Lighten Up

| April 10, 2020

Jeff LPH 3 sends.

Social Distancing Report

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Bedroom

PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine…..will the producers of My 600 Pound
Life just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under

This message may contain outdated, useless information that an otherwise mature person would reject outright.

Email contains material that may be offensive to children, prudes, or those with rigid religious or political beliefs.

My intent is to amuse and/or inform, and any opinions contained herein, whether expressed or implied, do not necessarily reflect my opinions or beliefs.

Moreover, facts were not checked and no attempt was made to be politically correct.

The author indicated may not have had anything to do with this story.

In spite of all this, this may be informative.

The reader should apply due diligence and research all items received from the internet, there are people out there that will deceive you. The apostle Paul writes, “examine [test] everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good”

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Thanks Jeff.

Category: "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves", Guest Post, Humor, Satire

Comments (11)

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  1. 5th/77th FA says:

    Some had a drinking problem before the quarantine. Beware of basements…and staplers.

    Some were getting fatter before the quarantine. I blame Ex’s Thursdays are for cooking posts.

    Send the bill for all of this to the Chinese Communist Government. They did this.

  2. 26Limabeans says:

    “Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN”

    I was just there..they have take out beer.

  3. Combat Historian says:

    We’re going to the town recycle center this afternoon to drop off paper recycle, then to a steakhouse a few miles away to pick up supper; I’m all giddy with anticipation…

  4. Retired Master says:

    Can I have permission to pass these on to my unsuspecting people in my circle of friends?

  5. Skyjumper says:

    A bit of humor for the end of the week….(smile)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5kMdEh1v0I

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojrtwXqqc6g

    If you get an e-mail with the subject”knock, knock”.
    Don’t open it…….
    It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.
    —————————————————

  6. Steve says:

    Love it!!