Finally, a submariner braggart
Mike sends us a link to the story about a Washington State man who was arrested by federal authorities for sending threatening emails to the President. His name is Anton Caluori and he compounded his crime by attacking the federal agents, apparently, which is always smart.
Mike also looked the dude up on LinkedIn and it looks like he built our whole nuclear Navy all by hisseff;
Submarine Machinist Mate
Preformed: nuclear reactor change out, multiple sub-surface ICBM missile launches (Atlantic and Pacific ranges), >500,000 miles at sea (below the water line), hundreds of “Classified” and “Top Secret” operations at sea and on land, several artic and equatorial patrols, presidential recommendation upon captain, crew and vessel, surveillance and counter-surveillance of land mass, aerial, and surface target/contacts, nuclear weapons loading and off-loading, 100 hour work weeks import and at sea.
500,000 miles at sea, huh? Well the Earth’s circumference is only 24,000 miles, so I guess he was firing missiles from deep space. And on what “Top Secret” missions would the Navy send a machinist’s mate “on land”? And oh, yeah, it’s spelled “performed” and “Arctic”.
So, now you bubbleheads won’t feel left out.
Category: General Whackos
Well, if NHSparky had been a boomer-rider, I’d say he’d be about to go ballistic. But that won’t work. And due to PC considerations I can’t say he’ll go “large primate”-shit or “sweet tropical fruits with a thick yellow peel”, either.
So I’ll just have to say he’ll go “Bonzo”.
Oh, wait – “Bonzo” was a chimpanzee in a movie! I screwed up! I’m so sorry.
Well, no – I’m really not. (smile)
And any Squid worth his “salt”, Bubble head or surface target, know that the correct navel term is “In Port”
and doggone I spelled Naval wrong to boot…….
“Preformed”? WTF is this guy going on about?
I think he was huffing shoe cleaner when he wrote that, AW1 Tim. And the LinkedIn post looks like a prime example of “huffing and puffing”, too. (smile)
He’s just your run-of-the-mill nutbag. His threat wasn’t racial or political. He wanted Obama to send him to Alcatraz or something. And they wanted so badly for this guy to be a tea party type.
What do you expect from an A-Ganger? (For the ground pounders A-Ganger = Great group of guys that while being mentally challenged upon reporting to their first boat, usually quickly learn the various systems and operational processes through numerous episodes of having their teeth kicked in by their older division members. A-Gangers are often treated the same as your redneck cousin whom lives by the motto: here, hold my beer and watch this and require additional supervision with limits of duties and responsibilities.)
Wow, this guy says that he actually received an MBA? Just read the Summary section of his LinkedIn page, he is totally bonkers.
If in fact he did serve in the USN, he was not a Nuke. He did not serve the full Nuclear Power Program service commitment (six years active IIRC, is that still the requirement?), and the service schooling he lists makes it look like he was a conventional Machinist Mate/A-Ganger. He may have entered the service as Nuke designated, but likely he failed out along the way, and had to serve whatever additional commitment he accrued due to the schooling he did receive (resulting in the odd four years and eleven months time in service).
Again, I absolutely love that Summary section. A few excerpts:
“Eager to take charge in life and death situations and can make the toughest decisions at any time (situation and circumstance dependent).”
“An astrological leader that inspires and infuriates.”
“I can tailor a 500 year plan for your business similar to the Chinese 500, if you wish it done.”
Wow. Just Wow.
@#7 Yep that is your typical A-Ganger…good decription of A-gang through out the fleet…I know Cuz I was in R-Div and had to work with those guys!
Well, a first. Someone who actually wanted to be a missile tech? Six years as an MT and I only got to do one “sub-surface ICBM” missile launch, and that was a DASO.
I guess that it’s a better life than diving sanitary tanks, but not much.
Hmmm. . Maybe he was an in-flight missle crew member and repairer. That would explain at least some of the douchbaggery.
That MBA? Keller Graduate School of Management of DeVry University. That’s a selling point.
Wow. What a vivid imagination! 20+ trips around the globe! Or was he doing those as roundtrip voyages between Earth and the moon? This guy should have taken up writing stories. Even Dr. Who would find him mind-boggling.
What I don’t get for the life of me is that spell-check is on my computers and embedded in most browsers. if you are proud of your service, real or imagined, at least care to spell properly. Sigh.
Andy
Wow, a fake nuke! Never thought I’d see it.
I agree with #8, because that’s exactly how it works. Six year commitment if you make it through school. It’s a four year enlistment, plus 2 years active, then 2 years IRR. The active/IRR combo is to make up time for schooling, which is roughly 2 years, so they get a full 4 years’ enlistment out of a trained plant operator. Guy probably got through MM ‘A’ school, failed out during Power School, and was shipped to Groton for a four year hitch as a ‘ganger.
astrological leader? Does that mean he plots missile launch routes with Tarot Cards? Or does he plot underwater courses looking at his horoscope in the NYT?
Personally, I think our boy is really Joe Biden. My thinking is that there simply cannot be two Americans that stupid. Chinese 500 year plan? Gotta be Joe.
Surprised he didn’t claim to be a space shuttle door gunner…
Poohbah, he just had SO MANY other things to do, what with launching nuclear ICBMS and all, he just didn’t have time to be a door gunner.
I’d say it’s possible he’s for real – nukes aren’t exactly famous for being well-adjusted.
As far as the enlistment dates, well, it’s not exactly hard to end your career early in nuke-world if you do the wrong thing at the wrong time, and end up on the wrong end of the green table.
AnotherNuke: perhaps, but the timeline of his service stretches his claims well past the point I’d consider plausible.
Given the rather extensive training required, his 4 yr 11 mo service would allow him at most 4 years of sea duty – or, more precisely, at most 4 6-month deployments (I believe that’s the norm). That’s approx 720 days at sea, or 17,280 hours.
500,000 miles is approx 434,782 NM. To travel that distance in 720 days, his boat would have to maintain an average speed of 25.16 knots – for the entire time they were underway – on each of 4 180-day deployments.
Pardon me if I don’t exactly find that particularly believable, particularly since he’s claiming SSBN service. I could easily be wrong, though.
Hondo- You forgot a few things-
1. Obviously, since it was TS, they were chasing Ivan all over the place, so they had to maintain speed just to keep up.
2. On your distances, your forgot to add the descent/ascent distances. Down 3,000 ft, up 3,000 feet. See? That’s a mile back each time. Kinda adds up goin’ up n down in your bunk all the time…
Yeah, and I’ll bet that sub he was on was using the caterpillar drive from Red October, too.
Sub posers?
What was the pickup line, “Come to my place and let me show you where I store the missile.” ?
This dude probably spent a lot of time cleaning genetic material out of his clothing…
Re #20 – You’re correct, he could have been a nuke and then booted out before his scheduled EOAS with an other-than-honorable for whatever reason(s). But if so, why didn’t he list NPS and NPTU as part of his military edumacation?
As a former target nuke-puke MM working the secondary side, I found it was rare that conventional MM’s we worked alongside with and/or supervised didn’t have some sort of cock-eyed reasoning why they could have been a nuke, but …. (fill in your choice of explanation/reason/rationale/excuse).
@20- dunno, man. With class-up times and schooling, you can chop 2 years off the top. That means in 2 years and 11 months he would have to qual senior in rate AND fuck it up bad enough to be discharged early. We had a guy on my ship step a little too hard on the gas when throttlemen were hands off, if you read what I’m getting at. He was de-nuked, but they didn’t discharge him. Frankly, I can’t imagine someone fucking up worse than that without making the news, and he still made six. Just that the last ones were as a conventional ET.
There’s no way this guy was a nuke.
Of course, he could’ve been tossed for admin sep or drugs or something, but still… you’d think he’d list the schooling on his resume.
Based on his certifications, I’d say he served on a boat as an A-Ganger. I’d aslo suspect that he was nuke waste as well. How the hell do you do what appears a refueling overhaul and 500000 nautical miles “below the water line” and all that other bullshit in just 4 years. I’m surprised that he didn’t put that he was COW, DOOW, EWS, EOOW, and OOD qualified as well.
I bet the only thing “Top Secret” he was involved with included his patrol sock.
@24 How about “Come over to my place and I will show you what Emergency Deep means”?
#29, saw a great hat once that had a set of Dolphins and the legend “US Navy Submariner,
Emergency Blow me.
I think he was probably a Nuke washout who was sent to A-Div to serve out his 4. The 11 months was probably how far he made it through the program before biting the dust. I have to say that I always respected the hell out of the A-Gangers. Any non-qual knows how many system siggies those guys control. They were Jacks of All Trades and the masters of innovation, fixing stuff at sea. I swear they could have made a spare boat with a TDU can and a roll of EB Green.
As far as the missile launches, I was onboard for 5 on the ustafish. 4 in a ripple shot (way cool) and a single during DASO.
No way this clown was M-Div. A-gang yes, but not a nuke. Notice how he has “small engine” and Diesel quals–that’s A-gang shit. Literally, shit.
And no way in hell he put anywhere near that much time on the pond to get 500K miles at 5 knots to nowhere. Let’s say just for shits and giggles he got to the boat at the two-year point (about right for nuke wastes.) That means 3 years on the boat, meaning AT MOST six patrols. Transit to box, steam around for 70 days at 5 knots–I know, I’m oversimplifying it, Bobo and Ray–then transit back, do ORSE or TRE depending on which patrol, lather, rinse, repeat.
Figure AT MOST 15-20K nautical miles per patrol. No more than 100 K miles in his entire career, if that. And there’s no way in hell he did both east and west coast boats–he was OWT (Out Without Transfer.)
I did ONE patrol and we did a DASO (two missiles) and steamed maybe 15 K miles the whole time.
Five Westpacs, and if we did more than 30K in any of them I’d be surprised.
Yeah, I had a lot of respect for the shit-pumpers, because on a boat where EVERYONE works their asses off, they seemed to do a whole hell of a lot more with a whole lot less.
Unless you were this one MM1 I knew who fucked up the Diesel Emergency Cutout and because of it we couldn’t get the Diesel started when we lost shore power–but that’s another story.
Bottom line, dude is a douchetool of great fucktardability, and it’s a wonder his Chief didn’t take a pipe wrench upside his head on more than one occasion (we had a A-ganger who would swing one at you during checkouts if you said something REALLY stupid…)
I did three patrols and just missed the DASO after the boat’s overhaul. Also did a deployment with SEALS and Force Recon on board (for training). A-Gang was always busting their ass. I just wished they didn’t rack us out every time their gear broke. Just because it has a wire sticking out of it, it doesn’t mean it is an electrical problem…
@30 Wish I could have been on board for one of those, that would have been cool. On the down side, most of our COWs scared the shit out of me…
Ever see a COW get the 100K Award, complete the Trim Pump starter switch he broke? That was impressive. Granted, not as impressive as the EO underway going from FPLU to HPLU on one TG to HPLU on the other TG back to FPLU, all in 15 seconds with NO dead bus shifts. Even I was cringing watching that.
Hey, guys – what in the hell does a Department of the Army Special Order (DASO) or a Foreign Prosecution Liaison Unit (FPLU) have to do with a submarine?
Seriously – could you decrypt a few of those acronyms above for us non-nautical types? (smile)
DASO is Demonstration and Shakedown Operation. In the case of Tridents, it means launching missiles. Usually done as initial certification or post-overhaul/modification.
FPLU/HPLU is Full-Power/Half-Power Lineup (Electric Plant.)
TG–Turbine Generator.
SNOB–Shortest Nuke On Board.
NAVY–Need any Vaseline Yet?
NNPS–Naval Nuclear Power School (aka $100K shoved up my ass one dime at a time)
PFM–Pure Fucking Magic (usually used by NPS Instructors when faced with a question they can’t answer.)
Hope this helps. More as they arise.
COWs? What kind of COWs? Polled Herefords? Holsteins?
Just yankin’ you, I know if means Chief of the Watch.
Oh I dunno…some of them were pretty good sized. COB (Chief of the Boat) didn’t have them pushing away from the table soon enough in a few cases.
You forgot FRED, Fucking Ridiculus Electronic Device
Is it true what they say about the Navy? That 500 men set out to sea and 250 couples put in to port?