The Festival of John Moses Browning

| January 23, 2020

Today we celebrate the birthday of John Moses Browning, and his Gospel. Sit you down and harken.

1 In the beginning was the 1911, and the 1911 was THE pistol, and it was good. And behold the Lord said, “Thou shalt not muck with my disciple John’s design for it is good and it workith. For John made the 1911, and lo all of his weapons, from the designs which I, the Lord, gave him upon the mountain.”

2 “And shouldst thou muck with it, and hang all manner of foul implements upon it, and profane its internal parts, thou shalt surely have malfunctions, and in the midst of battle thou shalt surely come to harm.”

3 And as the ages passed men in their ignorance and arrogance didst forget the word of the Lord and began to profane the 1911. The tribe of the gamesman did place recoil spring guides and extended slide releases upon the 1911 and their metal smiths didst tighten the tolerances and alter parts to their liking, their clearness of mind being clouded by lust.

4 Their artisans did hang all manner of foul implements upon the 1911 and did so alter it that it became impractical to purchase. For lo, the artisans didst charge a great tax upon the purchasers of the 1911 so that the lowly field worker could not afford one. And the profaning of the internal parts didst render it unworkable when the dust of the land fell upon it, and these profaners didst try and fit more rounds of ammunition into the magazines than the holy number of seven, appointed for the .45.

5 And lo, they didst install adjustable sights, which are an abomination unto the Lord. For they doth break and lose their zero when thou dost need true aim. And those who have done so will be slain in great numbers by their enemies in the great battle.

6 And it came to pass that the Lord didst see the abomination wrought by man and didst cause, as he had warned, fearful malfunctions to come upon the abominations and upon the artisans who thought they could do no wrong.

7 Seeing the malfunctions and the confusion of men, the lord of the underworld did see an opportunity to further ensnare man and didst bring forth pistols made of plastic, whose form was such that they looked and felt like a brick, yet the eyes of man being clouded, they were consumed by the plastic pistol and did buy vast quantities of them.

8 And being a deceitful spirit, the lord of the underworld did make these plastic pistols, filled with tiny springs and parts that were easily lostc, and they were unmenable to the artisans of earth so they were unable to muck much with the design, and lo these pistols did appear to function.

9 And the evil one also brought forth pistols in which the trigger didst both cock and fire them and which require a “dingus” to make them appear safe.

10 But man being stupid did not understand these new pistols and didst proceed to shoot themselves with the plastic pistol and with the trigger cocking pistols for lo their manual of arms required great intelligence which man had long since forsaken. Yet man continue to gloat over these new pistols blaming evil forces for the negligent discharges which they themselves had committed.

11 And when man had been totally ensnared with the plastic pistol, the lord of the underworld didst cause a plague of the terrible Ka-Boom to descend upon man and the plastic pistols delivered their retribution upon men. And there was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the land.

12 Then seeing that the eyes of man were slowly being opened and that man was truly sorrowful for his sinful misdeeds, the Lord did send his messengers in the form of artisans who did hear and obey the teachings of the prophet and who didst restore the profaned 1911s to their proper configuration, and lo, to the amazement of men they didst begin to work as the Lord had intended.

13 And the men of the land didst drive out the charlatans and profaners from the land, and there was joy and peace in the land, except for the evil sprits which tried occasionally to prey on the men and women of the land and who were sent to the place of eternal damnation b by the followers of John.

Now go ye forth and sin no more.
Amen.

Hat tip to Roh-Dog for the gentle reminder.

Category: Guns, Historical, The Warrior Code

Comments (21)

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  1. Roh-Dog says:

    Having had the blessings of JMB’s magnum opus in my hands, the venerable Ma Deuce, I have to thank the Great Bloodthirsty Infantry God for giving us mortals such Men!

  2. SFC D says:

    And I saw heaven opened, and behold a white horse; and he that sat upon him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he doth judge and make war.

    Revelations 19:11.

  3. The Other Whitey says:

    My children are protected every night by the holy pistol of Saint John Moses Browning. Its external visage is modified with a delta hammer and tritium sights, but its inner workings remain unprofaned. Thus it is the weapon under which my children sleep safely.

    Glory to God in the highest, and may He eternally bless His holy armorer Saint John Moses Browning of Ogden.

    • SFC D says:

      My Great-great-great grandpa built the first furniture manufacturing company in Ogden, apparently not far from St. John’s shop. Always wondered if they were associates. Could’ve happened, but just like Lizzie Warren’s native ancestry, there is no proof.

      • 5th/77th FA says:

        Very good possibility that they were, SFC D. Somebody had to make the stocks and the grips for him. Plus, back then, most business men were at least socially acquainted with one another. Check the archives of the newspapers and I’d bet that there would be a reference to follow up on. When the late unpleasantness of 1861 broke out, one of the furniture makers in Macon GA started making walnut rifle stocks for the Cook Bros and the Richmond Armories.

  4. Ex-PH2 says:

    Well done! Well done! (Loud applause off-screen!)

  5. 5th/77th FA says:

    KoB wept.

    Sing Praise to the Saintly John Moses Browning (Howitzer be his name). As we Toast his masterpieces with coffee having his blued steeled strength and a Zinger Cake with the sweetness of the action we humbly Thank AW1Ed for the bringing of the readings of his word. A special HT to our Brother Roh-Dog in the reminding of the duty there of. God and JMB are in their Heavens and all is right in the World.

    • Roh-Dog says:

      We please to aim!

    • The Stranger says:

      Zingers? You’re like my brother from another mother! I especially like the raspberry coconut ones…

      See, Engineers do not live by Beer alone(although we sure do try!)

      Oh, and praise be to the one true prophet of pistols!

  6. RetiredDevilDoc8404 says:

    Amen. And praise be to the Sainted JMB giver of the the 1911 and immortal Ma-Deuce slayer of evil these many years. Blessed be the giver of these divine implements to do His work! (And make the grass grow)

  7. Wilted Willy says:

    AMEN!

  8. JacktheJarhead says:

    From his Apostle, Gun Jesus.

  9. OWB says:

    Ah, yes.

    Heard a rumor that an acquaintance has one of those thangs that came home with somebody from WWI and has remained on the same property ever since. Only time it left was to allow the guys at the local gun shop to drool upon it.

    Or so I heard.

  10. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    When I carried the 60 the 1911 was issued as my sidearm, I loved that pistol…I still love that pistol.

  11. SFC D says:

    MRS D and I are both acolytes of Saint John, although her conversion was initially reluctant. It took some persuading to get her to fire my 1911, having never fired anything other than her .38 Special. After her second shot, her eyes opened wide, her smile widened, and she placed the next 5 shots center mass in quick succession. It was truly a religious experience, I swear I heard a choir of angels. Alas, I was forced to buy her a 1911 of her own, because she would not return mine.

  12. rgr1480 says:

    Icon painting of St. John Moses Browning:
    https://www.ckdevgroup.com/product/saint-john-browning

  13. MI Ranger says:

    I am ashamed to admit that I have profaned my host holy weapon with a higher capacity than 7, seven be thy number. I duth render it unto the shadow box for which it was brought forth, a remembrance of my time in the land of torment, toil, and much thought.

  14. BruteLarson407 says:

    The Ithaca-made ones were tack drivers. Most had a sort of O.D. lite-ish Park-job. I don’t know if that was contract or our Gunner’s-Mates. It didn’t look new. Colonel Cooper was right. It was nice having something that was, “not fair.”