William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
My Timeline is fine. I know just were I was when I was there. I went off the records I have here.
My Ranger Battalion Picture.
http://www.benning.army.mil/infantry/rtb/Graduates/images/5-94.jpg
Dear fucking God,
Here is the actual timeline for the 75th.
October 19th 2001- Operation Enduring Freedom
March 28th 2003- Operation Iraqi Freedom
@163, hell FAT FUCK, you can’t even get your history straight.
Hey Church, put up or STUFF IT UP YOUR NEXT JELLY DOUGHNUT!!! Damn, your side of this sounds like a rubber room chock full of Paul K. Wickre clones!!
And if that truly was your Missus bragging a out her education level, I’ve seen Active Duty Troops earn their Associate’s Degrees while serving full time! OH, and if you really are a Ranger, show up at the next Annual Ranger Rendezvous on Ft. Benning in all your finery!!
@204
You’re the one holding the camera, right??
/YOU are an ASSHOLE….LIAR….FAKE….POSER……BULLSHIT ARTIST (and you suck at *THAT*)
/Give. It. UP.
Name of your PSG, Lt, CO day you were wounded asshole. Who was your Ranger Buddy? I am sure that you can reach out to them and they will be right here to “clear this up” for us.
The Wounded Warriror Ranger I golfed with last year, his Ranger Brothers were there by his side every chance they got. C
@204- yeah, a picture of a bunch of guys with no captions identifying anyone is solid proof /sarc
@163 – The first rule of writing stories is that when you publish them, you add a disclaimer at the start that says: The characters and events in this book/story are fictitious and/or are used fictitiously.
Hit by five rounds to the chest, huh? Have you ever ACTUALLY been hit by anything with more impact than a soap bubble? I’d really like to know. You wouldn’t get a broken breastbone – that’s the sternum, in case you didn’t know – out of it. You’d more likely bleed so severely that you’d drown in your own blood. You can get a broken breastbone if you’re 90, you have osteoporosis, and someone is a little TOO intense giving you CPR. The sternum/breastbone is attached to a lot of cartilage, which is attached to your ribs, and it’s fairly short. And if you actually were in Baghdad – and learn to spell, will you? — you’d have been wearing Kevlar armor which is specifically designed to deflect bullets (or ’rounds’ as you call them).
So you fail on that one alone, Church. You fail on a lot of things.
Oh, hey, His Nibs is also claiming Panama, guys. I’m sure there is someone somewhere who knows whether or not this douchenozzle was ever in Panama. What regiment was it, Church? What platoon? What squad? What’d you do, hide in the bushes?
It’s just a damn shame that you’re so worthless, you even try to hide behind your wife’s skirts, you blithering, idiotic, wall-eyed, drooling, lying sack of bullshit COWARD.
I swear, I thought the phrase “rock with lips” was a euphemism for “dumbass”. I didn’t realize they actually existed.
Then again, he did admit to having psyche issues. It’s possible he actually believes the BS he’s spewing.
Give it up, Church. You’re just digging the hole deeper.
OMG…this is painful
Derek…dude. You are taking a bad, bad situation and making it 100X worse.
I hope you can back up your BS when the FBI shows up. We all know you can’t.
Stolen Valor…you have committed so many violations so far.
@204, you do know that the list of people that graduated from class 5-94 (if that’s what it says, it’s blurry) is public knowledge, right? and there are people here with friends in the Regiment that can look up ALL class lists, right? You just burned yourself fatty.
“THIS IS A OFFICIAL AND SERTIFIED DOCAMENT”
What? You don’t believe it? It’s on the freakin’ internet!Yeah, bon-freakin’-jour.
Hey, that is my Ranger picture too!! I am the 5th guy from the right on that row in the picture next to the other guy in the cami’s. Yeah, that’s it.
Oh wait, I was not in the army. And from all appearances Willie, neither were you. Now go fuck yourself!!
@204…
Here you go dumbass….My basic training photo….I’m up on the top right, one row down, on the end.
http://www.bmtflightphotos.af.mil/shared/media/photodb/photos/031101-F-1984A-064.jpg
You can blow that photo up and see my dumbassed, no clue, wanna be, airman eating grin.
/I know how to internet.
//You’re a section 8.
Come on William Derek Church the Round Ranger Fake. Stop trying to BS us… your timeline was accurate right up until the time you got kicked out after Infantry split option training. I am sure you did go to family day somewhere.
What was the conclusion of that psych eval by the way? other than you are nucking futs. Maybe Schizo affective disorder?
Okay, Air Force guy here can see that photo is listed as 5-94. Ie. the class started in May of 1994, I’m assuming. But the timeline you provided says you were in Ranger training from Oct-Dec of 1995. Sheesh, you really suck this.
Hey, I’m only 41, but did you know I was at the orginal Woodstock concert. Here’s my photo to prove it.
http://media.photobucket.com/user/pinboy3niner/media/Woodstockcrowd.jpg.html?filters%5Bterm%5D=woodstock%20crowd&filters%5Bprimary%5D=images&filters%5Bsecondary%5D=videos&sort=1&o=0#/user/pinboy3niner/media/Woodstockcrowd.jpg.html?filters%5Bterm%5D=woodstock%20crowd&filters%5Bprimary%5D=images&filters%5Bsecondary%5D=videos&sort=1&o=0&_suid=138911765120302775738446078621
@204, Well GAWD DAMN, someone has finally dethroned Dallas Wittgenfeld. She we just call you SeCTiOnEIghT.
This may actually be the best thread I’ve seen on here in a while! I lay odds this twinkle toed little boytoy will be the winner in the tourney this year. The audacity when caught to spend an entire day throwing up made up account screens and then when called out to throw out the crap he claims as a career is mind boggling yet fantastic! I predict this thread may be one of the very few that hits a thousand before it’s done! PFC Church, I salute the utter gall of a turd like you trying to mind-fuck a group of people a great portion of whom actually did serve careers in the military and can spot a lying turd like you in a heartbeat. As someone else said, welcome to internet fame, dumbass.
Tab check in at Benning, but y’all know those Rangers up there, they take a lunch hour. Results yet today, I hope. Also going for a roster check at 75th.
Wow AverageNCO, is that really you next to the guy in the stripped shirt?
Ranger Class A-41 from Ft. Benning, eh? I’m sure we can easily find out exactly who IS in that photo, and I’d bet money that you aren’t in it, gordo.
Candle, white wine with sea salt/caramle popcorn sounds REALLY good. I may try it, too. MMMMM….
This thread makes Maxwell Q. Klinger ANGRY!
http://images.sodahead.com/polls/002772567/4529764035_6a011571a9345e970b0133ec7a8dd5970b_500pi_answer_2_xlarge.jpeg
And while you are at it Church, get rid of that taint tickler.
I’m fed up. Just sent his BS to the FBI Office in Charlotte
http://www.fbi.gov/charlotte
Now the local Sheriff and the FBI have it.
Have fun fat a$$. We tried to warn you to come clean.
Nobody who did half 1/10 of what he claims he did would wear the uniform as he did and, certainly, would not allow pics to be taken if, in a drunken stupor, he did wedge himself into a uniform. No wonder he’s depressed. He looks like Fatty Arbuckle and acts like Walter Mitty. He had his out. Instead of taking it, he doubled down on stoopid. And Willie Chamberlin? Let’s hear from him. Anyone willing to do harm on behalf of their combat buddy would certainly be willing just to show up here in defense of him.
Aha, thanks for pinning things down, The tab check just got incredibly easy. It is seldom that I have a class number to go on.
Calling Benning back now. Hope they’ve cleared the DFAC and are back to work.
@219
Nobody dethrones Dallas. Willie is too harmless. I think he really is mentally unstable. But the good kind. The “oh look, I see a unicorn and I was a Ranger and here is a photo of a bunch of guys in cami’s to prove it” kind.
Dallas is the kind where you should probably taze him as soon as he opens his mouth.
It’s like that Rick Fine guy I met last April–fat, ranger, sniper, Panama, medically retired, sealed records, wife pulling the Tammy Wynette “Stand By Your Man Routine”….But while Rick Fine would never admit his lies, he was at least smart enough to go hide under a rock.
This guy….This guyyyyyy.
On the plus side, the guy does have a vivid imagination. He’s managed to conjure up some interesting (if nonexistent) exploits after he was discharged for “psych eval”.
This thread is so much fun, I hope it never ends.
Will Chamberlin Is the Ranger buddy. You say he’s a fake when in all reality he served right beside me. My ranger buddies are deployed right now, to an area that I cannot disclose.
You know something, I’m done. I’ve given you my history, I’ve said my medical conditions my NUSS device and TBI which no one chooses to acknowledge. SO I’M DONE WITH IT. I HAVE NOTHING and I mean NOTHING to prove to you all. You pansies still won’t tell me how you happen to just “run across” my photos and name. So have your field day. My 12 year career is mine, I worked damn hard for it and went through shit to get what I have. I’m not about to back down because you think you know it all. You can’t possibly know everything about everyone just because your some techie. Bite me! This is a blog, nothing creditable, it doesn’t do anything to me. For my true family and friends I’m all I’ll ever need to be, I don’t have to prove it to you. I am and will be Medically Retired SSGT William Derek Church Airborne Army Ranger.
@ 232
You and me both!!!!
@231…problem is…as usual..there are victims
Like I said..if you looked on “Will Chamberlain”s FB page…he is friends with a whole bunch of jail bait girls
And we all know who Will Chamberlain is
Kiaya needs to keep this fat motherf*cker away from her kids until this BS is respolved
I can’t BELIEVE IT! I finally get around to opening my computer and all this has happened since yesterday! WTF OVER!
Now folks I have just taken a quick read of the thread and I do see one upside…thank heavens he has not claimed PTSD! Yet.
@233, if you had a 12 year career, why are you sporting 7 service stripes?
233 CHARBORNE!!!!! I mean CHAIRFORCE!!!!!!!!!
/can one triple down on retarded?
@216. Chip. Nice pic. One question, though. WTH were you guys smiling about?
@229, Ok Chief.
Well Dullass, you still have your title.
@233, and it’s “SSG” not “SSGT”, but you would know that if you had earned those stripes and rocker
@233…Derek…oh you will do some provin’ and ‘splainin
Not to us…but to a guy or two with Federal Credentials
Will Chamberlin=Catfish
Specifically, it looks like Church’s Catfish account that he uses to befriend young girls and look at porn
Guys … Hold your horses.
I just sent Jonn the REAL CLASS PHOTO … yep it is him.
Jonn post when you can!
If you went to combat with the 75th, which Bn and why are you wearing an 82d Combat Patch… which should not even be sewn on your Uniform but you would have known that if you had served more than a few months in the Guard.
Did you find yourself on the casualty list yet Church? I sure cannot find you. Jonn posted the link… why are you not on there?
You are fucking liar and an Honor Thief!! So many holes in your story, if you were the titanic (though you are almost as large) you would have sunk in 30 seconds.
@163
“Deployed to Iraq; Boots on Ground 20 Sept 2001- March 2003”
That mission was classified! Shsssh he was with us, the Green Berets. We were doing cross border ops from A-Stan. I can vouch for Church, I saw him take 5 DShK rounds to the chest…….. he then killed the guy that shot him.
No, he’s not done. He just THINKS he is done. He stuck his finger in the eye of a tiger. Willie the alter ego is unavailable, huh? At an undisclosed location, huh? Then how the F do you know where he is. Is he your gay alter ego? What a buffoon.
@#218 AVG NCO:
Nah, the 5 in a Ranger class does not translate to a particular month. In fact, the first 1 or 2 classes usually start in the year before the stated year,(last 2 digits).
#5-94 was merely the 5th class starting in Cycle #94.
If I remember properly, class 5 at Ranger School is known as “Frostbite Five” because it’s in December/January and there’s a break for Christmas.
@239
2/17…seriously…..our TI said to everyone…..”
” Smile….GOTDAMN IT!!!!!!!!! …..
I SAID SMILE FOR YOUR MOMMAS OR YOU WILL BE DOING MESS HALL AND BARRACKS DUTY UNTIL I MAKE YOUR HANDS BLEED.”
/That there is a true, no shit story. THOSE are the kind of things you never forget and it’s been 30 years since Basic for me.
@233, damn dude, go and take your meds!!!!!!!
So two years before any American Troops were in Iraq,some Dad’s bag wounded him downtown, he was flown to Germany and a PUSS device was installed. Was that put in his ass or his mouth, becasue it is pouring out of all orafices.
@248, correct me if I’m wrong, but the “year” in most class numbers is the fiscal year, and not the calendar year?
William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
Like Phildo and Psul Wickre….
I BEG YOU. ……DO. NOT. POST. HERE. AGAIN.
No, I ORDER YOU TO NOT POST HERE AGAIN!!!!!!!
(Yeah, like it’s my damn blog lmfao, right Jonn??)
You said you won’t so now live up to your promise.
/you guys know how *that* worked last time we said that to someone, don’t you??