Sec. Mabus: We’re all SEALs now
Navy Secretary Ray Mabus announced today in a hastily-assembled press conference that everyone in the Navy is now a SEAL. “We’ve had so many people claim to be SEALs in recent months that, in order to avoid costly prosecutions under the new Stolen Valor Act of 2013, we figured that it would just be easier to make everyone in the Navy a SEAL.”
According to the Department of the Navy press release which followed the press conference, a sailor doesn’t have to be a graduate of boot camp in order to win the prestigious title. Drill instructors will now hand out SEAL Tridents as recruits get off the bus when they arrive at training. The distinction is also retroactive – anyone who ever served in the Navy is authorized to write to the Department of the Navy and get their Trident pin along with a spiffy certificate suitable for framing. All an applicant needs is a DD214 for any amount of time served in the Navy, Maybus assured reporters that even forged DD214s will be sufficient.
When asked if this just wasn’t a morale builder like then-General Eric Shinseki’s awarding Ranger berets to the entire Army, Maybus responded tersely, “Shinseki can suck it. He made soldiers graduate from basic training before they could wear Ranger berets. We’re treating everyone equally, just because they want to be a SEAL, they can now. Hell, even if they don’t want to be a SEAL, they are now.”
The Secretary also said that this would save them a “boatload” of money, trying to find someone who was a cook or bottle washer no one ever heard of to put their name on ships. “We sort of ran out names that piss off people after the USS Jane Fonda” said Mabus.
One man in Florida, Phillip Dale Monkress, reportedly ran over several pedestrians to mail out his downloaded application for his Trident. He was heard to say, “Someone tell my wife that she can call off the divorce now.”
When asked for comment, Don Shipley’s hair responded “Does this mean that I get an afternoon nap now?”
Not to be outdone, the Army has been reportedly planning to hand out Combat Infantry Badges at recruiting stations to anyone who pokes their head in the door.
Category: Satire
So you’re writing for the Duffel Blog now? 😀
This honestly wouldn’t surprise me if it were true. Being that the military wants to be all inclusive now. Which would mean the Air Force will start handing out Pararescue, TacP, SERE and Combat Weather badges. I’ll take my participation ribbon for showing up to work on time.
Actually, the Air Force will be wanting to hand out SEAL pins too just to get people in the door.
😀
Comedy gold, thanks for the laugh.
I thought I was the only one who noticed that Don Shipley’s hair is a work of art.
i was in the army, but can i still be a seal ?
If I’m going to be a SEAL now, I want some fish and one of them thur pretty beach ball things like I see other SEALs play with on TV! Or, maybe NavSec really meant to say we’re all WALRUS now. I can get into that.
P.S. Very funny.
I wanna be a SEAL too! Can I be an honorary SEAL?
Where’s my trident? I want my trident!!!
here ya go
—–E
Does this mean the Army will finally implement the award trade up program?
You know, 3 AAM’s = 1 ARCOM. 4 ARCOM’s = 1 MSN, etc.
What about those of us who were declared ineligible to join the Marines because our parents were married at the time of birth?
Will we be able to get Force Recon recognition as well?
hahahahaha awesome piece (and monkey ass gogle hit), ill assume it was from the duffle blog.
Now that right there is funny, Jonn. Sad, because it sounds so true, but still funny. 🙂
My lawer will be in touch for an explanation for why this policy apparently applies only to Navy personnel.
There should be a committee appointed immediately to study the feasibility of applying this standard to all military personnel, or at least to anyone who can produce a DD214. Perhaps a study group should first be appointed to determine the composition of the committee and to schedule future meetings. A sub-committee can liaison with the scheduling committee.
@5 That’s my question. Are they going to grant waivers for soldiers that can spell Navy or ever dreamed of wearing one of those spiffy cracker jack suits?
Wait, so which do I wear higher-my new trident or my new CIB?
and where is TSO with the next round of the tourney? its monday!
Why not just give out the MOH to everyone who served regardless of branch
LOL this is great.
SecNav should declare the SEAL trident a national symbol, like the American flag, so every “U.S. Person” (obamao-speak for Americans) in the country can wear it with pride…
Ah, this explains why the SEALS became DEVGRU, freed up the title for everyone else, while still allowing them to be special.
Dan: why in the world would anyone trade even a Letter of Appreciation (much less multiple ARCOMs) for anything from “MSN”? (smile)
Well now, Sec. of the Army is going to have to come out and authorise all current and former Soldiers to wear SF/Ranger/SAPPER and the unauthorised SNIPER Tabs, along with Master Parachutist, CIB’s with 2 Stars, and last but not least teach everyone the secret Chuck Norris Delta force handshake…though that has been known to cause traumatic amputation of lesser mans arms.
@#15, I’m gonna wear one badge on each side of my cammy jacket. Hell, maybe I’ll wear two on each side! My dolphins will go on top of course alongside my DBF pin.
One way to remedy the whole SEAL Teams are too white and all male thingie. Also, no longer have to confirm if your a East or West coast SEAL or remember that pesky BUD/S graduation class number…was it 4 or 48?
So if thy authorise it for the Army, does it go above or below my CIB?
Oops, 24 was me.
@23…PISH!!! 4 or 48….
*EVERYONE* knows that if you’re the *REAL* elite SEAL team, you’re known as “That Class…”….
Them: “What’s yourBUD/S class number….
You: “That Class”…
Them: “What Class?”
You: “THAT…..Class”…..”There was only one…”
Them: “One what…”
You: (All spooky)…”The. Class. With. No. Number.” :-O
I think they should mail you a SEAL trident every time you get your car registered, and pass out a CIB to you every time you vote…Everybody gets one!
Hey can I also get a sniper, Ranger, Special Forces, LRRP?
Can I have 2 budweisers? need to even them out looks weird with just one on the right side 😛
@28,
Just do it like you’re *SUPPOSED* to do….get two and wear them on your COLLARS or even pin one to each of your epaulettes…
(Or “mattress attachments” as we called them in the Chairforce.)
@29 well since you only get one I was thinking on having it made a earring with a long saber looking tooth underneath … that way I get the “look cool” feeling specially with my 3 wolf moon shirt to add to the manliness..
Judging from my horrible spelling in #24, I very may well have been one of Psul’s body parts.
Well … ain’t that the shit.
I was seeking recongnition for my duties onboard a FF as a BT3, initiated upside down covered in MIL-L-15016B in escape trunk fill with steam, LL and BM extraordinnaire, one of first white hat to qual ESWS in COMNAVSURFGRUFOUR, OSL for REP V and SW A&I, not to mention DCPO and 3M PMS, blisters from MF-3A, and a bad case from a little brown girl in a far away land.
Ah … but I’ll take the TRIDENT!
Finally I can get a CIB. Now what about a Ranger tab and jump wings? I already know the words to “I wanna be an airborne Ranger.”
Right and this SEAL team will be 666 so it’s three times the team that 6 is….
Dammit Shinsucki….I was a tanker but I want my CIB and SF Long Tab too….
dont forget the free PTSD certificate of authenticity! ya cant be a super SEAL Ranger with out it!
Suck it groundpounders!
I’ll have to email Phillip Dale Monkress to find out the link to print out my request.
Oh!!! And I know my next tattoo!
*Thanks a ton Jonn, that was the awesome.
Read it on the internet. Must be legit!
Sniper? You got a badge for that?!?
SEAL? Pish. What comes after “Delta”- “Echo”! That’s it, I’m in Echo Force, the baddest of the bad. Beyond bad. Badder than The Class With No Number. Chuck Norris leant me his beard for MY double secret missions.
I may give it back if he asks nicely.
@10, Jon The Mechanic, what about those of us who the USMC refused not only due to that, but we couldn’t fit our heads in a Mason Jar, either?
I was in the Coast Guard. Does that make me a SEAL pup, or an Otter?
wow!! all these years having a brother in the Navy,,,i have become a SEAL because of such close proximity! he,,he,,he!
You gotta quite hanging around those Duffel Blog guys !!!
Funny as hell !!!
Thank God you still have to EARN your dolphins.
And yeah, it’s almost getting that bad. They’ve got an edict out now that if you make E-4 and haven’t qualified with a warfare pin (or have a damned good reason not to have one) you can’t reenlist.
Welcome to the hollow force, circa 2013.
Is this from the Duffel Blog or for real? These days, I just can’t tell…
[Removed by the guy who pays the bills]
So, I was in the Submarine Service. Do I wear my Dolphins above or below my “in the mail” Seal Trident? Don’t want to wear anything incorrectly!
OBTW…what did Capt Hammer have to say? Probably that we ALL need a mental evaluation. Figures. The good doctor is probably correct.
Wait.
Don Shipley is handing out SEAL tridents at an all you can eat fish buffet?!