I Object to PERVs

| December 18, 2018

Vegetable have feelings, too!

I vehemently object to the existence of PERVs, people eating raw vegetables. This abomination and utter cruelty in the form of peeling, slicing, dicing, shredding and in some cases, puréeing raw vegetables without their knowledge or consent must stop! Their smugness when they declare their vegetariansim and genuflect to carrots and cucumbers in the produce aisles is an affront to all that is good and tasty and makes a nice salade verte with Roquefort cheese crumbles.

Chomping on a helpless radish, tail and all, after dipping it in salt or ranch dressing, is an obscenity, never mind what happens to celery! Think of the poor celery stalk, unable to release itself from its roots, forced to wait until the Kitchen Aid slicer/dicer thingy has a go at it, and all for the sake of a pathetically selfish dish called Waldorf salad. Pity the poor raisins and nuts stuck in that mess with celery, grapes and diced apples, too, awash in mayonnaise, unable to even take a faint breath! These raw fruits and vegetables are condemned to wait for the final solution – mastication at the dinner table by uncaring, self-involved PERVs.

The horror!

A little sympathy is due the humble potato, too. Forced to await its doom in a bag with other potatoes, all sizes and all colors, with no sympathy or understanding for those root shoots starting to grow through the airholes in the bags! Skinned, quartered and dumped into boiling salted water, only to be turned into mashed potatoes, and drowned in thick, creamy gravy that accompanies a beef or pork roast, the humble potato awaits it fate at the hands of PERVs. But not to worry: potatoes are frequently thrust into a hot oven, removed, sliced open and squeezed while cheese, chives, and bacon crumbles are dumped on them! They are also subjected to being sliced, diced, shredded, and turned into long sticks, plunged into a vat of boiling fat from which they can only escape when the fry basket is pulled. Then the fried potatoes must endure being inspected for doneness, and if done to a turn and as crisp as an October morning, turfed out onto a cold plate to accompany a double cheeseburger with everything, extra pickles, onions, and ketchup on the side. And this grisly, greasy abomination is all for the sake of filling the stomachs of PERVs!

Did no one ever think to ask the potato “What would you like to do today”? A little sympathy is in order, isn’t it?

Be aware that the humble tomato, ripped untimely from its leafy vine, sent directly to a cold shower on a conveyor belt, with no choice in its destination, faces an even more uncertain fate. The tomato, being the flexible vegetable that it is, may be stewed and canned, cooked down into pasta sauce with basil, garlic, olive oil and salt, sliced into layers to fill the void in a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich with even more mayonnaise, or simply sliced or diced for a green salad with cucumbers, baby zucchini, green onions, radishes, and bell peppers, all of which are likewise given no choice in the matter of dressing, whether it is a stylish ranch dressing or a lemon juice and olive oil dressing, and must await their fate on a salad plate.

Even the humble rutabaga may fear the stew pot, after it is peeled, chopped and plunged into the gravy of the stew. The PERVs show no mercy in this regard.

And this is all for the sake of filling the fancies and stomachs of PERVs.

May PERVs rot from the root!

Category: "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves", WTF?

Comments (26)

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  1. thebesig says:

    This should bring out the sensitive, thinned skinned crowed. I’ll set up shop here. I can’t wait. :mrgreen: 💡

    • Club Manager, USA ret. says:

      Sorry ExPH2, I’m not liking this kinder, gentler TAH. How about less touchy feely and more kick ass. Out more imposters, etc.

      Also, how about an open line for all to post holiday greetings.
      Thank you.

      • Ex-PH2 says:

        We can do an open thread for anyone who wants to post holiday greetings, but next week would be better. Too early right now.

        But more impostors? They seem to have gone to ground, Club Manager. There were tons of them in the beginning, but the supply has dwindled.

        Anyone wnat to help out our Club Manager? He’s going through impostor withdrawal agonies.

        • Mr. Pete says:

          I’ll give you kick ass. I hate PERVs too. But let me tell you. I snack on raw Jalapeños. Nibble on them when I read. Tasty and makes my mouth burn. Yum. When I’ve been drinking too much Breckinridge Bourbon I nibble on Serrano peppers. My mouth is so hot. That’s some holiday cheer for you.

    • thebesig says:

      Originally posted by Club Manager:

      Also, how about an open line for all to post holiday greetings.
      Thank you.

      We anticipated that folks were going to want this, so earlier this week we scheduled more than one Christmas related thread for Monday and Tuesday where you guys can post Christmas greetings. One of them is an open thread.

  2. ChipNASA says:

    Sort of alone the same lines, I’ll just leave this right here.

    • Ex-PH2 says:

      Priceless!!! Thank you!!!

    • rgr1480 says:

      I’m sending that to the people at NASA Ames Research Center. Just received the below message:

      Celebrate Ames’ 79th Birthday with Cake on December 20, 2018

      Office of the Center Director

      Thursday, December 20, 2018, marks NASA Ames Research Center’s 79th Anniversary and signals the kick off of the 80th Anniversary year of events. Please join your Ames colleagues for a slice of cake starting at 11am at Mega Bites Café.

      The Center was established in 1939 as the second laboratory of the National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics (NACA) and was named for the chair of the NACA, Joseph S. Ames. It was located at Moffett Field in Sunnyvale, California, now at the heart of Silicon Valley. The Laboratory was renamed the NASA Ames Research Center with the formation of NASA in 1958.

      Happy Birthday to Ames!


      Center Director

  3. SGT Fon says:

    while i totally agree with everything you said, i must admit that the occasional bowl of Gazpacho on a hot summer day does wonders for me.its something i can really sink my gums in to! i mean its not like i actually have to hunt the tomatoes, Onions, Peppers or cucumbers in the wild, they have already started the slow road to their death when some farm hand picked them. the cilantro and garlic, well they are like the lizard tails of the vegetable world, cut it off and it grows right back!

  4. A Proud Infidel®™ says:

    Let’s NOT forget that multiple MILLIONS of innocent plants are needlessly slaughtered and butchered to feed the World’s Vegetarians. One solution is to EAT MORE HERBIVORES!

  5. 5th/77th FA says:

    While I can admit to masticating many a vegetable, raw, grilled, sauteed, boiled, and fried; may favorite recipe for veggie prep is as follows: Feed to a cow or pig. Grill cow or pig, slowly over a hickory wood fire.

    Add adult beverage as needed.

  6. 26Limabeans says:

    I always bring a salt shaker with me when visiting my neighbors garden.

  7. Veritas Omnia Vincit says:

    I always think vegetarians are in denial about what we are as a species, probably because they don’t eat enough animal protein and their brains suffer from that lack of protein.

    Apex predators eat pretty much everything below them on the food chain. Toss in omnivore and that’s pretty much eating everything plant or animal on the planet.

    They need to learn to bask in the reality of what they are and stop pretending they’re something else entirely.

  8. aGrimm says:

    In lieu of Jeff…

    Ah spare a guess that PERVs want whirled peas. I carrot less what they want. I say bean them! Squash them!

  9. nobunny says:

    I love vegetables. That’s why I let them LIVE… live dammit!

  10. David says:

    Predator’s eye’s face forward. Prey’s eyes face to the sides. Our eyes face forward. End of lesson.