Worst military movies
Last week, we talked about the best war movies. Our friends at WeAreTheMighty list the seven “cheesiest” military movies. There are scads of them, probably many more than the enjoyable movies we talked about last week. My entry, though, for the worst military-themed movie of all time is “Flesh Wounds” starring Kevin Sorbo. If, for nothing else, the portrayal of their commanding officer;
The colonel wears his ribbons on his camouflage uniform inspiring phonies everywhere. It looks like his highest award is Berlin Army of Occupation Medal (and he’s wearing it upside down). If that’s not bad enough, he’s wearing Specialist rank (E-4) on his sleeves with colonel birds on his collar. That’s just one character, so if you haven’t seen it, count yourself lucky. It’s a good drinking game movie though.
Category: Who knows
‘Now I Won the War’. Absolute crap.
Basic. /thread
Yeah, Basic was pretty bad. I don’t think I saw as much rain the whole time I was in Panama as I saw in the movie.
The John Travolta Basic? Yeah. A Master Sergeant who wears SPC rank halfway through the movie, wears a poncho like a Superman cape, and the movie itself almost loses track of its own conspiracy.
As entertainment it wasn’t that bad. Will concede the point on accuracy.
I’d go with Pauley Shore’s “In the Army Now” as probably one of those. Steve Martin’s “SGT Bilko” might also be on that list, although I found that one funnier than In the Army Now. I do agree that Hurt Locker should be on that list though.
you beat me to it while I was looking up the reference 😉
At least those two movies were designed to be “don’t take us too serious” comedies. Plenty of other movies make the same errors with a straight face.
In the Army Now w/ Pauly Shore http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110123/
Throw Crimson Tide on that pile.
Really? You must not like The Hunt for Red October, either.
This comment explains in a nutshell why there are no more action movies, or movies in general, with intelligence. Inject any intelligence into an action movie, and it gets bashed, like The World is Not Enough or Crimson Tide, or forgotten, like The Rock or Demolition Man. And if it’s a submarine movie, it gets ignored and forgotten altogether regardless.
I enjoyed Crimson Tide except for two issues: the plot couldn’t actually happen in real life, and they threw some needless racism in at the end. There are a few inaccuracies for how life is really like on a sub, but they weren’t terribly bad.
A few? They got about dick point shit right.
Ditto on Crimson Tide. I managed to see in in Annapolis with a few Midshipmen that I knew. I almost got tossed out of the theater because of my loud commentary. The CO with the dog onboard, the chief with the AFU uniform, video of a boat rigged for surface as the crew is diving. Just all around bad.
While an interesting movie, if one were to evaluate it based on accuracy it sucks. SPOILER ALERT (in case you haven’t seen the movie):
While I was never in the Navy or on a Sub, I imagine their launch protocols mirror USAF ones in that in absence of a full and complete stand down message the first message ordering a launch remains valid. Therefore since the second message was cut off and incomplete, the first order which directed them to launch was valid and should have been followed.
“In the Valley of Elah,” starring Tommy Lee Jones.
Rambo.
As entertainment, it was quite good. However, it was also hugely damaging – it was instrumental in creating and/or perpetuating the post-Vietnam “vet made crazy by the military” myth.
The latest “Rambo” is, however, one of the only movies that I’ve seen that gives the Ma Deuce .50 cal her due.
I was actually “shushed” more than once at a screening of the “The Hurt Locker.” The snorts of derision and laughter coming from me kept getting louder and louder apparently. I finally dropped a purposely loud “Oh For F(cks Sake” (when the lead wanders off the FOB)and walked out of the theater. Monumentally bad movie.
I second that. I have lost count of how many times I was asked by people, “Is that how it was done over there”.
Then they would ask why? I would ask them if they would do it that way and they would respond with a resounding “NO” because it was too dangerous.
You don’t buy the SF/Sniper/EOD character?
Pearl Harbor
(plus it has Alec Baldwin as Jimmy Doolittle)
A movie reviewer called The Nostalgia Critic is usually very sarcastic yet informative with his reviews. He breaks character and spends 10 minutes cussing out Michael Bay for turning the event of Pearl Harbor into a punchline.
http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-pearl-harbor/
(I don’t know how to embed a video on here)
I enjoy a lot of Michael Bay movies. You suspend your disbelief (and common sense), turn your brain off for two hours, and have fun. I can apply this method and enjoy the hell out of “Armageddon,” “Transformers,” “The Rock,” etc.
However, I can’t stress this enough. The movie “Pearl Harbor” FUCKING SUCKED DONKEY DICK!!! MICHAEL BAY SHOULD BURN IN THE VERY BOWELS OF HELL FOR THAT SHITSHOW!!! Even if I wasn’t such a history nerd, that crapsack is obviously nothing at all like the real story. A friend of mine is the grandson of a survivor of the USS Oklahoma, one of the guys who was trapped in her engineering spaces when she capsized and was rescued later. He openly thanked God that his grandpa didn’t live to see the insult that was That Fucking Chickenshit Movie.
Here’s a song for you
Whoops, here’s a better link
On the good side, “83Charlie (Mopic)” is a low budget film a friend of mine did camera work on.
Agreed always thought the movie was interesting because of the attempt at showing a different perspective viewpoint during the process.
Pedantic point: I believe it was 84 Charlie Mopic. 😉
Great movie though. Very different from most of the Vietnam crap that came out in the 80’s.
Make that 84C
Oh yeah, almost forgot Redacted.
Everyone hates hurt Locker, I like that movie. I don’t care how unrealistic it is, it is about getting lost in the military, I thought it was good based on that alone (If they would’ve had Navy EOD guys in place of Army EOD guys in that movie it would’ve been more believable because Navy EOD guys are straight badasses and I have never seen another branches EOD out perform them). One movie I would like to add is American Soldiers I believe it is called. That movie is just ridiculous. And this next one is the worst movie scene in a war movie, but not worst as in terrible, but worst as in fucking brutal and I wanto shoot that CPL in the face for being a bitch, but the stabbing scene in Saving Private Ryan. I saw that when I was 10 or 11 the first time, a little scaring. I just watched it a month or two ago and I ended up skipping most of that scene. But American Soldiers, definitely one of the worst war movies ever made.
Worst military movies?
1- Shooter
2- Hurt locker
3- Basic
Stripes!
You hate “Stripes?” What the hell is wrong with you?
It’s the EM-50 documentary right? The Training film regarding the heavily armed recreational vehicles invading Czechoslovakia?
Little known fact, Stripes was made with the full cooperation of the US Army…draw your own conclusions there, I prefer to think the Army occasionally has a sense of humor.
So was “FireBirds” which sucked so hard it ripped a hole in the space/time continuum.
Yea, the sense of humor also being the Gamma Goat that had a cameo shot in the movie.
How could anyone not like ‘Stripes’?
Warren Oates owned SGT Hulka. I saw him do a lot of other things, but that one role was, IMHO, his best ever.
Warren Oates: Bring me the Head of Alfredo Garcia. THAT was his best ever…
Concur!
Lighten up, Frances
“Are either of you homosexuals?”
[awkward glance]
“You mean…*flaming* homosexuals? Uhh…no. But we’re willing to learn!”
Under Siege and Executive Decision off the top of my head.
Executive Decision gets some credit for killing Segal right away.
+1000
Eggs…BIG DITTO!!! Anything with Steven Seagal sucks. What a loser actor and pathetic wannabe. I also vote for “Uncommon Valor”, a real low point for Gene Hackman. Anything with Jesse Ventura, Tex (Hit me Again) Cob, or other pro wrestlers or boxers.
You guys gotta watch Revanant if you get a chance, please please please check it out. It is about a LT who for god knows why is driving a duece and a half in Iraq while an E6 is the Vehicle Commander (If I remember it correctly) then they get ambushed, he gets killed and buried in his grave in his ASU’s and turns into a vampire. It is a dark comedy I think, but you guys should check it out over some beers on a day with nothing better to do, you won’t be disappointed. Well, you might be a little, but maybe not.
Hey, I’ve never seen Revanant but I am IN it. I play a newsman who is being briefed on the living dead soldiers. And my bad military movie? The Green Berets starring John Wayne. The Pine trees in ‘Nam. The sunset in the east. And, oh yeah, the tasty dialogue, “Was my Peter-son brave?”
That’s awesome one of my favorite B movies.
Almost every Air Force-centric movie in the 1980s. They were all just advertisements for the F-16. (Iron Eagle franchise, Blue Thunder)
I did and still do like Blue Thunder, even with the silly whisper mode and turbo boost features. I have a cool die cast of that helicopter as well (too old and impatient to build models these days).
“F. E. Cochran. What’s F. E. stand for?”
“Fuck everybody.”
“Annoying little cocksucker, isn’t he?”
“Hey, I finally figured out what JAFO means – Just Another F*cking Observer”
Navy SEALs
Still a better movie than Act of Valor.
GI Jane
Valley of Elah
Full Metal Jacket (should be Full Metal Retards)
Rules of Engagement (not a war movie, but still oddly infuriating)
I can’t argue with anyone else’s picks as most of those suck ass hard as well…
Act of Valor. A confusing mess of a recruiting commercial turned into a lame movie.
We were soldiers was terrible. Which is too bad because it’s a great book but the characters all came off as cardboard cutouts.
Word.
I have to add two movies that I was very disappointed in:
Zero Dark Thirty
Lone Survivor
The BOOKS were great. The movies were disappointing because they didn’t do the books justice, particularly LS.
Oh, I almost forgot Mel Gibson’s other insult to American history, “The Patriot.” Once again, Gibson takes a great story and turns it into a moronic film.
Loved it.
Air America. More crap.
I liked Air America — as entertainment.
Would ‘Men Who Stare At Goats’ fit in here? The movie was hilarious, but as far as being factual…well…
I liked the movie, “AIR AMERICA”, because, when I was stationed at the Phu Lam Signal Battalion in the suburbs of Saigon, I remember watching a few of their Swiss manufactured Pilatus “Porter” airplanes taking off from Ton Son Nhut Air Force Base.
Since I was a new guy, my fellow soldiers explained that Air America was really a front for the Central Intelligence Agency.
I reckon what got my attention was the unusual construction of those airplanes.
I’d never seen anything like it before.
Years later, I was wondering why I never saw one of those Pilatus “Porter” aircraft, manufactured in Switzerland, here in the United States, and someone explained that the FAA wouldn’t certify them.
If so I wonder why that is?
http://youtu.be/kEb74IquE1A
“Jarhead 2: Field of Fire”?!
How do you make a sequel based on an autobiography and abandon literally everything besides the title?!
How do you make a sequel based on an autobiography and abandon literally everything besides the title?!
Welcome to Hollywood friend!
My issue with Full Metal Jacket is that the only characters anyone really cares about are killed off halfway through (Pyle and DI Hartman)…all most people remember from the second half are “me so h**ny” and “…you just don’t lead ’em so much.”
What about Animal Mother, “Firefly’s” own Adam Baldwin?
I probably missed the boat on Animal Mother…I stand corrected, sir.
Imagine if a DVD special edition included a “Where Are They Now?” segment like the “Animal House” DVD (“And of course, we all know what became of John “Bluto” Blutarsky: he is now the President of the United States!”).
Joker, being the embellishing asshole that he is, would undoubtedly be on TAH’s shit list for inflating his own record from combat correspondent to “steely-eyed LRRP team killer and Medal of Honor recipient who was the inspiration for the John Rambo character.”
What would Animal Mother do later in life? Priest? Guidance counselor? Kindergarten teacher?
Poet Laureate
Public relations.
The biggest flaw in FMJ is the movie is basically two movies stitched together. Boot Camp could fade out with the two deaths and we’d all still be satisfied.
It’s actually true to the book in that respect. I enjoyed the book (it’s called “Short Timers.”)
Private Benjamin with Goldie Hawn. I actually saw that when I was at Fort Benning right after OSUT.
Yeah, that one was pretty damn bad.
The Korean War era brought a bunch of war movies, most of them dealing with weak/inept soldiers with a slew of personal problems and writers/directors who wished to make social statements. They sucked.
I especially abhor was movies in which there is a military consultant yet the radio traffic includes “over and out.”
When I went through radio training during BASIC, the instructor warned, “IF I HEAR EITHER ‘OVER AND OUT’ OR ‘BREAKER 1-9’ LIKE YOU WERE SMOKEY AND THE F*****G BANDIT, I’LL SKIN ALL OF YOU ALIVE!!!”
Sure enough, some knucklehead said, “over and out,” and we got smoked for an hour.
I don’t remember any “Radio Training” in my Basic Combat Training, which was the Winter of 1968 at Fort Lewis, Washington.
But, I understand the Army no longer teaches Bayonet Fighting, which we did practice.
What about Hand to Hand Combat?
Does the Army still have that as part of Basic Combat Training?
As for “Radio Training”, when I went through the Screaming Eagle Replacement Training School (i.e., “SERTS”, also known as “P” Training) at Camp Evans, Republic of Viet Nam (West of QL-1, between Hue and Quang Tri), we were taught how to call for artillery support and air support.
Later on, after I’d completed that required in-Country training, and had been assigned to my unit, the 501st Signal Battalion (Airmobile), a group of replacements in that radio portion of the course were wounded or killed when NVA sappers booby trapped the outdoor bleachers the trainees were occupying.
Does anyone else remember that incident?
I was at FLW, MO in ’89 and our “radio training” was about a day’s worth of basic commo stuff.
Roger Wilco!
“Able Baker Charlie, this is Roger Fox Dogs!”
“Oh wow, man . . . someone’s talking pretty bad about Roger!”
(smile)
“I got to go… reprimer the jeep, yea…”
(smiling) Someone remembers the classics!
Dave’s not here, man!!
Shhh! Be quiet, I think the cops saw me!
“Basketball Jones featuring Tyrone Shoelaces” was a trip.
I saw one of the GI Joe movies with my grandsons…the one with “The Rock” who was apparently a 1SG (who sported a goatee) … what really got me was one of the soldiers made a pact with “The Rock” that is some event happened, “you’ll have to accept your next promotion.” oh, brother
Is that the same one where that one stupid chick calls the AK a “Kalishnikov” instead of a “Kalashnikov”? I actually screamed in the movie theater!
Purple Hearts.
“In middle of the Vietnam war a Navy surgeon and a nurse fall in love while serving in Vietnam during the war. Their affection for one another provides a striking contrast to the violence of warfare.”
The Thin Red Line (1998) with Sean Penn has got to be the worst of the worst. I remember seeing that piece of trash when I was at Bethesda.
True story, I went to see this tripe with my wife, I was about ready to walk out when the film melted and they couldn’t restart the movie. They turned the lights on and asked if anyone would like to stay while they worked on it, or take free tickets to a different film…needless to say we went and enjoyed some lighter more entertaining fare…
Anyone remember “Tribes” which was a TV movie that came out in 1970? It had Jan Michael Vincent and also “the old man” from A Christmas Story.
Yep! I thought of Tribes when I saw this topic.
Darren McGavin was the DI.
Sorry to step on someone but,
Missing In Action 1-2-3
Rambo all (Stallone was a draft dodge “counselor”)
Iron Eagle all
Didn’t one of the Iron Eagle movies have Sgt Foley and some teenage kid rescuing the kid’s dad? oh, brother
I would imagine that vets watching “The Hurt Locker” sound a lot like me watching “Chicago Fire”…
“Bullshit…bullshit…Put your gear on right, dumbass…bullshit…stupid…wouldn’t work…bullshit…bullshit…AWW HELL NO!”
Drives my wife crazy, which for me is half the entertainment value of watching that dumbass show (the other half is that Eamon Walker as the Battalion Chief is an excellent leadership study in an otherwise mostly retarded show).
Believe me that you’re not the only one who does that. I couldn’t watch any kind of military movie with my ex and not get a running commentary. It’s not that I wasn’t interested in what he had to say, just…not IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKIN’ MOVIE!!
Anybody here remember “Battle of the Bulge” from 1965? Hands-down the worst big-budget WWII epic movie of the sixties. It was silly, hokey, and pretty much completely fictional and totally ahistorical, and it was filmed in tropical Spain(!)
Yes, I was truly ashamed to see Henry Fonda in that.
My five year old is quickly becoming a military history buff and I had to reconcile the differences between BotB and Patton. He saw BotB and asked “where did the snow go?”
Firebirds!!
But with Bridget Marshall in the lead role instead of Nicholas Cage.
Filmed at my military alma mater, Fort Huachuca. A suckier movie it’s hard to imagine.
I know this is supposed to be movies, but MASH after Alda took over directing. I was crushed when it happened. The old MASH was one of my favorite shows and that POS turned into an antiwar platform.
I may or may not have seen a pr0n ripoff (tribute?) of MASH about a year before I met my wife and gave up that sort of thing (I swear!) that was pretty damn funny, explicit sex scenes notwithstanding. It was set in the Frank-Trapper-LtCol Blake era and included such one-liners as, “Attention all personnel! I-Corps has ordered us to prepare to pack up and evacuate! The Chinese are taking territory and they’re not giving it back! General MacArthur is PISSED!”
Plus the…uh…actresses are pretty easy on the eyes. The title was “Not MASH.”
Are you sure it wasn’t GASH: Guam Army Sex Hotel? 😉
http://youtu.be/bjlNQEo20ng
Written by a fourteen (14) year old boy, the lyrics refer to a lonely, depressed dentist serving with the United States Army in the Republic of Korea, whose nickname is, “Suicide”, and who specializes in pain free dentistry.
“SONG FROM M*A*S*H
(SUICIDE IS PAINLESS)”
Lyrics by: MIKE ALTMAN
Music by: JOHNNY MANDEL
VERSE # 01:
Through early morning fog, I see
Visions of the things to be.
The pains that are withheld from me,
I realize and I can see,
CHORUS:
Suicide is painless.
It brings on many changes,
And I can take or leave it if I please.
VERSE # 02:
I try to find a way to make
All our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate.
But, now, I know that it’s too late.
VERSE # 03:
The game of life is hard to play.
I’m gonna lose it anyway.
The losing card, I’ll someday lay.
So, this is all I have to say,
VERSE # 04:
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I’m beat,
And to another, give my seat,
For that’s the only painless feat.
VERSE # 05:
The sword of time will pierce our skins.
It doesn’t hurt when it begins.
But, as it works its way on in,
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin.
VERSE # 06:
A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key.
“Is it to be, or not to be”,
And I replied, “Oh, why ask me?”
TAPS. I know a lot of people consider it a classic but the whole plot is silly.
+1
Friends and family used to wonder if this was what I did during my time in high school in ROTC.
I imagine the producers said “Let’s get George C Scott to play a retired Patton and have these kids spout as much jargon that we can fit on a script page.”
The highlight of the movie is George C Scott putting down golfers…and when he shot that punk kid who had it coming.
GI Jane?
The Generals daughter. ..
John Travolta is CID the end.
That’s too bad, because it was an awesome book! DeMille is a fantastic writer.
Agreed!
Surprised nobody has mentioned both Red Dawn movies.
Because they were CINEMATIC greatness.
Except for the NoRKs in the remake. How the hell are the NoRKs going to invade the US.
Oh wait, that’s a fatal flaw in the original. Cubans in Colorado? riiiiiiight…
You don’t like Red Dawn?
What a commie!
If you didn’t like the original “Red Dawn” (remake wasn’t bad, but inferior overall to the original), you are not American.
This one: Indochine
It almost ignores the French-Indochina war when the days of Colonial France were ending and the Marxist revolutionaries were beginning to cluster. It glosses over the real impact of that on both the French and the Vietnamese, doesn’t even address the release of French POWs, and simply focuses on DeNeuve as an opium-addicted plantation owner drifting through the end of her place in life.
Granted, it’s not specifically military, but there was surely more presence by the French army than ever shows in this simpering movie that goes nowhere, even as a brief slice of life at the end of an era and the beginning of something else.
In the Army Now (1994)
I would also say American Ninja: 2, but I like Steve James.
Worst uniforms and plot. A couple of “Rangers” called into assist Marines and help fight Communist(?), cloned Ninjas in the Caribbean that were employed by a drug lord.
80’s at its best!
Boys in Company C – first half inwas OK but the last half sucked. I remember hearing that when they showed in at the Bad Tolz theater, when the scene near the end of the Special Force Major hiding behind a little kid came on, a bunch of enfuriated Group guys in the audience there trashed the theater. Movie had every bad cliché known to mankind. Only redeeming points were Stan Shaw and Gunny.
Featuring a young R. Lee Ermey in his first film role as a USMC DI. 😉
David…I agree first opening moments were great. I give you:
“Washington checked his package, The boys checked their package, And I’m checkin’ my package. Now, you little wheyfaced, disloyal bum, are you checkin’ your package or do you have a package?”
I heard a similar exchange in the first moments. Dude spits tobacco and the DS screams,
“Hey YOU, shit head who the fuck told you you could spit on MY field?!”
Are you chewing a fuckin’ turd?!”
Dude, “Naw…it’s tobacco”.
“What the fuck did you say? Did you just say NAW???!!!
“If any of you ever fuckin’ say NAW to me again I’ll kick your fuckin’ turd stained teeth in! You say SIR to me!!!”
“Who told you you could fuckin’ chew tobacco in my world you son of a bitch! Get that shit outta your mouth now!”
Dude puts finger in mouth, sweeps and leans to spit.
“Don’t fuckin’ spit it you dumb son of a bitch…swallow it you fuckin’ cum stain!”
Things only got worse for him but…I learned my first lesson out of it. I had heeded my fathers only words of advice, “Keep your mouth shut and listen to everything”.
Uncommon Valor with Randall “Tex” Cobb and Tim Thomerson.
But for the ladies, it did have Patrick Swayze in it.
CLAW131…That’s Tex “Hit me Again” Cob the failed boxer. A low point for Gene Hackman.
Yep, that’s what Ken Norton did to him over and over and over.
Another low point for Gene Hackman was “The Package”
I couldn’t make it through Stripes or Basic…I was really trying to like Stripes, too.
I did finish Apocalypse Now but I really, really hated it. It was so determined to show that leadership in the field is stupid, crazy, or both. And I know it’s supposed to be based on Heart of Darkness, and I like Joseph Conrad, but not Apocolypse Now…not now, not ever.
I also hated Braveheart (if that even counts as “military”) because of all the potential it wasted…I’d read some of the history and was disappointed that such interesting characters and events were made so cardboard-flat. Otherwise I might’ve enjoyed it on the Death Before Dishonor level.
ALBERICH wrote:
“I also hated Braveheart”
________________________________
You might prefer reading the novel, “IN FREEDOM’S CAUSE”, written in 1885 by George Alfred Henty.
You can read it, FREE, at this URL:
http://books.google.com/books/reader?id=NBcGAAAAQAAJ&printsec=frontcover&output=reader&source=gbs_atb_hover&pg=GBS.PP6
When I tested that link, I was surprised to see that it wouldn’t work from the “THIS AIN’T HELL” web site, but it did work from my own web site, “OUR ETERNAL STRUGGLE”, where I have it linked in my “LIBRARY” column.
The URL for my web site is:
http://writesong.blogspot.com/
However, it works from the “THIS AIN’T HELL” web site if you change the cookie settings in your Google Chrome browser.
See if this URL is any better:
https://play.google.com/books/reader?id=Y4JWAAAAMAAJ&printsec=frontcover&output=reader&hl=en
Well, that didn’t work, either.
I reckon why it works from my web site, “OUR ETERNAL STRUGGLE”, is that it’s hosted by BLOGGER, which is merged with GOOGLE, and GOOGLE wants everybody to use their CHROME browser.
Even if you use the CHROME browser, you still have to change the cookie settings.
Well, it’s mox nix anyway.
Just go to my web site, “OUR ETERNAL STRUGGLE”, and scroll down the “LIBRARY” column until you see, “IN FREEDOM’S CAUSE”.
I reckon that’ll work with any browser, because I’m using Internet Explorer.
Alberich: aw, c’mon. How can anyone hate a film that gave us this classic scene (make sure the kids aren’t around when you play it):
Don’t think that’s an Occupation Medal. White’s in the middle, not on the edges. Kosovo maybe?
Amateurs.
Osombie not being included? Nice try. The first scene is of special forces going shirtless to shoot zombies and included is a katana wielding chick
Speaking of zombies…’World War Z.’ The book was FANTASTIC. The movie was a DOG.
Fire Birds (1990) with Nicholas Cage and Tommy Lee Jones… Just terrible.
How bad?
The DEA and US Army team up to take on South American drug dealers! The big finale is with air-to-air combat involving four AH-64 Apaches and an OH-58 Kiowa versus the drug cartels Scorpion attack helicopter and two Drakken fighter jets.
The Army just had to try and have their version of Top Gun…..