William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
I thought I heard him whisper “sorry” when he aggressively bit into a jelly donut and the filling oozzed out and landed on his wife’s belly!
But then again, that could have been my tinnitus acting up again!
Jonn, just checked through all my papers on the desk and under our still up, Christmas tree…nope no apology anywhere bud. Sorry
I just reread Will Chamberlin’s thread above. You have to give William Derek Church credit, his fake Ranger characters sound almost like a really bad war movie! That, and like a good comedy, like Anchor Man, every time you look at it you find another hidden jem of a nuance that makes you appreciate it even more!
No apology. Nope. What he probably meant was that he whispered in the wife’s ear that he was sorry that they got caught. Or something.
Stupid games produce stupid prizes, fools. For both of them. May they get all that they deserve and have so richly earned.
Apology? Even if he did deliver one, it would offered merely to “let him off the hook”, not in the least bit “sincere”. Fat Boy, this one’s for you: Long ago there was a weekly single frame cartoon titled Love Is. The best one ever said: “Love is; Not having to say you’re Sorry.”. If you truly gave a shit about the Warriors of the world, you would not have attempted to gain by standing in the blood of those lost, in the shadow of those who have proven themselves.
Your apology is EMPTY, MEANINGLESS, JUST ONE MORE LIE.
You two are one pathetic couple, there is no doubt to that.
So, in summary, William Derek Church and the Mrs: Suck Snot.
Apology, MY ASS, I haven’t seen one either, maybe his next stunt will be to suddenly surface as a USMC Recon, Green Beret, or SEAL once he thinks we’ve forgotten about him!
@ Oh really John, did he offer a small bribe like Dullass did awhile back.
As for FAT FUCK Wilhe songliam Derek Church, you listened to the the song, now it is time to pay the piper asshole.
He’s begging me to take it down now. His tears are getting my keypad soaked. The official policy here is to NEVER take down a post, unless we’re proven wrong.
These posts are like heads on pikes leading to the town to warn anyone else who thinks about doing the same thing. You weren’t sorry about this until you were caught – and according to folks who know you, you’ve been doing this thing for years, so live with the fruits of your labors.
We don’t do this because we’re meanies and bullies, we do it to end the plague. Take responsibility for your actions and learn to live with the existence of this post, because it will be here long after I’m gone.
He shouldn’t have compounded his dumbassery yesterday with threats and more lies. Live with it.
In his comment on #107 he said, “All I can say is if my mistakes offended you i apologize.” But that seemed he was inferring he simply made mistakes with his headgear and pants. He didn’t admit he was a fraud. Then in #131 he said he apologized, but would provide documents proving his story. All he provided was that Gawd-Awful timeline. So no Mr. Church, you didn’t adequately apologize. We’ve seen this nonsense before. Don’t come back with, “I’m sorry I can’t prove my story, because my records are sealed.” That’s not an apology either. We’ve heard that already (Ladner). It’s not just an apology you need to make this right. In legal terms, it’s called an allocution. You need to admit you were a fraud. Google Bill Brockbrader. For him he was finally facing a perjury charge in front of a judge when he had to admit he was not a Navy Seal trained by space aliens(as Don Shipley chuckled). Don’t let it get that far Mr. Church. Admit you’re a complete fraud first, then apologize. And as in the past folks here may accept your apology. But don’t count on Jonn taking down the post. That needs to stay up as a warning to future fakers…not that they ever learn.
@447 – Let me get this straight… she married a private….for his money…?? Srsly? So she’s been stupid for a while, and this isn’t something new to befall on her?
Marrying a private for his money is like buying a .22 for its knockdown and stopping power.
That’s like using a squirt gun to put out a structure fire.
That’s like…you get the idea.
@Jonn – no WAY has he apologized. Fuck this guy! Besides, if he is abusing his kids in the way described above, we need to take this even further. Also, might not be a bad idea to check with the VA and the state welfare office to see if he’s getting any bennies. My guess is more than likely, because he’s obviously not man enough to earn his own living and is probably a social parasite living off the hard work of others.
Derek William Church, the Round Ranger – Yes, I hope you’re reading this, you fat sack of worthless. I looked at your new Facebook profile, by the way. At the time, there were 26 friends on there. Just glancing, at least three of them were junior high school girls, you sick fuck. I’m willing to bet if the local PD isn’t interested in that little tidbit of info, some local fathers would be.
You reap what you sow, asshat…
Now, he’s claiming that NPRC never gets records right. Yeah, that’s the excuse we’ll use today. Still no admission that he’s not a Ranger, never has been, never will be. He wasn’t wounded in Iraq – all he has to do is go to the link I provided and show me the incident report where he took six rounds to his chest. And he won’t even admit that it didn’t happen.
@462. Here’s a thought. William “Long Pants” Church can use FB to apolgize and to set the record straight. He can admit his wrongs and relate why stealing valor is inherently wrong. He can even relate how he was lambasted for his wrongdoing. And he even put all of this in an online comment in his local rag and then go and sin no more. But to merely ask that an account of his misdeeds just disappear? That’s ridiculous.
As if we wondered, here is the first response from Ranger Tab Check:
“Nothing on him. Are you sure that’s the correct class date?</b.
@462 – may I trouble you for an anecdote, sir?
@462…Jonn….”Let Them FLOW!!!!!
THIS IS FOR YOU WILLIAM DEREK CHURCH!!!!
http://i.imgur.com/kdV2vtS.jpg
/Yes Ex-PH2, I am completely demented, and twisted, and weird and kinda an asshole when it comes to posers, fakes and phonies.
She cheated on someone with this guy?
I do not feel so well.
@468: Yup, soon he’ll claim that his records were burned up in the great fire of ’73 because of a tear in the fabric of the Universe or somethin’…
hey Church, stop snivelling like an absolute pussy! No Ranger I have ever known would be snivelling behind the scenes to Jonn. Especially one “wounded in Combat” like you claim. My God we would have had a real Rangers entire Bn and Regimental Command Team up our asses if we made false accusations against a Combat Wounded Ranger… Funny, haven’t seen a single one, and your co-faker/sockpuppet pal doesn’t count.
Go pound the sand out of your vagina Church, and apologize before everyone here for you egregious lies of heroism and service. Oh, this will likely stay put, but be a fucking man and admit to being a complete fraud.
Does this jackass not understand that he cannot bluff his way out of this? Trying to blame it on the NPRC? Let me guess, his records were destroyed in the fire! Time for the 1stSgt to go make another comment on the Lenoir news site.
Church: I got it! For reasons you cannot divulge, you changed your name…Wait! You have a twin brother who took your identity and…Wait!…There was a fire in Saint Louis and…Wait!…You are actually presently in a clandestine operation and…Wait!…You were at Benghazi on 11 Sept 2012 and you are under orders of no less than the President…Wait!…For the protection not of yourself but of the operatives with whom you served…Wait…
So if someone told you NPRC didn’t have their records correct, would you find that hard to believe? Well maybe not totally impossible.
But if someone told you they were a retired Ranger from the 75th, but somehow they “messed up” and wore their beret backwards, would you find that hard to believe?
So then a different person told you they were medically discharged on a psych issue, but then brought back on active duty to a Ranger regiment two days after 9-11, and had boots on the ground 18 months BEFORE OIF started, would you find that hard to believe?
If someone told you they received a “field promotion” from E-5 to E-6 in today’s Army, would you find that hard to believe?
But now we’re supposed to belive all this lunacy happened to one person, and THAT’s what NPRC has wrong?
Sorry Chunk, you gotta take that Truffle Shuffle somewhere else.
@449: Yeah, Jonn, I have to agree with everyone and say I haven’t seen an apology come ’round. Maybe it’s sitting right next to his records of daring do?
You know, Church, I’d go with that last one in comment 475. As I see it, it’s the only one that allows you to be a hero while, at the same time, providing a selfless explanation as to why documentation is not forthcoming. Yeah, I’d go with that one. That will work.
As To my post #467:
I just got off the phone with my Ranger Tab Check contact.
It is OH Fish Ul; William Derek Church was never in Ranger School, has not earned a tab, and is as full of shit as any politician in DC.
His lies are all he has left. He can’t give them up. They’ve gotten him the very few things he has in his obviously very miserable life. To give those up would mean starting from square one (which isn’t a bad thing). From what others have said, it’s plainly obvious he has no idea how to be a real man. He’s a lying, conniving, thieving lowlife. He’s stolen valor, he’s stolen another man’s wife (although I’m sure the guy is thanking him profusely right now), he neglects his children, can’t hold a job – even in the national guard FFS, and now is being called to task for all of it. He can’t function without his lies. He has to make up fantastic stories to cover up his massive shortfalls.
In summary, this guy sucks, and probably isn’t going to stop sucking anytime soon.
@434 and @436, Good Morning Apple89 getting caught up here and yes, I do plan to give you more info but it is obvious by now who the aren’t. I will tell you this that yes, Chris and Kiaya were young when the married. Let’s throw this one out there. After Derek and his ex were married they all attended the same church and in fact, Derek’s ex taught Kiaya in Vacation Bible School, so their history does back a long way. Not only did they know each other way before any of this but Derek and Kiaya’s ex Chris trained together at Gamewell Fire Department, does that tell you about where they live.
And yes, Apple89 she did have Derek’s litte girls nails done, because she (Kiaya) was getting her’s done all for the wedding. I bet that her mom and pop paid for everything there too. Seems we are on the same side of this battle and don’t want to anger anyone, but wanted to make it clear those kids (Derek’s) are cared for by their mother. If only you all knew the crap that he has put that woman through.
@424 The other William (Will Chamberlin) ya thats Derek too. A fictional character created to harrass his Ex when she finally decided to leave his ass, wonder why? She was just simply tired of his lazy ass and BS.
Derek, How long did you think that you could keep up this lie of a life that you created for yourself, seriously? Did you think that no one would ever challenge you on these or that you wouldn’t get found out? Believe me many have tried and have only been met with the same threatening nature as you saw on here. Your son believes with all his heart and soul that you were the man that you claimed to be all these years, how are you going to explain to him that his hero wasn’t who he thought he was?
Mr. Church, There are two things we do here at TAH. Let me preface by saying first, this is strictly and only my one opinion. The two things we do are, yes, out people who pose as something they are not in regards to their military service. More important than this, to me, is that we guard the true valor of those who served and are serving now. Mr. Church what you do not realize is that many of the men and women we guard the valor of are dead. They gave their lives in honorable service to this country. They are no longer here to speak for themselves and defend their honor and service. That is the most important thing we do here in my opinion. Those who gave life and limb to defend our nation deserve what we do here. To stand in their blood and on shoulders and now gone lives is beyond simply wrong. It is a dishonor to those lost lives in the worst sense of the meaning. That is why the posts here are so vehement in their disdain for what you have done. The people here are, by and large, veterans who served honorably. We stand to keep the record clear about those who behave as you have. I sincerely encourage you, in consideration of those precious lives lost, to offer first, an admission of your fraud and second a sincere apology. Publicly. No the thread will never come down. Some will accept your apology and some won’t. That is a reality you have to live with. But all this, comes back to a problem of your making Mr. Church. There is never a better time to change one’s life than now. I hope you will give my post whatever consideration you think it is worth. I hope you change your life for the better. There is an offer on the table for you to take the needed steps towards honorable behavior and a better future. This post is my opinion and my opinion only Mr. Church. I cannot and do not speak… Read more »
Frankie I am shocked… shocked I tell you!! You mean a Tab Check came beck negative on our Feerless Doghnut Chaser? Damn
That was a classified black-op apology. I’m sure you don’t have the clearance to actually see it……
@481. A great many good people mess up some aspects of their lives. That someone claims military service and awards or decorations not his is the sole reason Church is the focus here. If you have reason to believe that he or anyone else is neglecting children in their care, please notify Social Services of your suspicion. Otherwise, I, for one, would like the soap-opera personals to stop.
Guy is just a piece of shit… hey Church, how does it feel today with all those walls crumbling down around you? I am thinking you are schizophrenic. Creating profiles that you “talk to yourself” with… There are things called signpost when looking to see if you have a problem, that there is not a signpost. It is a billboard!!
@481. Thanks for that information. Comfirmation of how pathetic an individual that slob is.
IMO, this says it all regarding Willie the Blimp’s story:
@ 2/17 It is just further proof of what we say all the time on here about Stolen Valor. it is not a victimless crime, and most of the time the real victims are family and close friends of the Poser. It is also proof that Stolen Valor is usually indicitive of other degenerate behavior.
I believe all his scumbaggery needs to be exposed. Just as it went with that dumbass Wickre who was not even a poser, how many topics were there about that guy alone?
Dayuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I don’t have internet access at work so I occasionally check TAH on my little POS flip phone. About 2000 Monday night (I work 2nd shift) I first read this entry and it was up to 35 posts. I left home yesterday morning to work a double and didn’t get a chance to look at TAH again til late afternoon. My little phone ’bout had a hernia from trying to scroll through all the posts that this scum-sucking, low-life, turd-eating shitbag has generated.
Orville Reddenbacher is gonna have to seriously ramp up popcorn production to handle the demand that all this is generating.
Hey, Church-boi. Got any more excuses to entertain us with?
Here’s what I require of this clown:
Report to your local PD and/or sheriff. Supply them with a link to this blog post and give them a written admission of your guilt. And beg them to file criminal charges against you for EVERY criminal violation you have committed.
Come back here and post the case numbers after charges have been filed. Then plead guilty to ALL criminal charges against you.
THEN come here to offer an apology for your behavior. At that time, I will consider accepting it, but no guarantees.
Oh, and drag your wife’s happy ass along with you and compel her to do the same. If she pitches a screaming fit at the idea, please film it for our amusement.
(What is the penalty for bigamy in that jurisdiction anyway?)
@487. Well, that’s one vote for and one against. And so goes, “The Days of Our Lives.” I don’t like the irrelevant dirt, especially when it’s substantiated by as much as Church provided regarding his service: zip.
Wickre was indeed a poser – in his first two comments, he pretended to be in the military. Here, as Atlantic Beach, FL and here, as Karl Denninger.
Just so he cannot say that we aren’t trying to keep him up to date on things, I sent him this e-mail, (3rd since he gave me his e-addy and asked for mine so he could set me straight on his heroic past). Shit, I almost threw up in my mouth a little typing that one.
William Derek Church;
Do you take us for dummies? Do you think you should keep trying to foist this charade on us? Do you think that not replying to the email that you asked me to send will exempt you from being found out? I have just gotten a reply from Ft. Benning, Georgia, on a request that I put forth about you. I do this 30 or more times a month for one name or another, and work quite well with the folks up there. After doing an exhaustive search on the many forms of your name, they have a one line response:
“Nothing on him. Are you sure that’s the correct class date?”
What do you have to say about that, fella?
Since you choose to continue the show, I can assure you that your name will be plastered all over Lenoir North Carolina, as well as on Facebook, in blogs, and more, with all of that being gathered by Goooooogle and kept till the sun no longer shines.
Have you ever heard the old adage: “When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.”?
I have attended to many final services for the very people that you are so poorly trying to claim to be among. Your claims of phoniness are a discredit to those people only in that there are some dumbasses who are stupid enough to believe your shit. Your lazy ass wouldn’t rate to clean the commode of any of them.
Have a great day, asshole
@446
And now that pigs can fly, they can’t use that excuse either.
http://www.nytimes.com/2000/11/30/us/pig-had-right-to-fly-first-class-faa-says.html
The Round Rangers wife looks like she gained 50 pounds since her first wedding. At least.
She was a dependapotamus…
@Mommaluv
Is his dad Gene Church from gamewell?
If so, maybe someone should let him know as well.
Hell, ArmyATC – that’s kinda late. Pigs have been flying since at least 1976.
http://www.batterseapowerstation.org.uk/floyd/floyd.html
@Jonn, I had forgotten that about Wickre.
Off to the Lenoir news link posted @ 384. Feel free to join in!
Well Donut Ranger, if this low speed/high drag former puddle pirate who did pretty much nothing exciting or dangerous for 4 years can look at you and see that you’re ate up like a soup sandwich, you’re dumber than boxed shit trying to keep the charade up.
I don’t comment here much but I’m a daily lurker and some of these people can catch a fake a mile away… on a bad day. You’re not going to win. Shit just doesn’t get this far unless you are an undeniable fake so trying to threaten, whine and cry you way out of this is the wrong way to go about it. Looks like the Rangers came back and said “Who?” Apologize, take your lumps, and don’t fucking do it again.
And come back later this year when the Stolen Valor Tournament starts up. I’m sure you’ll place high. Who knows, you might be the first winner to claim his prize in person.
@Hondo,
Ha!!! But those pigs had hallucinogenic help. Should be careful. Wouldn’t want to give Church an excuse for his asshattery.
Congratulations, ArmyATC! Comment 500 on the blog for what I predict will be this year’s tournament winner! I saw you and echoed your comments at the Lenoir news as well.
@501 and 499 Tank,
I piled on with *facts* as well.
/Sucks to be Billy teh Blimp
Chip, you the retired AF MSgt? Very nice! If he hasn’t heard it from a lawyer yet, he’ll shyte his too long pants when he reads what you posted!
ArmyTAC: no hallucinogens involved – just helium and wind. Well, for the pig anyway. Can’t speak for the crew “flying” it. (smile)
I’d have given anything to have been a fly on the wall in the cockpit of one of the planes coming into/out of Heathrow that day:
“Say, Cap’n, do you see that?”
“Aye. What do you suppose it is?”
“Dunno – it looks like – no, it can’t be . . . ”
“Bloody hell, it’s a f**king flying pig coming straight for us!”