Shoplifting Captain phony
Sorry, guys, the prosecutor asked us to take it down, because now it’s evidence, but, well, you know, you can still talk about the Secretary of the Army shoplifting dude.
But that’s not the oddest shoplifting story in the PX I’ve ever heard. Remember in 1993 when the Secretary of the Army was arrested at the Fort Meyer, VA PX for shoplifting women’s clothing? I do, so does the New York Times.
Category: Phony soldiers, Shitbags
WTF indeed.
Sounds like he needs a throat punch, and his “spouse” needs to get smoked for marrying someone so terminally effin stupid.
Seriously, if you haven’t go to the link above and read some of the comments, you MUST!
These made me laugh out loud in front of the entire office…
1. ” He went that far for a Yankee Candle….what would he do for a Klondike Bar?? ”
2. ” Did his room smell good when you got there at least ?”
In the “old days” they would be thrown off base.
The E-1 CAN’T afford all that stuff. But that doesn’t stop AAFES from allowing her ass-hat husband to run up debt on her Military Star Card.
“I guess privates marry shitbags no matter what sex they are.”
Too funny.
And the servicemember will get crushed for the actions of an ignorant spouse/dependent.
Clowns.
clearly this uniform is a memorial to some captain in this guys family that was in the navy with a CIB, Ranger tab and long tab. (does anyone other than the navy wear white?) totally legit explanation
If the Pvt is smart, she’ll survey the dumb ass.
He probably sits at home, spends all the money, and plays X-Box all day anyway.
See, this is why boyfriends are better deals than husbands.
No alimony, and if they don’t like your cooking, you can tell them to find the door, go through it, and don’t let it hit them on the way out.
Does he get credit for showing restraint in only posing with Senior wings not Master? I admire his thoughtful rearrangement of the order of precedence of ribbons. BS with V and PH below those other important and hard to earn awards. What a dufus!
@ Smitty:
The new Army Service Uniform, the version of the blues that replaced the Green Class A/B uniform, uses a white shirt. This appears to be the long sleeved “Class B” version. And yes, it looks incredibly dorky.
“The charges against [Acting Secretary of the Army] Shannon were dismissed after he agreed to attend a shoplifting prevention program and perform community service. He was subsequently hired as a month-to-month contracted consultant by the Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Logistics to study inventories and advise the military on which parts and supplies to keep on hand in what quantities.”
You see how that works? First, he attends a shoplifting PREVENTION program. Yeah, I’ve heard of that. But I heard it called something else: the 8th Commandment. Then, he gets hired by who?
I guess he must have had two overseas tours. He’s sporting two OSRs!
Sheesh, what a dumbass.
For all the money the husband spent setting up that “uniform,” he could have BOUGHT the candle.
Green Thumb, How true. I know I made E-6 twice because of something my ex-wife did without my knowlege.
The Airborne oval looks like it was made from construction paper. Maybe my old eyes are failing me?
Is that Parachute Wing backing cut out construction paper?
thanks Jonn!
Even posers won’t put on the vaunted SAPPER tab
im pretty sure that every uniform i wore in the army is now unauthorized. sad thing is, i only got out in 06!
so for all the effort these posers put into their fake uniforms, perhaps they should try this little website
http://rackbuilder.armyawards.com/
just google rack builder and ya get all kinds of options.
Smitty, I think the wear out date for the old green dress uniform is 4th quarter FY 2014, so you would still be good, but I bet you would catch a ton of shit from 1SG if you tried to wear it for an inspection.
As far as memorable shoplifting stories, I think the best I heard was when I was in Germany. Some new PFC fresh off the plane decided to shoplift one of those .99 cent US/German plug adapters. Yea, that did not end well. Field grade ART 15, reduction to E1, 45 and 45, and loss of 2 weeks pay for two months. Hell of a way to start your tour.
ouch, i had a PFC bring his civi .45 into country in ’04, he got the same treatment as your .99 cent shop lifter. not sure if my guy got off easy or yours a little harsh.
Most memorable shoplifting story from my career: an ROTC cadet in the class before me tried to shoplift some cheap crap at the PX shoppette at Fort Lewis during ROTC Advance Camp and got caught. This cadet was a good leader and had actually completed airborne school and air assault school before advance camp. He was caught and arrested and thrown out of advance camp, and soon thereafter was bounced out of the advanced ROTC program, and ended up as an E-1 in a USAR unit somewhere, where he ignominiously ended his military career after a single enlistment…
We had an Advance Camp Cadet get busted for shoplifting at Bragg before he even reported into camp. Shortest military career ever.
#7 SMITTY:
Yes, the United States Army does (or did when I was in) have a dress white uniform for both enlisted ranks and commissioned officers.
It’s rare to see it, though.
When I was in Korea, I saw my commanding general wearing the dress white uniform.
A fellow member of the Mormon church, who was a staff sergeant, bought a dress white uniform to wear in the temple (where only white clothing is worn).
Of course, I got out of the Army many years ago, and things do change.
So, does the United States Army still have a dress white uniform today?
John, can I get the pic emailed to me? You may still have it from a few days ago.
#26 NavCWORet:
Are you talking to ME?
Or another guy named John?
I’m sorry, but I don’t have a clue what you’re referring to.
Best shoplifting story EVER:
I was S-3 of a school battalion that trained our branch Captain’s Career Course. It was a popular school for foreign students, so we had several in each class.
One day, I got a call from the Provost Marshall’s office; they had arrested a foreign student…a Major who was in the Captain’s Course…at the PX. He had ripped some pages from a Playboy magazine, secluded himself in the changing room, and proceeeded to pleasure himself to completion. Then stuck the pages in his bodily fluids on the side wall of the changing cubicle.
When confronted, he proclaimed that nothing would happen to him because he was a member of the ruling house of his kingdom.
Yeah, no, not so much.
Next day a large black limo with diplomatic plates showed up outside the Battalion HQ, and the Major left in the company of two very large, swarthy, unhappy men with dark glasses.
I have another one, if anybody wants to hear it, but it’s a Joe, not a foreign Major.
@25 The dress white uniform is either gone or going away with the same wear-out date as the green Class As.
As far as shoplifting stories, good point that the “captain” uniform cost as much as probably a few of those candles.
I had a PV2 in Afghanistan a couple years ago steal a video game from the KAF PX. They caught him on surveillance and within a couple hours of the theft tracked him down. He was one of my few problem children that year. Silliest part was he had enough cash for the game in his pocket.
We had a private (new to the unit) arrested in the PX. He stole a $50 watch all the while holding over $1,000 in cash for travel pay. The 1SG was really impressed at that level of stupid.
@28, come on, everyone loves hearing about Joe screwing up, makes us feel better knowing our screwup soldiers weren’t the worst out there. When I was still a Joe myself I had a NCO give me this advice “Andy, if you ever put on stripes know this, you will spend 95% of your time dealing with 5% of your soldiers”
Andy, he was dead-balls-on-target.
One of my 5-percenters (an actual Crips gang member, it turns out) recieved ANOTHER Artcle 15 and was serving his penance in the form of loss of pay and restriction. Unfortunately, he screwed up right before the holidays.
So, something that happens more often than you think happens: a parent calls. My 1SG comes into the office and tells me Dipshit’s Dad is on the phone.
We both roll our eyes, and I pick up the phone expecting a “please don’t be mean to my baby” conversation.
Turns out, his Dad is a retired 1SG, and starts off the conversation with an apology for how f’d up his kid is, but ultimately asks if I would consider letting the little dumbass off restriction to go home for the holidays. I was feeling charitable, it being Christmastime, and the kid had been toeing the line, so I relented.
We let him off restriction at 1600 the next day.
At 1645 I got a call from the MPs that he had…say it with me….shoplifted at the PX.
The NEXT conversation with his dad was epic. Hispanic 1SG(ret) ranted for about 10 minutes, then ended with, “sir, I apologize again. When you’re ready to put his dumb ass out of the Army, you tell me. I’ll come get him.”
My 1SG coordinated it all. When Dipshit was driven to Gate 5 at Campbell he was pretty smug. When my 1SG stopped outside the gate next to his dad’s truck, the kid went pale.
Top’s description: “No shit, sir, his dad grabbed him by the back of the neck and LITERALLY kicked his ass all the way to the truck, yelling about how he embarrased the family, and his mother was crying at home and stuff. Seriously, I’m not sure the kid will make it to Texas alive.”
Then we grinned at each other and high-fived.
Theses sound like “Fatt” Scott stories.
@27, no the John who runs this blog. John Lilyea.
evidence? WTF that prosecutor is over reaching and has
no rights to ask that. moron did it- cant help if dickweed was stupid.
Shoplifting? That is SO petty! That is as nothing to this short, but stupid story, which I saw happen myself.
When I was at the Naval Photo Center in the WH Editorial (MOPIC) department, a rather wifty-looking LTJG borrowed (checked out of equipment locker) a rather expensive 16MM Arriflex sound motion picure camera and tripod. These were subsequently reported stolen from this same LTJG’s POV.
A month later, the same LTJG checked out a 16MM sound projector, which same projector was likewise reported stolen from his POV.
He also showed up that week with some peculiar bruises on both of his wrists.
Subsequent investigation, including discovery of a batch of 16MM film that he wanted to edit after hours on one of the new Steenbeck flatbed editing tables, was enhanced when someone in my duty section found him editing some questionable material that was seized and proved to be hardcore porn.
The LTJG was subsequently fired.
And I use that term loosely.
@32; This isn’t a shoplifting story, but another epic parent story.
When I was stationed at Schofield Barracks we had a kid show up, sign in, and immediatly go AWOL. He stayed on the beach until he ran out of money. He called his mom and asked her to send money so he could fly home. She told him to stay at such-and-such place. She then flew to Hawaii, snatched his ass up, and then drug his ass back to Battalion and turned him in. Turns out her father and his grandfater was a WW2 veteran.
Maybe not the best shop-lifting story ever, but…..My USAR unit was mobilized soon after 9/11 to Fort Bragg. About 6 months into our mobilization the boss gets a phone call from the Provost Marshall, it seems one of our stellar Captains had been caught shoplifting some cognac from the Class VI store. Damn if that Courts Martial didn’t drag on forever.
Girl Gen. (busted to Col.) Janis Karpinski, CO of the 800th MP (Abu Ghraib idiots)shoplifting perfume as a Col. in 2002 at McDill AFB. She still made general. It was used against her when her unit’s sorriness came to light.
I’ll just leave this one here. Not exactly shoplifting, but kinda fits in with this a-hole.
The item in question starts at the bottom of the page and continues on the next page.
http://books.google.com/books?id=iWCujh3caEAC&pg=PA191&lpg=PA192&ots=W-4p4vvmvL&dq=%22stealing+beef+assholes%22