I Object to PERVs

Vegetable have feelings, too!

I vehemently object to the existence of PERVs, people eating raw vegetables. This abomination and utter cruelty in the form of peeling, slicing, dicing, shredding and in some cases, puréeing raw vegetables without their knowledge or consent must stop! Their smugness when they declare their vegetariansim and genuflect to carrots and cucumbers in the produce aisles is an affront to all that is good and tasty and makes a nice salade verte with Roquefort cheese crumbles.

Chomping on a helpless radish, tail and all, after dipping it in salt or ranch dressing, is an obscenity, never mind what happens to celery! Think of the poor celery stalk, unable to release itself from its roots, forced to wait until the Kitchen Aid slicer/dicer thingy has a go at it, and all for the sake of a pathetically selfish dish called Waldorf salad. Pity the poor raisins and nuts stuck in that mess with celery, grapes and diced apples, too, awash in mayonnaise, unable to even take a faint breath! These raw fruits and vegetables are condemned to wait for the final solution – mastication at the dinner table by uncaring, self-involved PERVs.

The horror!

A little sympathy is due the humble potato, too. Forced to await its doom in a bag with other potatoes, all sizes and all colors, with no sympathy or understanding for those root shoots starting to grow through the airholes in the bags! Skinned, quartered and dumped into boiling salted water, only to be turned into mashed potatoes, and drowned in thick, creamy gravy that accompanies a beef or pork roast, the humble potato awaits it fate at the hands of PERVs. But not to worry: potatoes are frequently thrust into a hot oven, removed, sliced open and squeezed while cheese, chives, and bacon crumbles are dumped on them! They are also subjected to being sliced, diced, shredded, and turned into long sticks, plunged into a vat of boiling fat from which they can only escape when the fry basket is pulled. Then the fried potatoes must endure being inspected for doneness, and if done to a turn and as crisp as an October morning, turfed out onto a cold plate to accompany a double cheeseburger with everything, extra pickles, onions, and ketchup on the side. And this grisly, greasy abomination is all for the sake of filling the stomachs of PERVs!

Did no one ever think to ask the potato “What would you like to do today”? A little sympathy is in order, isn’t it?

Be aware that the humble tomato, ripped untimely from its leafy vine, sent directly to a cold shower on a conveyor belt, with no choice in its destination, faces an even more uncertain fate. The tomato, being the flexible vegetable that it is, may be stewed and canned, cooked down into pasta sauce with basil, garlic, olive oil and salt, sliced into layers to fill the void in a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich with even more mayonnaise, or simply sliced or diced for a green salad with cucumbers, baby zucchini, green onions, radishes, and bell peppers, all of which are likewise given no choice in the matter of dressing, whether it is a stylish ranch dressing or a lemon juice and olive oil dressing, and must await their fate on a salad plate.

Even the humble rutabaga may fear the stew pot, after it is peeled, chopped and plunged into the gravy of the stew. The PERVs show no mercy in this regard.

And this is all for the sake of filling the fancies and stomachs of PERVs.

May PERVs rot from the root!

Category: "The Floggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves", WTF?