William Derek Church; the Round Ranger
I’ve been giggling like a little girl since I sent this guy to Mary a few weeks ago. He’s like “The Round Marine” and Paul Tillson rolled into one. But his name is William Derek Church (he goes by Derek Church) and these are pictures from his wedding, I guess. He’s on Facebook somewhere, but I can’t find him. You can tell he’s legit because he doesn’t care that his Ranger beret is dressed over the wrong eye, and he wears the full-sized Purple Heart on the wrong side of his uniform.
He’s a steely-eyed killer who can’t be bothered with details like getting his drawers tailored. Yes, that’s a Ranger scroll with no tab on left shoulder;
I almost didn’t bother to get his records, because he has 8TFU written all over him. but we got his records today. He spent about 18 months in the Natural Guard (don’t blame me, blame the NPRC) and over a month on active duty. But he made it to PFC.
And see how the Purple Heart is on the left of his other medals that he’s wearing wrong? Well, that’s because he remembered that the highest medals are supposed to go closest to your heart – but that only counts when you wear them on the left side of your uniform, dingus. It took me forever to disabuse privates of that notion when we got the Valorous Unit Citation to add to the Presidential Unit Citation. They kept trying to put the PUC to the left of the VUC. Privates suck, just ask this guy.
ADDED: Here’s his Facebook, by the way.
Added by Sporkmaster.
It seems that he has another friend who faking along side him, because he was “there”. Also I like how his friend threatens to send the 75th Ranger Battalion on people. As if.
Added by Sporkmaster
Also it seems that we are finding out more about him from his local community.
Category: Phony soldiers
I wonder if Waddlin’ Willy hit the ground around Los Angeles, would it set off the San Andreas fault?
Don’t drop his fat ass near Yellowstone… may set off that caldera, the we’d all be screwed
So Derelict and his buddy Will Chamberlain are planning on doing some skydiving? The one and only time that I went skydiving (1982), it was about $100 a jump. Somehow, I don’t believe that a guy on the “Do Not Cash His Check” list at Family Dollar has any disposable income.
The only reason that Derek Church donates blood is for the free donuts.
A poker buddy of mine runs a rather popular skydiving biz just over the border in Maine. IIRC, getting a certification runs on the order of $2500-3000, then you can jump solo for about $50 a shot, etc. Otherwise, you’re a tandem with a certified skydiver, which goes for about $225, last I checked.
That’s a lot of welfare checks for him to be doing that.
And to think I use to get paid to jump ! $110.00 a month, only have to jump once every 3 months is what they said.. Hahaha but when your finally on Jump Status it seems like I was manifested every frigging week !
This piece of shit, sorry assed bastard, is such a loser that he cannot even formulate an apology to those he has aggrieved most. To apologize to his wife was probably done under duress, and was needed, but that he has yet to apologize to those whom he attempted to emulate is unforgivable and he needs to get all the grief we can fire his way. I think that even better than here at TAH, we should also be hitting that Lenoir Topix link. Last night it was up to 72 comments, perhaps 60 about him and the rest hijacked by some dummies talking politics.
Wow! In going over there to grab the link, I see that it has gone up to 89 comments. Didn’t read them yet but will after posting this:
http://www.topix.com/forum/city/lenoir-nc
Willian Dereck Church is so fat, his cellulite formed a dues paying union barginning unit … Associated Sorry Sh!tbags (ASS)!
I was looking at the Lenoir News and I found a job for William Derek Church within 10 miles of Lenoir.
http://jobview.local-jobs.monster.com/POS-Field-Technician-Job-Granite-Falls-NC-US-128550878.aspx?ch=newstopic
Its a POS Field Tech, he would be perfect as he is the biggest POS in a 100 mile radius of Lenoir !
Oh Wait POS doesn’t mean Piece of Shit !! Damn and I thought I found him some work !
I am just glad that the US military is lucky enough to be staffed with such competent medical personnel that they can help someone that has taken six rounds in the chest while serving in “Bagdad”, and said injured person has recovered with no visible damage to his body and is healed enough to do high altitude low opening jumps.
By the way, since he is rocking a Purple Heart, has anyone checked to see if he has PH plates on whatever POS car he is driving that has not been repossessed yet?
William Derek Church is so dumb and fat, when asked what time it is he always replies, “snack time!”
William Derek Church has been channeling Will Rogers; He never met a meal that he didn’t like.
William Derek Church was awarded Soldier Of The Quarter…..Pounder!
Ok Folks lets not let this die out, gotta keep it Number one on the search engines !
William Derek Church William Derek Church William Derek Church
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William Derek Church William Derek Church William Derek Church
is a SHIT BAG !
Ha Ha Ha,
Hee Hee Hee,
There goes Derek Church-y!
I didn’t read all 771 posts. Please, someone let me know if the car was saved?
Thanks in advance.
Don’t know, RPR. A search committee has been formed, to make that determination.
Well, Mrs. Church made quite an impression. An impression on the hood of that poor automobile.
I wonder if she struts around with a t-shirt reading “Poser Wife – Toughest Job In The Pretend Army”?
@772 RPR The car is safe! I repeat the car is safe! But it has been quarantined for its own protection! Currently under going massive testng to ensure its health and vitality after being so defiled..
“Sir, would you PLEASE put away those candy bars! This is Overeaters Anonymous.”
Church: “Oh. Sorry.”
“Sir, by putting them away, I did not mean for you to stuff them in your mouth.”
Church: Swallows quickly and farts loudly.
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Church: Gets up grunting and farts again.
“Sheesh. Would someone please open a window or two? And sir?”
Church: “Yes?”
“The chair you were sitting on is protruding from your ass.”
Church: “Want it?”
“No. Just don’t come back here.”
William Derek Church stole valor. He is a thief!
The only combat William Derek Church has ever seen is fighting the other fat asses for the last donuts at the Krispy Kreme.
Holy bat-guano, Batman! This thread has some funny ca-ca!!
I was watching Family Feud, and the following took place:
Steve Harvey: Name a worthless piece of shit military poser that had the audacity to get married in the most fucked up military uniform ever recorded on film.
Contestant: We are going to go with William Derek Church.
Steve Harvey: Show me William Derek Church!
The board turns over, revealing 100 people chose William Derek Church. Then they show the photo. Half the audience is laughing, while the other half is vomiting imagining the bride and groom copulating.
At comment number 163, Mr William Church provided a synopsis of his military career and while a multitude of questionable issues exist, I picked a few that, I believe, any Army member, Past or Present, would recognize as strange. 1. At the top of this page is a partial copy of a DA Form 2-1 indicating Mr Church began BCT at Ft Benning on 21 June 1994 “Completed Basic Combat Training (BCT) in August 1994.” That seems strange in that Ft Benning operates as a OSUT (One Station Unit Training) Location. i.e. Integrated BCT/AIT as one Unit and Station. 2. Mr Church indicate he attended “RIP – Ranger Initiation Processing Immediately following Airborne School also as a volunteer from End of October 1995 – December 1995” Every Ranger I ever dealt with knew “RIP – Ranger Indoctrination Program.” Additionally, RIP only gets you in the door and a wealth of other training programs are required to be a Fully Trained Ranger, Mr Church doesn’t appear to have done any. 3. Mr Church indicates he attended “ANOC and BNOC January – February 1996, upon completion given Corporal Rank.” While these courses are commonly pronounced “B-NOC” and “A-NOC” they are spelled “BNCOC” and “ANCOC”, also he did not qualify for those classes as an E-4. He might have attended “PLDC?” 4. Mr Church indicates his “First Discharge due to Psych Evaluation September 1996.” A “Psych” discharge is significant and causes to question if this may have been a Section 8? With the significant emphasis placed on Soldier’s Mental Health since the beginning of the War in Afghanistan it seems Very Questionable that he would have been allowed back into the Army Reserve only 2 years following a “Psych Discharge?” If this had been a minor issue why was he not placed on TDRL (Temporary Disabled Retired List) as this would have given up to 5 years to recover and once cured returned to Active Duty. Additionally, while on TDRL he would have been paid. One last issue is when the 75th took off to war they reassigned anyone with a P3 and… Read more »
While attending a Joint Service communication class at Ft. Gordon (I was a Marine Corps Staff Sergeant), my graduation certificate had “SSG” as my rank. Maybe he was just reciprocating to restore balance in the universe. I have no idea if they listed Marine Corps E7 as a SFC or GySgt.
From AirCav:
“Sheesh. Would someone please open a window or two? And sir?”
Church: “Yes?”
“The chair you were sitting on is protruding from your ass.”
Church: “Want it?”
“No. Just don’t come back here.”
You bust me up all the time AirCav.
To William Derek Church: Fuck You. Just… Fuck You.
@781,
The 2-1 is correct as far as I can tell. William Derek Church, the Rotund Ranger, was in the Guard. The National Guard allows young men and women to attend basic training during the summer between their Junior and Senior years in high school. After graduation they attend AIT. The rest of your post is correct. William Derek Church is a fatass POS who was discharged right after or during AIT. Probably the only true thing William Derek Church has stated was that he was booted due to psychiatric problems.
I just wonder how soon he’ll wake up after his/its last doughnut-guzzling binge and start threatening to “lawer up” on us?
Just a recap on William Derek Church, here is his self proclaimed Military career, of course no documentation to back any of it up. Lets keep the heat on this TURD ! From: William Derek Church Enlisted in ANG with SGT Donnie Hawkins In February 9th of 1994 Completed Basic Training In August of 1994 October 14-16 of 1994 Ft. Bragg Weapons Qualification November 5-6 of 1994 Ft. Bragg Advanced Individual Training December 3-4 of 1994 Ft. Benning Family Day, Semi Annual Show down inspection and CTT Prep January 21-22 of 1995 Ft. Benning Combat Tactical Training and Inspection February 11-12 of 1995 Ft. Benning Combat Tactical Training, Individual Training, Weapons Maintence. March 7-19 of 1995 Ft. Bragg Platoon Action Readiness Testing and preparation. April 1-2 of 1995 Ft. Benning Prep Load out for AT and FTX April 22 of 1995 Orders received to report to Ft. Benning, GA for 11B AIT May 14, 1995 Ft. Benning AT/FTX recovery and equipment cleaning June 10-11 of 1995 Ft. Benning Individual training and maintence July 15-16 of 1995 Ft. Bragg Squad Training, Advanced Readiness Training August 08 1995 Report to Ft. Benning 30th AG for 11B AIT September 30 1995 Completion of AIT Ft. Benning, received PV3 Airborne School- Immediately following AIT as a volunteer October 1995; Received E-4 Specialist RIP- Ranger Initiation Processing- Immediately following Airborne School also as a volunteer From End of October 1995- December 1995 ANOC and BNOC- January- February of 1996; upon Completion given Corporal rank. Completion of Sniper School- March 15, 1996- May 1996 Upon completion of sniper school received first deployment orders to Panama. Served During the War on Drugs PANAMA- 28May1996-10Aug1996 First Discharge due to psych eval Sept 1996. Re-enlistment to Reserve Status in July of 1998 Worked for NC Division of Prisons in Aug 1998-Sept 2001 Received Orders on 13 Sept 2001 for activation for the 75th Ranger RGT. Deployed to Iraq; Boots on Ground 20 Sept 2001- March 2003 Field Promoted to SSGT August 10, 2003 Rotated home 30days Deployed to Afghanistan May 2003-May 2004 Came home 2 weeks end of Jan… Read more »
Deployed to Iraq 20 Sept 2001 through March 2003? He must have been on the advance party. And with what command did he deploy to Iraq, and with whom did he deploy with? Is he so bad ass that the sent him down range with a rifle, one box if MRE’s and his government credit card to cover incidentals?
Damn it, review before posting! Please make pen and ink change to read “Is he so bad ass that they sent him down range with a rifle, one box of MRE’s and his government credit card to cover incidentals.”
Hack Stone Publishing regrets the error.
@787: Fatboy must’ve been on super-secret squirrel orders to conduct advance liaison with the Kurds, and then subsequently caused a near-famine in Iraqi Kurdistan when he ate up all of the Kurds’ food supplies…
@787–don’t give him any ideas. Next thing you know he’ll claim that the DoD made up a cover story of chaptering him for unauthorized government credit card use, but actually keeps him on a “black card” limit when they need to send him to Asscrackastan to take out the children of Colonel Wat Du Phuck.
I find it pathetic that William Derek Church thinks that those here with military experience would believe that his “service record” as he posted here, is real.
Waddlin’ Willy was last deployed on a Sooper Sekret Skwirrel mission to Outer Dumfukistan, where he impersonated the dictator General Mi Soo Phatt. He was single handedly responsible for collapsing the nations food reserves, allowing NATO troops to invade under the guise of humanitarian relief and overthrow the dictatorial government. The only reason the Round Ranger didn’t get the MoH for his exploits is because it cost NATO nations billions to replenish the food reserves that Willy Longpants had consumed.
New link for two more site…
http://beforeitsnews.com/opinion-conservative/2014/01/william-derek-church-the-round-ranger-2788740.html
http://freenorthcarolina.blogspot.com/2014/01/william-derek-church-round-ranger.html
I just figured it out. Seriously, hahaha. All the dates and training between his basic and AIT are National Guard weekend drills and one two-week AT. LMAO! Everything after that, is, of course, complete bullshit, however.
National Guard fat-bodies don’t go to Air-Assault, nor, señor dumbass, do they “volunteer” for Ranger school. To go to Ranger school in the guard, you go through a very rigorous selection process. The Guard isn’t going to waste that kind of a training opportunity or money on someone unless they’re damn sure they’re gonna pass. Hell, our battalion did the exact same thing just to go to air-assault school.
Also, the 75th Ranger Regiment isn’t going to call up a National Guard psych discharge to go to war with them, lmao! Also, it is impossible for you to go to ANOC and BNOC (LOL!) in two months. Both of those schools are 4-week courses. Also, William Derek Church is a fat, ugly, stupid, lying, chickenshit, worthless human being who needs to go apologize to all the trees for wasting the oxygen they worked so hard to make.
That is all.
In the very long time that I have been reading, following, commenting at this site, every poser, to a man, has in some way, been given the chance to unfuck himself. This was also true with this turd. That he has chosen to “go dark”, shows that he doesn’t deserve the courtesy of our appreciation if he should choose to come here now with hat in hand. He is aware that we are aware. Even if he has no resources to get online since his wife left him, surely there is a library in town, and that library has a computer from which he can reach us.
As a former Airborne Infantry type, (peacetime service only), the single biggest thing that he did that I just cannot accept and rationalize is his wearing of the Purple Heart Medal. My father had one, and an OLC, and would never wear his, even to his “Military Order of the Purple Heart” chapter meetings. NEVER.
That this sorry assed welfare riding, useless piece of shit, does is unfuckingforgiveable. I want his phone number, I am going to keep on attempting to reply to him by e-mail, as he requested, I will not stop with him, just as I will not relent on the still faking it asshole Kyle Barwan.
“All the dates and training between his basic and AIT are National Guard weekend drills and one two-week AT.”
Looks like he copied the training schedule. I’m betting a fuck-up like Waddlin’ Willie the donut slayer missed more than a few of those drills and spent a lot of time guarding( and rat-fucking) the MREs while the other guys trained.
Bitch.
Turd
WILLIAM DEREK CHURCH, THE ROUND RANGER
Jelly and custard-filled doughnuts quiver in fear at the sound of his name!!
I would love to have a conversation with his wife about now.
Curious as to what she will do….
She is probably trying to bag a member of the Kiss Army.
Real KISS? Or mini-KISS?
Still waiting on Waddlin Willie the Wotund Wangers apology…
When oh when will William Derek Church come back here, man up, confess to his lies, and apologize? I am betting never, but might as well keep the google hits on his phony ass up.
William Church has contacted Gregory Banks for grief couselling.
William Derek Church we are going nowhere. We will be here to cause you grief for the rest of your life until you apologize.
Man William Derek Church you really are a shit bag, you cant really think that ignoring this mess will make it go away.
So man phonies and so little time, I agree Willie is probably hitch hiking to CT for his Session with Gregory C Banks .. They can swap stories about how the received their Purple Hearts! Maybe Gregory has a car they can both live in when this is all over.
“Waddlin Willie the Wotund Wanger” best epithet I have ever seen on this site. Even better than Ballduster McSoulpatch, because I don’t have to explain it to my kids…
Turd
Generally, a log-shaped piece of shit.
Nevertheless, they are also found in coil-shape,loch ness monster shape, mushroom-cloud shape, and even
William Derek Church shape.