Road to the Fecal Four: Fatty v. Oliver
I somehow neglected this yesterday, but this week’s non-profit is Cooking With The Troops (CWTT). Cooking with the Troops is a 501(c)(3) charity that supports U.S. and Allied troops, their families, and caregivers worldwide. Our mission is to provide comfort, nutrition, and hope through four major programs: Food Events, Careers, Homefront Support and Frontline Support. Go and toss them a few Talents.
Who will be the second to make it to the Fecal Four?
16 Fatty McQuartermillion Pounder v.
15 Timothy “Durango + Delta = Douchebag” Oliver
FATTY McQUARTERMILLION POUNDER
Tale of the Stolen Valor Tape: UNKNOWN
Actual: UNKNOWN
Intangibles: Looks like a sausage.
Facts about Sausage:
The earliest known reference to sausage is from Homer’s Odyssey, wherein Odysseus is remarked to be
rolling from side to side
as a cook turns a sausage, big with blood
and fat, at a scorching blaze, without a pause,
to broil it quick
Chaucer also talked about a game of hide the sausage (actually, no, it is from Urban Dictionary, but fairly funny):
A fayre visaged manne was in the partee,
Lipsed of voyse, and limpe of wriste eek.
Ful wynsomme a crafty butcher was he,
We played heide thee sausage and I could not sitte downe for a weeke.
He was afterward banned for life from Chick-Fil-A.
This US Rower may have smuggled sausage onto the podium at the medal ceremony.
The word “sausage” is descended from the Latin salsus, meaning ‘salted’.
Haggis is technically a pudding, not a sausage.
This year in Scotland, the Super Bowl was marked with an entire day devoted to Sausage. In Indianapolis it was accompanied by my tears.
Someone on the internet wrote a tribute poem to Sausage:
You may brag about your breakfast foods you eat at break of day,
Your crisp, delightful shavings and your stack of last year’s hay,
Your toasted flakes of rye and corn that fairly swim in cream,
Or rave about a sawdust mash, an epicurean dream.
But none of these appeals to me, though all of them I’ve tried–
The breakfast that I liked the best was sausage mother fried.
OLIVER
Tale of the Stolen Valor Tape: “A member of the unit commonly known as Delta Force, he said he hit the ground in Kandahar after a high-altitude jump with thousands of other specialized troops from different branches of service. He recalls three days of intense ‘house-to-house urban warfare. It was a lot of chaos and a lot of fear,’ he said.”
Actual: I would say he’s completely full of shit, but his wife Phebe Durand assures us we don’t know the truth because “that’s a threat to national security” and we can trust her because she has a law degree from Cortez Junior High School. In fact, according to Chief Justice Durand of the Supreme Court of Oz, merely mentioning her or him is “breaking the law.”
Intangibles: Dude’s a Drood: “A practitioner of Druidic arts for fifteen years desiring to bring his gifts to the public. Friendly and caring readings and a genuine desire to help you with any questions you have.” Also, he is blind, but wears prescription eye glasses.
The pony tail he sports is an homage to David Carradine,
The grandson of Kwai Chang Oliver walks out of the past. He teaches his son wisdom at a Shaolin temple. An evil force destroyed that temple. Father and son each believed the other had perished. Fifteen years later, they were reunited. Now Oliver faced new challenges… and his son jumped into Kandahar with thousands of other specialized troops from different branches of service.
Carradine was found with rope around his neck and sausage.
I know you’ve heard it all before,
So I don’t say it anymore,
I just stand by and let you fight your secret war.
Now go vote.
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Category: Politics
Marine SEAL Master EOD Tech beats out Toy Gun Para Warrior.
Fatty IS going all the way!
Gotta go with Oliver on this one. Granted, Fatty McQuartermillion Pounder has so much shit on him he’d make the late Colonel Khadaffi wince, but as yet nobody has a name on this assclown.
But on Oliver, we have TWO. Plus when someone has to have his WIFE come in and fight his battle for him (albeit poorly) that just adds a special level of douchiness that goes beyond the Delta ponytail/Airsoft level of asshattery.
Granted, if you set them both on fire, Fatty would certainly last longer, but Oliver would be a more glorious bonfire.
Mass makes right-of-way! And he eats the competition for breakfast!
fatty was my horse at the start but I didn’t think he would go the distance like this.
It must be the Marine uniform. Chicks dig guys in marine uniforms.
Goddammit. I voted for the fat guy.
I’ve got to go with Oliver for knowingly being photographed holding a toy pistol, while you tell you secret squirrel stories.
Oliver. He was able to convince a reporter and his wife that the orange tipped gun was real, and had his wife claim to be an attorney to defend him. He even made the mass tactical jump by Delta story believable enough to be published. No one even knows where fatboy’s picture was taken.
Bobo: so, doesn’t that mean that FFM is an even better “spook” than Oliver? (smile)
And, for insipid’s benefit: no, that’s not a racist slur. The term “spook” is also common jargon for “spy” or “secret squirrel” type of operator.
Better late than never. 🙂 We can use it: we have an event coming up at Ft. Belvoir, other events we would like to do, and there are some very interesting things in work. Any and all help very much appreciated! http://cwtt.org/sponsordonate/
This was a tough one….The write up on fatty and sausage almost got my vote but in the end Deputy Delta Dickhead is just a pathetic POS and won my vote….I just wish we knew who Fatty really is….
For the fake Marine, has anyone ever been able to figure out who he is?
Go fat early, I always say.
does anyone have a link to the ‘big board’ (as Gen Buck Turgidson would say)? I need to update my brackets and I cant find it here…
http://valorguardians.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/TAH-SV-16.jpg
Prig, needs updating.
#7, good point! But in fairness I should point out that a dead man won last year. (‘course as I pointed out at the time, if you disqualify dead guys, how many of these people could compete “from the neck up”?)
Why even vote? Fatty has a lock on this all the way to Gold. Will he have room for this medal on his rack? Will he be able to mount the platform?
Still pissed though…the “Army” geezer with the cane and every medal known to man would have taken it were not for voting irregularities and intimidation by Jarheads who wanted their guy.
Thanks!
SJ- I don’t normally do this, but….
High volume of voting, and it is really close, but Fatty is currently losing, although not by much at all.
#15; I’m relatively new here…was last year’s contest as entertaining?
@19, the top 2 were both awesome.
Ballduster v. Soup Sandwich was a first rate matchup.
I think this years is closer, but last years, man, those two were locked into the final right from jump street.
#18 TSO: So the Marines are stuffing the ballot box again. Where’s Holder?
http://valorguardians.com/blog/?p=27170
That is last years finals.
#19, extremely! The final rounds between MSgt. Soup Sandwich and Ballduster McSoulpatch himself especially – one voter proudly identified himself as “part of the Soup Group” – and when he lost, the cries of “foul” and “SOUP!!!” raised the echoes…you should look those threads up and have a blast. The Sniper photoshops alone will make it worth your while.
(Despite the wacky ribbon rack, Fatty isn’t a patch on Soup, in my view — Soup was court-martialed for inhaling “shoe cleaner” and made facebook posts claiming to be a “wounded medic” and being angry at women for not liking him more…I supported the ‘Duster because I favor shitbags over batshits but it was a magnificent contest between worthy opponents in worthlessness.)
I just searched and found last years Fecal 4 etc (have a lot of time on my hands). That was entertaining. Don’t see a lot of the posters from then. Some great comments.
Although it was a hard decision, I voted for the skinny turdburgler over the Mess Hall Mangler. While fat boy was impressive in his presentation, the other skinny stain on humanity had that certain something extra in his level of insanity that pushed him over the edge. He also put the pony tail in the right place – just over the horses backside. It’s natural that the only thing that comes out of the hole is horseturds…
Guys, guys, guys…look at Fatty’s “uniform”!!! The “China Service Medal”? It was last issued in the late ’50s!!! Forty-five(?) ribbons but no “additional award” devices, that I could see. Forget the fact that Fatty has bought every award issued by the US for the past hundred years!?! Not to mention every foreign award that the US has authorized since the war of 1812!?! Doesn’t the SEAL Trident outrank jump wings? The “fourragère” is worn UNDER the epaulet for goodness sakes! A blouse so huge you could hide an aircraft carrier in it??? How hard must it have been to get winched out of his ‘sty’ and waddle around to buy all this stuff?
Gooooo Fatty!
So Chief Justice Durand is also a Druish Princess?
The sausage parody was funny. It got my vote.
Although I have been following this blog (all through last year’s tournament) this is my first post. I got to say I think you guys do a great job of exposing the “whitey-tighty stains” for the crap that they pull and I really enjoy some of the comments. I do have to comment on these two yay-hoos. It is evident that Fatty did buy every ribbon in the Clothing-n-Sales store and then had to resort to the nearest Sergeant Major’s Bunker to find the rest, but what else has he professed to? If we go by all the ribbons alone as a sore spot, then it seems the ass-crown with the cane and 72 medals should be the choice. But Oliver, with his Sunday best clothes on and “just the feel” of the Delta issued air-soft weapon in his hands to soothe his nerves, has to be the choice of this round. Being published nationally in your own stupidity with your “Lawyer” present gets my vote.
While his uniform really is spectacular and I seriously appreciate the audacity of appearing publicly in such a clownish outfit, not knowing who he is, or having him or any supporters come here to make the case for him makes it pretty much impossible for me to vote for the “marine” this round. Would at least like to know if the idiot managed to survive his last sausage sammich!
Then again, not particularly thrilled with voting for the oliver either. He did have a great support team. Or excellent alternative personas.
I went with the #16-were those arching over his back? … That other guy is that actor – he was just getting into character right?
Had to go skinny. The Chubster didn’t work hard enough to get my vote. Durango Dumbass brought in reinforcements, and made it entertaining. If the big guy gets ID’d, outed, and engages personally or by proxy later, i would support him for next year’s run, but (can’t believe I’m saying this) not enough there for this year.
Should the latter happen, would he be eligible next year?
#32, I think you only get one shot at the ‘Dusters, unless you come back with some new vote-worthy douchebaggery later on. This is a mercy on the screening team, as there were some awsome competitors last year – you can see this by chasing links here:
http://valorguardians.com/blog/?p=26635
…check out Chiroux and “Spooky 8″…or, really, any of them; you can’t go wrong. There’s a lifetime of laughs and we get them all for nothing!
One word describes why I chose Oliver…..ponytail. Now if he would just emulate David Caradene and asphyxiate himself in a closet.
#33–I get it, and watched last year with great glee. The ones where the ‘bags try to engage are best–that’s what i would hope for from the big guy next year.
I have to agree with Yat Yas here. It takes a lot of imagination to look like Qadaffi mated with Rosie O’Donnell. Go fatass!
The only repeat we had from last year was Kyle Barwan, and that’s because his douchebaggery managed to get him arrested AGAIN.
Dang it I spelled Carradine wrong.
That fat b*stard may have eaten a MGYSGT but he sure as hell never was one. Where did he get that uniform……Omar the Tentmaker?
Go you fat turd!
Semper Fi
#33 Alberich. Well thanks a lot. That link you cited caused me to piss away the entire afternoon looking at last year’s contestants. My wife thinks I’m nuts because I keep laughing (she thinks I’m working).
Surely the posers are on to TAH et al now and there won’t be a contest next year?
#40 – You know, people are always saying things like that around here. “Surely the posers will download AR 670-1 online and make it more convincing…” — but it never happens! I’ve heard that frequent laughter extends your lifespan, so, in reality, they are our benefactors.
#35 – Yes, I would be delighted to consider voting for him if he’d come back give us a performance like that. Preferably with excuses (“thyroid condition caused by EFP’s!”). Especially if he turned out to have served, any service.
Thin for the win! Legally blind, yet still able to hit pop cans at 30 feet with a pellet gun. Distinguished (Imaginary) combat record. Trophy wife that’s an artist as well as an attorney. This guy hits the poser trifecta.
Have been voting for Oliver all the way through because I am glad to see someone fake Delta rather than go the SEAL route again. Chuck Norris didn’t make two movies for nothing!
Did you really just bust out with some Concrete Blonde?
Outstanding!
Thank you FOMSG, you just made my day.
And yes, yes I did. I generally listen to Lithium on XM when I write these, and then just write whatever lyric pops into my head.
I voted for the auschwitz honor grad and his ponytail. Have to concur with @44, +10 points for the Concrete Blonde reference.
Fatty all the way! It’s the Law if Gross Tonnage!
http://www.auxguidanceskills.info/press/bigger.html
Sorry “Law of Gross Tonnage” not if. I hate iPads keyboard.
I voted for Oliver for the simple fact that we don’t even know Fatty’s name. I suppose an “unknown poser” (sort of a bizzaro unknown soldier) might be a useful example, but if we are going to declare a winner, I want the turd to know he is busted.