WaPo Express News: Everything you need to know in Pictures and Pithy Comments
My best friend Brown Neck Gaitor does his Friday Round-ups, and they’re always my favorite feature over at the House of Snipers. (Soon to move to a new website, stay tuned.) Anyway, each morning on the metro a rather nice fella, perhaps lacking in cognitive skills, stands in front of the station offering the paper. I always take it, since the poor chap honestly looks downtrodden if you don’t take it. (If you go through Huntington, you know who I am talking about.) Today as I listened to my book on Audio Tape (The Glorious Cause) I read this thing. And the news today is….kinda lame. Yet, let me condensce it further for you, and include pictures.
(Disclaimer: I do not represent the average reader of short papers distributed at Metro Stops in the DC Metro Area.)
Apparently Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson broke up. He seems like a Dummy to me since Texas girls are HOT! I’m guessing that “because she spent too much time at MENSA meetings” will not be teh root cause.
Tonight my MLB man-crush, 42 year old knuckleballer Tim Wakefield may be pitching in the All-Star game. If he does, I will have to turn the game off, despite my total man-love for him. If you’ve never seen someone catch a knuckleballer who doesn’t usually catch a knuckleballer, just imagine a blind man with hooks for hands trying to juggle jello cubes. It’s kinda like that.
To answer your question: no, Eric Gagne (pbuh) will not be making an appearance.
I would sooner admit to a sultry rendezvous with Senator Craig in a Minnesota Airport Bathroom Stall than tell anyone I played Quidditch. But there are apparently a bunch of people running around with brooms between their legs chasing some other jackass with a tennis ball in a tube sock. Carson Kressley reportedly said, “wow is that gay.”
Men’s Health had an article about 11 hangover remedies reprinted in the Express Today. TSO generally takes Aspirin, drinks some V8, and lays in bed crying like Nancy Kerrigan all day. Like my TAC said at the A-stan Trainup: “That’s one technique.”
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Bikini Bottom’s most favored porifera/deity turns 13 today. TSO loves him some Spongebob. I will be enjoying a nice Crabby Patty at Five Guys today to honor this day.
Dr. Dobson no doubt believes that Spongebob will celebrate his birthday by getting freaky with Patrick.
I think, therefore I blog.
Category: Politics
“If you go through Huntington, you know who I am talking about.”
Yup. Somewhat better than the Examiner lady, who always looks annoyed that the world continues to exist.
Also, Express is always lame. Always. I only get it for something to do on the train. Half of the ‘news’ and the the ‘fun stories’ stuff is blatently ripped off from the past two or three days of Fark.com.
I wouldn’t get it except for the guys handing it out, and that the Examiner doesn’t have Pearls Before Swine.
Hang on, Jessica. Sparky’s comin to comfort you in your time of need. Now where exactly did I put those handcuffs?
Funny,Jamie’s now jogging past the stadium…
I believe that you had a man crush on the other All-Star Sox pitcher, one Mr. Beckett. He of the two CG no-hitters in the past 30 days.
You leave that true blue Sox pitcher to the only owner of his Jersey South of the Mason/Dixon. Do you have a signed baseball (have you seen my baseball) and a signed picture of the great one? I think not.
BTW, Eric is now 1-2 with a 8.16 ERA.
His Gagne factor is actually much higher as he has given up 32 total runs in 32 innings of stellar work. In that time he has more walks (10) than strikeouts (9) and 3 Wild Pitches to go with the 2 times he has hit someone.
Myself, I always like the combat medic IV in each arm to recover from a hangover. I had a pilot buddy that swore by sitting the plane and sucking on the Oxygen (the gas not the channel).
And for the record, I think your hangover remedy is same one you used on leave before deployment when you suffered from Poison Ivy.
The next time you do a roundup, you should get Brownac the Magnificent to guess some of the headlines.