Jonathan Sharkey – Probably a One Seed in our next Stolen Valor Tourney

| October 27, 2011


When I say this dude is frutier than batshit, I mean it.

Meet Jonathan Sharkey:

Among his career highlights are:
Having the worst record as a candidate for public service I have ever seen: Although his status as a loser extends far beyond the political realm, this jackass has so far run for President twice, Congress in three different states, and governor of two states. He’s probably the only douche that could lose a debate to a mute.

He claims to be a Vampire, living on the blood of his mistresses and girlfriends: There is no way this round mound of hirsute jackassery got that rotund on blood. Seriously, go look at this picture and tell me this fat balding ball of fug got that fat from blood. Dude must be drinking it with a couple of hundred donuts. He looks like a Mr Potatohead with My Pretty Pony hair glued to it’s head.

He threatened to “impale” President Bush: Clearly not a real threat, as one could low crawl away from Hey Kool-Aid guy here, and just wait for his inevitable cardiac arrest. This guy is roughly as imposing as girl scouts selling cookies in front of Target. Which is ironic, because underage women are apparently all he can get.

He likes to essentially kidnap troubled underage girls: Dude, when you look like that, you have to go for the underage vampire chicks. First rule of being a fat, pasty, balding has-been is to go with what you know. It’s like fishing with dynamite, or hunting at the petting zoo, if that’s all you can do, you go with it. Problem here is that it is of course illegal. Naturally, he’s had plenty of problems with the law…

He likes to stalk: Which is ironic, because the the thought of this fatass sneaking up on anyone has me giggling. It’d be like Juraissic Park…there you are drinking your iced tea on the porch, and suddenly you see it sloshing back and forth. Earthquake? No, just that fat kid toucher trying to sneak up on the neighbors again. BTW- Is that a pterodactyl on your head, or plugs Mr. Impaler?

Anyway, this overstuffed balloon of fetid meat also has a Stolen Valor component to his atrocities. (That hair alone is worthy of investigation by the ICC.)  This sasquatch looking turd burglar claims:

The MOS’ Jonathon worked in while in the Army was – 13B (Field Artillery), 11C (Motars), 11B (Infantry), 11BX (Infantry Drill Segreant)18B (SF Weapons), 71D (Legal Clerk specialist), 79R (Recruiter).

Jonathon is also Sniper Trained and Qualified. He still practices his Sniper skills to this day.

During Jonathon’s 9 year total in the Army (DEP, AD, IRR, RES. NG and AGR), he was assigned to – Ft. Sill, OK, Ft. Benning, GA, Ft. Bragg, NC, Ft. Riley, KS, Ft. Dix, NJ and Ft. Monmouth, NJ. He did his Desert Training at White Sands, NM and an ARTEP at Ft. Drum, NY.

Jonathon is presently 100% Service-Connected by the Department of Veterans Affairs, as a result of his undergoing Total Left Knee Replacement.

Of course he had a knee replacement, hell, even tank treads wear out, and an Abrahms only weighs half of what Ninja jones here weighs. Now, would it suprise you to learn that his claims are completely full of shit? Anyone know any SF Sniper in history that only has a Army Service Ribbon and a Sharpshooter badge?

Anyway, hardass lardass here likes to send obscenity laced emails around, and threaten litigation, no doubt thanks to the 18 days he spent in the Army as a “Legal Specialist.”  After the fold, read the charming C-Bomb laced email he sent Mary from POW Network.


Greetings Asswipes, Mary and Chuck Schantag,

Lookie lookie what I found –

It seems in the posting you wrongly picked on other Vets too. Fuck you BITCHES!

Solid start there, I mean it has everything: a link to a piece written years ago, strong language, over-capitalization. Just straight up catching fire early.

But can he maintain the intensity?

Now, since you CUNTS want to act up, lets act up. I know where you live. So, here’s a challenge to you both, and any other CUNT that works for you.

Being from a descent of the greatest ruler ever – Prince Vlad Tepes aka The Impaler, I challenge you and those who work for you to a battle to the death in 2 months at Ft. Dix, NJ. In Jersey, the weak are killed and eaten. we are the greatest best, and most bad ass state in the UNION!

It will be on the lines of the Deadliest Warrior – make sure you watch the part at 7 minutes.

Notice the completely unhinged use of obscenity, the ridiculous capitalization etc. I’m thinking fat ass here has been spending more time with steaks than stakes, and the only impaling he has been a part of was when he was staring at the business end of a fellow inmates stake in the Indiana prison system.

No firearms though. Medieval weapons. I will have U.S. Secret Service Agents I know from jersey be monitors of the battle, because, I don’t trust you domestic terrorists.

Like Vlad, I will beat you, torture you, IMPALE you, then dismember you and when all is said and done, I will decapitate you all, and your heads will be used that night for a Satanic Ritual. My God will be praised the day.

If you do not to accept my challenge in 24 hours, I will forward this email to the media, Soldier of Fortune Magazine (Col. Brown knows me by one of my other names), Veterans Magazines.

Then I will come to MIZZ with a film crew, and call you out. When you step outside your home, with cameras rolling, I will go Jersey on you, and beat the fuck out of you.

If you refuse to come outside, I will show all the world what a bunch of cowardly little fucks you are!

I await your response.

In Lucifer’s name –

Do Svidaniya,
Nel Sangue,

Love the threats, I mean seriously, it makes me chuckle. Okay tough guy, come on up to Indy, we can fight on the War Memorial Grounds. You bring your Secret Service friends, and I will bring my equally imagined companions: Smurfette, Nessie, one of the dwarfs from the Council of Elrond, an Amish porn star, several Minions from Despicable Me, and several of your girlfriends from the Niagra Falls area. You don’t think there is anyone that believes your horseshit do you? Being an internet tough guy falls apart when you look like a Manatee with back hair and a bald pate. Colonel Brown (yes, I’ve met him when I worked for the NRA) couldn’t give two shits about your idiotic ramblings, and I work for a veterans magazine, and I know we’d laugh and throw balogna at your fat ass if you tried to show up here with that idiotic video.

But, ok Sally, I’m accepted your lace glove challenge. Only, just to make it even I will fight with a plastic spork. Shit, all I’d have to do is walk in a circle and watch you crawl around like Jabba until your heart quits pumping. I’d probably fling pudding at you just to speed up the process.

Now, I put the odds at fairly high that he threatens us with a lawsuit. Good, kindly do so. I’ve read your idiotic legal taunts over at POW Network myself, and I actually have some knowledge in the subject, so, unlike you, I actually know what the hell I am talking about. Bring it on sweet-tits.

Do your plane-mates a favor though and buy two seats, no one wants your lard hanging over the seat divider into their face. Also, your moustache looks ridiculous unless you are trying to find the six-fingered man who killed your father.

UPDATE:  Ohes Noes!  The DOJ is gonna come for me!!!!!11!

Hey Markie, I’ve read about about you. We’ll see what DOJ says!

Do Svidaniya,
Nel Sangue,

Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey

My response:

Yes, kindly forward them to me.  You do know I have a law degree, and your threats of suits really doesn’t impress me, right?

You should start taking medication, I think you’ve slipped a few gears.

He followed that with another lawsuit threat, and is now commenting below.

Category: Politics

Comments (196)

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  1. Adirondack Patriot says:

    He looks like Ron Jeremy meets Guy Fawkes.

  2. Lucky says:

    Did this dude drink a tainted pint of O- or something? Seriously, what a flaming pile of prison sissy!! TSO would curb-stomp his ass in the first 30 seconds…. But, to save some money, why doesn’t this fanger kickstart a 9mm in his mouth?

  3. Claymore says:

    On 22 Apr 94, Jonathon received national media attention in Indianapolis as Rocky Flash, when he first climbed into an IndyCar (owned by Project Indy a CART Team) in hopes of racing in the Indy 500. Later that day, President Nixon died in Jonathon’s home state of NJ.

    … coincidence? I don’t think so. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  4. NHSparky says:

    Jersey, huh? I think we found OG’s boyfriend.

  5. Country Singer says:

    @1 I was thinking he was Ron Jeremy and Tom Cruise’s love child…

  6. 2-17AirCav says:

    Nice post. I put the coffee down as soon as I saw the picture of Vlad’s head. A couple of my personal favs:

    He’s probably the only douche that could lose a debate to a mute.

    He looks like a Mr Potatohead with My Pretty Pony hair glued to it’s head.

    Bring it on sweet-tits.

  7. Mrs TSO says:

    I bet he’s an ultimate warrior at the Ren Faire.

  8. Spigot says:

    Hopefully, he’ll show up here and get to experience some real pain.

  9. NHSparky says:

    Mrs. TSO…nah, even the geeks laugh at him because he can’t get past the turkey leg/mead tents.

  10. Lucky says:

    I still think he should save TSO the trouble, and kickstart a 9mm in his mouth.

  11. Another “made my morning” post. What a fat useful douche.

  12. Moose says:

    Dear God that was funny. Seriously, this shit topped off my morning. Thanks JL. I am curious however, about the comment he made “in Jersey the weak are killed and eaten” Why didnt his mother follow this advice around the time he was born? Some people should have been shower babies.

  13. S6R says:

    I was going to point out his resemblence to Ron Jeremy and then Adirondack Patriot adds the whole Guy Fawkes angle and I just have to say to AP I am in awe, well done sir.

  14. TSO says:

    Ditto what S6R said. The Ron Jeremy/Guy Fawkes thing is so incredibly apt I hate myself for not seeing it. AP +10

  15. Wow, he does like Mr Potato Head with hair and face fuzz. How could anybody have that many MOSes in only 9 years?
    “Pull out the eyes, pull out the nose, flush the toilet and away he goes— flushing Mr Potato Head.”

  16. Squidthoughts says:

    Wow. You know, he reminds me of someone who was an ultimate level sorcerer in this MUD I used to play. Nazgul…is that you??

    This just busts me up in a big way. I can’t tell you how much I really really want him to follow through and show up in person. Challenge accepted!

  17. GruntSgt says:

    Fortunately I finished the last of the coffee before getting to this one or I’d be waiting for Costco to open to shop for a new laptop. Ron Jeremy/Guy Fawkes, that just takes it hands down.

  18. Greetings In Blood,

    Jonn, in regards to your email, I’m already famous. Nothing you put on here hasn’t already been said. If I had kidnapped anyone, I would have been arrested. so, you look stupid.
    If you know anything, my left knee was snapped during a pro-wrestling match with WCWO on 14 Jun 08 in IRAQIANA –

    PRESCRIPTION Steroids do make you gain water weight and lose your hair. BUT, have you seen the latest video of me, filmed 3 days after my last knee operation – I look good!

    The world has known I’ve drank blood since 2005. I’ve been filmed doing it.

    And unlike your friends who were arrest for trafficking –

    The Impaler does not do illegal drugs, nor do I sell them. Drugs dealers like your friends, belong on Impaling Stakes.

    HELL is GREAT!

    Hail Lucifer!

    Jonathon The Impaler Sharkey

    • Jonn Lilyea says:

      Dear Jonathon The Dick Inhaler;

      No threats of a federal lawsuit (whatever that is) like in your email? Did you think again because of my mention of the discovery phase?

      By the way, I’m either a werewolf or a mummy, I haven’t decided which yet.

  19. daendda says:

    Couldn’t stop laughing.

  20. NHSparky says:

    Johnathan…how’s about a nice big bag of dick for lunch? I hear those have lots of blood in them if you get em at the right time.

  21. Lucky says:

    This is increadibly funny!!!!

  22. Tman says:

    These poser turds are so predictable.

    Always go for the lawsuit threats when called out.

  23. daendda says:

    OMG I posted after a real live vampire!!!1!!!!111!

    You sack of shit!

  24. Wow, Jonathan the Rectum Impaler Sharkey, you are a unique flower. Please show us some of your sweet sweet machete/katana (lol) combinations so that we can be in awe of your might!

    Seriously though, this has totally made my day!

  25. Redacted1775 says:

    The Princess Bride reference is priceless. This steaming pile of DERP has about 200 pounds on that guy though.

  26. Lucky says:

    Dude, I am a fucking GINGER! that means I am more of a vampire than his ass! I mean the lack of a skin pigment, the severe burning in sunlight, and having worked at night for a long time….. Yeahhhhh fuck him!

  27. Adirondack Patriot says:

    “Hey Markie, I’ve read about about you. We’ll see what DOJ says!”

    LMAO. I’m sure Eric Holder is going to drop everything to defend the honor and reputation of one Sharkey Malarkey.

    Sharkey, you are so ho-hum. Go to Coney Island. The Boardwalk is loaded with washed up gypsies and tatoo freaks who have been shilling that “Vlad the Impaler” act for years. Hell, my neighbor’s poodle is more “evil.”

  28. Whitey_Wingnut says:

    I didn’t know we could count DEP as part of our actual service. First there was Snake Eyes now this douche in NJ. Way to make the rest of the state look like idiots.

  29. 2-17AirCav says:

    It’s that time again. Allow me. I really like this part:

    “You have reached This Ain’t Hell. Your lawsuit is very important to us but our paralegals are busy helping other plaintiffs. Please select from the following menu options:

    PRESS 1 If you have sued us and would like to withdraw your suit;

    PRESS 2 If you would like to sue us but need our business address to do so;

    PRESS 3 If you have lost your suit against us and would like to apologize;

    PRESS 4 If you are merely threatening to sue us;

    PRESS 5 For all other matters.

    Please stay on the line and a paralegal will be with you shortly.” (Hold music: In-A-GADDA-DA-VIDA)

  30. B'emet Or says:

    Oh man……..I almost made it through this without the nose thrusters until this:
    “But, ok Sally, I’m accepted your lace glove challenge. Only, just to make it even I will fight with a plastic spork. Shit, all I’d have to do is walk in a circle and watch you crawl around like Jabba until your heart quits pumping. I’d probably fling pudding at you just to speed up the process.”


  31. Squidthoughts says:

    You guys have it all wrong: it’s not Vampire, it’s Vampyre!

    Note to Vlad, I mean Jonathon: 1) IMDb entries have more veracity and are more interesting when they’re not written by the subject themselves. 2) If you must write your own IMDb entry, please refrain from writing the same things twice, thrice, or more in the trivia section. Also, correct usage of grammar and punctuation is greatly appreciated. 3) Most people wouldn’t brag about having a wife who is 19 days older than their daughter. That doesn’t make you a stud, it makes you a Creeper. 4) I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s no such thing as vampires. Or Vampyres. Perhaps you are suffering from Porphyria. See a doctor. And unless you are a breathless, brainless teen-aged girl, there’s nothing remotely alluring about pretending to be a vampire, unless you look like Robert Pattinson, which you don’t.


  32. Old Trooper says:

    Sorry guys and gals, I can’t read anymore comments, I’m too busy laughing. Great intial story and comments by TSO and then Jonn and his merry bunch of marauders get going and it’s a full fledged laughathon.

    I nominate AP for comments of the day.

  33. S.G. says:

    Holy sweet fanny Moses, The Simpsons comic book guy went gothapotamus. I bet this fat fuck couldnt lift an M24 even if you covered it in Chili and Mustard. Why do these retards come from the Jersey Guard? last time it was 1SG Airsofter

  34. S.G. says:

    I hear he couldnt “Impale” a baby Squirrel, even when he can find the member under all that bloodblubber

    And why would ANYONE brag about doing an ARTEP at Ft. Drum, NY? I know thousands who have done the same without claiming to be vampirella. FFS twas a yearly thing to do at Drum. It’s like saying I dug a Foxhole so I’m a Combat Engineer

    OMFG I must Be Wolverine as I’ve done half a dozen ARTEP there.

  35. Jeff says:

    I was kinda hoping for some Obama girl comments today. I guess she had enough yesterday.

  36. melony says:

    @1…THANKS!!! That’s who I thought of when I saw that foto myself, but couldn’t think of his name…

  37. Claymore says:

    Do feminist vampyres take womyn’s studies in college?

  38. Old Trooper says:

    @18: you said “If you know anything, my left knee was snapped during a pro-wrestling match with WCWO on 14 Jun 08 in IRAQIANA –”

    Yet your IMBD profile has you saying “Jonathon is presently 100% Service-Connected by the Department of Veterans Affairs, as a result of his undergoing Total Left Knee Replacement.”

    Now, if it was service connected, fine, but either you’re lying now, or you lied on your IMBD profile; which is it? If it happened in the ring and you are now claiming VA benefits for it, I will make it my personal mission to have you arrested and charged with defrauding the federal government.

    Your move hero.

  39. TSO says:

    OT- on his dopey YouTube video he claims it was a traffic accident. He’s full of it, and yes, we are forwarding everything to VAOIG.

  40. Claymore says:

    Okay, for those playing at home, go back to Jonathan’s post up there and this time when you’re reading it, use Bella Lugosi’s accent…for more fun, pretend Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ is playing softly in the background.

  41. Old Trooper says:

    Also you have this on your bio: “Special Forces Sniper Tattoo on his right forearm”

    Maybe bobogirl can come on here and have her bf put this guy through the wringer?

  42. Spade says:

    I bet this guy buys hamsters at the pet store and impales them on toothpicks.

  43. squidthoughts says:

    #38: BWAHAHA! Badum-bum.

    #42: Don’t forget, it was a Special Forces Sniper tattoo…with Vampyre fangs! Heh.

  44. Adirondack Patriot says:

    I just called Mrs. Botchagaloop, my favorite Italian widow from Arthur Avenue in the Bronx.

    As a special favor to me, and due to her inestimable hatred towards the State of New Jersey for allowing the anti-Italian series “The Sopranos” to be made there, she has generously agreed to put the maloika on this long-haired Transylvanian and protect us from any evil hex he or his Tranny ancestors may conjure up.

    Oh, and she wanted me to tell his women-hating Tranny ass: Aaaaaayyy, vaffanculo, testa di merda!

  45. The Dead Man says:

    Oh for fucks sake this is bringing back memories of an ex. Though I will admit her claiming she’s an immortal vampire with a black heart has kept me laughing for at least 6 years now. She wasn’t as motivated as this Hutt though, she just wrote bad poetry, worse anime fanfiction and moped around in a vapid state I’ve since started equating with the OWS movement.

    Any bets that this moron couldn’t tell you who Vlad Tepes fought off to become as famous as he was?

  46. TSO says:

    Clearly it wasn’t a buffet table he was fighting off.

  47. DaveO says:


    A pic of insipid!

    Game over man… he’s like, seen Stuff… and done Sh*t mannn.

  48. Bubblehead Ray says:

    TSO, you just gave me the best birthday present ever. I damn near peed myself.

    Oh, and AP… The Ron Jeremy/Guy Fawlkes comment was Gold Medal materiel!! Awesome.

  49. Bubblehead Ray says:

    Although, I think I see a strong “Jon Lovitz” influence there as well. I keep expecting him to say “Yeah…. THAT’S the ticket”

  50. Jack says:

    Hill. Air. E. Us.