Tomorrow is the Day. Hydrate. Try to stay calm.

Here it is people, what you’ve been waiting for these last 6 or 7 weeks.  The Finals.  The fake SEAL against the Fake Green Beret.  A taxpayer supported Goliath does battle with a shovel wielding David.  A veritable mano-a-mano of douchebaggery.  Two fake as shit millionaires enter, one lying sack of shit leaves: StolenValorThunderDome.

Which man shall advance in the Shame of Thrones?  I do not begrudge you the vote you must now cast happy warriors, for there is a sword of Damocles which lies suspended over the man or woman who wields such an awesome power to render unto immortality one dickbag over another, clearly almost equal dickbag.

Nonetheless, I give you, the contestants:

John Giduck

As a commenter on another of the voting pages said, “Giduck is much more than just suing SOF.”  And that is true, which is why I will use the rest of his comment below in Herr Giduck’s bio, but for those of you new to the cultural phenomena that is John Gidduck, some background is in order.

John Giduck served a herculean 58 days in the Army.  He graduated almost in excess of zero schools.  [Actually, it was exactly zero.]  Undeterred by this Inconvenient Truth, he did what any enterprising lad would do when he had in mind being a world renowned expert on special ops; he just invented a Special Forces background out of wombat shit and unicorn kisses.  And then he got folks like author Brad Thor and others to pass on this Narnian tale.

But he’s not without his charms.  There’s a reason many people {ok, just me} have referred to this video as the Mona Lisa of shovel tossing youtube videos.  [I should clarify that this simile would work better of Mona Lisa was in fact an inbred, possibly mentally retarded middle aged male with a priapism that no one would even note were he/she wearing a banana hammock.]

And when called on his bullshit, he filed suit.  Which worked amazingly…..for the defendants attorneys who got some sweet, sweet Gidduck money.   Nonetheless, I present a more complete bio supplied by a friend at The Truth About SOCNet Lies.

John Giduck built and maintained a false legend as a qualified member of the US Army Special Forces.  Addionally, John Giduck’s bios indicted that he was a qualified US Army Ranger.  (c.f. 2005 bio; 2006 bio.)

This again, from a guy whose military career lasted all of 58 days of US Army Basic Training but claims 18 years in Russian military uniform including training Spetsnaz and survivor of 6 conflicts.   (For last invented fact, see here.)

Evidence shows that John Giduck’s “military training” was actually the result of a series of one week commercial military style adventure camps.  [Let’s be honest though, who among us hasn’t claimed things like summer camp on our resume.  I took orienteering at 4H camp once, which is a SEER equivalency course.]  Here’s where you used to be able to find some pictures of Gidduck frolicking with other campers, but they were deleted by Gospodin John.

Giduck has profited off the death of schoolchildren at Beslan and built an entire business around the event.  Giduck said that “he was there” at Beslan and wrote about the ongoing siege in his book, Terror At Beslan, even though he was in his XL underoos  (Aquaman) in Colorado the entire time.

John Giduck infiltrated the Special Operations Association (SOA) through promises of free legal work and gained access to all of their membership lists, planning, and revenue while at the same time maintaining friendships with high level Russian intelligence officials.

Giduck trolled a dead cop’s wife named Donna Yaklich at her husband’s funeral, acted as her defense attorney when she was accused of killing him, and then was screwing her in Jamaica on what her kids say was their father’s death benefits. Giduck had to flee to West Virginia as a result of this.

He then did a whole slew of shady shit financially that I am not including here for the sake of this bio’s length.

Then he pulled a Glenn Greenwald and appears to have created an online alter ego that he used to astroturf his books…for years.

I could go on in this vein for a while, but I am tired, need to write up Monkresses bio, and feel a burning sensation when I write about him.  Suffice to say the man is, in the immortal words of Socrates Johnson (who quoted earlier philosopher Green Thumb): a turd.

 

Phil Monkress

Remember back a few years when the whole world seemed to be a post-apocalyptic wasteland straight out of a Stephen King novel?  Nothing grew, there was no sunlight that reached our crops, no music floated gently through the air.  And then BOOM!  Kate Upton was there with her mighty orbs of healing, and life spread over this wonderful planet of ours.  Same shit with this blog and Monkress, only without the luscious globes that Magellin himself would barely deign to circumnavigate.  (If anything, I may be understating the effect here on terra firma of Senorita Snowsuit.)

Phil, the CEO of All-Points Logistics, held himself out as a Native American and a Navy SEAL for YEARS.  It worked well for him.  He made shitloads of money, and drank a lot of beer which he later deposited in various jail cells in Florida while amassing a profligate criminal history.  And then, the bottom fell out.  (See what I did there?  See, I was referencing jail time, and then mentioned his bottom.  It’s subtle, but that’s what I do.)

So, here he was, living the high life, riding around with his motorcycle group when he was brought low by Mary Shantag and Don Shipley (may the sun never set on his luxurious hair.)  But even then, it wasn’t really all that big a deal.  Would that he’d simply raised his hands in surrender and uttered the universal signal of “ok, you mofos got me” and cried Uncle!  But alas, he chose to go the legal route, which we love nearly as much as Ms Upton.  And so his lawyer contacted us to suggest we take the post down, because Phil never claimed to be a Navy SEAL.

Well, except in various internal company documents, like powerpoint presentations.  Oh, and there might have been a bio or 100 out there which said he was a member of SEAL Team 4.  And there was that one time that this lady from the Boeing Corporation (who regards Phil as a preferred supplier) might have talked about him being a SEAL.  And then he might have kinda told this asinine anecdote about telling his Dad he was joining the SEALs.  And of course there were a few advertisements in local newspapers attesting to his BUDs graduation status.  And he wore a SEAL Trident on his biker jacket.  And he said in an interview with Florida Today that he was a SEAL as well.  But other than that minor stuff, he never did nuthin.

But, like Randall Flagg from Stephen King’s The Stand, Phil had his own group of people to argue his case for him.  (We’re not supposed to discuss Phil’s Trashcan Men anymore, but the links are here, and here, and here and here and here and here and here.)

 

 

And so, today, as Phil stands waiting on his latest DUI trial in the great state of Florida, he faces off against John Gidduck, in a Battle of the Idiotic Titans!

Tomorrow voting begins.  Hide your kids, hide your wife and your husbands ‘cuz they’re [bustin’] everybody up in here.

Category: Politics