The Summers Eve of Winter Soldiers: Matthis Chiroux and the Quest for the Holy Mushrooms of Auburn

I’m fairly certain at this point I don’t need to go over his bio, so let’s just dive into the stinking cesspool which is his Candidacy Statement:

Since publicly refusing my first deployment to Iraq last Spring, I have dedicated almost entirely my mind, body and finances to ending the criminal occupations of BOTH Iraq and Afghanistan and ensuring fair treatment for returning veterans and service members.

I like your use of CAPS for BOTH. It really moves me in a way that nothing usually moves me except dysentery and prune juice. As far as I know, your mind and finances have been dedicated to illicit substances, and your body to hookers, so good to know you have a new hobby.

For a year after my refusal, I organized and executed a grass-roots public defense campaign that resulted in my honorable discharge from the Army’s IRR which garnered wide spread media attention domestically and internationally.

Um, dipshit, you might want to check that discharge again. It wasn’t honorable, it was General under Honorable. Not the same thing.

I have extensive experience and success working with the U.S. Congress. As a board member, I will bring broad contacts from both sides of the isle to the center of IVAW’s strategic planning. As well, I have a great number of high-level connections and experience in the field of political communications that will greatly benefit this organization should I be elected to the board.

Really, name one success you had with Congress? Go ahead, I’ll wait. Name a piece of legislation you worked on that passed. And what “isle” are you talking about? I’m assuming you mean the “Isle of misfit toys”. Were you the train with square wheels, or the polka dot elephant? No wait, you were the pistol that shot Jelly weren’t you? You are such a misfit even King Moonracer banished you from the Isle. Remember, no one wants to play with a Matthis in the box.

I have organized and led many non-violent direct actions to further our points of unity, as well fought highly successful defense campaigns when civil disobedience led to the arrest of myself, our members and allies. I have never lost a defense campaign. No individual who I’ve been arrested with or helped defend has ever been convicted of any wrong-doing.

You have a startlingly poor grasp of our language. Beyond that, are you really arguing one of your strong suits is never having been convicted? What about when you only joined the Army to stay out of jail, does that count? I can’t help but remember the scene in Stripes:

Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That’s robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing?

– Convicted?

Yeah.

– No. Never convicted.

I am well known and respected throughout the Global Peace Movement and have worked tirelessly and effectively to repair damaged organizational relationships for IVAW. I have demonstrated a dedication to working with individuals of vast political views throughout my time as a veteran activist.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes Matthis, you are loved across the spectrum from Marxists to Trotskyists. (We play both kinds here, Country and Western.)

Though I have endured extensive, personal and highly libelous assault for my military resistance and dedication to truth, I have remained an active and highly-visible member of IVAW, demonstrating my dedication to the cause of peace and veteran justice beyond any measure of personal sacrifice.

Libelous assault? Are you kidding? Who libeled you snookums? And what sacrifice have you ever made in your entire life? The only people I see sacrificing are your Dad, step-mom, Blanka and a host of other people you have fleeced. Not to mention the movement which you’ve damaged by your unhinged jackassery. Should I keep going on about the tale of woe you’ve left in your wake?

But this part is my absolute fave!

As I said in my introduction, I have extensive contacts within the U.S. Congress, the field of Political Communications (most notably, I’m beginning an internship directly beneath David Fenton who has been described as the ‘Carl Rove of the progressive movement’), the media, the peace movement at large, and the National Lawyers Guild. I can find a free NLG lawyer for just about anyone at just about any time. I have extensive connections with a liberal Manhattan elite who, for better or for worse, would be VERY interested in further funding IVAW should they see us making tangible progress toward ending the occupations.

Yes, please for the love of God continue getting your brethren those shitty lawyers. I still haven’t found a single one of you who seems to have done better as a result of their efforts. I’d rather be represented by a drunken, priapic marmoset than NLG. Plus, I gotta say, a little creeped out by the phrase “beginning an internship directly beneath David Fenton”, I think that is illegal except in Nevada. Or are you not getting paid?

Further, I give you this to ponder:

Following my defense campaign, I returned in the area of $3K to IVAW, about half of the total funds donated to me by my supporters, and have been responsible for a number of other smaller grants (usually in the area of $250 each) to IVAW from New York-based companies specializing in investing client dollars in non-profit organizations, even if only for tax-write of reasons. I am not independently wealthy, so I’ve not been able to invest many Matthis dollars into IVAW as an organization, however to primarily fund my activism without drawing away from IVAW’s strained budget, I have taken roughly $15K in student loans which have been primarily used to further our points of unity and will be repaid by me alone. Again, I also have developed extensive connections with a Manhattan elite which IS looking to invest in organizations like ours if we can demonstrate tangible progress toward achieving our points of unity.

You guys made him pay for his own college? Inconceivable! Just a side note, I wonder if people actually like being referred to as the wealthy and liberal Manhattan elite.

And lastly, here is your answer to why Matthis does that passive aggressive shit so often:

There has been excessive in-fighting within the ranks of our current board which at times has exploded into a public spotlight on the internet and by word of mouth. Unfortunately, this example has been followed and is still being followed by a number of our members who feel public forums are the place to handle personal issues with other members. This is unfortunate, considering the greatest strength of our current board is the caliber of people serving on it, all of whom individually, I have great respect for. I look forward to using my conflict resolution skills to loosen the ideological dead-lock that has seemingly paralyzed our current board and IVAW as a whole…member disunity is tearing us apart, and my ability to endure undue criticism without “smashing back” will be a tremendous asset during this most tumultuous time.

Dude, you couldn’t conflict resolve your way out of a used condom.

Anyway, there you have it. I STRONGLY endorse Matthis for the Board. I want him on that thing so bad I can’t even begin to tell you, because bloggers need things to write about, and keeping this asshat in the limelight will mean plenty of fodder for Jonn and I.

Vote Matthis! WTF else ya gonna do?

Category: Politics