Stupid criminals of the week

| April 10, 2021

First up we got one that’ll make you ???

Clarkston man charged for allegedly masturbating with Elmo doll during home inspection

A home inspector who allegedly masturbated with an Elmo doll during a home inspection — which was recorded by a camera in the baby’s room — has been charged with two misdemeanors.

Kevin Wayne VanLuven, 59, of Clarkston [Michigan], was arraigned April 7 in Rochester Hills’ 52-3 District Court on charges of aggravated indecent exposure and malicious destruction of property under $200. Magistrate Karen Holt set bond at $2,500 cash/surety.

According to the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office, an Oxford Township couple told detectives they were selling their home and had let VanLuven and the buyer’s real estate agent in on March 12, then left during the home inspection which was requested by the prospective buyers. A camera in the nursery subsequently alerted the homeowner’s phone of movement in the room, and while checking the phone the homeowner allegedly saw VanLuven in the nursery, touching himself. The homeowner recorded the incident, which also reportedly showed that VanLuven picked up the Elmo doll from the nursery floor and then appeared to pleasure himself with the doll before returning it to the floor.

“Just when I think I have seen it all, someone steps up and surprises me with a new level of disturbing actions,” Sheriff Michael Bouchard said. “Sadly, in today’s world we cannot take it on faith that the people we let into our homes can be trusted. We cannot always presume that employers have done their job and have confidence their employees are trustworthy and are there to do the job for which they’ve been hired. This is a disgusting reminder to be cautious about who you let into your home. The actions of these homeowners will likely prevent this defendant from going into anyone else’s home.”

When questioned by deputies, VanLuven allegedly said he had moved the doll to inspect an electrical outlet but did nothing else. When told there was a camera in the nursery, VanLuven allegedly made incriminating statements and apologized, the sheriff’s office said.

VanLuven could spend up to two years in jail and be fined $2,000 if convicted of aggravated indecent exposure. The property crime carries a penalty of up to 93 days in jail and a $500 fine.

VanLuven’s bond conditions prohibit him from being alone in any residential property he doesn’t own and can have no contact with the victims. Also, a mental health evaluation is ordered. His next appearance is scheduled for April 19 before Judge Nancy Carniak.

Source; The Oakland Press

Man accidentally shoots himself in leg during attempted robbery in Chicago, police say

Things have gotten so bad in Chicago, the lack of police means the criminals now have to shoot themselves.

A 26-year-old man accidentally shot himself in the leg Sunday morning while he was attempting to rob another person Sunday in Chicago, investigators said.

Chicago Police said the suspect shot himself around 1:33 a.m. during the botched robbery in the South Loop neighborhood, WGN-TV reported.

The man was taken to a hospital where he was listed in stable condition.

Police continue to investigate the incident.

Source; WSOC-TV

Police: Girlfriend comes home drunk, demands sex from boyfriend and assaults him when he declines

A Wichita Falls woman is jailed after police said she came home from a bar drunk and demanded sex from her boyfriend who had stayed home to watch the kids and assaulted him with a hair-dryer when he refused her demands.

Police charged Adriana Sierra with assault/family violence on Sunday, March 28, 2021.]

They said they went to the 1600 block of Oceola and said Sierra was in the street shouting at her boyfriend on the porch.

Officers said she told them “that hoe just beat my ***,” and to “let me around and I’ll beat his *** again.”

WFPD officers said Sierra appeared intoxicated and told them she came home from a bar and wanted to have sex, but her boyfriend, who had been asleep and had stayed home to watch the kids, told her to get off him.

She said this made her mad and she and her boyfriend began to argue and he hit her with his fist.

The boyfriend told police Sierra had been kicked out of a bar for fighting and came home angry and woke up the three children.

He said she went crazy and began hitting him in the head with her fist, and he pushed her off. He said Sierra then picked up a hairdryer and began swinging it at him by the cord, striking him several times.

Jail records show Sierra was charged last November for public intoxication.

Source; Texomas

Category: "Teh Stoopid", "Truth or fiction?", Crime, Humor, Police, Stupid Criminals

Comments (14)

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  1. Claw says:

    Awww, Poor Elmo. I’ll never think about you in the same way./s Anyway,

    Kevin Wayne VanLuven (FRPR*) 40 x 8 = 320

    *Full Retard Past Rutabaga (H/T to API®™)

    • Green Thumb says:


      It appears All-Points Logistics is laying off some folks.

      Tough economy.

    • Devtun says:

      Yeah, Dutch surnames are weird. I got me one of those. Surname ‘Fokker’ always guarantees giggles.

      Well, at least not all weird shit happens in Florida. FL takes enough abuse – like the one dude arrested for pleasuring himself w/ a Gherkin pickle.

  2. My, My, My says:

    Good stories.

    I was reading a few of the stories on Texomas link. You could have a field day for Stupid Criminals……

    Wichita Falls dude wanting to take out a Data Center for example. Damn.

    I guess WF has become the new Florida. LOL

    • ChipNASA says:

      I was only there briefly in 1984 but as they say…
      (They being Chris Rock)
      “I’m not saying it’s right, but I understand -”

      Meaning, if I were stuck in Wichita Falls, North Texas on the Okie border….

      LOL, I just had a memory, big city kid from the Washington D.C. area where “local” new is world news…..
      I remember watching the local new in Wichita Falls and seeing the Farm Reports.

  3. KoB says:

    Somebody gotta ask, may as well be KoB, you know, the guy who is King of Battle, King of FIRST (in the dreams of the Adorable Deplorables), AND the winner winner, no chicken ala king dinner of the One (1) Millionth Posted Comment Award (Awarded never earned); “Did Elmo enjoy getting “tickled”?

    It’s draw, aim, shoot…in that sequence…idiot! Not shoot, draw, aim. Remember the one from awhile back where homeboi was toting his gunz shoved in his waist band, unsafed, and shot himself in his “gun”?

    Hell hath no fury like a drunk, horny, pissed off wife whose amorous advances have been spurned. And ain’t no worse lay than a sloppy drunk, snake headed bitch. “Gimme, Gimme, Gimme some loving every night…” “In the midnight hour, she cried more more more…”

  4. MarineDad61 says:

    It looks like
    2LT Dindu Nuffin never saw the Chris Rock video
    “How to Not Get your Ass Kicked By the Police”.

    Now a race baited lawsuit,
    even though people of all types get this on Cops TV for non compliance
    over the past what, 30 years?

    • MarineDad61 says:

      20 years since aired on The Chris Rock Show,
      14 years on YouTube,
      19 million views.
      Everyone can learn from this comedic PSA by comedian Chris Rock.

    • Mason says:

      I’d like to know what that butter bar’s command thought of his little stunt. Obstructing police, failing to follow lawful orders, then physically resisting arrest should really make the commander happy, right?

      • Claw says:

        I’m wondering if filing the lawsuit now has anything to do with the fact that the 29th ID (NG) is getting ready to do a 10 month deployment to Central Command.

        That LT is wearing the 29th patch and can we say “non-deployable status due to pending civil litigation”. ?? /smile

      • MarineDad61 says:

        Chances are, it changes today,
        with the command getting to see what ACTUALLY happened,
        compared to the shit story he told them previously.

        you may be onto something here.
        The LT that can’t go, that’s a good career look. Not.

  5. Van was luven himself with mr. Elmo

  6. 11B-Mailclerk says:

    Criminals seldom use holsters. One can quickly and easily discard a weapon. It takes more time and effort to discard a holster, and much more time and effort to discard a good holster.

  7. 11B-Mailclerk says:

    Only in Star Trek does the Ferengi “First Rule of Acquisition” apply.

    “Once you have their money, never give it back.”

    Pro tip: your Schwab account is not based on the planet Ferenginar.

    Note also the now former employer.