we should choose him.
@Hondo, Bravo, sir, bravo. Well played, indeed.
However, it was not enough to sway my vote away from the Shark-meister. As a fan of Louisiana politics, I always consider the entertainment value of the candidates. And the Tepid Cock Inhaler has entertainment value in SPADES. Dildo just can’t hang. Besides, the Inhaler is the more apt recipient of the award because he’s truer to the core values and principles of the person for which this tourney is named, may he rot in the ninth ring of Hell.
Go Team Sharkey!
With apologies to Bilbo Baggins – http://tolkiengateway.net/wiki/That's_What_Bilbo_Baggins_Hates
KP duty – clean the plates
That’s what this Marine is for!
That’s what Dildo-berto hates…
Now I’ve turned against the war!
Service record’s kinda flat
Got to juice it up a tad…
(“Bear false witness” – what is that?)
Now they’ll listen: “War is bad!”
Peace is Dildo-berto’s goal
He’s the man to save your soul!
Vlad, by contrast, isn’t whole –
Only good for smoking pole.
That’s what Dildo-berto hates
So Dildo-berto wins the race.
(…or maybe that should be apologies to everybody?)
What #4 Mike said.
Very simple, Dildo is a bold faced liar…Sharkey is a complete, 100%, total WHACK JOB!!! Psychosis is a very strong draw.
Nice, Alberich – got a chuckle out of that one. It’s good to have company/competition in pissing off literary/musical artists and/or their estates through the use of parody. (smile)
Looks like I’m gonna have to start working on another – probably for Thursday or Friday.
#30, trouble is, your first effort on the “Dildo-man” is such a hard act for even you to follow.
(In #17, was your last line an allusion to Cyrano de Bergerac? If so, that’s just wrong, wrong, wrong, and therefore, in context, so right…)
@31, I have a high threshold for anything said here, but anyone who insults the Great de Bergerac is gone, no warnings.
I have two 1898 copies that are my most prized possessions.
Alberich: Based on TSO’s comment 32, I’m pleading the 5th. (smile)
Hondo, the full-blown BATSHIAT! There’s just no beating the blood-sucking nutjob in the hilarity department!
Nikki: But I thought we were voting based on shitbaggery vice nutjobbery . . .
Hondo, I’m voting on a combination of shitbaggery, douchebagship and nutjobliness. Yeah, Dildo is a shitbag, but The Cock Inhaler is an all-around crazier and stoopider. He also put forth more lies than Dildo, even though the soiled sex toy has had more visibility.
@36.
Good point but Sharkey is a clown. I mean look at the guy. Would you even give that fool the time of day or 15 min to speak?
The Dildo’s turdidity is unmatched. That suave appearance and GQ look at least gets him in the door and gives him some sense of respectibility to the uninformed, naive public. That allows him to go to work using his “expert” status. Hell, look at Rachel Maddow and Larry King. The sad part is that people actually believe his bullshit and form opinions on a plethera of subjects based on that same BS.
In the end I hoope both of them rot in hell but it seems to me that the Dildo’s crime is more harsh as he can get people to believe him.
Watching the Cock Inhaler’s little screen test made me seriously question my vote for Diliberto, but in the end a guy like that (Diliberto) is more harmful to society and the veteran community. Sharkey will ultimately wind up in prison and/or dead from his nuttiness, but the Dilibertos of the world can worm their way into places they have no business being without a lot of disinfectant light shed on their assclownery.
I gotta go with Dildo on this one. Going on TV with your lies is completly douchtastic. Sharkey is just 11 3/4 beers away from a 12 pack. I know a guy that was a satanist and he would say Sharkey’s satanic ramblings are bullshit.
Please tell me that the next time Diliberto will be on TV, whoever will be rebutting him will be given the transcripts of his retardedness perpetrated while in uniform to read on national TV to prove how big an R Tard he is.
Gotta agree with #1. Sharkey wins on the douchebaggery of that video alone.
Here’s the thing. I don’t think anyone would have believed Ballduster’s “authenticity” either. Or Soup Sammich’s. I’ve always taken this contest to be about who makes the most outlandish claims, and that would be Cock Inhaler.
BM — what an appropriate set of intitials! – sure, he could fool the impressionable. At least until he died he could.
Soup – well, if the impressionable got drunk, or he stood absolutely still with his mouth closed…actually didn’t some of the girls responding to his Facebook ramblings claim to appreciate his wounded combat medic service? So maybe he had more effective doucherie than we give him credit for. ‘course, we never got to see if they were real girls…
Actually, Nikki – both Ballduster and Soup made outrageous military claims by wearing a shitload of combat/valor decorations they never earned. However, Sharky’s military claims aren’t all that ridiculous – yeah, they’re embellished, but not anywhere near the outrageous level of Soup of Ballduster. In this tourney IMO the most outrageous military claims were those of Creekmur – had a “love me” wall (documented photographically on his page at the old POWNetwork site) claiming 2 Navy Crosses, 3 DDSMs, 2 DSMs, and 3 Silver Stars, plus over a decade of SEAL service – when he’d never even been in the Navy or seen combat. But Creekmur didn’t even make the Fecal Four.
Go Dildo-man. Most deserving putz still standing!
Hondo – I meant that the ridiculousness of the claims overall – not just military – should put the Cock Inhaler over the top. The Special Forces/Sniper/Ranger/Whatever it was that he was claiming was ridiculous enough given his girth, but the blood drinking, the political runs, the little girl fetish, the death threats, and the promise to send his unicorn friend to beat up TSO were just so over the top retarded!!! Meanwhile Dildo is just that. A dildo. He’s not ridiculous. He’s just a douchebag.
Now, me, I think the right principle is the ancient male slogan – “It’s not what you lie about having, but what you do with your lies about it.”
Vlad would be a banana split of craziness with or without the chopped almonds of his military lies – but Diliberto, his lies are the meat of his shit sandwich, and what is a shit sandwich without the shit? Dilberto!
This has really been a tough decision for me. First you have Sharkey’s bugfuck craziness. We’re talking layers of instability and he manages to keep it up without straining himself. And he actually posted on this site, throwing in some cartoonish levels of crazy like the lesbian Marine sniper.
Now we have Dilberto. Not so crazy sounding with an ability to keep a straight face while being interviewed on a major media channel. He was one of those Marines that was so convinced of his vast intellect that if only his CO could just listen to him for five minutes, all would be right in the world.
I admit it: I was a Sharkey supporter at first but Dilberto sneaked up on me like a fart in choir practice. I’m voting for him. But I have to admit that this year was a really tough one all around. Congratulations to those who got noticed this year!
Nicki: I understood your point. But it is the Ballduster McSoulpatch Stolen Valor Tournament – not the Ballduster McSoulpatch Batshit Crazy Loon Tournament. If it were the latter, Charlie Sheen or some other tool from Hollywierd would win each year hands down. (smile)
Seriously, both are worthy candidates (though neither would have been my pick for finalists, frankly). But of the two, on military stolen valor grounds Dildo-man is by far the bigger tool. Sharkey is just an all around looney. Dildo-man has made a career out of lying about his service – and I think it’s been a pretty damn good living, too. For that, he deserves the tourney championship!
Go, Dildo-man! Hook That Shark!
Changed my vote from Sharkey to Dildo based on the comments. Sharkey is funny, but Dilberto could do actual harm.
People, one and all, I want to personally thank every one of you for providing me with some of the most colorful, quirky, and creative descriptions and adjectives I have encountered since my high school English class.
In this column, I particularly appreciate the reference to the shit sandwich (life is a shit sandwich and I just took a big bite — that one took me back!) and the outstanding aphorism “sneaked up on you like a fart in choir practice”, as well as the profoundly creative poetry and song lyrics, which should be auditioned on America’s Got Talent for the benefit of Howard Stern.
I am indebted to one and all of you!