Stimulus Checks

| April 7, 2020

Humor. Jeff LPH 3 sends.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another economic stimulus payment.

It is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?
A: From taxpayers.

Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?
A: Only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new SUV, thus stimulating the

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy
with and your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* if you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan or China.
* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* if you buy a reliable car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.
* if you pay off your credit card or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or
(2) Go to a ballgame (if they ever resume), or
(3) Spend it on prostitutes, or
(4) Beer, or
(5) Tattoos
(These are about the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.

Obvious omissions include guns, ammo, and bourbon. Thanks, Jeff.

Category: "Your Tax Dollars At Work", Guest Post, Humor, Satire

Comments (37)

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  1. MI Ranger says:

    Great advice. I was not aware all the useless stuff comes from Taiwan!?
    I like ASUS computer parts.

  2. Comm Center Rat says:

    How is a prostitute like peanut butter?

    They both spread for the bread!

    • NHSparky says:

      You hear about the new blonde paint?

      It’s cheap, not too bright, and spreads real easy.

  3. 26Limabeans says:

    My GF asked me if I had gotten a stimulus check.
    I told her no but I’m ready anytime she is.

  4. Sapper3307 says:

    Lots off new/used guns will be available soon.

  5. Roh-Dog says:

    I’m gonna take that chit and buy some shit, garden needs manure, and my baby quail need a hutch soon so maybe some lumber.
    The rest will be used to pay down the credit card that was run up for apocalypse supplies before this started.
    I agree with Ed, a little bourbon will help treat the sting of authoritarianism.

    • 5th/77th FA says:

      “…a little bourbon will help treat the sting of authoritarianism.” Yep…’specially when the bourbon is chased with a Yuengling. Can’t get more American than that. Not even sure if any of my money will be sent to me in the form of a stimulating direct deposit. Even if it is, I owe the feds just north of 1200 USD for 2019 tax bill. And people forget, that stimuli money will be taxed as income for this year.

      The $ sent to folks in real need doesn’t bother me near as much as the 1 dot whatever TRILLION USD added as demonrat pork to the bill. Has there been a true accounting of what all is in THAT part of this boondoggle?

      • OWB says:

        Have heard US Senators on both sides of the aisle say that this is not taxable. (They wouldn’t lie, would they?)

      • Ex-PH2 says:

        The IRS says it is not taxable.

        • 5th/77th FA says:

          Not really sure gang…except about the part from OWB on Senators lying. That I AM sure of…yes they will…like a rug. Saw some little blurb that it is considered part of an advance on NEXT year’s anticipated tax refund and it would mean your tax refund for next year may be less. Very seldom do I see a refund and I generally have a goodly amount taken out. I pay an Enrolled Agent CPA a tidy little sum every year to fight that battle for me. I do vaguely remember the little stimulus money that Bush Jr sent out after 9/11 was enough to kick my income into the next higher bracket and it cost me more than what the check was. Don’t recall seeing anything from the oblowme years.

          Again, I’m quite concerned with all the padding that went into the whole thing, and how the kongress kritters of the house are lining their paychecks and pockets with our money. They did grant themselves a raise in all of this, didn’t they? And said raise was well deserved what with the fine job they have done over the last few years? Right?

        • 26Limabeans says:

          The state says thank you for the sales tax
          when you spend it. Drive them nuts. Save it.

  6. 26Limabeans says:

    Mine will go into the local credit union where
    they can lend it out the to local farmers who produce
    food for the country. Potatoes and Brocolli are
    big crops in Aroostook County.
    I will earn .85 percent on the deal.

  7. Berliner says:

    Haven’t received mine but Monday I mailed my quarterly stimulus check to the IRS, which by January 15, 2021, my checks will be cancelled out by their own check to me. (fingers crossed)

  8. Ex-PH2 says:

    I will believe it when I see it. If it gets here, fine, but the only thing I want/need is a printer/copier. Maybe some flowers for the front steps.

    Weren’t there supposed to be two of these payouts, or something like that?

  9. Slow Joe says:

    I am putting everything into the TSP.

  10. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    The Federal Government is the only entity in the country that can take something from under the full threat and weight of the Government, then give you a portion of that back and pretend they’ve done you a favor.

    At least this virus proves what a bunch of pussies we’ve become…

    Cold dead hands my ass, all we needed to do is scare all these supposed tough guys with the plague and everyone surrenders their businesses, their incomes, and their right to move freely about the countryside without a whisper of dissent. Ohio’s Supreme Court is even trying to decide if you own a firearm whether or not you’re allowed to be drunk in YOUR OWN home with said firearm…

    $1200 is a fucking joke against the loss of health care, income, and business to those displaced by questionable martial law decrees disguised as public health decrees.

    • NHSparky says:

      As a former NM resident, I remember hearing about the $50 checks they mailed out right about the time Bush43 mailed out the $600 stimulus checks.

      At the time, some number cruncher figured out that the state of NM had to take in at least $80 in revenue for every $50 check it shat out–and then as now, not everyone got it.

      I’m just curious how much the feds had to take in for every dollar they’re going to “give” back to us…well, most of us, anyway.

      • Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

        i understand if you count the corporate bailout they are putting us all 18,000 deeper in debt for our $1200….seems like a great return right?

  11. 26Limabeans says:

    “right to move freely about the countryside”

    “martial law decrees disguised as public health decrees”

    Glad to see you are paying attention.
    That makes two of us.
    Another week or so of this and the wings will come off.
    Anybody got a model of that scenario?

    • 5th/77th FA says:

      Make that at least 3 of us. I am scared to look and see what kind of hit my 401K took. And mine is stuck in so fairly safe spots, but I know I lost more than any 1200 I may and or may not see. I won’t live long enough for it to be replaced and can’t work to add to it. Watching the sheeple run about depleting the stores would be funny except for worrying about folks that buy only for a week or so at a time.

      I repeat…send the bill to the Communist Chinese Government, fully investigate the kongress kritters and bio labs that may have aided and abetted, reset the stock market to what it was the day before the crash started, and bring our manufacturing capability back home.

      • NHSparky says:

        If it’s less than 25 percent YTD, consider yourself lucky.

      • I lost around the same amount you did 5th/77 FA on my 401K and every other day, I got letters with the amounts jumping up and down depending on what the panic stock market traders were doing. Actually it’s paper and will recover as things get better.

      • borderbill says:

        That’s four of us…..five….six. Still more of us than “them”.

  12. Talking about refunds, The National Hurricane Conference up in Orlando was cancelled and today would have been my second day up there so the initial conference fee was $375.00 and they deposited $325 to my Visa card. The missing 50 bucks was the enrollment fee I imagine for setting up the conference name tags and everything else that it costs to enroll. If I wanted to go to New Orleans next year, the full amount would be used for that but no plans for next year, so easy come, easy go.

  13. Andy says:

    Without reading through all of the comments, I hope I am not repeating another’s comment.
    Gun stores should be sought out in earnest with the stimulus check. Preferably one that is a one off and not a chain store. What better way to spend money the Dems didn’t want us to have on things they don’t want us to have? Now, that’s what I call a FU Nancy.

  14. How many rolls of TP can one buy with $1,200.00.

  15. Inbred Redneck says:

    I gotta ask. Do I get to pick out the hooker’s tattoo or does she?

  16. Old tanker says:

    If you buy an unreliable car, does that mean the money stays in the US??