A Tale of Two…

It was the best of time, it was the worst of times. That’s the opener to “A Tale of Two Cities”, widely cited as one of the greatest opening lines in history, along with “Call me Ishmael!” and a few others.* We’re gonna tell a tale of two programs. Too short a column for two cities, I guess.
Let’s start with the good news. The Army is trying to replace its aging H-60 helicopters, primarily because when you look at the parameters of helicopter performance and the potential of tilt-rotor units, the tiltrotor should win hands down – given that it works right, which with our current iteration of tilt-rotor V-22 Osprey: well, to be kind, there have been a few teething pains. Not sure how many columns here have talked about the Osprey crashes – given as many as there are and the mileage flown in them, the record is probably not s bad as it looks. But it is far from squeaky clean, too.
Bell, a Textron subsidiary, is developing the MV-75, which is based on its V-280 Valor tiltrotor, under the Army’s Future Long-Range Assault Aircraft (FLRAA) program. The service announced Bell had won the FLRAA competition in 2022, at which point the expectation was that the first examples would begin entering service in the mid-2030s.
Now, the MV-75 has yet to even fly – but the V-280 has been undergoing flight testing since 2017. According to Army Chief of Staff GEN. Randy George:
“We have a new tiltrotor aircraft, and it was supposed to be delivered in 2031-2032,” Gen. George told soldiers at Fort Drum. “And we said, ‘No, we need it very quickly.’ At the end of this year, we will actually have those flying and out in formations, in both Compo 1 [the active duty component] and Compo 2 [the Army National Guard], and in our SOF [Special Operations Forces] formations.”
The MV-75 promises a major boost in airmobile assault capability for the Army. The service expects the tiltrotors to offer roughly twice the range and speed of existing Black Hawks. Greater reach and being able to cover those distances faster would be particularly relevant in future operations in the Indo-Pacific region, where operating locations and objectives are likely be dispersed across large areas with limited options for making intermediate stops.
The record is not 100% clear, to be fair – the biggest issue is weight. As we keep adding capabilities, weight goes up. Per a report issued last summer:
“The preliminary design review also stated that the aircraft’s weight growth is putting certain planned mission capabilities, particularly regarding payload, at moderate risk,” the report says. “While the review noted that FLRAA has a plan to reduce approximately 270 pounds of weight, this falls short of the 2,000-pound reduction needed to reduce the payload risk from medium to low. Program officials stated that they are planning to conduct a system-level critical design review in late fiscal year 2025.” TWZ
Sounds like the usual – by the time we design something to do what all the program contributors want it to do, instead of a paper airplane we get a 747. Here’s hoping that the schedule improvements don’t ignore all the safety steps.

The Ford (below) and the Truman (above)
Moving along, the USS Gerald Ford (she of the problematic catapults and cranky elevators) seems to be having a few problems – it’s plumbing seems to be…well, crappy.
The Navy’s largest aircraft carrier, which heavily took part in the Jan. 3 airstrikes on Venezuela which led to the capture of Nicolas Maduro, keeps seeing its toilets break down. It’s an apparently ongoing problem that has plagued the ship for months, according to documents obtained by NPR.
The main issue is breakdowns with the ship’s Vacuum Collection, Holding and Transfer (or VCHT) system, which controls its toilets and sewage collection.
Or should we say the system sucks? Or – doesn’t?
The system is split across 10 independent zones and supports more than 600 toilets on the ship. According to Fleet Forces Command, the ship sees on average one maintenance call for the system per day, “typically resulting from improper materials being introduced into the system.”
AKA – T-shirts, clothing… but also:
System failures are often caused by calcium build ups that clog pipes. Some failures can, depending on their location in the ship, cause issues throughout the entire zone, another email obtained by NPR said. Acid flushes can clear and restore the system, but according to that 2020 GAO report, each flush costs the Navy $400,000. NPR found that the Ford’s pipes have gotten that treatment at least 10 times since 2023. Task & Purpose
Four MILLION bucks in plumbing repairs.
Perhaps as long as we’re being literary, we should rename her? I’m thinking of John D. MacDonald’s name for Travis McGee’s boat: The Busted Flush.
* Confession – I have always favored another opening line as my favorite, if anyone cares: “He was born with the gift of laughter, and a sense that the world was mad.”
Category: "Your Tax Dollars At Work", Army, Navy





I always thought that “Listen: Billy Pilgrim has become unstuck in time” was a great first line. Well, technically it’s the first line of chapter two, but that’s where the story begins.
There’s always this. . .
At least the opening line isn’t “It was a dark and stormy night”
Should have posted the above here, but saw it too late.
I’m glad that I have my DD214 woobie to keep me warm.
I’d hate to be a “test person” on one of those new tilt-a-whirl when something goes wrong (as inevitably it will).
Maybe the Navy needs to install a-butt-ments (see what I did there?) to the decks, with toilet seats, no plumbing, over the water, where the squids can just sit and shit, and it falls directly into the ocean.
Like what medieval castles had back-in-the-day.
Problem solved, plumbing fixed.
Secondary thoughts:
The ones who won’t like this simple system are the contractors who won’t make any money off of maintenance.
Why? There isn’t any! It’s just a hole over the side of the ship. What could be more simple?
They could always go to the head of the aircraft carrier to do their business and let it hang out in the wind like on old masted sailing ships.
My favorite opening line:
“No shit, there I was…”
I down voted only because you triggered a PTSD level memory of a particular E6 from my first boat. Still laughed but the down vote was from a place of Enlisted hate.
Hope you understand!
Your problem is with him, not me. My apologies for the trigger.
The difference between war stories and fairy tales: war stories begin, “No shit, I was there”, “This really happened”, “Ya ain’t gonna believe this”, etc; fairy tales begin, “Once upon a time”.
After having flown in the Osprey dozens of times I have to say it is superior to practically all helicopters in regards to speed, comfort and lift capability. The safety record is middle of the pack when compared to other military air craft.
https://defense.info/multi-domain-dynamics/2024/03/putting-the-osprey-safety-record-in-perspective/
15 losses out of 400 built
Compare this to say the A10 which has roughly five times the crash rate and has killed more US service members than all other Air Forces in the world combined in the last 50 years but everyone wanted to keep it because “Brrrrrrrrrrrttttt”.
https://simpleflying.com/a-10-warthog-safety-record/
I’ve had conflicted feelings about the Osprey for the very reasons you’ve stated. Documented accident rate is low, but it seems to be universally despised. I have no dog in this fight. I haven’t seen much about it from a flight crew perspective. I’m not disputing your facts, just real curious why it’s hated. My only experience with it is COB Speicher, they’d fly low and slow over our hooches on the way to D MAIN. Loudest fookin’ aircraft I’ve ever been under. Earth shaking. And there’s more to love about the A-10 than the Brrrrrrrrtttt, as awesome as that is. It’s loved because it works, does things the F-35 apparently can’t.
Our shit, shit paper (toilet paper) urine, vomit and cigarette butts went over the side while steaming, while not steaming and while tied up at the pier. Simple system…