Jurisprudential Special Olympics Winner! How you can help Branum defeat grammar.

Well, since my post yesterday went over roughly as well as a boisterous fart during the Thanksgiving Dinner blessing, I’ll hold back ridiculing the Birthers and World Nut Daily one more day.  Instead, I’ll go back to the standard classic of goofing on James Branum.

This morning I thought I would look for something wrong with his site.  In less than 5 minutes I filled up a legal pad.

[WARNING: What follows is an orgy of similes and metaphors. It is not intended for young children, expectant mothers, nor retarded Oklahoma based Resistance Lawyers.]

This guy does to the written language what Chris Brown did to Rihanna and romance.  It’s like he has a jihad against spelling and punctuation.  If grammar was a human, it would have been beheaded on YouTube.  It’s like Branum writing is as out of place as Jeffrey Dahmer releasing a cook book of his favorite recipes.  (How to Serve Humans.)  So, I’ll go over a few, but let’s see if you can go over there and identify the legion of errors that populate his shitty site.  Honestly, I would rather have Michael J. Fox do my dental work than read his page, but it is a sacrifice I make for you, my angry readers. He is roughly as accurate as an epileptic sniper. Even a retarded child rises above his level of discourse so quickly that he gets the bends. I would rather run naked, greased up, and blindfolded through the San Fran pride parade than read his stuff. (Then again, I am famously and flamboyantly gay.) He does to the legal profession what Gary Glitter does in Thailand. Anyway, enough of my jackassery.

(Ah screw it, there’s always room for Jello and Jackassery.

I would rather shave my nuts with Greg Louganis’ bloody razor than read his page. His grammar stinks worse than Ted Kennedy’s current suit. His thoughts tumble in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. His logic is like a little boat that gently drifts across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball does. The flaws in his logic are like a suicide jumper, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. His vocabulary is as bad as, like, whatever. He towers above his peers like a Bonsai tree. I would rather do hurdles wearing skinny jeans and a fiberglass thong than try to figure out what he is saying. I would rather teabag a piranha tank too. When his blog disappears, the absence will be unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can. His site is like a mix between animal pr0n, midget pr0n, and snuff films except without the artistic merit. His clients get less release than David Carradine in a Bangkok closet. He’s as effective at getting his clients off as a castrati gigolo.

(Thanks to the Sniper and The Donovan for several of those.)

First off, just kinda funny, but he has a link to the “Joy Mennonite Church” that he is apparently VERY involved in. He serves as their “Minister of Peace and Justice.” (This reminds me of my favorite bad guy name/title of all time: Adrian Vlok, Law and Order Minister for the Republic of South Africa.) Well James, Minister of Peace and Justice….Joy Mennonite has your name spelled wrong.

But, why should James give a shit about spelling, after all, he’s not exactly the Spelling Minister for the Republic of Douchebagistan. Take for instance his blog posting about a clemency filling for Victor Agosto. I mean, James, my man, you not only spelled “filing” wrong (he has “flling”), but you also spelled your clients name wrong. (Hint, there are very few folks names “Vcitor.”)

Regarding your links to your law schools and other stuff. Well done in the link to the University of Oklahoma City Law School. That one worked like a champ. You will no doubt be pleased to note that your school moved into the 137th place out of roughly 170 this year. (My law school is only 98 places ahead of yours.) However, your link to New College of California School of Law of San Francisco really ought to come down. The school was so ate up it lost its accreditation. Oh, and the second attempt you made at linking to the Oklahoma Center for Conscience…that isn’t a URL. I don’t know what in the hell you were going for, but not working.

His sentence structure alone makes me want to stab myself in the brain with a crayon dipped in hydrochloric acid. Let’s just start with this sentence:

I take cases based from servicemembers in the South Central Region of the US (see map below) as well as limited G.I. resistance cases from around the world

Dude, what in the holy mother of Spongebob does “cases based from servicemembers” mean? You do know that in English declarative sentences end with a period, right? And how is it you claim here that you do the South Central Region and “limited” GI cases from around the world, and then later that:

I have clients who reside in almost every state of the union and several foreign countries (many members of the US military today are not US citizens).

Anyway, moving on.

Actually, that’s about it for now I suppose.

Oh, except for this, yes, he really did spell “Lawyer” wrong on his facebook page no fewer than 3 times.

NOTE: All spelling and grammatical errors in this post are due to the fact that I am like an FBI profiler of stupid. I had to get inside the head of Branum to see how he thinks. And now, if you will excuse me, I will go and eat my frosted flakes out of a bedpan.

Category: Usual Suspects